Thought help: Should I get involved in outing someone else’s affair? - Help.com

bad idea. stay out.

haha what anonymous “hint” would that be?

leaving a video of the two people in question going at it?

speak to the cheater about stopping, but if there are children involved it would be wrong to break up the family

it depends, who are these people to you? if someone you really care about is being cheated on, then yeh you should say something. i’d be more hurt if that was me and my friends knew about it, and didn’t tell me……………ohhhh i’d be pissed. i’d be really hurt also!

maxfan wrote:
speak to the cheater about stopping, but if there are children involved it would be wrong to break up the family

it wouldn’t be him ‘breaking up’ the family!!!!! the cheater is the one doing that!

I planned on sending an anonymous e-mail to the married man encouraging him to tell his wife before she finds out herself.

maxfan wrote:
speak to the cheater about stopping, but if there are children involved it would be wrong to break up the family

The cheater is the one endangering the family.

m_va wrote:
I planned on sending an anonymous e-mail to the married man encouraging him to tell his wife before she finds out herself.

I would agree, because i hate any one who cheats, but how old are the kids?

maxfan wrote:
speak to the cheater about stopping, but if there are children involved it would be wrong to break up the family

Marriages are complicated, and I doubt that the poster knows the whole story.

m_va wrote:
I planned on sending an anonymous e-mail to the married man encouraging him to tell his wife before she finds out herself.

That’s a good way to deal with it. Just put yourself in both the cheater and victim’s shoes. How would you want to be approached?

One is 6 months the other is 3.

I think it would make you a good person for telling the person who is being cheated on what is happening.

The question is who are you friends with the cheater or the cheated? And do you want that relationship to end if it’s the cheater?

Writing an anonymous letter to the cheated; might be the best way for you to go. Explain that you are a friend and that you want to tell this person something very intimate and don’t feel comfortable doing it in public. Then tell them what they need to know. Make it simple and to the point. And then say you are sorry for having to write the letter.

The discovering of cheating can very well lead to a better marriage between the two people. The continuance of the cheating will surly lead to bad things down the road. You will be doing a good dead by telling the cheated.

Wait, have we ascertained that she knows for certain that the cheater is in fact cheating?????

How do you know?

I like the e-mail idea. It’s weird bc I know alot bc I know the mistress unfortunately!

i think you should do it

although it is involving yourself in someone else’s life unnecessarily, the wife should definitely know, and its much better to have a divorce early in a child’s life than later

Anonymous wrote:
I like the e-mail idea. It’s weird bc I know alot bc I know the mistress unfortunately!

If you know that mistress then ask what she thinks she’s doing playing around in a life that isn’t hers to mess up. Does she have her own kids and family that she wants hurt? I think you should talk to her definitely

If you are going to do something (which it sounds like you have already decided to do) talk to the cheater NOT the wife. The cheater might realize what he is doing, fess up, and try to fix his marriage. Or at the least he may quit on his own, the wife will be non-the-wiser, and perhaps things will be better for them over time. If you go to the wife, what chance is there for a happy ending?

If you go to the wife, know that YOU are causing pain where there may not need to be.

LollyRose wrote:
If you are going to do something (which it sounds like you have already decided to do) talk to the cheater NOT the wife. The cheater might realize what he is doing, fess up, and try to fix his marriage. Or at the least he may quit on his own, the wife will be non-the-wiser, and perhaps things will be better for them over time. If you go to the wife, what chance is there for a happy ending?If you go to the wife, know that YOU are causing pain where there may not need to be.

yesyesyes

definitely don’t tell the wife first

I want to talk to the husband (cheater) not the wife.

yeah definitely do that

Is the wife your friend? Is that why you feel like you should do something? (I’m just curious) I can understand why you could feel the need if you are emotionally involved int that way.

I have actually never met the husband or wife. I just hate cheating and feel a sense of responsibiity for some reason!

Anonymous wrote:
I have actually never met the husband or wife. I just hate cheating and feel a sense of responsibiity for some reason!

Tell them both, the wife deserves not to be made a fool.

River wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I like the e-mail idea. It’s weird bc I know alot bc I know the mistress unfortunately!

If you know that mistress then ask what she thinks she’s doing playing around in a life that isn’t hers to mess up. Does she have her own kids and family that she wants hurt? I think you should talk to her definitely

it’s not the mistresses fault! it’s the man cheating! whatever the whole story is doesn’t matter!
cheating is so wrong! breaking marriage vows is soo wrong!
it also doesn’t matter how old the kids are.
my son is 9months old, does that mean i should be kept in the dark is my man was cheating? just because we have a young child-doesn’t matter!
the wife has a right to know.

i think he would be doing the right thing by telling.
otherwise, she might consider the friend to be ‘guilty by association!’!

speak to whomever is cheating; simply outing them is a very drastic action. perhaps an opportunity to correct their actions will make a difference.

and by break up the family, i meant taking the action that causes the separation. children don’t remember that daddy or mommy cheated, they remember that the man came to the door and then life was bad.

jezzy9 wrote:

River wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I like the e-mail idea. It’s weird bc I know alot bc I know the mistress unfortunately!

If you know that mistress then ask what she thinks she’s doing playing around in a life that isn’t hers to mess up. Does she have her own kids and family that she wants hurt? I think you should talk to her definitely

it’s not the mistresses fault! it’s the man cheating! whatever the whole story is doesn’t matter!
cheating is so wrong! breaking marriage vows is soo wrong!
it also doesn’t matter how old the kids are.
my son is 9months old, does that mean i should be kept in the dark is my man was cheating? just because we have a young child-doesn’t matter!
the wife has a right to know.

i think he would be doing the right thing by telling.
otherwise, she might consider the friend to be ‘guilty by association!’!

Come on!
If the mistress KNOWS the man is married she is just as much to blame by participating in an act that needs two willing individuals to perfrom…
Don’t be so old fashioned as to just blame the man, he couldn’t have done it by himself!

Anonymous wrote:
I have actually never met the husband or wife. I just hate cheating and feel a sense of responsibiity for some reason!

I’m going to have to say that I disapprove. I suspect that your sense of “responsibility” is more a sense of “self-righteousness.” Perhaps you feel that if you do this you will feel good about yourself for “doing the right thing”?

Yes, cheating is wrong. Breaking marriage vows is wrong. So is involving yourself in other people’s business. You do not know these people, you should not start playing God with there lives.

Oops. I meant “their” lives

not every “mistress” is aware of what the male party does after he leaves. she could just be a 3rd party innocent.

if he wants to be involved, he should talk to the cheater. though with his attitude, he’s likely to get his nose broken

I agree that the mistress is partially to blame, I can’t look at her the same. I’m not trying to break up their marriage. I really just want to encourage the husband to be honest with his wife and hopefully stop the affair.

write him a letter. emails are traceable. and then just stay out

Maybe you should consider removing the mistress from your life. I can understand very much why you wouldn’t see her the same!

She’s more like a friend of a friend so it’s hard not to be around her, and I don’t feel like I know her well enough to confront her directly.

stay out

wait a minute! the person writing this post does not even KNOW the married couple?
am i really reading correctly? ARE YOU SERIOUS!
that changes EVERYTHING!
mind your own business.
what are you going to be a crusader and try and stop all cheaters of the world?
really, if you have no ties to these people, then you have no right to be in their business………..
omg!!!***$%#^&*(!!

Weird I know. I know the mistress’s best friend, who happens to be dating the cheater’s best friend. Does that make sense? Basically I’m hearing about this terrible situation all the time. Shouldn’t be my bussiness obviously but at the same time would it really hurt for the cheater to be encouraged to tell his wife?

telling his wife won’t help; it will only cause pain.

it will only get better if he stops. maybe speak to the mistress and encourage her to stop?

cheating is wrong. it really really is. but really, ya know how many people in the world cheat? lots! we can’t control that.
i think that it’s a personal situation that you really shouldn’t concern yourself with.

yeh i agree with what maxfan just said, encourage the mistress to stop.

it’s not really right to mess with people’s lives, people that you don’t know!
who knows, the wife may know! she may be having an affair! maybe they have an agreement.
you really don’t know and therefor you really should stay out of it.
if it bothers you so much, you should tell your friend to stop telling you about.
i think that’s the most you can and SHOULD do.