life help: Help…Im 20yrs old and im really stressed out, I feel as though im at breaking point! - Help.com

Hi there… First of all calm down. You’re indeed welcome here. and I may listen your problems, if you’re willing to talk about them. I believe there’ll be others too. so what’s up?

would you like to talk more about your problems? That’s what people do, and you shouldn’t be really shy to talk as you’re anonymous.

Im very calm, lol, Im just sad / stressed / upset!!!! It just seems as though nothing in my life is / ever has been going properly!!! I would chuck up all my problems on here, but im worried people might think im an annoying idiot. I think im far too old to be problems like the ones im having!!! But I do actually feel like blurting it out.
As I said before, im 20yrs old and im in my second year of uni. I dont know where to start with all my stresses… I feel as though I dont have any real friends, Im not very good at talking to people, infact im awful at talking to poeple. I maybe have about 5 or 6 friends, poeple who I feel comfortable with (though i dont feel fully comfortable with anyone). When I first started uni I had every opportunity to make loads of friends, but instead I just hid away, like on freshers week I think I only went out maybe twice. I just hate talking to poeple I dont know, I just get really nervous and stressed out that people will think im an idiot, or that im boring…thats my first problem.
Problem 2…Im not close to any of my family, especially my mum, I wish I was. I really wish I could just tell my mum that I love her, but instead I just always feel uncomfy around her, and if she starts trying to talk to me about ‘odd’ things, I just get angry with her. I have some kind of emotional block or somethng, and I wish I could just get over it, but I know I cant. Also, ive had 2 boyfriends in my life, and although Ive really liked both of them, ive been really horrible to them. The latest one dumped me about 1month ago because I was always putting him down!!!
Problem 3…im told that im good looking by a lot of people, and when i sit in my room and look in the mirror I think im attractive…but when im out, I stop feeling attractive, it seems like everyone else is better looking/better dressed/has a better figure than me. Guys never approach me! So I cant work out where im at, sometime I feel really ugly, and sometime I feel really hot. So I cant exactly say I have real image issues, as sometimes I think im the sexiest woman in the world. And this seems odd to say this, but for years ive been bulimic, lol, thats seems really odd to say that!!! Erm…I dont think im actually bulimic, but i go through phases where I wanna be really skinny because I think it will make me more confident, so I loose loads of weight, I also take eppedrine, which I know is really bad for me, but I do it anyway!! Im in one of those phases at the moment…but I dont really see it as a real problem, but I think it might be!!! Its probably not even bulimia, because Its not like a control thing, it really is just to loose weight…rather than bulimia, its more that im comfortable purging myself!!! And then when I get skinny it doesnt help, so I just get demoralised and fat again!!! :-(…although Im hoping that this time it will work, lol!!!!
Grrr…I dont know!!! I wish I could just be comfortable with myself…Im also a very fake person!!! I always pretend to be happy and joking, and I act as though nothing phases me. which causes other issues because my sister has social problems too, but shes really refrained, and so my mum is always helping her, like sending her on assertiveness courses etc and they’re really close, and it makes me hate my mum, I wish I could be as close, my mum thinks I dont like her, but its just that I feel uncomfortable! Everyone in my family thinks im have loads of friends, and im super-confident and happy,m whereas in reality…I go to parties and stuff, then I just stand in a corner with maybe one person all night, and eventually leave because Im getting stressed out!!!
Do these sound like real problems??? Or am I just being incredibly self-absorbed and stupid??? This is such a ridiculously long post, and ill be suprised if anyone gets to this point!!! Im feeling quite guilty now, so even though I have more problems, I think Im just gonna stop!!!
Am I just being stupid???

indeed they’re real problems.. I’m writing an answer, stay here..

First of all, about your sort of blumic condition. It seems pretty related to your social fear, self evaluation and/or self esteem. But it is really a serious issue, and you should accept that you’ve this issue (what you describe is exactly how it is experienced.) I won’t tell you to deal with it right away or see a pro. for it, because your struggle is most probably related to your psychological concerns.

I think it is hard to go and join the fast part of life for sensitive people. You might have a great mask that works when you are with friends. But you are aware that it’s merely your mask, and you’re experiencing another life inside it. You said you don’t like to talk to people you don’t know, and you suddenly loose your confidence in the crowd. I really feel pretty much that way… So can you have a thing with your control area?
Your confidence and initiative rises where you feel you’re in control, and you seem to loose yourself when you loose the control over your environement. May that be why you prefer closer relationships to easier ones?
And that may be the reason why you feel isolated in your university.
Tell me if I’m on the right track or not?

Ugh, I just read my last post and I said it all wrong!!! I sound like a bit of a nutter!!! Im not actually that crazy…awww, I just wish things could be better!!! Im not always unhappy, im just particularly sad at the moment. I think its because I was home from uni for the weekend, and Im going back to uni tomorrow. I do feel really isolated at uni, because I dont really have any friends there, not even fake friends. But then at home I dont really have any friends either. I think I always act as though I dont want to speak to poeple (as though Im too cool), just so I dont have to speak to them…when you speak to new people there are always expectations, and people might just think your an idiot!!! Say if I was introduced to someone at a club for example, if I saw them the next day, I would probably ignore them and act like I hadnt seen them / didnt recognise them!!!!
Now ive started talking, everythings just gushing out, lol!!!
Another problem is family issues…my dad has just been made redundant, and my mum is on the brink of being declared bankrupt(she had some kind of county court judgement against her last week). And so now my family has no money, and Im really worried about what will happen. Im even more worried about the happiness of my parents, I think my mum must be really badly affected by it. My mum has tried to give me, my borother and sister everything…she sent us to private schools, took us on fantastic holidays etc…and shes always been a workaholic. Then, I dont know when, it all started slipping away. I know my mum has suffered from depression, and she is still on medication (along with medication for other things), and I just think she must be so unhappy. Shes like me, she doesnt have any friends…she has one kinda friend, and thats it. I really really just want her to be happy.
I took a gap year (massive mistake), and I got a credit card (even bigger mistake), and I got into debt. I havemt told my mum about the extent of my debt!!! But now im at uni, im not working, and im always struggling with money, especially making credit card repayments…my mum knows im struggling, and often she just gives me money. e.g. a couple of weeks ago I needed an economics textbook that was like £40, and I told my mum, next thing I know, the book arrives in the post. I didnt ask for it, but I stil kept it…(this section of my list of problems prob doesnt make sense)…also, I wish I had mentioned this before, because this is something that is REALLY stressing me out, and I think it makes me seem really stressful to be talking about all my personal problems before the stuff about my mum and dad being sad!!!
Another problem is to do with uni. I got in to Durham University to do Politics, Philosophy and Economics…Durham is like a top university. Then at the end of my gap year, I suddenly decided that I didnt want to go there because I convinced myself that I wouldnt make any friends there because everyoine would be really posh and I might stick out a bit because im mixed race. So I declined my Durham offer. Now im at Manchester University, which really isnt as good, and because it was so last minute im not on the course I want to be. This stresses me out, sometimes I just think and think and think about it, and I feel like I wanna cry, I feel like ive passed up on a fantastic opportunity…also, my parents would have been prouder if I went to Durham…this is just another thing thats stressing me out!!!! :-(

I dont know…maybe. This is regarding the control thing. I definitely think my confidence rises when I feel like im in control…however, ive never though of my loss of confidence as being a result of loss of control. Although it may be…Im kinda in a funny mood at the moment, im trying to envisage being in a club and feeling like a ruler, but I just cant place myself. Your definitely on the ball about the mask thing and experiencing another life inside…lol. You said you have the same confidence issues??? That makes me feel bad for waffling on and on about my problems, I just wrote another really really long post, and its currently awaiting approval…im already feeling embarassed about when it gets approved, lol, sorry!!! A lot of poeple have confidence issues, so its incredibly self abosrbed to think that mine are so important…sorry…its just im feeling ultra stressed at the moment, ive had a few sleepless nights and crying sessions…also, i just came ‘on’, so that could be a major cause of stress!!! Now ive got it all out there, it feels uite menial, which is maybe a good thing.
I feel stupid saying this, but about my bulimia…its a bit like my smoking, I dont really wanna say anything else about it, im not even sure why i did!!! Next time im doing it, im gonna think about how I told you this, and feel really embarrased.
Its fantastic how you can just talk about anything when your talking anonymously. How do you deal with your confidence problems??? What do you do?? What kinds of problems do you have???

I felt like I should clear what I meant. most people have a regular control area on their lives. That area is the place where they feel secure and in control of their environement. But sensitive people tend to have more higher limits, because they are vulnerable to emotions that surround them. They prefer isolation, really easily get distracted in crowded places, can’t clearly see them-selves and express-themselves. They seem to adaptate easily on their outsides, but they struggle far more than they show during major changes.

Yet, as they’re real face looses connection from the outer world, they start questioning their selves. It is usually because of the distance they put to the world, but they feel unwanted. One’s security area can’t only consist of it’s self. It should have stuff that feeds emotions. This lower’s their self-esteem and initiative. Then they engage self-destructive action to “meet” the requirements in the society, and become wanted.

I’m really tired, it’s been late here right now, so I feel like I can’t express myself really clearly. Though it seemed that you are only in a phase that you’ve sheltered in your self and want to get out of your shelter. Usually this kind of behaviour has really strong highs and downs. So try to avoid the extremes like your blumic tendancy. If you feel like you’re hot, you’re probably much hotter that you think. So stay cool on that side, people probably don’t approach because of your distance.
And you can’t have good relatinships because you fear to let your boyfriends inside, and tend to control them, for the sake of your own emotional security.

No indeed, not you’re not talking too much about yourself, I was just replying your second answer. I am also pretty happy to find some who feels close enough to the way I do.

well, just report the reply clicking to the red flag, and tell your problem. they usually can change the name in replies. lucky you didin’t do that at the beginning of the post.

Also, what are your problems??? How do you feel about it all?

Well, I have really few people around me. I don’t really bond with people unless I feel I can rely on them. That gives me enough space from the regular day life. But that drops down the quantity of friends and social relationships. Still, it is almost impossible for me to engage daily communication. I always tend to go deep when I talk. Rather than talking about a subject, I tend to analyse it,and it is pretty boring for regular talks. But it never satisfies me when I try communicate “regularly” hiding behind a mask.

So do you feel as though your never able to ‘let out’ the real you because people dont like it??? But being fake isnt fulfilling for you, and doesnt really work for you (doesnt really go deep enough)…so you feel unable to bond with the majority of people? And you only have a few friends. OMG…I think I understand, its something you impose on yourself though…its self-isolation, which works for you in the situations when your removing yourself from people…but then it ends up leaving you feeling really alone???
Hmmm…I dont know if im being really dim, but am I failing to understand your social strain of social phobia???

but, I think I’m pretty used to be alone. Well, at least, honesty is rewarding. It’s impossible to be honest with anyone, so the relationships I have - (with my family, my girlfriend and a few friends) are pretty close. I can share almost everything with them. That helps me and them having individual problems, because I think real satisfaction is about honestly expressing one’s self. This made me hard while adaptating my university, but I ended up good there, focusing on my courses and using my time abilities on the subject. So, from a general point of view, I’m in a good phase of my life right now, and can’t say that I have problems. What I have satisies me already.
I know it won’t go like this forever, but what I learn now will be good strength for the next struggle period.
I always analogized my life to “stairs”. I mount untill I come to a stage, and find the time to enjoy the view, then I start walking up again.
well, really tired so I hope I expressed myself clearly but..

well, can’t say a social phobia.. Maybe it is. But I’m happy the way I am. I think I’m far too oldschool for my own generation. Things go pretty fast among our age. I already sort of started to walk up my path of career. I really prefer a decent chat in a quiet place rather than going out and having a fast life. I really prefer a good deep talk to gossiping.
I also think I’m quite good - looking, yet I prefer long term relationships instead of pursuing “the unkown” ever night. feeling up isn’t really a social power for me.. But it is really hard to classify one’s self…

the catch is about feeling lonely I guess. Even if lonely, you should find strong values to hold on. Then loneliness becomes more like a way than an emptiness.

I get like that too actually, sometimes isolation is good, sometimes it isnt. In all honesty (as you seem to like honesty), I LOVE being alone, but then sometimes, I feel like a loser e.g. when I stay in on a saturday night reading a book!!!
I think the breaking point always comes when there are loads of external stresses and you realise there arent many people around to support you!!! I think your far more mature than me, lol, im still like a child, I worry about being lame, I desperately try to keep up the appearance of coolness!!!
Do you not have issues getting close to the poeple you trust then???
BTW…I think your last post says the same thing as what this post says (I believe were on a level)…however, im supper drained out, and clearly not as articulate as you, so this post prob doesnt make it seem like I get you, but I think I do!!!

to be honest, I feel that way from time to time. i.e. I’m in a foreign country right now, and hearing laughs from my window. I am here right now about to sleep, talking on the internet. But then I think that I wouldn’t fit really good in there either.
The “evaluation” of being looser isn’t what I call myself. It’s a social label. And if it really has a meaning it should be about what I really am, not what I seem to be…. That eases up my thoughts.
Though, I accept that I have tough times as you do. usually end up reading a book.

Also, I just browsed other help topics, and there was one about everyone having two selves. Perhaps everyone is like this then, with the masks.
There was a refrence to an Eric Berne and Ego’s, Alter Ego’s and Super Ego’s.

Am I talking nonsense??? You seem quite content…have I understood you properly??? Or not at all???…you prefer to be your real self, rather than having loads of friendships / relationships based on your ‘mask’, you prefer to have a small number which are based on the real you…and although this restricts your socialisation, you dont mind…you prefer it??? Or at least at the moment you do, your currently content…but sometimes it may upset you?

Lol, that brings back memories of sitting in halls last year, hearing all the drunkards smashing things up, whilst I lay in bed drinking a cappuccino and reading a book!!! :-

Yes, you are right.
On the subject of having two selves. That’s what I think about people but that’s also something I’m idealistically against. I feel like I’m loosing of my valuable life-time each time I hide behing a mask.
indeed if we , clear the difference between comprimising and having a mask at this point.

Lol.. you just described how I passed my last 3 weeks.

Actually no, I think thats what I hate…I wish I could be more fun and reckless…I wish I could get pissed and do crazy things!!! So, I dont think ill ever be content with being me!!! :-(

Think about it this way, if you really had what it takes to be reckless, you would already be so. There are different types of people on this world, and if everyone was reckless, who would do the thinking for us?

and another thing.. If it is about having a place on the world, I think depth balances the value. More friends with less depth, and many back-stabbings is pretty equal to a decent amount of social interaction at a deeper level.

And must say, I had my part of some crazy days in the past… Well, It gave me nothing but the satisfaction of “being able to say this” - and sometimes laugh at some good memories when I’m with friends from the past… anyway… I’m out to sleep.. take care…

Yup, you seem like quite a rounded individual!!! Grrr…Im so jealous!!! Your comfortable and happy with yourself!!!
Im probably going to spend the rest of my life in a constant struggle with myself, lol, trying to make me ‘cooler’. Does part of you wish you were outside with the nutters??? It really is so much better to be indoors, relaxed, no social pressures, warm, sober!!!! OMG…Im so boring, ugh, I think im an old woman in a youngsters body!!!!

Oh, goodnight, and thankyou so much for helping!!!!
:-)
(perfect final comment on help.com)

Lol… you sound funny now.. have a last thing to say..

ugh…you ruined the perfect ending…HOW DARE YOU????

ouch, sorry …. I just have a small metaphorical thing to say… My dad went crazy in the last 5 months. He started going out at bars etc. We both have motorcycles, and he prefers speed. I must say, I would never give up a **** good oldschool chopper ride for a speed high…
Sorry for your ending though…
C’ya

huh??? Im so confused by that…

huh… yeah, must explain I guess. Well, experiencing the “road” slowly can sometimes be much enjoyable than the newage rush-life… So don’t worry being a grandma :)
Later!