humour help: I need jokes. - Help.com

My kid said he wanted to be president when he grew up. I told him to aim higher

lol that makes me laugh.

go obama!

How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, they just hold the bulb and the world revolves around them.

The proprietor of a successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer.

‘After you have fitted the customer’s glasses,’ he said, ‘and he asks you what the charge will be, you say, ‘$10.’ Then see if he winces.

‘If the customer doesn’t wince you say, ‘For the frames. The lenses will be another $10.’

‘If he still doesn’t wince you say firmly, ‘Each.’

LOL! Thats hilarious

There are these two lunatics in an asylum, and one day they decide that they don’t like living in an asylum anymore, so they make a plan to escape.
So one night they get out of their rooms and up on to the roof. They see the city, and their freedom lying before them. The first lunatic looks across the roof and sees a neighbouring building which is close enough to jump to. He takes a running start, flies through the air and lands as he had planned. The second lunatic shouts to his companion: “There’s no way I can do that! I can’t see the ledge! I’ll fall!”. The first lunatic quickly devises a solution whereby he will use a flashlight to illuminate the way. “Just jump towards the light!” he shouts back, to which the second lunatic retorts: “What?! Do you think I’m crazy?! You’ll turn it off when I’m half way over!!”
Badda boom chi!

There was a female Colliee and 3 male dogs. She walked in front of all 3 and said, if you say liver and cheese I might go out with you. She goes to the first one, which is a Saint Bernard, and says “Say liver and cheese,” he says it. She moves on to the next dog. It was a Rottweiler, she says “Say liver and cheese,” he says liver and cheese. She shakes her head and moves onto the next dog. The last dog was a small Chihuahua. She looked down at him and asked the same question she asked the others. “Say liver and cheese.”

He looked up and to the 2 other dogs. “LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!”

I just finished a 400 page book…

If you think about it, that’s a lot of coloring.

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff!

I only know very rude jokes sorry.

Can you say the following words without sounding like an angry Scot.
Whale, Isle, Beef, Hooked.

30 chavs/asbos get into a fight. All of them die. Who wins?
Society.

A door to door sales man is trying to sell his wares one day.
He knocks on one door and waits for it to be opened.
A 14 yr old boy answers the door dressed in a bathrobe,holding a cigar in one hand and a tumbler of whiskey in his other. In the back ground the man can see skantly clad young women giggling.
“Is your Mum or Dad in?” he asks
“Does it fecking look like it?” the boy replies.

hehe

four neds go over a cliff in a car why is this a shame

the car had five seats

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.