My mother and I have had a love/hate relationship since I was a child.
I am not sure - some where between her threatening to break my arm when I was four and blaming me for being raped my her renter’s son, my hurt ran so deep that it caused me to go through an emotional rollercoaster for many years. I thought I has learned forgiveness, I thought that we had moved on from her belittling and hurtful words, but we aren’t. She has the ability to provoke the worst in me - a part of me that is mean, evil, and woudl like to slap the hell out of her. Needlesstosay I can’t and wouldnt do that - so instead we had the same ole argument - me cussing and screaming, her defending herself the best way she knows how - to change the subject and point out your weaknessess in other areas. Its infuriating.[is that spelled right?] I am ashamed for letting myself “go there” - showing her that level of disrespect by using profanity in my sentences. I didnt call her any bad names, or say F-you or anything like that, but the superlatives could have been left out. I’m not sure - it was like a way to vent, and at the same time - I think a part of me actually wanted to be defiant and say profanity in front of her and God. How horrible is that? I know, that may not seem like a big deal to many - but how can I cuss tonight and pray tomorrow? The wedge between us has begun again, and I don’t know if I have enough in me to overlook her ways and words and start over. What do I do?
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