Money help: PLEASE GOD… are you really there?

zwisedude

PLEASE GOD…

are you really there?

I really thought I might have one “try” left in me… but I honestly believe I just don’t have what it takes. I am sure that makes me look “weak” to folks, but I know if they knew my whole story, then they could understand I did not start out weak, in fact, I was quite strong… for many years. However, I have finally just been worn down to where there is just nothing left anymore. I really am ready to just let go.

It is not even painful to talk about it, it just feels like it will be a relief… an end to the daily suffering. I can’t even get any tears to come anymore, to help wash away the hurt… there just all gone.

I am 46 years old. Paralyzed from the stomach down, due to an accident 26 years ago. My first wife ran off with a Pilot and took my son and daughter. I spent every penny I have ever made to keep in touch with them (since she moved them to Cal from Utah). She did everything she could to keep them away from me, but I still brought them up for a month in the summer and Christmas/Thanksgiving. I always sent , money, presents, etc. I went to see them as often as possible. But yet, over time she put so much pressure on them, it was very hard on them. Now my 17 yro daughter won’t even reply to letters, email, or calls. My son is moved away to college, but since I am physically broken down with age and my disability, I can not send him much money or be of much help.

I did have a second wife for awhile, but she was much younger and very pretty. I was very deeply in love, but when the money ran out… so did she. I know it was my fault for being so dumb, but it does not help the pain go away by knowing that. She was very smart and tricked me out of my 45K in savings, that I was planning on using to help my son, and myself, until I could get healthy and back to work after I got sick again (due to my condition). I got a lawyer to see what could be done, but he told I was fool for trusting her… and that the money was just gone.

I have tried very hard the last year to get myself back “upright”, so to speak, but there is much more to the story than what I can say in such a short time here. I did get bachelors degree after my first marriage, and have always had a job and worked hard. I never bought things for me, just for my loved ones. Needless to say, I am feeling old and worthless now. I have no value left to anyone. My heart is so broken and I feel like such a failure. I just wish I could get the courage to pull this trigger.

Every night I put a round in the chamber and put the barrel in my mouth… but I always wimp out and can’t squeeze the trigger. I tell myself, maybe some miracle will happen tomorrow and someone will help me get back up, just one more time. Maybe I can find the strength to return to work, or a wealthy person might help me get my son back in school, or something… but then night comes, and I am still alone, still broke, and still broken-hearted.

Maybe tonight I will get the courage I need to just finally do it. Then I will be free of the hurt. I just wish the pain would end…

Please God, if you are really out there… please tell me what to do?

This open post was written 1 year, 3 months ago | V/U/S: 687, 19, 10 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post zwisedude may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. zwisedude is a verified member, has been around for 2 years and has 1 posts and 8 replies to their name.

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Utah, marriage, lawyer, Bachelor's degree, god, Christmas, college, Money, Get Back, Pain and nociception (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

Replies (19)

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Rowass (The Great) 2 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (17 minutes after post)

Wow that is rough. I’m very sorry. But God isn’t who you should be looking for. You are reaching out to your children and you need to continue to do so. Let them know there father loves them. I’m sorry this probably doesn’t help much but it’s all I can offer.

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Neutra 19 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (31 minutes after post)

I can tell you exactly what you should do. You stay in faith.

Things have been rough for the last couple of years but this is really just a large test god is giving you. If you stay in faith, he will give you double what you lost. It may take another year, ten years or twenty, but god hears your prayers and he will reward you for believing and hoping.

Each and everyday, you need to wake up and thank god not only for the day he has given you to enjoy life but you also need to thank him for the good things that he is going to give you in the future.

imjosie 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (33 minutes after post)

I’m going to tell you the same thing i tell my self every day so i can make it through…

imjosie 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (35 minutes after post)

The will of god will never take you where the grace of god can not protect you!

zwisedude 0 #
Salt Lake City, UT, US | 1 year, 3 months ago (36 minutes after post)

Thank you… all of you.

I cannot tell you how much it helps to have someone, even strangers that I have never met, say such comforting things. I found the tears that have been missing lately. It does feel much better, to not feel so alone. I will listen to your advice… Thank you very much, it means more than you know.

Thank you for reminding me that God does hear prayers… and answers them through others.

This reply has been removed.

Rowass (The Great) 2 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (37 minutes after post)

Your kids need you!

Help me with: Help.com.

This reply has been removed.

mystikmagi 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (39 minutes after post)

your story is really very sad to read. when a spouse or a child or someone whom we love so much does not return the love back, it is very painful..but as they say god has a hidden reason behind doing things.i promise i will pray for you..just keep faith in god..you sound like such a nice person..take good care of yourself..i will pray that things get better for you..god loves you

This reply has been removed.

zwisedude 0 #
Salt Lake City, UT, US | 1 year, 3 months ago (47 minutes after post)

My heart has been touched tonight. I had truly forgotten how many good souls there are out there… but I surely have been reminded tonight. I have found feelings of strength in your kind and encouraging words.

God Bless you all, and thank you.

Rowass (The Great) 2 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (1 hour, 13 minutes after post)

TeeJay wrote:
I think it is courage that stops you from ending your life. Courage to to on, despite knowing how difficult the path behind has been. Your children are frustrated and they are angry, but they won’t stay children forever. Some day, they may see things in an entirely different light and then themselves thank God that their Father is still there to see them. Until that day comes, you must focus your self on continuing to be the best man and father you can be, desipite your disabilities. There are many fully functioning parents in this world who don’t give a **** about their kids. Yours are lucky to have you, whether they know it or not.

Now I am not God, nor is anyone else on this site. It’s obvious, however, that we, with our limited range of our human abilities, have managed to hear you and respond. I have no doubt, therefore, that God’s reception is even better.

Hey I might be God! How do you know? Your right I’m not god…

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cash4equit #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (2 hours, 56 minutes after post)

Dude,

I have been there. One bullet. Fired twice. I thought I must be here for a reason…But what and why with so much pain? Perhaps the third time whould be the charm. With tears in my eyes and my arms flailing about pleading for an answer I misfired as I brought the pistol up for the third time. The sound was deafening. I fell to the ground dazed and I could taste the smoke. Since I had walked out into the woods so there would be no mess to clean up, no one heard, no one knew. But I was alive! Thank G_d I was, am, alive!

I wish I could say my life was all rosy since that day, but I have had my ups and downs. However now, I can look back and think how stupid and selfish my behavior was. If I had love for others more than my the concern for myself I never whould have put myself in that situation. But I convinced myself they were all better off without me, that’s a lie. Self-piity is always a lie.

Now I have children, I am happier than I ever thought I could be. Don’t always know how the bills are going to be paid. The real estate lending business aint what it used to be. But I know there are things at work I will never understand. Perhaps for such a time as this… I know I am not my own. I have been bought and paid for by the blood of my savior Jesus Christ. Once I accepted that, my perspective changed, a load was lifted off my shoulders. I realized, what I hope you will realize, G_d has a plan. But He is a gentlemen He will not force His will upon anyone. He just wants to have a personal relationship with us, like we do our sons. Who are really His to begin with, we only have them for a few years. We should make the best of it. I know some people accept JC into their lives and that moment everything changes. With me it was sort of that way. I was on a different path. Right away I knew something was different. But I would still sometimes lose focus and get depressed, so I would pray, and you know after much prayer I decided medication was better than either a bullet, or being mad or sad and alienating those I love.
So where ever you are on your journey, talk to The Lord. He cares for you. I have no doubt in my mind that anyone, anywhere, in any religion or lack thereof can find Christ. If one is to search for hope, truth, light, and love, He is there. All roads don’t lead to G_d, but they can. The choice is yours. And the choice is mine.
When my focus goes back to me and my problems that’s when I get into trouble. So I go down to Mexico and visit the orphanages, I help build a house or a shelter. I voluteer and help someone less fortunate than I. That’s what does my soul good. That’s what helps me put things into clarity. We need eachother, we need G_d. It’s by design.
You be strong! I am sure you are stronger than I ever could be. Forget about the money, your kids are distant because they feel guilty. Don’t let them. Write them, call them, let them know you love them. That will go far beyond any check ever could. They will remember you encouraging them, telling them that you loved them. Don’t let guilt hinder you. Check out team Hoyt on G_dTube.com the video’s of that father and son team still brings tears to my eyes. I know they are helping many more people than most 100% healthy and financially independent people who can only think of themselves ever could.
The courage you need, we all need, is to press on, to fight the good fight of faith!
G_d Bless you! I will pray for you and your family.

Dude,

I have been there. One bullet. Fired twice. I thought I must be here for a reason...But what and why with so much pain? Perhaps the third time whould be the charm. With tears in my eyes and my arms flailing about pleading for an answer I misfired as I brought the pistol up for the third time. The sound was deafening. I fell to the ground dazed and I could taste the smoke. Since I had walked out into the woods so there would be no mess to clean up, no one heard, no one knew. But I was alive! Thank G_d I was, am, alive!

Now I have children, I am happier than I ever thought I could be. Don't always know how the bills are going to be paid. The real estate lending business aint what it used to be. But I know there are things at work I will never understand. Perhaps for such a time as this... I know I am not my own. I have been bought and paid for by the blood of my savior Jesus Christ. Once I accepted that, my perspective changed, a load was lifted off my shoulders. I realized, what I hope you will realize, G_d has a plan. But He is a gentlemen He will not force His will upon anyone. He just wants to have a personal relationship with us, like we do our sons. Who are really His to begin with, we only have them for a few years. We should make the best of it. I know some people accept JC into their lives and that moment everything changes. With me it was sort of that way. I was on a different path. Right away I knew something was different. But I would still sometimes lose focus and get depressed, so I would pray, and you know after much prayer I decided medication was better than either a bullet, or being mad or sad and alienating those I love. 
So where ever you are on your journey, talk to The Lord. He cares for you. I have no doubt in my mind that anyone, anywhere, in any religion or lack thereof can find Christ. If one is to search for hope, truth, light, and love, He is there. All roads don't lead to G_d, but they can. The choice is yours. And the choice is mine.
When my focus goes back to me and my problems that's when I get into trouble. So I go down to Mexico and visit the orphanages, I help build a house or a shelter. I voluteer and help someone less fortunate than I. That's what does my soul good. That's what helps me put things into clarity. We need eachother, we need G_d. It's by design. 
You be strong! I am sure you are stronger than I ever could be. Forget about the money, your kids are distant because they feel guilty. Don't let them. Write them, call them, let them know you love them. That will go far beyond any check ever could. They will remember you encouraging them, telling them that you loved them. Don't let guilt hinder you. Check out team Hoyt on G_dTube.com  the video's of that father and son team still brings tears to my eyes. I know they are helping many more people than most 100% healthy and financially independent people who can only think of themselves ever could.
The courage you need, we all need, is to press on, to fight the good fight of faith!
G_d Bless you! I will pray for you and your family.

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csegobi #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (13 hours, 27 minutes after post)

hi i know how you feel iam a singel parent i lost my job and looking for work and iam in debt but God is real and will answer you prayers we must keep our fait iwillpray for you and you pray for me

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gala_gonzale #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (1 day, 21 hours after post)

I would suggest to read Job from the bible. Every time I’m going through something tough I read Job. This world we live in is full of suffering, but there is hope in God. Who one day will come back and end all the suffering for ever. I’m just so happy about that! As long as we keep our eyes on God and have faith, things will fall into place. God loves you and there is nothing you can do to make him stop loving you, and that is a fact. I will be praying for you and I know God has already a plan for your life. God bless you! Amen

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catcrazy 0 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (2 weeks, 5 days after post)

turn to Him..leave the earathly things for awhile and focus on Him..

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” matthew 6:33

He will heal your broken heart and make your life and soul whole in Him again. have faith. we’re praying for you

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