life help: Whats the best way to deal with Jealousy? - Help.com

Why are you jealous or what about it?

It has always been about other guys. What my girlfriend is thinking or looking at. It really sucks. How can I undo this issue?

Jealousy is generally a self esteem issue. I definitely understand the jealousy thing, because I am a jealous person, especially when I was first dating my now-husband. It takes time to trust and become comfortable with him. I realized that I had to figure out that my hubby loves me, wants to be with me and even if he looks at another, he is still with me, not them. Now are you more jealous or more suspicious?

I have no reason to be suspicious. She is totally honest with me. I understand its to look but i guess it bothers me sometimes. It is definitely jealously and sometimes I create the scenario in my head for no such reason.

Its an everyday thing. On the phone or in person I have to question her about where she was or who she was speaking to.. I’m not sure why I do that. Can this be undone? I hate who I have become..

Do you mind if I ask a question (it might take a bit of pondering so no rush IF you even want to reply, ok?)? Are you certain it is jealousy or is it possible it is a control-thing?

Next thing that concerns me for you is that in your last post you wrote that you hate who you’ve become. If this is how it feels to you, this is NOT GOOD (obviously) and is a sign that this has evolved into sort of running your life and IT is the driver, not you. Is this how it feels, more-or-less?

If you don’t want to reply, no worries.

I know at times my girlfriend feels like i am trying to control her. So it can be both. Right now I feel I cannot enjoy my life because I’m always worrying about all these unnecessary stuff.

I just want to get over this finally and start to enjoy life.

depends on what you are jelouse about and everything

I always want to know her where abouts, other guys, who she talks to, basically theres never been a time where I could just never let things flow without any questions. I’ve been like this with all my girlfriends.

maybe you should start

I really don’t know how. Every time I try I seem to fall into the same issues. One little thing can just change my thinking and make me wonder for no reason.

it happens and just try doing something diffrent

I wrote a bunch of stuff below and then re-read your last post and a question came up - What have you tried to do/change before that has NOT worked so far? Please share. Then, read on:

Hey - good information… I have to say (and I’m no expert) it sounds more like a control-emotion than a jealousy-emotion. Now, the easiest thing would be for me to remind you (you sound like a very intelligent man) that the only person YOU can control is YOU. But, it is possible that that comes off as ‘nice idea, thanks… whatever’ and if that is the case you might need some very real counseling to learn the skills to GET that you are the only person you can control. What are your thoughts about that?

Then, alternatively, if you really do understand that you are the only person you can control is you - remind yourself of that, OFTEN OFTEN OFTEN. And then CHOOSE to trust her, CHOOSE to allow her to be everything she can possibly be. Can you imagine how much freedom YOU will experience by not needing to control this situation?! What a burden-lifted that would be. The only way to change this without couselling, because it sounds like a pattern, is to OWN the fact that it will likely end the relationship (you wouldn’t want to be controlled or not trusted or questioned every minute of every day, right?) and possibly that realization might free you up to CHOOSE your reactions.

Changing a pattern requires courage (foremost). After that, a commitment to what you want (or better yet, who You Want To Be). And then rugged, unwavering diligence (and compassion for yourself if you drop the ball). Is your peace of mind worth it? Is Who You Want To Be worth it? I am pretty sure YOU are worth whatever it takes to change this pattern so YOU ARE FREE of such a hard way of living.

You cannot control her, nor does it sound like you want to. Focus on YOU, kind man, be sure you are filling YOUR LIFE with what is important to YOU and, quite possibly, your life will get so full that the importance of control will lessen. Do your hobbies, exercise as much as you can, excel at your job - YOU be everything YOU can be and THEN start worrying about others.

OK… ’nuff rambling. Let me know if you have any thoughts. CHANGE is the only way and that requires YOU to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, not just think about doing something different.

Kibble,

I really value your advice. I would like to follow through with your idea of allowing her to excel in without the daily questions. Its going to be very difficult. What ideas can you give me?

I’ve also tried counseling and it works very short term.

I really appreciate you taking the time out to help me!

I’m heading off-line until either tonight or tomorrow morning so this will be short for now.

The biggest thing that came to mind from your reply is to remind you that YOU are, seriously, a very cool individual. Do you see that in yourself at all (I’m really asking)? Any person that cares enough about another enough to work on this kind of challenge has a big heart (not that common, I find). And anyone willing to look at themselves deeply enough to find what isn’t working right has courage (again, rare).

FOR TODAY can you give thought to YOU? Maybe make some notes about the things you used to want to do but don’t seem to get around to (projects, hobbies, exercise you used to enjoy, maybe even dreams you gave up for some reason). That probably seems thin and overly simple but, please, do this. Please, for today, think about you. It seems to me that folks don’t make time to THINK/PONDER about things/life so it might be awkward but just keep at it. Let thinking about her go for right now. If you two do chat on the phone or get together challenge yourself to simply listen and if the nagging questions sneak in consciously choose to put them aside JUST FOR TODAY.

Keep it simple - 1) Make your list, 2) Listen - allow the conversation to unfold and put your nagging question off to the side.

You’ll do GREAT, we’ll visit either later or tomorrow.

p.s. regarding that list - please WRITE the stuff you think about down on paper, ok?

Thank You, That means a lot. I know deep inside I really want the best for her. But I just don’t know how to go about doing so. Truly I am a person who cares at heart!

You will understand the situation more once we can go more in depth.

If possible I’d like to move this conversation via e-mail if its okay with you? Only cause I would rather work with once person only. My e-mail address is i> small>(email removed) /small> /i>

You are awesome!!

Thank you so much!! tearing…

YOU ARE AWESOME right back!!! Sure, email would be cool. Whatever you wrote, though, didn’t come through as an email address (unless I’m a dork and can’t understand how to read it!). Try again or please explain how I’m to read what you wrote, ok?

I’ll be back later.

digimaxusa

@

gmail

dot com

got it!