I got a few things to get out.
This is what im thinking.
Though Its irrelevant info to any who will read this, I need to get it off my chest as I plan to take my leave silently and let it all behind me.
Im one ******* person, I cant hold **** together anymore on my own.
I am finished fighting for the good of the crowd
I am through with attatchments and loyaltys, Traitors will always spring up and backstabbers will always be present, Forever trying to overthrow me.
I am no longer thrilled about being leader of the pack. I’ve strived for it for years, and Its just too much on my **** shoulders on top of what needs to be done - for me
No more letting the petty ********, such as silencing the newest traitor, being my greatest concern. Traitor, heh. Every single one of them - a hater wanting to be me.
I can not begin the long road ahead without letting go of these commitments I take up on a daily basis. I show incredible character and intelligence in using well thought out plots and manipulation to solve all and any dispute in this entire town. If I use these skills elsewhere I may just take over much more beyond this town - My own self
My opiate dependancy, Drinking and Insomnia may all stem from the stress I put on myself day to day. If I do not make drastic changes, I will destroy myself and end up dead, or in prison. And my time is running out, I grow worse everyday.
If one is my own, and another owes him money, or has wronged him, they come to me and I find a way to settle it 100% in our favor. This brings me respect, and loyalty, which I return. My own. My family. But it is too much anymore.
I get a rush, i feel powerful being that go to person.
People tell me I have the look of a killer in my eye when put under pressure, and its because I have enough rage from the skeletons in my closet to take things too far.
I need to take these inner demons of mine, My addiction, my need to be in control and respected, my frustration with myself for being reluctant to move on, my rage and my rivalries. I need to take it all, work on them one by one until im clear minded, and be at peace with myself again. I havent felt calm and peace since I was 15. Years ago. Long before this started.
Im still young, I have too much potential to destroy myself. I am starting to remember the peace of mind i used to have, Walking outside early in the morning and just taking in a deep breath enjoying life for what it is. No anger, No constant plotting, No doing what is wrong for my own ends. Because its obviously not working.
This is it, It’s been fun, Ill still be here, but Its time to move on and move out. Its time to silence my inner demons, so i am no longer paranoid. Always thinking someones out to get me back someday, Waiting for the right moment to get me.
No. This is all, I am finished. Soon, Ill be in my own place, No one but me and maybe the right girl who i can finally give the attention and respect she deserves, Finally being at peace with myself and the mistakes i have made. Me, My girl, My money and the world as my stomping ground.
Out on the back porch at 7 AM, just me and a cup of coffee, able to finally breathe the air around me and be ready for anything the day will throw at me. The way it once was before this all began years ago. Not the king, Not the person you go to if you need a fighter, or your drugs. Just kyle. Finally..
This open post was written 1 year, 2 months ago | V/U/S: 123, 3, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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Since writing this post chyea may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. chyea is a verified member, has been around for 2 years, 3 months and has 67 posts and 139 replies to their name.
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