Money help: I am 25 years old. - Help.com

You don’t get to choose who your dad decides to be with. That’s it. He’s made his choice. He’s not choosing her over you, he’s just choosing her. He loves her and wants to marry her, whether you approve or not. He’s still housing you, he’s even listened to your POV about the situation. He’s just not willing to put your happiness before his own. And he shouldn’t. You’re an adult, you’re not his primary concern anymore.

Your best bet is to try to get out of the living situation you’re in. Once you are away from that, the situation might seem a lot easier. Focus on finding a nice apartment for yourself and your fiance. Once you’ve found a place, you can start making plans to move. When you are out of the basement, then you can start rebuilding your relationship with your dad, and possibly sit down with his fiance and try to get to the root of her animosity toward you, and maybe even build a better relationship with her at some point.

The answer is obvious. You need to move out. Without meaning to assign blame to EITHER you or her, it’s clear that in some cases two generations are not meant to live under the same roof. This woman does not share well. She likes things her own way. She likes to have her man to herself. She likes premium olive oil. She probably likes candlelight dinners for two. And she does NOT like puppies in her pebbles.

Maybe this woman is insecure or maybe she’s just a bxxch. On the other hand, maybe she’s not a monster at all and if you met her in the workplace, without the complications of sharing a living space, you might find her charming and choose her for a friend. It doesn’t matter which. She is your father’s fiancee, and your job is to get along with her as well as you can. And in her case it sounds like “as well as you can” means FROM A DIFFERENT ADDRESS.

I am not one of those people who believes that no 25-year-old should live at home. Indeed, I have a 25-year-old son who sometimes lives at home (also in Boston, by the way). But in your case, the living arrangements ARE NOT WORKING.

You said it yourself: “I am basically no longer welcome here.” Why would you continue to stay in a place where you are not welcome? That’s self-destructive, to put it mildly.

You are no longer a little girl. You are an engaged woman. You can go make your own home. Until then, stay with your grandparents, stay with a friend, stay in a weekly-rental motel or apartment (there are some in Waltham, some in Woburn). Better yet, tell your fiance to wire the money ahead so you can rent a place starting September 1. Just get out NOW.

I can virtually guarantee you that your father’s betrothed will be MUCH nicer once you get off her turf. I can also guarantee that your father will really, really, really appreciate it. (Maybe he’ll even spring for your security deposit.)

I know: change is hard. But sometimes it is necessary. This is one of those times.

Good luck—my best wishes are with all of you.

I believe, Anon, that you should print out your post and show it to your father. Tell him that you are not trying to interfere with his happiness, but you are concerned that he is about to marry a control freak who is intent upon poisoning his relationship with his children. I find myself usually in agreement with Therescape, but here I “deduce” that your father’s fiance doesn’t treat you with even common courtesy. Her hostility and resentment are palpable. She is like a lioness protecting her “kill,” and your father WILL be her “kill” if he marries her. This woman is bad news. But you need to make plans to leave. I think you should also tell your father that as long as this woman is living with him, you have no plans to visit, as you do not deserve discourteous treatment. Your father needs to acutely feel the prospect of losing you. It’s probably the only thing that will get him to think at this point. He is mesmerized by the woman, and his head is not clear. I think you and your fiance should also offer sanctuary to your brother. You don’t want to leave him in that mess. The woman will start to go to work on him right after the marriage. Neither of you deserve that.

Wow, chev.jame, you’re right, we’re usually in agreement on most things. But in this case you bought into the characterization of this woman as a monster, and this girl as an innocent victim, whereas I am guessing that we’re talking about two people who might be perfectly all right on their own, but should not be living under the same roof. I bet if we had heard the fiancee’s side of the story first, we would sympathize with HER, instead. Or in addition.

Mostly, though, I worry about advising a daughter, any daughter, to sabotage her father’s private life. I guess I would make an exception if the woman were leading the girl’s dad into drugs and booze and crime. This one just sounds like she doesn’t want to share her pre-honeymoon–the romantic days leading up to her marriage–with a houseguest and puppy. She was polite—”kind,” the girl said—before her future daughter-in-law took up residence, dog and all.

I stick to my opinion that this young woman’s relationships with BOTH her dad and his intended wife will improve the moment she gets out of their home and into her own place, where she belongs.

Talk about control freaks: She should not be controlling whom her dad loves. She should not be trying to poison his romance. I think trying to force her dad to choose will make her the loser. Ultimatums have a way of backfiring.

Sorry ’bout that.

Just to clarify a bit. I don’t have a puppy. My one brother has a puppy that lives a few miles from here comes to visit sometimes and I was walking over to tie him up when he got away from me. I would also like to add that I am one of those anti-conflict people. I have anxiety issues and I would literally never do anything to start something with someone. I have had a lot of issues in my life with people who take my kindness as weakness and walk all over me because of it. I really don’t care if my dad wants to be with this woman. I was just looking for some advise on what to do over the next couple weeks until my fiance comes back because until then I am forced to be in the situation. Also my dads fiance does not live with us, she just stays over about 3/4 of the time. I am just hoping someone can give me some advise on what I can do because I don’t want to be stuck in the basement for the next two weeks. I need to find a way to deal with this woman. I don’t know how to deal with difficult people. I usually just flee but I’m 25 and sick of doing that. I don’t want to fight I just want to be able to sit on my back porch and enjoy the outside world when she’s there. The basement is a very dark and especially sad place when I’m only it in because I feel so unwelcome upstairs. And I tried to apologize to my dad last night for fighting with him and he said that I wasn’t sorry and not to talk to him. He has literally never been like that to me in my entire life. Again I do not mind him being with her, I just need advice on what to do until I am able to move out. Seriously I have never done anything to provoke this woman, I’m just not that kind of person. I’m sure this whole thing would make a lot of sense if I was but I’m totally not and that is the problem. I thought when I moved back from Boston 3 months ago that her and I would have a good relationship since I had met her before, when I lived in Boston, and she was nice. Just to add, my brother, his wife and his son (5 years old) lived at my dads for 11 months prior to when I moved in and moved out about a month or so before I came back. They had the same problems and are continuing to have problems with her even though they don’t live here anymore. Before I moved back I knew this and just thought “well i guess since she is a 49 year old woman it may be annoying to have an entire other family living in your boyfriends house and I know that particular bro is a big slob and doesn’t clean up after himself. So I cracked it all up to be that I am a very likable person and I clean up after myself therefore she has no reason to dislike me. Apparently I was wrong. My dad has a dog and a cat and since I am the animal lover of the family I chose to pay my way by taking care of the animals (i.e. feeding, walking, cleaning the litter box, paying for litter and food). My dad was quite appreciative of that. I use pretty much all of my own stuff as far as food goes since I am a vegetarian and usually only eat organic. I do not shove my views into others faces. She loves my other brother that lives far away from here and visits only about once per month but he knows a lot about computers and has helped her with that. I on the other hand am the guitar playing, poetry writing, animal lover, world peace hopeful. By the way she hates animals A LOT. To this day I have failed at finding any commonground with this woman which is very unusual for me. I also give them more space than you can imagine. That was my first idea and it didn’t seem to work. I go and eat at my grandparents for supper every night. I even started to not go to the bathroom or get a drink until they go to bed so they can at least feel like they have the house to themselves. I have inconvenienced myself in ways that no one would ever dream of doing and still it’s not enough. To me I just feel like I’m not good enough in her eyes nor will I ever be.

why try to please her, at any angle you look at it, your step-mom is still a stranger. does her opinion matter. anyway, i suggest you prepare your resources (money primarily) so you can get out of the house. stay away from them. for a lot of reasons. obviously you are not welcome, such a pain in the @ss to live in there, not to mention it is inconvenient. get out, see the world. a much better and peaceful world than in the basement with your wicked step-mother. anyway, you are not cinderella to suffer that much. and you’ve already found your prince charming, so high-time to move on, live your life, the life that you dream and deserve. and as time pass by, may you find it in you heart to forgive your father, and even your wicked step-mother! as they say a million miles begin with a single step, goodluck! :p

The advice from all of the above is unanimous: just go. Leave. As I said above, get the money in advance from your fiance if you can; otherwise, stay with a friend, stay with your grandparents, stay with another relative, or stay in a residential hotel room that rents by the week.

It’s not that complex. Leave. Depart. Move. Scram. Hit the road. Vamoose. Get out. Fold up your tent and steal away. Blow the joint. Relocate. Change your address. How many ways can we say it?

Once you’re gone, I swear all these relationships will mend.

Good luck!