Love help: I’m having trouble. - Help.com

annlovestars * wrote:
What is keeping you form applying for a job at a Zoo ?

The zoo has all these educational requirements, specifically graduate studies and internship hours either having to do with Biology, Zoology, Animal Behavior, or Botany. None of which I have. I don’t have the money to go back to school, and even if I did, I’d have to work full time to keep up with what I’m doing already in addition to going to school full time to qualify for loans. Friends have referred me, pointed out job openings, given me all sorts of resources, but the simple fact is that all my love of animals isn’t enough. I don’t have the degree or the experience, and that’s what they’re after.

annlovestars * wrote:
In the meantime keep on horseriding, and maybe also help out as a volunteer at an animal shelter to help out ?

I’m wary of committing to any more things that take up my time without monetary return. I work the horses for free simply so I can be out there, although I’ve been told it’s the kind of thing - once I get good at it - that I could possibly do for money, if not necessarily a living. I fence on Saturdays, again because it’s free and I like doing it, but I’ve considered dropping just so I can have more free time (and equipment does cost money to maintain). My boyfriend insists I can keep doing things I want to do, if I really want to do them, but it’s getting to the point where I’m submerging so deep into outside activities that it feels like I don’t have a life outside of the stuff I do. I can’t even recall the last time I had half a moment to myself without any obligations or pre-agreed places to be. I used to volunteer at a shelter some time ago before I moved, but now I think it would just be too hard: physically for the hours, mentally for the same reason, and emotionally because of the heartbreaking little faces all wanting a home to call their own.

That’s another thing: I’m having trouble seperating the suffering of others from myself. If someone is in a sad mood, I get depressed. If someone’s angry, I get scared. If someone is hurt, I hurt too. Even if it has nothing to do with me. I don’t know why, and it’s REALLY hard to deal with.

Da⌐11 wrote:
First; Your boyfriend is bad news

I don’t mean to make him sound like a bad guy. On the contrary, he’s been there for me through some of the most horrible things I can think of, and I owe him a lot of credit for helping me stay sane through some of the worst of it. He’s put up with my tantrums and emotional instability and unemployment stretches without flinching, and he’s as loyal as the day is long. He’s really a very awesome guy, but like everyone else, he does have flaws. His overprotective nature and bossiness are among those flaws.

We’ve nearly broken up once already, but neither of us want to do that. He’s hoping that I’ll get through this and move on, so that I’ll be the strong, capable woman he fell in love with, and not keep backsliding into this emotionally instable financial black hole that I’ve become.

I have a cat and a fish. Granted, the fish is hard to cuddle, but the cat, for as fiesty and somewhat violent as she can be to other people, is never harsh toward me. She’s a nut, and sometimes does really dingbat things, but that’s okay.

As far as the boyfriend, he’s everything I ever really wanted. He’s loyal, honest, intelligent, creative, ambitious, driven, goal-oriented, romantic, sweet, funny, a gamer, a nerd, an avid reader, curious, passionate, handsome, protective, friendly, strong, and not such a slob that I can’t handle it (that WAS a point of incompatability in previous relationships). He makes me laugh, he aims for the smile, he acts silly if I’m sad just to cheer me up sometimes. He’s no-nonsense and very take-charge. The only drawback is that sometimes he’s so take-charge that he takes charge right over people, me included.

annlovestars * wrote:
I understand that he is an ok person, regardless of that, you need to feel good about yourself, for yourself. Take a breath. If he is the person you say he is, he will let you take a moment for you to become you again.

He has been. This hasn’t been a short-lived problem: I’ve been feeling like this for over a year now, and it’s only getting worse. He’s been trying to be patient with me, but if I lived with me, I’d have given up on me long ago. He’s been losing his patience, and I completely cannot blame him.

[quote Da⌐11I’m sorry to tell you, stuff like that wares on you. It is not what make a good relationship. Yes everyone has their flaws, his unfortunately make having a relationship impossible. Here you are contemplating suicide in part because of it. He is making you think you are a black hole, that is not healthy. No matter what he may have done to help you in the past, its still not healthy. You need to leave him and be independent. He needs to see that you are strong and capable and he can’t do that if you don’t move out. He will continue to see you as he see’s you know. Even if you get things turned around completely he will feel he did that to you and with out him you’d go back to the same old. If you stay with him it will end disasters I imagine.[/quote]

But there’s more TO it than that. I don’t know why this posted in “Love Help”, but this isn’t really about him so much as it is about EVERYTHING. There is so much more going on than just my boyfriend not holding me capable. Why is everyone focusing on him? Nobody has said anything about the fcat that I recognize a need for therapy but can’t afford it, or that I want to find someone to talk to but don’t know where to go. Can we maybe address the everything else? My boyfriend is really only a very minor part of a much bigger problem that I can’t fully identify or comprehend.

I don’t mean to jump on you, but I feel like none of this is helping and if I don’t say something now it will only continue down the line that my conservative Catholic parents have been feeding me, which is “move home and we’ll fix it”. I don’t want to move home, I don’t want them to “fix” anything, I need to be able to do this myself and I’m not broken in the first place! I’m not leaving him, I’ve put way too much time and effort (and money) into making this better, and we are doing better. I believe whole-heartedly that I’m making the right choice. He isn’t the problem. His attitude is contributing, but he’s not the issue. Please, understand that.

simon_wra wrote:
The problem maybe is that they are expensive. Maybe there is some group-thearapy-group you could join, they shouldnt be too expensive. Otherwise you seem like a real nice and caring person, and you are doing so many positive things, so you can really pat yourself on the back. Oh well, dont know if this helps or not, i just wanted to write something maybe helpful. From Simon.

I don’t suppose you have any suggestions for looking one up? I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

annlovestars * wrote:
Well getting out of debts isn’t something that goes away overnight, he should now that. I’m sure that if you notice that those debts will decrease bit by bit, you will feel better more and more. As I can sense form all of this, you really needto take some time off and go do things YOU want.Try to like yourself agian, more, better :)Do little things that make you smile. Try to find an open space and just sit there.Listen to the silence.

Been trying that. All I ever seem to do is feel more anxious as time goes by. I know it’s silly, but if I take time to just sit and relax, I don’t relax, I get more stressed because there are all these things like the laundry needs folding or I should call so-and-so oh and the bills need to go out and the papers need filing and what about dinner and I forgot to wash those dishes and the garbage should go out and I really ought to put gas in the car and do I need to go to the store and and and… the list goes on. It’s like this little voice buzzing in my head that won’t shut up and I can’t seem to get a moment’s rest. There’s ALWAYS more to do, there’s ALWAYS something more important that I ought to be doing instead of sitting still. And when I go to bed I’m invariably kicking myself for not having done as much as I should.

It’s a terrible vicious cycle, but it just won’t stop, no matter how much I try to concentrate on how pretty the grass is or how slow I’ve made my breathing. I’m seriously wondering if I just need some form of sedative.

annlovestars * wrote:
I think we are hitting the core a lot of things here.Sedatives I would only use if nothing else works.Do you like any sports, maybe cycling ?I think indeed you might need therapy first to learn how to focus on relaxing more.You should take like an half an hour a day, to just sit and listen to music,or bike somewhere.let all those thoughts come to you, and then, let them pass by.Let them sink in and release it again.

I’ve been trying to meditate every day for at least ten minutes. And if I actually DO manage to let go for a little while, within the next ten minutes I’m right back to being a stressed out ball of anxiety all over again. And I recognize that it’s a choice, I *choose* to let these things bother me, but it seems like I don’t know how NOT to choose that route, no matter how often I try. I swim sometimes, I ride horses, I fence, I spin yarn, I knit, I g for walk, it never lasts. It doesn’t even usually help past the first five minutes out. Invariably I start dwelling on all the other crap going on in my life.

Da⌐11 wrote:
What does your boyfreind do around the house?

It’s his job to make the bed, wash/rotate the laundry, put away the clean dishes, pick up his own stuff, and do the heavy lifting. He usually cooks because he knows how and I don’t. He does more but it’s lots of little things, like airing out the house and feeding my cat when I’m in a rush. I don’t even have to ask.

slimline2 wrote:
He is only trying to help in a good way ,what more can you ask for???

I can ask that he not ask for something and then not let me provide it. I can ask that he not put pressure on me (when I already have plenty) to do something that is not financially responsible. Yes, I need to pay off my debts. But saving for a house? How on earth is that even a priority right now when I have so much to pay off?