It is very hard for me to do this, because I just feel like dying right now..
I’m sitting at my computer wondering why I’m even doing this… But, if this can help me at all… If it can help temper the aching I can feel in my heart as tangibly as the bruises on my body, then it will be worth it. Please forgive me, I’ll have to start out small. Since I still have no idea what I want to say… Here goes nothing
Dear Reader,
It is a beautiful day outside. I’m in my room looking out through the large window at my neighborhood. The sky looks like it came straight out of a children’s book. You know? Massive, fluffy white clouds in a blue sky. Not azure, not baby blue, not pale blue. Just plain blue, and I can’t believe how comforting that is. It seems remarkable in its own simplicity. And I could swear that this is the happiest sight I’ve seen in a long time. I’m becoming more nostalgic the older I’m getting. For about an hour I indulged in this increasingly frustrating habit, watching as my childhood and recent years bled together into a pool of feelings and thoughts and insights. This would be fine if all of my existence was as happy as the early years of my life.
When I think about the place I’m in now, all I can do is throw myself back into the past. Revisiting the same mistakes contrasted by the ridiculous happiness I once possessed. It’s like experiencing vertigo and homesickness all at once. Now, I cry when I think about the happy times and cry harder when I see where its all gone and why. I can see the gaps, the flaws, the terrible wrongs and mistakes that led to so many miscommunications. I know where all the emotions ran high, where someone crossed a line and made things change forever.
My mind is on a reel that has been continuously contrasting my present with my past. When I look outside of my window, I see myself with an old friend, absolutely careless and completely content. For a few days now and at night when I dream, I’ve been experiencing these reoccurring emotions. It is selective. Almost too selective. Some places in my mind are to tender still to revisit. Lined up in my mind like they are, I am forced to acknowledge all of the private hurts I’m still hiding under the pretense of being better. You guys, I can see so clearly the points at which my life changed in other people’s hands. The split decisions that have affected me all this time. The times when things went so wrong and began to change in relation to me. There are too many unspoken words between me and the people I love.
But, the worst part of my problem is that these feelings and words have me paralyzed. I can’t move forward with my life anymore, like I’ve reached a saturation point. No matter what I try to do I can’t stop glancing out at my childhood friend’s old home. I can’t stop remembering how I ran with him down the slope of their yard. How we were happy to just watch the world around us, but do it together. And I think about all of the mistakes my father has made that he won’t talk about. And the way my mother still works so hard to support us. And the way my younger sister can’t hide the real reasons we’re fighting from me anymore. And I know that my older brother will always side with her. And that my mother looks to him for direction sometimes. And she’s still mad at me because I was right about Dad but somehow still turned out to be just like him.
It’s coming at me from every angle these days. It’s too much, too long and painful to spell out coherently to strangers. But I can’t say the right words the ones who’ve lived through this with me… www.help.com. The first thing I typed into my computer, half-wondering if such a site even existed or if it wouldn’t be another search engine. Just so you know, if you’ve read this far down through my manic letter, I do feel better talking about my problem. I feel good knowing that someone might know what I’m talking about. That chance alone is enough. I’m so tired of everything right now that I just want it to all go away.
This open post was written 1 year, 4 months ago | V/U/S: 499, 7, 2 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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Since writing this post ModestTruth may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. ModestTruth is a verified member, has been around for 1 year, 4 months and has 2 posts and 149 replies to their name.
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It is very hard for me to do this, because I just feel like dying right now.. I’m sitting at my computer wondering why I’m even doing this… But, if this can help me at all… If it can help temper the aching I can feel in my heart as tangibly as the bruises on my body, then it will be worth it. Please forgive me, I’ll have to start out small. Since I still have no idea what I want to say… Here goes nothing
Dear Reader,
It is a beautiful day outside. I’m in my room looking out through the large window at my neighborhood. The sky looks like it came straight out of a children’s book. You know? Massive, fluffy white clouds in a blue sky. Not azure, not baby blue, not pale blue. Just plain blue, and I can’t believe how comforting that is. It seems remarkable in its own simplicity. And I could swear that this is the happiest sight I’ve seen in a long time.
I’m becoming more nostalgic the older I’m getting. For about an hour I indulged in this increasingly frustrating habit, watching as my childhood and recent years bled together into a pool of feelings and thoughts and insights. This would be fine if all of my existence was as happy as the early years of my life.
When I think about the place I’m in now, all I can do is throw myself back into the past. Revisiting the same mistakes contrasted by the ridiculous happiness I once possessed. It’s like experiencing vertigo and homesickness all at once. Now, I cry when I think about the happy times and cry harder when I see where its all gone and why. I can see the gaps, the flaws, the terrible wrongs and mistakes that led to so many miscommunications. I know where all the emotions ran high, where someone crossed a line and made things change forever. When I look outside of my window, I see myself with an old friend, absolutely careless and completely content. My mind is on a reel that has been continuously contrasting my present with my past. For a few days now and at night when I dream, I’ve been experiencing these reoccurring emotions. It is selective. Almost too selective. Some places in my mind are to tender still to revisit. Lined up in my mind like they are, I am forced to acknowledge all of the private hurts I’m still hiding under the pretense of being better. You guys, I can see so clearly the points at which my life changed in other people’s hands. The split decisions that have affected me all this time. The times when things went so wrong and began to change in relation to me. Now there are rules I follow depending on the person I’m with. There are too many unspoken words between us. I’ve felt it for a while now.
But, the worst part of my problem is that these feelings and words have me paralyzed. I can’t move forward with my life anymore, like I’ve reached a saturation point. No matter what I try to do I can’t stop glancing out at my childhood friend’s old home. I can’t stop remembering how I ran with him down the slope of their yard. How we were happy to just watch the world around us, but do it together. And I think about all of the mistakes my father has made that he won’t talk about. And the way my mother still works so hard to support us. And the way my younger sister can’t hide the real reasons we’re fighting from me anymore. And I know that my older brother will always side with her. And my mother looks to him for direction sometimes. And she’s still mad at me because I was right about Dad but somehow still turned out to be just like him.
It’s coming at me from every angle these days. It’s too much, too long and painful to spell out coherently to strangers. But I can’t say the right words the ones who’ve lived through this with me… www.help.com. The first thing I typed into my computer, half-wondering if such a site even existed or if it wouldn’t be another search engine. Just so you know, if you’ve read this far down through my manic letter, I do feel better talking about my problem. I feel good knowing that someone might know what I’m talking about. That chance alone is enough. I’m so tired of everything right now that I just want it to all go away.
Anonymous
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