Fighting the beast.
Chemo effects more then just your body, it affects your soul as well. When I wasn’t sick I appericiated my life or so I thought. I would wake up in the morning and watch the sun rise. I would look at it and be grateful that god gave me a day wih the sunlight.
Having cancer places a value on everything. I never thought before to be grateful to draw breath. To be able to eat without feeling sick. To sleep a full night without throwing up in the middle of the night. This experience, for a while, made me wish that God would just take me now and spare me the pain. I didn’t want to live. I stopped watching the sun rise, and beauty left my life. I pushed everyone away from me so that wouldn’t watch me fall apart. I layed in my bed all day long and didn’t get up, (How foolish was that). It made it more palitable for me that way, to have no one responsible for me because that way I didn’t have to awnser to anyone.
It wasn’t untill I had a panic attack in my sleep and I picked up the phone and I didn’t know anyone to call. I was so alone in the world. I decided to call my mother and she said, “Michael, I understand why you want to be alone, but living in seclusion isn’t fair to those of us that love you want to know that you’ll be okay.” That got me thinking of of how I was living my life.
I’m not afraid of being on disability, I’m afraid of being useless.
I’m not afriad of being sick, I’m afraid of not getting better.
I’m not afraid of pain, I’m afriad of knowing nothing else but.
I’m not afriad to love, I’m afraid of being rejected.
Through out this time I’m using it to learn about myself so that i’ll never make the same mistakes again. It’s reminds me of the story of the man who pushed out all the animals in his garden. He set traps and put up fences and the animals left. After a while he bagan to realize that it was really lonley in his garden without all of the animals bringing life to it. He realized that being alone didn’t feel like he thought that it would. So, he pulled up all of his traps and knocked down all of his fences, raised his arms up in he air. He screamed for all of his friends to come back. The animals didn’t come back because they were afriad of the scare crow he put up.
So the lesson of the day, give time and all will return to normal. Never turn your back on the people that love you because there one concern is for the safty of their freinds and loved ones. Take time to see all the beauty in life because it lifts the heart and can fix the soul.
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