Love help: Is it more important to put up walls and shield ourselves from being hurt, or more important to be open? - Help.com

yeahhh i used to have this problem where i put up shields so that i wont get hurt so then i wouldn’t let anyone get to know me. Thus i had few friends. But when i started university i decided to change the way i acted and let people see the vulnerable side of me and i found that this gets you more friends. So in my opinion it is better to be open then put up shields

also if you put up walls then you don’t get the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them

id say from experience with friends shield urself… but in a relationship b open…. it might be backwards to most people… but friends can back stab u…… even if u break up with a partner or marry ur partner u knew it was coming….

Its more important to be open, but its human nature to build walls and shield ourselves.

Being open doesnt me being a doormat or allowing yourself to be used and hurt repeatedly.

Whats to gain when nobody can get through your walls.

I am just learning to to knock down my walls, its not easy after being so hidden and protected for so long

I’ve always thought and believed that being open is best. You can’t get far in life unless you put yourself out there. But sometimes it’s healthy to close people off. Sometimes you need to. But even though that is true, you need to do it in a healthy way and work into being able to open up again.
Not long ago I met someone that surprised me, more then I think she knows. I was, at the time, very hard to get to know. I was closing everyone off and wouldn’t talk about things hurting me or things I was dealing with, and I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone or anything. I met this person, and tried opening up to them. It was the best decision of my life. I love them with all my heart, and what’s best, they love who I am too. Because I was able to be open they got to know me for who I am. There’s always something new to learn but I wouldn’t be as happy and healthy as I am today if I didn’t take that chance.
I say open when it’s right, and close up when you need to. But never close up without the intention of opening up again. If you do, you’ll miss out on a lot.

i do the same thing.
don’t be open like a book. what i did was i slowly opened up to people i truly trusted. then i’m gonna move forward from there.

I think its important to use both. Its also importannt to have trust. You need to have walls and shields up from preventing yourself from being hurt. You also need to be open because otherwise you might spend a lot of time feeling alone. I know how that feels and its not a feeling I am proud to have. Just have common sense and use good judgement for when you use either one.

In my experience, building walls around yourself will not protect you from getting hurt. It will prevent you from being loved occasionally, it will hold out the bright sunshine of fun and friendship, it will ensure that your dark secrets remain your own. Inside the walls you are alone with yourselves and most of us cannot stand that for too long without getting lonely, creating vicious cycles of thoughts in our minds and losing all faith we had in our own abilities. The world outside the walls keeps getting scarier if you stay between the walls longer, so we get even more scared of being hurt the longer we keep everything locked up safely..

When you read Machiavelli (great author by the way) it’s important to take the context of his writing into account. He lived in an age where the pride and power of the Italian city-states (in one of which he grew up) was in great decline. Many people in his time focused on the superior traditions and morals that would mraculously safe them if only people would get back to them. Machiavelli saw that was not going to happen: morals alone cannot safe a country, it takes real physical power and influence to do that. So he warns about being too moral. In fact, he writes for a future prince, not a private person. He states in the first part that it is just about impossible to be a prince and go to heaven (it’s the catholic heaven, which has quite a lot of strings attached to it), so you have to choose. His point is that you either go for power and use it, or should stay away from power altogether.

depends on how much you have been hurt and whether you think its worth it to miss out on everything you block yourself from. for me, the walls are up, just not high enough. still getting hurt, but i’m building higher.

crazy711mdlay wrote:

are ppl here on help.com more inclined to keeping walls down because its a site to share things in or is it because the majority genuinely think that?

because its a website and its harder to get hurt online, especially when its basically all anon.

i’m always honest with what i think. unless what i think will hurt someone of course….

For me, I have consciously chosen to be naive and to trust others, because I don’t like the person I would be if I built up walls. Believing people are trustworthy is the only way I can live my life and be happy - even if it gets me hurt every once in a while. Also, if you do show trust you receive loyalty, but if you treat people as potential criminals it is a small step for them to become criminals - they have no trust to lose.

you can’t be afraid to let yourself be hurt. it’s part of life. try to be open and welcoming. you’ll make more friends and have more fun that way.

I think that being open is good, if you can trust the person you are being open with. However, people are not always trustworthy. Some people are vicious. With people like that, being open is simply giving them countless weapons, which they can use against you to hurt you.

The question you have to ask yourself is: Does this person have my best interests at heart? Do not allow other people to determine the answer to this question for you. If a person wishes to hurt you, consciously or unconciously, they may charm all of your friends as a way of gaining power over you. Your friends will tell you he (or she) is nice, or she loves you, or whatever, and you may be tempted to believe them. But how do you feel after a day spent in the person’s company? Do you feel loved and appreciated, or do you feel hurt and sabotaged? Does the person make you feel good, or do they make you feel bad? Do you have more or less energy after spending time in their company? Do you love life more, as a result of being with them, or does life seem in some sense polluted by their company?

Be open by all means. However, the moment you suspect that a person does not have your best interests at heart, be careful. Better still, the moment that you suspect a person does not have your best interests at heart, walk away. It is no use regretting damage, when the dame is done. A bad relationship can destroy you.

Trust your instincts. If you are too withdrawn you will destroy yourself. No man (or woman) is an island, we all need people we can talk to in an open and honest way. However, if you feel threatened or sabotaged by anyone, say goodbye. You may have cause to regret it if you don’t.

I think we have to honestly evaluate how resiliant we are. I have been deeply hurt a few times in my life, but I bounce back. For me, it is best to be open. I enjoy interaction with others so much that I am willing to take the associated risks. It works for me, but others people may not be so bouncy.