life help: In the end, its just not worth it .

Isthmus Crypticus

Melbourne, 07, AU

In the end, its just not worth it .

. .

Have you ever felt the emptiness? The feeling of nothing in your life?

Where everything just passes you by and never gives a second thought of turning around and looking at you? That feeling . . . where you dont feel you belong anywhere on this planet except in an unmarked grave where no one will miss you?

This void has haunted me for so long, shadowed my life, shackled me to the darkness and the endless silence of my soul. Fighting is pointless. Screaming for help is useless. In the end, all i have is myself; this broken down transport for a body, and a soul that has been tormented and belittled by almost anything life throws down upon me, and the heart made of an endless darkness.

I have never seen light, never felt warmth, never touched freedom, never embraced happiness.

And yet i still walk this earth, this satellite that floats aimlessly in its own endless void of lifeless darkness. I still torture myself, darkness and emptiness riding on my shoulders. I carry life; i dont walk with it. It will not allow me to stand with it on its own ground. I must carry it through the endless valley of sadness, illuminated by nothing but a darkened sun.

And then the only thing i can say is - whats the ******* point anymore?

Everywhere in the world, storms destroy houses, floods kill hundreds, blizzards trap thousands, wars kill millions. And yet, i live in a land where opportunity is ripe, free from most of the above, but all i can see is the shadowy figure of myself staring back at me. The scars on my eyes, the holes in my soul, the black hole swallowing my heart.

I pray, but for all the wrong reasons. I pray for trucks to hit me when crossing the street, pray for fire to destroy my flesh, pray for strength to finally destroy my soul.

i hate you. i hate you so much. i fight and fight, but all you do is dance around and dodge my attacks.

These pills we have to swallow, these endless doctors sessions we must attend, the ceaseless badgering of family and friends asking me am i alright.

If god was merciful, he should have ended my life long ago. My life is wasted here. Others that died in disasters have more right to be here than what i do.

Why have i been spared? Why? Is this torture meant to prove something to me? Meant to teach me a lesson? Is it a punishment?

i just want to find that one person . . . that single perfect person. Maybe they will know the answer. Maybe they will answer my prayers for salvation. Maybe . . . maybe they will let me cry.

Im nothing more than a pathetic child trapped behind the blood and flesh of a man. I want to feel. I want to feel something . . . . anything. The world wants men that follow trends, that drink and dance, that drive fast cars, that earn millions and accept the world as it is. And yet, i am none of those.

I am what i am, and the world doesnt want me. Woman look the other way. Men look down on me and taunt me for being a weak. I feel humanity has discarded me, and now im just resting on the junk pile, waiting for my turn to leave this life. Forever

I just want someone. I want to know what its like to hold someone. To know someone cares about me. To know that i am not alone. To see past the scars and torn soul, and see that i am not weird, or crazy, or an idiot.

To see that i am human.

but still i pray . . .
Maybe one day, i will be strong enough to release myself from this body and return to the universe. Maybe then i will belong

This open post was written 1 year, 3 months ago | V/U/S: 404, 15, 7 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

Reciprocity (0)

Since writing this post Isthmus Crypticus may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Isthmus Crypticus is a verified member, has been around for 1 year, 12 months and has 27 posts and 104 replies to their name.

Post Tags (10)

Human, Torture, war, Soul, dance, life, man, heart, Person, swallow (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

Replies (15)

Where were you?

Click and drag to move the map around. FAQ: How we place people on this map »
You can also watch events on Help.com as they happen

Mouse over the map for 2 seconds to see an expanded, interactive view

Morally Ambiguous JD 144 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (4 minutes after post)

sorry to hear you feel like that. but im going to be frank hear…dinnae be daft, lifes only pish if you let it be, get on your feet and make things happen for yourself.

Help me with: Song Time!

Lacuna 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (4 minutes after post)

who do you hate?

Isthmus Crypticus 1 #
Melbourne, 07, AU | 1 year, 3 months ago (5 minutes after post)

Help me with: Digesting what you read

evanescentlight 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (6 minutes after post)

it’s like this…
we’re all just a part of this world
we’re all just atoms and energies
accidental self-realization
and there is no way to tell
just where we end and the world begins
and you say you feel separate…
like you don’t belong
but it’s a law of thermodynamics
whatever energy
whatever matter
that was ever a part of you
is now out there in the world
and i’m not afraid of dying
i just don’t see the point
life/death
same difference
only that our self-realization
doesn’t extend to the future
i believe in reincarnation
but not in the literal sense
our atoms
separate
the energy that once passed through us
goes on
and lives in another person
another animal, plant, life
you suffer
but if you’re here, why should you let it affect you?
if pain threatens to cripple you, say to yourself
it’s not there, and it won’t be

Help me with: I’m an INTP, im not made for comforting T.T

Lacuna 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (6 minutes after post)

why? what have you done that warrants hatred?

spiratec9 11 #
Burnaby, BC, CA | 1 year, 3 months ago (2 hours, 17 minutes after post)

lacuna you look like the actor Rita Tushingham……..The Knack and others.

Help me with: Religious Intolerance

spiratec9 11 #
Burnaby, BC, CA | 1 year, 3 months ago (2 hours, 19 minutes after post)

spiratec9 wrote:
lacuna you look like the actor Rita Tushingham……..The Knack and others.

see if this isn’t you!
http://members.cox.net/rjd0309/tush/

Help me with: Religious Intolerance

spiratec9 11 #
Burnaby, BC, CA | 1 year, 3 months ago (2 hours, 20 minutes after post)

sorry should have said the actress Rita Tushingham

Help me with: Religious Intolerance

j #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (2 hours, 35 minutes after post)

I’m sorry you feel so sad!! I think that u think a lot about everyone else, and this happens to people who care a lot….u just have to be selfish sometimes!! And who cares if the world wants u or not, u r in this world and u have every right to be a part of it just like everyone else don’t let people get u down.
Hope u feel better

This account has been deactivated.

j #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (2 hours, 37 minutes after post)

spiratec9 wrote:

spiratec9 wrote:
lacuna you look like the actor Rita Tushingham……..The Knack and others.
see if this isn’t you!http://members.cox.net/rjd0309/tush/

lol she really does

This account has been deactivated.

Lacuna 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (1 day, 7 hours after post)

don’t disappear, Isthmus.

Isthmus Crypticus 1 #
Melbourne, 07, AU | 1 year, 3 months ago (1 day, 18 hours after post)

I wish i could sometimes. To completely remove myself from everything and just vanish to my own world. At least there, people will know why and see past my insanity.

Help me with: Digesting what you read

Lacuna 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 3 months ago (1 day, 19 hours after post)

but what have you to gain from not existing?

reinbo 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 2 months ago (2 weeks after post)

Isthmus
I really know how you feel, not just in the empathic sense, but I’m feeling what you’re feeling right now. I feel it everyday, and I wish to God I knew why. am I being punished for something, who knows? there seems to be no solid, viable reason.
some call it depression, others say, get a grip, take control of your life (like we really control anything at all…)
point is, you’re not alone, I think there are a few of us that feel this way…

Not "Nini" 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 1 month ago (1 month, 4 weeks after post)

I know how you feel; not for the exact reasons as you do, but many of them are the same. Everything I do amounts to nothing, emotion only gets in the way no matter how much I want to feel something, anger does nothing. It’s like I’m expired but not yet thrown away, a moldy piece of bread sitting on the proverbial kitchen counter waiting for someone to shove me in the can.

I’ve been able to find some relief from it lately, though. Two jobs and my recent move out of my family’s house has been quite a distraction - I barely have time to think. Maybe you could spend some time distracting yourself, develop a skill (ex: I’m an artist, so I draw/paint/sculpt/etc), and though even I might shudder at the word (I don’t know about you), maybe you could get a hobby. I still feel like I should have died a long time ago, but at least I feel it less often than before. Maybe this’ll help, maybe it’ll offend you, or maybe it won’t do anything. I hope it helps.

Invite Others to Help

A logged in and verified Help.com member has the ability to setup a Friends List and invite others to help with posts.

life help: In the end, its just not worth it . - Help.com

In the end, its just not worth it .

Reciprocity (0)

Post Tags (10)

Replies (15)

Invite Others to Help

Help.com Homepage