life help: After over two years of drunken nights, cleaning up messes, making - Help.com

Have you read anything about codependency? Some how in the relationship you had before he got clean, you helped enabled him. It is not that I am saying you are to blame, I am just saying that how it is. If you were in a relationship with an alcoholic and helped cover up his mess of a life, you were in a codependent relationship. Now that he is clean, you are trying to figure out where you fit in. It in normal to go through this. He has changed and that changes the relationship. He is not dependent on you any more, and that is good. Now the relationship has to move to a healthy one. Where you are together because you enjoy being together. It is going to take time and be a hard transition.

How long has he been sober? Does he have children with the ex-wife? Is that why he is in contact with her so much?

I agree to babacup.
Things change, not allways for the better.
But if you don’t try, then how will you know if you ever lost… ?

He has been sober for 22 days, I understand what you are saying but what do I do from here? How do I get rid of the pit in my stomach that I feel constantly? He has completely shut me out! I just don’t get it!! Now all of a sudden I am a nothing in his life! His kids are grown have their own phones, but calls her everyday just to “check in” and his mom takes every oppurtunity to let me know that she will always be the love of his life! And that she does not think he dated enough before “settleing” for me! I do not care what we are talking about he will bring her up I was buying mayonase and he had to tell me she use to put it in her hair! His mom also talks to her almost everyday as well! I am hurt confused and truly do not know what to do!!

A few question- DId he talk to the ex before getting sober? How long had he been divorced?

He talked to her very little, they have been divorced about 3 years! But they were together from age 15. That is the only girl he ever dated.

Have you talked to him about why is is talking to the ex so much. I know going through the steps of getting sober he has a lot of past healing to do. That can be part of it. I know it would bother me too. If he kids are grown, they should only be talking occasionally when it concerns their children.

I am getting the feeling because they were together so long and for most of his life, she knows him better then anyone else. She is someone who can understand how he feels going through this getting sober. That is why he is calling her so much. I guess the big question is does he still want to be with her?

I know that is painful for you to think about. Because that still leaves you with what about me. You are feeling shut out by him and he is talking to her. Have you talk to him about how you are feeling? It sound like the two you need to talk about all this.

I try but everytime I talk to him about anything he will hold it over my head. Everyone that knows him says he still wants to be with her including his mom who says he will never be over her! It is a very hard place to be in I feel like I have been used, like he needed a safe place to fall and be loved unconditionally and cared for and I was it, part of the reason they split is because of his drinking so
that makes me think now that he is getting sober is she reconsidering? She is with someone else ( she cheated while they were married ) but they have to talk everyday!
Everyday he tells me how he talked to her or if has a question it is her he calls! What would you do???

Right now I am thinking about the codependency. He seems to have some dependency on her. And You said his mom babies him. I am getting the picture he is a person who has trouble standing on his own two feet.

It is like he moves his dependency between people. It was mom, then wife, then you. And now for what ever reason it is ex wife again.

It is hard for me to suggest what you do. All I know t for you to do is get honest with yourself. Look at the big picture of “is this the man for me.” Because if he is, you have a long road of recover and healing and change to go down. Do you want to walk that road? I would if he is the man that fulfills your hearts desires. If he is not, I would say it is time find a new road to take.

I feeling like you are giving a lot more then you get in this relationship. But back to the codependency thing. IF you are in a relationship with a person who is so dependent, you have a part you play in that too. It is part of your personality. So what I am saying, is take a look at yourself and this relationship and past relationships. Are you always the giver and not receiving back?

My father is an alcoholic. My first two relationship, one was a drug addict, the other I would say was a functioning alcoholic, or at least of the road to being one. I was always the giver in those relationships. I allowed them to treat me the way they did. Not that they were abusive, but they did not treat me with the respect and love I deserved. So when I am talking to you, that is where I am coming from.

I now have been happily married for 13 yrs now. I would say my husband is a work- aholic but he does love me and respects me and gives me back everything I put into this marriage. I know I am his world and he would anything for me. We have great communication. Which it took time to get that.

So just look at your relationship and yourself and you will find what is right for you. Then talk to him. Let him know how you are feeling. If he holds that over head. There is a problem. The question again for you, is, “is this relationship worth the hurdles?” It may be. Only you know that.

He is completely dependent on his mom he lives with her and she takes care of every thing for him as well as his kids when he has them. I too was raised in an alcoholic household, my past relationship all disfunctional in some way! I ALWAYS give hardly ever get anything in return like I said I never feel like I am enough NEVER I always feel like I am the in the mean time girl like he is always looking for something better than me! I jsut never feel safe! Like I can just breathe and be myself!

It looks like you already have your answer.

I know but I feel so bad about myself I feel like maybe I am not good enough maybe I am the peice of crap he makes me feel like! How do I make myself feel better?

do you have depression?

No, low self esteem! I have always been in relationships where I have devalued. I have never felt like I mattered!

FIrst of all you have control of your thoughts. So when you have thoughts about yourself that are negative. Where you put yourself down. Example -I am so stupid. I am not good enough to be around these nice people. You have to stop that thought and redirect it. Example - I am smart person. I am good enough! I am worthy of happiness. Even though you tell yourself the positive things, you may not have the emotion that confirms the positive thought. In time if you work at it, the emotions of feeling good about yourself will follow. This is just one thing you can do. Here is a link that has suggestion.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self…

Use affirmations. Every morning and every night before you go to bed.

I am confident.
I am beautiful inside an out.
I am strong.
I am love.
I am powerful.
I am worthy of happiness.

I love the words “I am” I use them all the time. Remind yourself of how wonderful you are. Because even when you are not feeling confident, strong, and beautiful. You are still those things, you just have not found how to use them and express them in your life. So remind yourself that you are capable and that you can find you inner greatness and express it to the world.

I need to go to the store. I have been on the computer way to long today. Please feel free to give me a shout. Let me know how your doing.