friends help: Help me, Im in hell. - Help.com

Help me, Im in hell.

Hellraiser quote and coincidentally happens to be what I just cried out in my head.
Im a 19 year old male from sweden, And I found the love of my life, The thing is she lives in the United States, But we both see this relationship as something really special so she will be moving here to live with me and we are getting married, All the things is taken care off.
Sounds like a dream come true, And to tell you the truth it is! But every rose has its thorn I guess, We recently found out she has cancer.
Luckily its not big and well placed so its most likely that she will come out of it perfectly fine, But nonetheless the treatment for it will delay things for I dont know how long, But its a long time.
And the waiting is killing me, I feel ill when I dont hear from her for an hour, After a day im really depressed, And now months has passed and its like every single minute for those months ive been fighting for my life literally to make it to the next minute, And while waiting I know shes across the ocean out of my reach in all this pain and I cant do a thing about it.
I know I shouldnt be complaining because its ALOT worse for her, And its because of that im not saying these things directly to her, I try to support her and make her smile whenever I get the chance, But at the same time im bottling up all my own pain.
I dont want to die, I really dont, But it scares me how close ive been to suicide at several occasions, Im holding on for her though, But sometimes the pain just gets to extreme to cope with and it scares me alot, What if it reaches its limit? And I cant take it anymore? God knows ive been close, But no.. I dont think I could do it knowing how much it would hurt her, But still I cant deny there is a possibility something might happen when I get to down and loose control of myself.
I dont want to trouble her with this, Not now when she has it so much worse, But the thing is she is the only one I have to talk to, I got no friends, I dont have any contact with my family, There is just nowone to talk too, I live in a very very small town aswell so there is literally no activities to get involved with that could help me think of something else or find a friend to talk too, So I end up sitting here alone in my apartment all days thinking about these things, The only contact I have with anyone is with her, And thats not alot, With all the stuff going on in her life and the timezones I usually get 1-3 houres of time to talk to her online at 3-6 AM my time, That doesnt make it much easier either, Because unless I want to loose the little time I get talking to her I need to stay up all nights, That means I sleep during the days and its even less of a chance that I find anything to do.
I know she will come out of it allright, And I know once that stuff is over with she will come over here and we can be together forever, There IS light in the end of the tunnel, But can my broken legs carry me all the way over there?
And lastly I should probably mentioned I HAVE thought about just buying a plane ticket and get over there until its done.. But the truth is I cant afford it.. Makes it sound like im a cheap bastard, But I really cant! I dont even have a job, I have just enough money to buy food and thats it, And the little money I occasionally manage to save up I need to save for when she is moving here, Theres way more then one would think at first involved in a cross country move like this so ill need it, I dont want this to get too long so I wont go in on the details on that, It probably is to long allready so I should stop here.

This is pretty much a bad circle and there isnt any way out of it then to endure to the end, So why am I asking for help? I guess I just really needed to get this off my chest, And hopefully someone out there will read it and that alone would help atleast a little.
Also feel free to leave any tips on how to waste as much time as possible, Something that doesnt require money.
And also, I apologize if my grammar is bad.

-The uneducated swede.

This open post was written 1 month, 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 121, 11, 9 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

united states, Sweden, friends, Cancer, Truth, marriage, food, suicide, god, state (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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