What on earth am I supposed to do with my life.
Nor can I sleep, so I babbled nonsensically. Sorry, you could easily skip down to “ANYWAYS.”
I live in the lands of unreality. Every now and then, a speck in time floats past my bare eyes, stinging them with renewed vigor.
It quickly retreats to the back of my mind.
Here, it is not unusual to see empty, billowed dresses dance before me, cheering and howling wildly. It is not unusual to hear cries and pleas of minute insects, only to be revved to squish each and every sufferer. It is not unusual to feel nothing, to be encased in between twenty cocoons, never to be hatched.
It is, however, supremely unusual to spot a pinch happiness in this unsightly place. When I am fortunate enough to receive a glimpse of the world outside of my head, I often wonder how to grasp something so tauntingly easy.
How many times I’ve seen my lips utter, “happiness is overrated,” is far beyond me. In fact, many things are far beyond me. I do wonder if that’s a shock.
I rolled in medications for months, or maybe it was years, or maybe it simply felt like years. Whichever the case, I chose to spit all that crap right back out. Serves the “sane” ones right, in my opinion.
Sometimes, I have the chance to whip a brush across a cheap canvas, but most of the time, I choose to wallow and complain about my pathetic life. Honestly, I do truly love paint—ironically, ever since I’ve been fed various medications—but how should I know what is right. I feel like it’s transformed my life in so, so many ways, but… there’s always a “but.” Money, to me, has never been an indicator, but it’s certainly a factor.
I suppose the problem is that I’m so utterly unhappy at the moment, I can hardly make out any sort of future. The thought gives me slimy chills, not pleasant.
There are so many areas I’ve been told that I excel in, but I have little passion for any. Or perhaps, I have equal passion for each. Either way, there is no way to make a living from piling absolutely everything together.
I want to be happy, I want to escape from this madness blowing up in my head, but I don’t know how. I don’t which direction to go. I feel like a lost puppy dog.
ANYWAYS, TO THE ACTUAL QUESTION: Was there any time when you, or someone you know, had a revelation? One that simply struck you (or he/she) down and made you invert your entire life? How do you know when that happens.
I have absolutely NO idea what I’m doing.
inkwar
Sans