Family help: I cant take this abuse anymore. - Help.com

Ok you need to get help…cuz that isnt right nd idk if you hadnt noticed bt thatz abbuse no1 should b or has the right to make you feel that way….or you could try talking to her and tellin her ur feelnz and watz on ur mind

You can’t control how others feel or say about you, so stop trying. This is a form of mental abuse and you need to alleviate the effects of it. You say you are going to University. Do you still live at home? Can you work and still go to University? I’d do that and move out as soon as you can afford to do so.

Move out and get away from her, you certainly do not deserve to be treated that way.

i do know, from personal experience that is, that sometimes we can be something just because our mother told us to be over and over, even if it was meant to be an insult intended to get us to be quite the opposite.
now, do you think you actually all that horrible things your mum said you are?.
i, for one, believe absolutely not, but the only thing that matter at this point is what you believe.

Jodie - You said your mom called you “drug-raddled”. Are drugs still an issue for you? Do you still take them I mean.

It isn’t a home hun and you are not “mad”. It’s your mother that seems to have issues that she would treat her daughter that way. What a horrible thing to have to endure.

Tell your mom to **** off, and just try and get outta there as soon as you can.

it can be utterly distressing if you experience conflicts at home, especially with your family. i am so sorry that you are going through with this.

you need your personal space and things that will boost your esteem.
i know, when the relationship between you and your own parent becomes like that, it feels as though there is nothing much to hang on to, no stable center in life.

although i understand the intensity of conflict between you and your mother, did you try to communicate to her in a direct, calm sense? is she capable of pulling such conversation? if unnecessary, try third party to meditate. but if possible, for once, try suggest your mom, ‘let’s sit down and quietly talk this through mom, for once. with all our emotions aside. i am your child, you are my mom. you know that. i am trying very hard to make it work. i want both of us to come up with certain understanding of our issues.

try this approach, and if it is impossible to resolve conflict that way, try organizing your personal space and make things portable. try to make some center that you can hang on to - whether that’s friendships, work or anything. try to find silence, all the different approaches to minimise the conflicts, emotions but to communicate directly and come up to certain agreement. that is if you still have to stay in your house.

i hope you can find peace soon.
all the best and tell us more as how your situation progresses.

oh sorry, i shall correct if unnecessary -> if necessary

(v) 1 k 3 wrote:
Tell your mom to **** off, and just try and get outta there as soon as you can.

Talking to her mother in this manner just lowers the poster down to her mother’s level, don’t you think?

Bore us! Bore us! We want to hear it. Honest.

yeah, do bore us, should you find it any helpful.

Are your mom and dad divorced? Has he made an effort to contact you? Do you have any brothers or sisters? And if so, has he made any effort to stay in contact with them?

uni=university (just catching newbies up on the lingo)

Hard as it may be, let her abusive words go in one ear and out the other. She’s the one with issues!That’s just terrible for a mother to treat her child that way.Sicko!She want’s a reaction out of you. I simply wouldn’t play. Hopefully after awhile of her seeing your not taking the bite, she’ll move on to better things. I will be hoping you can get out of that horrible situation as soon as possible. Were here for you if you ever need moral support:)

Listen, my mom was (and is) the exact same way. Her mental abuse, combined with my dad’s physical abuse, really fvcked us kids up….seriously. Now that we are all adults, I can see jus how bad it messed with us.

While we were kids, ALL of us were put in homes (never foster care, which I, personally, would have loved….nothing could have been as bad as growing up there….but my parents were ‘influential’ in the community, so nothing ever happened)….anyway ALL of us as kids ended up in psych hospitals. For suicide attempts//serious drug use (a form of suicide in itself)//irrational behavior//self cutting//lashing out//psychosis…whatever. I think that it is AMAZING that 100% of the kids in one family ended up like that….pretty high statistics.

Now, as adults, we all say that we would never leave our own children alone with them. We all have problems….mine is almost ‘gone.’ I just had self esteem issues pretty badly. Also serious anger issues. My one brother is schizophrenic. Now, I will say that my parents didn’t cause the schiz., but I think people are predisposed….and your environment determines how/how severely the problem will show itself. He’s severe. My other brother has serious anger issues. And self esteem issues. I cannot even get into how it has affected us. I’d be on here all day.

Anyway, long story short: often when you are raised like that, you feel like you are worthless. It has literally taken me a lifetime to get even PARTIALLY over that. I am now 37 years old and three years ago, I finally realized, through some growth, that the best thing to do would be to move out of their hometown. Since I’ve done that, I’ve continued to grow and heal….but I swear, the process that it has been is one crazy emotional rollercoaster ride….and lots of money on therapy.

They still live a three hour drive from us; and it is so insane that we are actually considering moving to ALASKA….or someplace else sufficiently far away….and we only see them a few times a year now instead of every day. (We=my husband, three small children and I). The move has enabled me to cut ties from my mom. I used to talk to her every day. Then, we moved, and that was less often. And the more I ‘got away’ from her and grew, I have stopped emailing her, etc. Now, it’s been hard and the reason why is this: I have had to grow out of the INGRAINED feelings of worthlessness in order to see that the problem was my parents, not me. My mom, from this distance, will still make me actually CRY 9/10 when I am on the phone with her. It’s crazy. BUT, here’s a clue….we all want a ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy,’ even as adults. It’s nice to have someone to lean on and learn from. Therefore, I have attempted to ‘keep the relationship.’ Of course, I am the only one who attempts to keep the relationship….they just destroy it. But it is that need for a ‘mommy/daddy.’ Especially since I didn’t have a real mommy or daddy (in all senses of the words except physical) growing up….as an adult, they started to give some small bits of positive attention and I thrived on it///craved it. But I have had to learn that is not ‘real.’ They only give positive attention if they want something or to ‘relax’ me so that they can throw a dagger

Anyway, besides all this: I am so glad that you are going to uni. However, you really need to think about moving to another town….transferring uni’s….because it is only going to kill you slowly inside out if you remain at home.

I know it will be hard….and YOU MUST CONTINUE WITH YOUR EDUCATION. If you can start working part time and saving your money to help subsidize you….whatever, you need to get out of there. It’s only then that you can truly begin to heal.

Sorry for the extended reply. You just struck a nerve in me. I will gladly ’shout’ you with any more information/support you need.

….yes, work at McDonald’s….do it….not for your future….only as a temporary way to make some money and get out as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, some parents who have went through divore, see their x in there kids. Not fair by any means but it does happen.If she’s so over bearing, I’d initiate contact with your Dad, and tell him what you’ve been going through. There may be hope for you to build on that relationship. Try it. What do you have to loose, but peace from an abusive parent.Avoid her at all costs if you can, through work or what have you.

If you don’t have time or energy to read all of my reply, here is the most important part:

Anyway, besides all this: I am so glad that you are going to uni. However, you really need to think about moving to another town….transferring uni’s….because it is only going to kill you slowly inside out if you remain at home. I know it will be hard….and YOU MUST CONTINUE WITH YOUR EDUCATION. If you can start working part time and saving your money to help subsidize you….whatever, you need to get out of there. It’s only then that you can truly begin to heal.Sorry for the extended reply. You just struck a nerve in me. I will gladly ’shout’ you with any more information/support you need.[/quote]

Seas light is right. I believe your mom blames you for the divorce. Not that it was or had anything to do with you. 15 years is a long time to be mad at someone. She needs the help really. She doesn’t see it that way. I feel for your younger sister. She has to be at least 15, right? When and if you move out. Her anger might get redirected toward her. You mentioned a brother. Do you two stay in touch?

I will be back to follow up with this post. I have to leave the house to take my son to a soccer game. bbl (if that’s one of the accepted and widely used abbreviations….) :)

if your are having problems with your family then you must find a way to resolve it. have you tried talked to your mum about how you feel. you should talk to her and not ignore it tell her that these things that she is saying is hurting you and try to find out why she is saying these things to you.

And if she just losses her temper try and stay calm and talk through what is on your mind and maybe if theres something on her mind also then maybe if you say whats bothering you then you will eventually get to the root of the problem.

the key is to talk things through and to work thing out if that doesn’t work then getting yourself to talk to someone else like your dad might and see if he is willing to talk to your mum about the situation it is ok to talk to someone else about how you feel. also don’t blame your mum if she is needing to say whats on her mind then she will do so in her own time.

jodie_lak wrote:
Thanks for all that Jelly,
i did read it all, and it made me realise that it could be so much worse for me, ive actually had it pretty easy compared to you.
Im so glad you are finally starting to feel better about yourself, and its great that you have a family of your own now.
Thanks for your help. Im still searching for the right job, but macdonalds is getting ever more tempting!

im just trying to get out sensibly. i don’t want to make enough money just to escape, only to have to come crawling back because i cant afford the upkeep. know what i mean?

Yeesh, I didn’t have it worse….any kind of abuse really screws up your life. I’m just trying to give you some background to let you know the healing process.

Also, to let you know that you need to get out of the house as soon as you possibly can….but not at the expense of your college education, as that will take you much further than anything else ever can. As an educated person, you will make more rational decisions, etc.

But, I really need to go. Shout me and I can help you through this time with good advice. I will be back to follow up. To shout, you only need to click on the megaphone icon and I will reply to your email.

it is very difficult to balance all the needs of each family members, especially when there has been drastic events such as divorce. your case, your mom’s constantly out of emotional comfort zone, doesn’t have the capacity to process the reality and becoming restless so often. i am very sorry to hear this. try to find mediator who can often be present, and also find people who can calm her down, but communicate, whether it’s her family members, anyone who might have connections with her. try to figure out which of her need is seriously lacking and why she’s becoming hopeless and losing it so often. emotionally, try to remind her constantly that those needs will be fulfilled one day soon, but she should realise that her stability will eventually have to be based on her part.

Like I said, I think it’s your mom that needs the help. She should not be treating you the way she does. Do you think it might be possible for you, your dad and brother to get her some help? This would probably involve some sort of court ordered finding I would imagine. Does your mom work or does your dad pay to support all of you?

You need at the point in your life to focus on your own well being.. Mom is for sure having issues, but she’s all grown. Poobably a lot of her rants was the bottle talking. I know, I grew up also with alcholic mom:( I never knew coming home from school if she’d be there or what personality I was dealing with.You take care of #1 you, and she needs to do this same. Get out as soon as you can to preserve your own sanity…

1) He’s not your stepdad unless he is married to your mom.
2) Is there anyone that is overseeing her case? You might suggest to them that a change of therapists might be better. I’m glad she is WILLING to get help. Has she stopped drinking completely? Does her boyfriend buy it for her?

Anytime….

She finds solace in the bottle. Until she realizes that she is hurting more than just herself by continuing to drink she won’t stop. Quit buying weed for yourself; there’s a more precious need right now. Ask your brother and dad (find a way to speak to him) for help in getting a place for you and your sister. You both need out of there soon. Yesterday wouldn’t be quickly enough.
I will pray for both of you. I suggest you do the same.

Glad to be of assist:) Take care of yourself. Wish you the best and peace you deserve.

yeah, i guess regardless of what you think about its influence for yourself, i strongly suggest you to ease up on the 420… at least it’ll get you a clearer, unbiased picture of things.
all the best.

Parents are supposed to be the people that give u unconditional love. unfortunately people need a license to drive but not to be parents. Simply giving birth to u doesnt make her a mother…it is a lot more than that. U must b a very bright person to have gone into university and realized the abuse that ur mom is giving u. u need to get out of there as soon as u can. She is probably miserable, jeleous and bitter if not mentally and psychologically ill. U need to do urself a favour and leave and build ur own life. Good Luck to you and I hope that you gather the courage to leave ur situation.