life help: So, I’m trying to write a song, but it needs some work so please critique the lyrics, be as harsh as you want to be ; - Help.com

I absolutely love it. But I can’t write lyrics to save my life so I don’t know how much help that is!!!!! heh heh. I agree with help.4u slightly though. I gather that you will repeat one of those verses and turn it into a chorus when you put music to it? Or maybe write a chorus which is kinda general and relates to it all which you can repeat, and then sing twice at the end with a bit of improvisation the second time, and maybe a very slight variation on the words? Just an idea!

Beautiful.
I agree with help.4u, it sound more like a poem.
But it’s still really awesome.

Thanks you guys :)!! I think I’m going to try to write a chorus, or maybe I’ll leave it as a poem. If I can write a chorus I’ll post it on here when I’m done.

Awesome. XD

help.4u wrote:
Just throwing this out there ..

“The pine trees just started to shed their thorns,
For the fist time, it makes them look so forlorn
I guess theres no holidays coming this year,
So burn all your presents along with your fears.”

my edit:

The pine trees just started to shed their thorns,
For the fist time, they look tired and worn
they let go of their leaves like they’re shedding their tears.
and my only present this year will be bundles of fear.

I just didn’t like the word forlorn.
sorry .. just throwing ideas out there ..
good luck .. it’s beautiful and you have a lot of talent.

I really like that alot, you dont mind if I use parts of it..or all of it haha..do you?

I promise :)..I’ll just put it right here kay?

here it is..please critique again :)
Crashing in
1st verse
I look around and my world is crashing in,
Old habits die hard and I just can’t seem to swim
Out of this ocean, of troubles and lies
Don’t know what to do, just trying to get by

I look up and I’m drawing a blank
The sky’s not blue, neither’s the water on the bank
It seems that the world might be coming to an end
Or maybe it’s just my world, and I think it’s crashing in

Chorus:
Natures giving up, so why can’t I?
Our world is starting to wither, our world is starting to die,
Is this all were going to have in the end,
Just an empty world that’s beginning to crashing in?

2nd verse
The grass stopped growing green about a month ago
Still haven’t found out why, but I think its time to let go
The caterpillars no longer turn into butterflies,
I think it’s about time to say my goodbyes.

The pine trees just started to shed their thorns,
For the fist time, it makes them look so tired and worn
They let go of their needles like they’re just erasing their fears,
Or maybe it’s their only way of shedding their tears

Chorus

3rd verse:
The ocean stopped moving, the clouds are all still,
The worlds not rotating, yet were living still,
Everything they taught us was not in the end,
So welcome to the new world, it’s crashing in.

END (or chorus then end)

is that a good thing?

oh thanks for the complement then haha, im going to look up this “earth song” now

There is no sound on my computer so I can’t hear it but the lyrics are amazing, I’m going to download the song and put it on my mp3 player to listen to it.

Yah,me too becasue sometimes it’s hard to listen to the meaning of the words and try to appreciate the music part of it all at once.

I don’t actually have one yet, I’m going to work on it though, and I’ll post the song on youtube or something when it’s all done, though I’m really not a very good singer haha, but the melody is going to take me quite a while to write, becasue I’m not very good at writing them and I want it to be really good haha.

Don’t get your hopes up on anythign too amazing lol.

oh well I didn’t even notice that I had stopped posting anonymously , oops.

Thank you so much, you’ve given me alot more confidence in this song then I had before I posted it.

I love it! Of course it sounds like a poem, that’s all songs are without music! Don’t worry about it. I really love all the metaphors and symbolism in there. Will you be able to submit it anywhere? Do you have any music to go with it?

I’m still working on the music but I’ll youtube it and post the link here when im all done :)

zebra_rachel wrote:
I’m still working on the music but I’ll youtube it and post the link here when im all done :)

Yeah, that sounds great! I can’t wait to hear it!