Family help: SORRY FOR THE LENGTH I JUST HAVE A LOT TO SAY ON THIS MATTER - Help.com

SORRY FOR THE LENGTH I JUST HAVE A LOT TO SAY ON THIS MATTER

I live with my mother and I’m 19 years old. My mother’s boyfriend has been in and out of her house about 3 times. Because of him cheating on her. I did live on my own but I have recently moved back in with my mother. A couple of weeks after I moved back in with my mother, she let her cheating boyfriend back in the house. He gave my mother an STD a while ago, he stole money from her, he does drugs, he sells drugs, he doesn’t have a car or a good job, and has about 5-6 other kids he doesn’t event keep in contact with and he’s an alcoholic. These are some of the reasons why its hard for me to get along with him. On top of all that he comes home with a mean look on his face everyday. When theres family events and everyone is having fun dancing and socializing, he sits on the couch with an attitude and mean look on his face. He is also a bad influence on my mother because he always temps her to smoke weed with him. He has an ignorant attitude and perspective on everything. He is also a very jealous person, for example, if someone says something funny around him he doesn’t laugh, he wants to be the only funny one. I only heard him once say something nice and that was a compliment about my computer looking nice, but I think he was just trying to kiss a**. I have to live with him for now and probably have to see him from time to time for the rest of my life because he had two children with my mother. And my mother claims to love him thats why I think he will stick around. They are not married and plan to never marry. How should I deal with this man and the NEGATIVE impact he has on my family, my mother, and the atmosphere at home, and myself? Now everyday I dread going home because of him.

This open post was written 1 year, 1 month ago | V/U/S: 158, 7, 6 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post


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Since writing this post rbaez33 may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. rbaez33 is a verified member, has been around for 1 year, 1 month and has 18 posts and 63 replies to their name.

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Family, house, drug, cheating, boyfriend, mother, face, Event, home, live (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

Replies (7)

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alpha_behemoth_colli offline Unverified User #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 1 month ago (11 minutes after post)

Wow, sound like the same boat I’m in. Except he doesn’t do drugs and I don’t live there. But things were so bad I left at 17 y.o. and never came back. Of course I see my mother but I’ll never live there again. Anyway, it’s very difficult I’ve been telling my mother to leave him for nine years. It’s because she’s feels like she isn’t needed and thus attaches herself to the same guy. It might be the same way with you mother, I don’t know. If you feel that strongly against him. You have to let your mother know that you wont stand for her behavior in accepting him. This is dangerous. You can offer an ultimatum like I did, “Mom, it’s him or me.” But just know that it hurts if she chooses him be ready for that. Most mothers wouldn’t but now that your older and of the age to live on your own, she may feel like you’ll just abandon her next and will decide to stay with the abuser. Tell the boyfriend that you will not stand for his ****. Point out the things the he does that pisses you off, preferable as he’s doing them. That way you make you boundaries clear. MOST IMPORTANT and this was my biggest mistake. If he hits you or your mother, call the police. Let you mom know you’ll do this so that she has time to get away from the drugs and clean up her act.

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taylorbate offline Unverified User #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 1 month ago (13 minutes after post)

wow! lol im so sorry to hear about that.

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littlenick offline Verified User (1 year, 8 months) Long Term User Shouts: 159 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 1 month ago (17 minutes after post)

Sounds like you need to move out! Can you afford it?

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rbaez33 offline Verified User (1 year, 1 month) Long Term User Shouts: 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 1 month ago (22 minutes after post)

Thanks for the quick responses and help! And no I can’t afford to move out at this time unfortunately. But I’m working full time now and trying to build my resume for a better career position in Information Technology. Thanks again for all of your time and quick responses!

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theresape offline Verified User (1 year, 12 months) Long Term User Shouts: 4 #
Waltham, MA, US | 1 year, 1 month ago (28 minutes after post)

He sounds like a terribly disagreeable person, and he must drag everyone around him down, too.

What is it that your mother finds to love and/or like about him?

I can see where you would want to be with your mother and try to support her, or even provide a counterbalance for his negative attitude, but if it really bothers you as much as you say, then ultimately you have got to look out for yourself and take care of your own needs.

Many people are developmentally ready to be on their own at age 19. Is that a possibility for you? Could you support yourself, and be independent? Maybe you could find a living situation not too far away, so that you can still have lots of interaction with your mother and your siblings?

If you CAN’T manage to find a way to live elsewhere, I don’t know what to advise. I don’t think the ultimatum is a good idea– first, because you might lose; and, second, because it is not RIGHT for you to be making decisions about your mother’s life. The bottom line is that it’s her choice to be with this dude or not, and it is not your business to second-guess her decision. It’s her home, and you’re the kid. Your choices are to take it or to leave it, quite literally.

Good luck working through all this.

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EmilyRI offline Verified User (1 year, 5 months) Long Term User Shouts: 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 1 month ago (28 minutes after post)

Ahh I wish I could give you a simple answer. But years of having this man in your life have traumatized you. Since you cannot make your mother’s decisions, it is crucial that your life stay in tact even if this man is in your life more than you’d like.
You are it seems suffering from stress induced from everything going on in your life right now. Have you ever considered therapy or counseling? This process is not a one question/one answer bit. It’s several sessions with emotional ties to help you work through this as best you can.

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rbaez33 offline Verified User (1 year, 1 month) Long Term User Shouts: 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 1 month ago (1 hour, 47 minutes after post)

Thanks everyone for your help I really appreciate it and I am very grateful for you time.

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Help me with: Hello I’m looking for a new lcd tv with a fast response time.

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