divorce help: Depressed Wife-At the end of my rope.

almostdone

Depressed Wife-At the end of my rope.

Hi all, this is my first post here as I feel very lost and confused. Here’s my story:

I’ve been married for 11 years and I have three beautiful boys aged 11,6,and 4. I’m 37 and my wife is 30. My wife had a very troubled childhood growing up. She was abandoned by her Mom, and her Dad abused her, so she was put into foster care at the age of three. She grew up in various foster homes not knowing her real parents. She also suffered emotional and physical abuse in different foster homes. She has seen therapists in her teen age years but not as an adult, and refuses to see them now.
I knew my wife had these deep issues when we got married, but she seemed happy and in love with me and I was in love with her. I did not know the extent of her depression though. In the last five years things have progressively gotten worse. The last two years my wife had become much more verbally abusive towards me and much less affectionate. She always had problems with affection but this was much more withdrawn. She didn’t feel like doing anything and started saying she didn’t feel any emotions about anything at all. She started sleeping until 12:pm and wasn’t motivated to do anything.

I took over the morning chores for our children; breakfast, making their lunches for school, doing dishes ect. I understood from research that my wife was suffering from depression. I tried to be as supportive as possible and I guess I became an enabler by all the work I was doing at home. She refuesd therapy, along with marriage counseling so I left about a year ago.
I stayed out of the house for about three months when she said she would seek help and we could try to reconsile. things were initially better but she didn’t go for any help and things went back to the way they were after 4 months. I left again for another three months, but the pain of not being with my children and the love I have for my wife brought me back yet again.
While I was out of the house I met a beautiful, caring and affectionate woman who wanted to be with me and is still understanding about the situation. (My wife was seeing others herself during this period). I’m back at the house and after only 1 month my wife is back to her derpressive state. She won’t open up to me and has no interest in being affectionate. The only time she opens up about her emotions are when she’s drinking, then she tells me she loves me and she also tells me new stories about the abuse she had as a child. I know she needs some serious help from her childhood but she still refuses to seek any. It leaves me feeling helpless and very lonely. I know if I leave it will be for the last time, I really want to save my marriage though and I was wondering if anyone has any good advise??????

This open post was written 4 years, 8 months ago | V/U/S: 4,531, 12, 9 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post almostdone may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. almostdone is a verified member, has been around for 4 years, 8 months and has 1 posts and 2 replies to their name.

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marrige advice, advise, divorce, depressed wife, ending marriage, help with marriage (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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almostdone edited this post 4 years, 8 months ago. Read the previous text »

Depressed Wife-At the end of my rope.

Hi all, this is my first post here as I feel very lost and confused. Here’s my story:

I’ve been married for 11 years and I have three beautiful boys aged 11,6,and 4. I’m 37 and my wife is 30. My wife had a very troubled childhood growing up. She was abandoned by her Mom, and her Dad abused her, so she was put into foster care at the age of three. She grew up in various foster homes not knowing her real parents. She also suffered emotional and physical abuse in different foster homes. She has seen therapists in her teen age years but not as an adult, and refuses to see them now.
I knew my wife had these deep issues when we got married, but she seemed happy and in love with me and I was in love with her. I did not know the extent of her depression though. In the last five years things have progressively gotten worse. The last two years my wife had become much more verbally abusive towards me and much less affectionate. She always had problems with affection but this was much more withdrawn. She didn’t feel like doing anything and started saying she didn’t feel any emotions about anything at all. She started sleeping until 12:pm and wasn’t motivated to do anything.

I took over the morning chores for our children; breakfast, making their lunches for school, doing dishes ect. I understood from research that my wife was suffering from depression. I tried to be as supportive as possible and I guess I became an enabler by all the work I was doing at home. She refuesd therapy, along with marriage counseling so I left about a year ago.
I stayed out of the house for about three months when she said she would seek help and we could try to reconsile. things were initially better but she didn’t go for any help and things went back to the way they were after 4 months. I left again for another three months, but the pain of not being with my children and the love I have for my wife brought me back yet again.
While I was out of the house I met a beautiful, caring and affectionate woman who wanted to be with me and is still understanding about the situation. (My wife was seeing others herself during this period). I’m back at the house and after only 1 month my wife is back to her derpressive state. She won’t open up to me and has no interest in being affectionate. The only time she opens up about her emotions are when she’s drinking, then she tells me she loves me and she also tells me new stories about the abuse she had as a child. I know she needs some serious help from her childhood but she still refuses to seek any. It leaves me feeling helpless and very lonely. I know if I leave it will be for the last time, I really want to save my marriage though and I was wondering if anyone has any good advise??????

almostdone changed the tags on this post: they were "marriage, state, Breakfast, Psychotherapy, sleep, Pain and nociception, Love, woman, Emotion, Boy, depressed wife, save marriage, lonely father" 4 years, 8 months ago.

Anonymous #
4 years, 8 months ago (2 hours, 57 minutes after post)

What a sad story. I’d say cut your loses and move on with life. She obviously has a lot of baggage that she doesn’t want to deal with. She sounds very narcissitic and self-absorbed. Who needs that?? It’s fourth down, punt.

ccork-jupitersafet #
An Unknown Location | 4 years, 8 months ago (22 hours, 58 minutes after post)

Im in a similar place with my wife, she refuses to admit her severe clinical depression has taken over. She tried to move on from her past by taking the perpetrator to court but he was acquitted on medical grounds as he was 88 at the time. to make it worse he got caught red handed with a child a fortnight later. I think you are like me in a catch 22. Just keep plugging, refuse to let her get to you, (easier said than done I KNOW!) but you have too. Make sure your kids are very aware that mum is poorly and you are making an effort. Mine are distrought, 10 and 11 years old, but they are now more understanding about her moods and why she is constantly snapping.

Keep ya chin up mate, get help for you too, you will need it, two of you down the pan aint good for the kids.
All the very best

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IrAdler 5 #
An Undisclosed Location | 4 years, 8 months ago (23 hours, 9 minutes after post)

I was very sad when I read your post. I feel sorry for you. You had done more than you could and it is not you who could be blamed on that your marriage does not work. If she really loved you and wanted you, she would have made an effort to keep you too by getting help. She is too sure of herself that no matter what she does or does not, you will be there to fill in. Though you left a few times to make your point, only then she agreed on going to get help but once you came back she gave up. It is a vicious cycle and will never change. Also, it is not a good role model for your children to see their mother in a state like that and you catering for her needs. They need to see stability. By not being there, she would need to be more responsible for them, would not be able to sleep until 12 noon, and would need to prepare them for school. She needs to put her act together and you actually helping them all if you’d left. There is nothing for you in a marriage like this. You deserve better. Do not, not even for a second, feel guilty of leaving. You can’t take responsibility of her childhood’s problems, and she has no right to take it out on you. If she is not making an effort to change it but constantly moping about it, there is nothing there for you to do anymore. End it.

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almostdone 2 #
An Undisclosed Location | 4 years, 8 months ago (1 day, 19 hours after post)

I want to thank-you all for your replies. Deep-down I know you are all right.

The other night she came home stinking drunk at 5:30am and she’d been with some other guy. I left later that day for good. I am not going back and I will move on with my life. I did however write a very informative letter to her medical doctor outlining all her symptoms and behaviors, and pleading with her doctor to try to get her help. I did this because I still care about her well-being and do want her to find happiness one day. I’ll add further up-dates if necessary. Thank-you.

IrAdler 5 #
An Undisclosed Location | 4 years, 8 months ago (1 day, 21 hours after post)

You poor man, I feel very sorry for you. At least you did the only thing you must have which is you left. Don’t go back there anymore. You helped, now it is her turn to help herself. What about the kids? What will happen to them? If she came back early in the morning drunk and being with another guy, what role model that is for your kids? If you weren’t there, they would have been neglected.

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dhirenran #
An Unknown Location | 4 years, 5 months ago (2 months, 4 weeks after post)

Dear almostdone or alredydone,
There is principle of Karma. When one gets an abusive or a manupulative dear one, it is a result of combination of their past Karma and our own past Karma. Karma to mean what we did, in this birth or earlier ones and what she did in this birth or earlier ones. Since you have already left, now no advise. Had you not left, I would have said hang on for the rest of your life with that home and accept it as God’s will and he will shower true mercy and grace on you and your wife some day. You will experience his power, his grace and reach a step closer to thee.
Dhiren Rana

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SalC 0 #
An Unknown Location | 4 years, 3 months ago (5 months, 2 weeks after post)

Read the ebook “Living from the Heart” available @ www.EventTemples.com

If she can learn to use the power of compassion and forgiveness she may be able to free herself from the emotional pain.

I also recomend Eckhart Tolle’s book “The Power of Now”

Love her unconditionally and think of all the things you appreciate about her and you will experience more those things with her.

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Alpineblue4 #
An Unknown Location | 4 years, 2 months ago (6 months, 1 week after post)

well if you find a soulition send it my way my wife is very bad like this and i love her to death but im a hoe chaser and what ever she can think of me as being . Im not allowed to have female friends but yes im allwoed certian male friends as long as they apeal towards her as they become her puppets . There is nothing that i do rhat makes this ***** happy but let some male come up in here shes like talking away with them .

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sexyshamit #
An Unknown Location | 4 years, 1 month ago (7 months, 1 week after post)

Try some alternative therapies : Like Art of Living course It cans ave your wige and your married life

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jonatha #
An Unknown Location | 2 years, 11 months ago (1 year, 9 months after post)

I’ve just left my wife under almost identical circumstances, it got to the point that i couldn’t be in the same room as her without feeling high anxiety, I couldnt sleep next to her for the past 4 years and had to go in the other room as i associated her with restlestness/ anxiety. In the end I caught her depression and luckily had the strength to walk about before we both became engulfed and put it on our two kids. Since I moved out 6 weeks ago, I can see an improvement in her, she now takes pride in her appearance and the house and is going for job interviews. Im hoping my actions have actually liberated us both into being better people and parents. Sometimes if a marriage is dead and in a bitter cycle of rows, making up and breaking up, the only solution is to leave and be re-born it provides clarity from the fog and makes you realise that just existing is not making the most of life.

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