friends help: I grew up in an abusive household. - Help.com

I see what has happened with you and your family and the way in which is linked with you present situation.

There is a theory in Psychology that we once we have a bad expierence, we try and reproduce the situation to try and resolve it.

We go over and over it walking into any possible situation that will bring the problem right up into your face so that you can try and solve it again. But as often happens we never solve it.

But here is where you’r different!!

You have a chance to solve it!!
An oppertunity!!

What you need to realise is that not everyone is the same as the people who have treated you so badly, because that is at the heart of your fear.

The fear that it might happen again.
Do this as your first step.

Do you think you could manage that??

Hello Piadora,
it’s a common knowlegde that people who had a past whith abuse involved have problems like you.
It’S really horrible what happened to you, but I think its correct that you should try to change that. For yourself and your son. People are not as bad as you may think, there will be many, I bet, because you seem like a really nice person, who’d like you honestly.

I can just agree with osianrhyshughe, and I wish you all luck, I think you can do it.

Piadora,
I think you already know the answer to this, but it’s not an easy answer. You obviously have been affected by your treatment earlier in life, and it’s fairly common for people that have been abused to find abusive relationships later. I’m a survivor too.

Osianrhyshughes has a point, but I think your very first step is to get yourself a counsellor that WORKS. You need to know how to start dealing with this, and speaking to a trained counsellor helped me find the way to start working things out.

By the way - I tried 3 before I found someone that I connected with.

Perhaps a domestic violence group will help, because DV is related to the abuse of power and there are underlying themes - maybe hearing other women voice their feelings will make you realise other people have the same fears.

Or, perhaps you’ll be more comfortable just talking to somebody you can’t see on the phone. That would be a good start to gain confidence.

I guess the point is: It won’t be an immediate fix, but the first thing you can do is start taking baby steps to find someone and talk. Jumping into meeting people will make your anxiety worse, and you need to prove to yourself that people can be trusted, little by little - a counsellor or support group will do that…

It takes time and patience, but stick with it. My life is so much richer now that I’ve learned to trust again - it’s unrecognisable to what it was before.

Hey Piadora.

TankGirl is right. Find a counsellor to talk it through.

And I’m not sure where your from but in Wales we have Womens Aid.. which helps Woman that have been though an abusive life. I’m sure there are the same such organisations available to you. Best of luck. x

Ok, I understand. I dont get it. If your going to them for help but yet you come out the same. What’s the deal with that? Does it help you?

The answer is simple. If you don’t want to fear it. You have to shed your fear of it.

The difficult part is shedding the fear you have.
Hard. I know. You might even think imposible. But I know It’s not.

It’s deep routed with you so time will heal. I’m not a Christian but I think this would help.

“God grant me the knowlage to know what I can not change,

The Courage to change what I can,

And the Wisdom to know the difference.”

tankgirl was right about babysteps.

I have two children, and it helped me to realize that in “public” - like at my kids school and other activities - all the parents are acting. That is, society has determined a role for Mom and Dad, and we gain approval when we play our part. This means showing up, making polite chit-chat, taking our turn to bring treats (or whatever), and basically just doing what everyone else does. To look for friends or understanding in these semi-formal situations is unrealistic. It took me a couple years to realize that those who are friends in these groups often grew up together, go to the same church/club, or are neighbors.

Those of us who come from dysfunctional homes did not learn the social cues and interactions that most people view as “normal.” We, therefore, often come across as odd and feel horribly out-of-sync. This is where a good counsellor helps. As does practice. For several years, before I went to a parents’ activity, I would practice (by myself) light conversation. You know, things like, “which child is yours?” “Oh, yes, that’s my boy. He’s in Mrs. —’s class.” “Do you live near the school?” Clearly, you’re a smart person, if you think about it, you know the routine.

It sounds like you feel very raw, as if everyone can see right into your soul. Believe me, most people are much too self-absorbed to bother analyzing someone else. But if you feel like you need a suit of armour, create one. People only see what you allow them to see. If you dress like others, say the same things they say, act as they do - they see someone just like themselves. No one really expects anything else from you at school or the supermarket.

Once you manage these small social rituals, you gain confidence. And eventually there will be someone - one person at a time - with whom you can be more open. But if you pour everything out at once, if you lay your fears and life history on someone else, of course they will back away. Friends need to keep things even and for quite a while, light. Save the heavy stuff for your therapist and support group.

It is not hopeless, but does require brutal self-inspection and change. This is part of loving someone else more than one’s self. “I love you not for what you are, but for what you are making of me. . .”

Hello Piadora, I can relate to your situation very well. I also grow up in a family where I was the quiet and shy one out of the brunch. Most of my relatives were very confidant and loud so they used to make fun of me and critize me for being me.( silly and quiet) This has made me a very insecure person today. I wear a mask at work and school daily, I’m able to pretend to be this woman that has it together, but in reality, I don’t. All my conversations are superficial and no one really knows me. I’m so terrified to let anyone in and get to know me or build true friendships. I have no one to talk to about my problems, no one to go out with. Sometimes I just cry when think of the fact that no one will attend my wedding or who’s going to give me a baby shower when I get pregnant and my biggest fear of all is that no one will attend my funeral. I search and search for someone that goes through what I do and I’m able to find people over the internet, but never anyone where I live. I just wish I had one true friend that understands me and excepts me for me. I just don’t understand this fear anymore, I play to be happy in public so much and for so long, just to be normal that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have been friendless for six years now and it has become a curse that I’m starting to accept. Sometimes I pray that God would gave me just one friend or I wish I could be a normal person for one day, I would be soo happy. Piadora your so lucky to have a child, I don’t even have that nor do I have a boyfriend, it’s not that I’m unattractive or that I don’t get plenty of man hitting on me, it’s just that I’m to afraid to let anyone know I fear social situation or I fear being myself infront of others due to being rejected. Well any ways I supposed I talked enough. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless