Year help: Yesterday, I discovered that my wife of 8 years had an affair with another man who is also married with 4 children. - Help.com

Definetly tell the other woman. Cheating tares families apart, I would know. As for your wife… I wish I could help, but I’m not sure.

ask your wife why she did it, even though this probable wont help u, as for the other guy tell him u know and what he plans to do about it, dont tell his wife u dont want to destroy a marriage, but tell him if he doesnt do anything u will confront her with it, thats the best i got

Do you love your wife?
Enough to forgive this?…and if you’re planning on punishing him, will she get away with nothing?
Do you have children?

“As to my wife, I do not know what to do.

Thoughts?”

Well, she has no respect for you.
You just lost the trust.
Its not the same.
It’s the second time she cheated.

How long has this affair been going on?

cailean wrote:
Do you have children?

I second that question.

Had an affair, or has one?
She apparently needs some excitement outside her normal tracks.

But she should not have to get “caught” by computer fiddling and espionage.
A question should be enough.
Either you love her and trust her, than her reply should be enough.

Or you do not trust her, and then she is not for you.

Kids make it a bit more complicated.

“Confronation” usually means accusations and the lot. but you should talk to her. Try to avoid accusations, but find out what is wrong.

You proved right in your suspiscions, but that does not take away the fact that you spied, because you did not trust her.
So the trust was gone already.

Find out.

Don’t put too much energy on that other man. It means that your wife still is attractive to somebody, nothing else. The other problems are in that other family. “She has the right to know”, yes. But you have bigger problems than worries about that other family.

A marriage is not just “established” and then left to work by itself. One has to work with te relation all the time. Apparently something was not enough along that road. For her, and maybe also for you.

Find out, and then decide what to do.
Decide it together.

Revenge is not good.
In my personal opinion its immature.
I personally just walk away feeling the anger and crap.
She’s as guilty as him. But do as you like. She probably already knows he cheats on her or maybe has done it a couple times before, who knows?

The “I don’t know” from your wife is not good either, there is a reason, and until she comes clean with what it is, there will always be that gap.

The fact of you having a gut feeling and figuring out what happened (because of her behaviour) had to happen.

You need the alone time, you have come to face a difficult period.
She should’ve cared enough to communicate in the first place and should have thought about the consequences for the sake of the relationship.
You already know what I’m saying.

I hope things work out for you.

Here I meant your wife:

Joey_PR wrote:
She’s as guilty as him.

Here I mean the dudes wife:

Joey_PR wrote:
She probably already knows he cheats on her or maybe has done it a couple times before, who knows?

(Just wanted to clear that up)

I agree, and understand your anger.
I can bet that her mind constantly told her it was wrong but she was hooked, kept doing it and got caught. In other words, there is no excuse.

Only she knows for sure “why”, but since she won’t say, I agree with what you say: “only time will tell” and you will know.

Good thing you control your emotions very wisely.

Take care.

Ah revenge is sweet though would you be able to live with yourself if you told his wife ? who would most likely throwhim out and the four kids would be without a father 24/7 then a messy divorce etc etc …. I couldn’t I would just tell him to back off or you will tell her. As for your wife I would waste no more time on her as its clear she does not want to be with you if she has betrayed you twice !!

Well…

His wife may already know. Even if you tell her, you will tell more about yourself than about him. Above all, you may spoil things for her. When getting to know, she will understand that you are upset and the lot, but she will also realize that you are not gaining anything by telling. Except the comfort of having told.

I think you should call the guy and talk to him instead, in a calm way.

1) Tell him that you know that they had an affair.
2) Tell him that “apparantly we have a problem, otherwise this would not have happened”.
3) Tell him that “obviously you also have a problem, otherwise this would not have happened”.
4) Tell him “talk to your wife and tell her, before I do. If somebody else doesn’t tell her before I do”.

That will also be a kind of revenge, because he will be forced to tell her by himself.

But concentrate on your own relation. You feel bad about “starting all over” because of your age. Well, your wife feels the same, because she is begging.

If we leave the “betrayal” aside for the moment, do you like your wife? And do you think she likes you?
I guess that the romantic type of love is gone, but do you feel comfortable by being with her? And do you think she feels comfortable with you?

If so, try to make a new agreement with her. Stay together as friends, and agree to be honest with eachother hereinafter. Make it a condition to not screw around with others, and make love with eachother when you feel a need for it.
But try to do nice or funny things together, and try to please eachother with surprises or by doing things for eachother, like you would do to your best friend.

It may be difficult to make “love” to come back, but it may still do so if you don’t push it by feeling forced.

Above all TALK, without anger or accusations!

I did experience it.
But I didn’t waste too much time on the other guy, and in retrospect I am glad for that.
It wouldn’t have changed anything.

One thing disturbes me. When one of the parts in a relation is caught cheating, the other part automatically comes “on top” in terms of being on the “right” side, and the failing part is degraded to becoming a culprit (together with an outsider).
It is almost as when a parent deals with a nasty child, or when an authority deals with a failing citizen.

That is not a good start for further discussions. The hurt part is assuming power, and the failing part is expected to become submissive.
We are talking about grown-up people. Your wife and you are expected to be equals. Choices were made, and not all the choices turned out to be so good.
Try to look into the reasons behind why those choices were made, rather than dwelling in details about what happened.

Forget revenge. As Confucius said, “When you start out on a quest for revenge, first dig two graves.”

Molotok makes some good points. Yes, your wife has some contrition to perform. And, yes, you should forgive her. There hasn’t been a perfect human being on this earth for nearly 2,000 years.

And, yes, I went through it, too. See other posts . . .

And, yes, you can have the trust back, and have the love back, and you can even have a better and stronger marriage than before.

Last advice here: anger and resentment are not agents of positive change in a marriage.

And you will be much better in a strengthened marriage than living out the remainder of your life in loneliness and bitterness. You are so right about that.

Give her a chance. And remember, there are some things she needs from you, as there are some things you need from her. Give without thought of recompense!

Private . . . informing the other person’s wife could devastate her. She is an innocent party. I know how you feel, and I’d be tempted to do the same thing . . . but it won’t undo anything. I’m sure that you know that right now your wife wouldn’t have that guy off a Christmas tree . . . right now or ever.

I agree that he is the scum of the earth. Don’t think I didn’t think about shooting my ex-wife’s lover or at least throwing him through a plate glass window. But there are so many SOBs in the world . . . I didn’t want to lose my son in order to take this guy out.

Let me tell you that God DOES deal with such people . . . and he DID deal with this guy, and the guy’s life was hell after he got my ex-wife. He is now just at death’s door, and my ex-wife . . . well, she got hers, too, in spades.

Today, I am SO glad that I did not take revenge on the guy my wife left with. I know that because of her character, she would have went with someone else if not that guy. And everything they have touched has turned to garbage. They are now to be pitied.

Save the love that belongs to you, and leave the vengeance to God. Hard to do, I know, but in the future you will be glad that you did not try to deal misery to an innocent person.

I have walked in your shoes, and the steps are indeed painful in such circumstances.

My four-year-old son is now a grown man, and he turned out all right. I’m glad that he didn’t have to deal with having a murderer for a father. That would have been too much.

And I know that right now, your anger is white-hot and I cannot blame you. I’d advise to kind of “indulge yourself” and put some “pleasant experiences” between you and this event. Get out of the house, take some day trips, go shooting at a range, or whatever really gives you pleasure.

Unlike your wife, mine was NOT repentant. But I will confess to you that I did everything in my power to get her back, even after I learned of her infidelity, but she was too intent upon her course of action. She lost her son in a subsequent custody fight, and her life has been going downhill ever since.

Two years after the divorce, my wife wanted me back . . . but she had already had a child with this other guy, and that was just too big of a complication for me to deal with.

But your wife, I firmly believe, has learned her lesson. I believe that she genuinely loves you . . . and a person can cheat and still love his or her spouse. No, it’s not a recommended practice . . . but what I am saying is that we can do things like that without really having our spouses in mind. I really think that she regrets her actions and would never do it again. I really think that she would undo it if she could.

After you kind of get this event “out of your system,” I hope the two of you can do some enjoyable things together. This episode can be put behind you, and you can have a deeper relationship than ever before.

chev.jame wrote:
. . . but what I am saying is that we can do things like that without really having our spouses in mind.

Yes, that s true. Did you think of that this may be valid for the other man, too?

Life is sometimes a role play. When things like this happens, the roles are set faster than the flash of a lightning. Your role is the innocent and hurt one. I don’t say that you ever cheated but even if you had, in this situation you would have a conscious whiter than snow. And the other man has another role. It is not even on the map in your world, that the guy may be a fairly nice chap!

Now, even if you never cheated, don’t tell me that you did not ever feel temptations! Anybody can, man ot woman. The good man resists such temptations, stays where he belongs and the temptation goes away again. So does the woman.

But mistakes may be made. And after falling for a temptation, affection and even love for the outsider may move in, and then the person is in deep trouble! Because you can’t help that you love somebody. Love is a good thing, but loving two is tearing you apart. Some people may see it as an “innocent” game, and they may even think “what he/she does not know, will not hurt him/her”. But the above is one of the reasons for why it is so important to not going even close to a temptation, because if affection appears, souls will be torn apart. The person’s own soul to start with, and most likely also other souls.
What I am saying is that it may not be only your soul that needs healing, but probably more. And you can tear apart yet another, by telling.

You can also look at it this way:
Firstly, your wife can not be the most stupid woman in the world. Because then she would not have understood to pick you and you would not have picked her.
Secondly, that man must have at least some attractive sides or characters. He can not be all through disgusting, because then you have to conclude that your wife has a preference for disgusting men. But it does not fit the picture - your wife is supposed to have a good taste at least sometimes, because she likes you… So you see, the equation does not fit.

No, it is so much easier to place people in their pre-set roles, and play the game from that point. But that will not move the matter closer to a good ending, only creating solid roles in your family where she is a bad one and you are a good one. And that will not nurse your relation.

This guy is most likely an average Joe, who found it exciting to play with the fire without understanding the consequences beforehand. Most likely your wife experienced the same, and one thing lead to the other. A contributing thing was most likely that she got a proof of still being attractive to men, something that bothers a lot of women in her age. So also she must learn how to stay away from temptations and tell you instead, whenever she feels that she wants more out of your relation.

The best scenario is when your wife does not stay with you because she has to do so out of duty or conveniance, but because she loves you and WANTS to stay with you. It is also very easy for us men to forget to show the right appreciation and love for our spouses. Unfortunately it is more often like “I married you, didn’t I? And I said that I loved you. Until I state otherwise, it remains so!”

This is something which takes a lot of work and energy, but it is worth the efforts if you manage. Forgive your wife and work on your own relation. Leave that guy and his wife to their own destiny.

You have a lot of your own. You simply haven’t got the time to waste your efforts on the other couple’s relation!

Another thing… who wants to be a looser?

Any looser can be bad to somebody else, or do bad things to people who put themselves in vulnerable positions.
A weirdo can smear snot on door handles and sit there laughing when people get his snot on their hands. It is simply impossible to defend yourself, and you are vulnerable. So is that guy, and you can do bad things as a revenge, but it does not make you bigger. Even an alcoholic and looser managed to shoot the Swedish Prime Minister (and made that a**hole becoming a martyre).

So you can do bad things to that guy. In primitive societies they got their spouses by cleaning out their competitors. But it is so much better to get (or keep) your spouse because she PREFERS to be with you.

That is victory, but not a looser’s victory!