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i can understand where you are coming from as i suffer from many of these forms of mental deficiencies. however i am glad that you have had the courage to speak out about your troubling past… something i have yet to gained the strength for and am also glad you ended up in a better relationship.
RapeVictim wrote:
Do you honestly think people are going to read that?
Seriously?
That was seriuosly rude, this website if for people to do that so you should screw off …
Anways I think its amazing what you have done Ell and you have to keep holding on and searching, there is someone out there who will understand you better then you do and You can be yourself and be happy hang in there =) If you need someone to talk to im always here.
RapeVictim wrote:
Do you honestly think people are going to read that?
Seriously?
Do you honestly think I care, seriously?
The ones that matter or have time will read it. Thanks for your oh so useful imput.
Kalorok wrote:
i can understand where you are coming from as i suffer from many of these forms of mental deficiencies. however i am glad that you have had the courage to speak out about your troubling past… something i have yet to gained the strength for and am also glad you ended up in a better relationship.
Alwayzjeremy wrote:
RapeVictim wrote:
Do you honestly think people are going to read that?Seriously?
That was seriuosly rude, this website if for people to do that so you should screw off …Anways I think its amazing what you have done Ell and you have to keep holding on and searching, there is someone out there who will understand you better then you do and You can be yourself and be happy hang in there =) If you need someone to talk to im always here.
Thank you both. I’m happy with myself, I just feel that I need a break-like the cracks are beginning to show in my perfect plan? I don’t want to break again. But I have no time where I can be vulnerable.
RapeVictim wrote:
Do you honestly think people are going to read that?Seriously?
There are a lot of good people here, including Ell, so I’m willing to bet there are a lot of people who are going to read this.
You can be vulnerable on here, there are plenty of people who have felt similar things, you are not alone. x
well its good that you are now happy with yourself.. just dont let scarsfrom the past drag u down
But If I don’t make sure I’m prepared - well we know what happens when things get too much. How can I let my guard down without getting like that again?
YES, people read it. You have been very strong at a young age, dealing with things no little girl should ever have to go through. I know how it feels to not have the support you need, and sometimes its hard to believe no one notices your pain or struggles. You need a way to vent and lots of hugs when you feel vulnerable. Please, keep posting on help and let it all out here if you have to. Also, find people who understand your feelings, people who have felt a similar way. It looks like you will make many good friends on here also. I can tell you are a strong person simply by reading your post, you have to know it is ok to break down every once-in-a-while. Just be sure you surround yourself with support!!
I’m willing to read this. I hope you don’t mind that I read it, Ell. You are such a strong person. I admire you! I hope that all the bad in your life disappears and that you come out a better and stronger person. I know that we have not talked that much before but I always found you interesting and intriguing! You will prevail in spite of all the obstacles. You will come out ahead!
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lesaleee wrote:
YES, people read it. You have been very strong at a young age, dealing with things no little girl should ever have to go through. I know how it feels to not have the support you need, and sometimes its hard to believe no one notices your pain or struggles. You need a way to vent and lots of hugs when you feel vulnerable. Please, keep posting on help and let it all out here if you have to. Also, find people who understand your feelings, people who have felt a similar way. It looks like you will make many good friends on here also. I can tell you are a strong person simply by reading your post, you have to know it is ok to break down every once-in-a-while. Just be sure you surround yourself with support!!
Thank yo so much, but if I do find people that understand, what do I do then?
But you shouldn’t have to let you’re guard down, you can sustain it, im thinking you need to vent to a close friend and let everything out maybe, but If you are strong now you can always be strong
Ell♥ wrote:
But If I don’t make sure I’m prepared - well we know what happens when things get too much. How can I let my guard down without getting like that again?
i dont know if it will help you but you could try giving yourself a set amount of time to feel bad, if you can write this then put your defences back up and go through all that you have gone through you are a stronger person than you give yourself credit for. am going now but if you ever want someone to talk to just leave me a shout. good luck x
RapeVictim wrote:
Do you honestly think people are going to read that?
Seriously?
For somebody with a name lie RapeVictim you don’t sound like a very nice person! I hope your name does not reflect you and you don’t find yourself in need of friends and people you can go to! Good luck to you!
littlenick wrote:
I’m willing to read this. I hope you don’t mind that I read it, Ell. You are such a strong person. I admire you! I hope that all the bad in your life disappears and that you come out a better and stronger person. I know that we have not talked that much before but I always found you interesting and intriguing! You will prevail in spite of all the obstacles. You will come out ahead!
Hey, I would appreciate it if you do get some time to read it and to make some comments.
I guess I feel like I’m doing all this just to keep alive but I need more than that? Should I be struggling every day just to keep myself from wanting to kill myself?
Alwayzjeremy wrote:
But you shouldn’t have to let you’re guard down, you can sustain it, im thinking you need to vent to a close friend and let everything out maybe, but If you are strong now you can always be strong
It just feels like i’m ready to burst…it needs to be let out. I don’t have any close friends. I have my boyfriend who already knows all this. He is amazing but I don’t want to rely on him. I love him but in a philosophical sense- He is not certain, wheras I am certain. So I need to make sure I’m in tip top shape?
Vyki wrote:
Ell♥ wrote:
But If I don’t make sure I’m prepared - well we know what happens when things get too much. How can I let my guard down without getting like that again?
i dont know if it will help you but you could try giving yourself a set amount of time to feel bad, if you can write this then put your defences back up and go through all that you have gone through you are a stronger person than you give yourself credit for. am going now but if you ever want someone to talk to just leave me a shout. good luck x
Thank you, the same goes to you. I know i’m strong but it doesn’t feel like that should be everything? It should feel like this struggle to be strong is a good thing, like peaceful. Instead it feels like hell.
It was a pleasure to take the time to read this and get to know you a bit better. You have have amazing strength to come through this, a wiser and better person. *hugs*
Talk their heads off haha! If they know how you feel, they will be happy to listen when you need them the most. Even if its online, you have people who understand you and that can be a huge impact on the hard times… if you allow it to be.
P.S. I am sure you know, but all this talk about trusting people you meet online forces me to think of this… Never give out your personal information, no matter how much you feel you can trust the person!!
Acutallu I didn’t mean *better* as such, I think I put that badly. I just mean wiser and certainly happier… forgive the bad wording please. :)
lesaleee wrote:
Talk their heads off haha! If they know how you feel, they will be happy to listen when you need them the most. Even if its online, you have people who understand you and that can be a huge impact on the hard times… if you allow it to be. P.S. I am sure you know, but all this talk about trusting people you meet online forces me to think of this… Never give out your personal information, no matter how much you feel you can trust the person!!
Ahh I know, I’m all clued up :) I’m still in councilling.But it just doesn’t feel like talking doesn’t make any difference.I don’t know why I’m in councilling. I’m ok, but I don’t feel like me coping is natural. It doesn’t feel comfortable to cope…
Anubis wrote:
It was a pleasure to take the time to read this and get to know you a bit better. You have have amazing strength to come through this, a wiser and better person. *hugs*
Hey, thank you :)
I feel like a child, well…I’m nearly 20. Still young. But I don’t feel like the other people my age. So…I don’t have many friends in the *real world*
Ell, I have to say, hearing your story told out like this makes me that much happier to be your friend. I’m sure everyone else is going to tell you that you can be vulnerable here, and I’m not going to argue with that or repeat it.
Honestly though, I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. Nobody should ever ask themselves “when is it ok to be vulnerable?” This comes from the years you went through with untrustworthy people around you. What you need to be focusing on is getting yourself to the point where its natural to ask yourself “when should I keep my guard up?”
With how you’re life has been, it is understandable that you’d feel guarded around your friends and Andy. But it is time to talk! After a while talking with anyone, trust builds and you’ll see that there are some really good friends out there.
You’re a wonderfully strong person, a funny girl, and a good friend, and just because there have been some screwed up people in you’re life, shouldn’t effect actually living it.
Hey ell,
I read everything and I can see how you feel or feel how you feel if you know what I mean.. Sometimes I stop makeing sense if I even make sense to begin with..
Anyway, I could make a really long reply about this but I know most of what I will say someone else would have said and if not it will be something I have already said before.
I want to help you and if not help at least let you know that I am here and I am listening so entirley up to you but you do have my e-mail, maybe a more 1-1 would be better?
As I said though it is totally up to you and I am here so if/when you want :)
But I lost all my friends from the controlling ex. Then when I made more (6 of them) they abandoned me because they didn’t agree with my choice of relationship.
I now have, 1 friend. Who is lovely, I think the world of him. But I feel like I talk about myself too much because he is shy and doesn’t talk much. We don’t have loads in common but he is a good mate. But not a best mate, I already know he’s not there for me 100%.
I get on with all the people at work but its a small place and a family business.So its not like I can break off and be friends with individuals, I love work but they are all a lot older than me and married with kids etc.
I have friends, but most of them are on here. I just feel like I don’t have anyone in real life-maybe thats partly the reason for my jokey “move to the UK” shouts. Because I meet all you guys and you live so far away, so I’m here still with just words online. Still no one to hug.
~LazyDaze wrote:
Hey ell,I read everything and I can see how you feel or feel how you feel if you know what I mean.. Sometimes I stop makeing sense if I even make sense to begin with..Anyway, I could make a really long reply about this but I know most of what I will say someone else would have said and if not it will be something I have already said before.I want to help you and if not help at least let you know that I am here and I am listening so entirley up to you but you do have my e-mail, maybe a more 1-1 would be better?As I said though it is totally up to you and I am here so if/when you want :)
Hey, You can reply as much as you like. or if you like email me your answer? I don’t mind. In a way I feel so lonely. but its not that that upsets me (because I’m strong now, I can handle lonelyness) I know i’m repeating myself but its that “being strong” thats so hard. If I let my guard down then how do I know I wont get back like I was again? I don’t feel like I can get proffessional help or change my counciller. I think that people notice my age and don’t take me seriously.
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this is what i think about this.
nobody of us is perfect nor we will ever be cause we are physical and spiritual in the same time , the physical cant take control nor can the spiritual so sometimes we are more physical sometimes more spiritual and in general one will dominate the other but not take full control… so being sad and weak , you will always be , but the thing you can control is how often or how easily you will be affected… we all have been threw hell of problem some threw physical pain other threw mental but i doubt anybody went threw this life un hurt i guess i can say we all are weak and suffered quite a lot , so you are not alone really but this word is seperating us from each other , they trick us to believe that life is perfect and we are ment to be gr8, but the truth is we will never be perfect and i think we should start excepting that and the world doesnt revolve on us like we are taught this world is far more than us wanting what we want…. there is no happy ending , this is life the white and the black , it is a mix of both , sometimes it’s abit more white sometimes abit more black… truth be told at some point we are all lonely, we all need love… but we learned that this life is a fight , we try to make the best out of what life throws at us that’s what we can do and the problems that we cant change we accept but the ones we can change we do seek a solution till we find it …
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Ell♥ wrote:
I started to realise it wasn’t me that was the problem.
you have answered the biggest question or concern or what ever it may be in any abusive relationship…. the abused is NEVER the problem… the abuser only makes us think we are…
as for you over coming soooooooo much at such a young age, hun… you are stronger than you know.. because it is will power that will keep you going… will power to make you know what you want in life and how you are going to get it… i have tremendous faith in you…
sometimes, it takes such a horrific thing in life to show us that we can make it.. and just by the things that you have talked about here… im hoping you see that you were given a 2nd chance to prove everyone wrong… including that piece of garbage who hurt you emotionally and physically..
deep down, you have more strength than you will ever know… and until put in that spot again, you may feel that you are weak.. but if you were put on that spot.. you would get through it.. because you are one tough cookie..
many hugs hun… love ya, shie.
Mail sent, thanks for letting me invade your space ;)
Thanks everyone. I do believe in myself. I do believe I can do it. Its just I have no Idea how I’m meant to take a break from all this? I can’t keep this up, well I can but I need some kind of relief every once in a while and I don’t know what. Its too exhausting being strong all the time.
Lazy- I’ll go check it now, thank you :)
Ann… I don’t have any friends. Just one, and he isn’t someone who I can really condfide in. I’m grateful for everyone I have here, only I can’t really hug you guys and i cant come round to your house when I want to cry and I can ask you to come with me when I need someone by my side because I’m scared.
Well I think you will do and be great :)
Ell♥ wrote:
I know i’m repeating myself but its that “being strong” thats so hard. If I let my guard down then how do I know I wont get back like I was again? I don’t feel like I can get proffessional help or change my counciller. I think that people notice my age and don’t take me seriously.
“Being strong” should never be about not getting upset. If something is wrong, than it is always alright to be upset about it. The problems you’re having with not having someone to be vulnerable with, and wanting to be strong, are two separate things that exacerbate each other.
What is it you mean by “being strong”? Do you just mean, being able to handle everything that comes your way, or is it not letting things that upset you affect you? Because they aren’t the same thing, being openly upset with people is how people handle bad things that happen to them.
It all comes down to needing people to talk with, people you like, people you trust, and people who are just good. Try talking with some people after classes at school, or if there are any of Andy’s friends you like spending time with.
Someone like yourself attracts people, bad and good, and it’ll always be a struggle to separate the two, but when you do it, you’ll find some really wonderful people, and everything will feel right. Chin up.
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Ell, you are a overcomer, victory is yours .I know the fear of being vulnerable but to be human is to be vulnerable, to give and receive love is part of being human we must always choose to love. I think your afraid of being ‘meek’ and dont want to be seen as ‘weak’.If im right I do understand and so do many others. In short. In actuality, a meek person is not weak or timid. In fact, (biblical) meekness or gentleness is synonymous with courage, confidence, and strength under control. To walk away is courage unde fire.The inner need to be noticed professionally or socially will fade and we end up with the glory. And it’s when we humble ourselves, admit we are human, that shows an example that its ok to turn the other cheek and forgive what offends us. I have a lot of hope for you sweetie, keep figthing the ‘good fight’ of life , you are already a good role model for all wemon and mankind in general :)
Godfather wrote:
Ell♥ wrote:
I know i’m repeating myself but its that “being strong” thats so hard. If I let my guard down then how do I know I wont get back like I was again? I don’t feel like I can get proffessional help or change my counciller. I think that people notice my age and don’t take me seriously.
“Being strong” should never be about not getting upset. If something is wrong, than it is always alright to be upset about it. The problems you’re having with not having someone to be vulnerable with, and wanting to be strong, are two separate things that exacerbate each other. What is it you mean by “being strong”? Do you just mean, being able to handle everything that comes your way, or is it not letting things that upset you affect you? Because they aren’t the same thing, being openly upset with people is how people handle bad things that happen to them.It all comes down to needing people to talk with, people you like, people you trust, and people who are just good. Try talking with some people after classes at school, or if there are any of Andy’s friends you like spending time with. Someone like yourself attracts people, bad and good, and it’ll always be a struggle to separate the two, but when you do it, you’ll find some really wonderful people, and everything will feel right. Chin up.
I think its both- its being strong by handling everything myself - being able to cope without the depression kicking in. and the other half is being seen as invincable to other people so they can’t see what my weakness is and use it to hurt me again. I don’t want to give anyone that chance just incase. with the school- its a home uni course. So no social part to it unfortunately
annlovestars * wrote:
Ell♥ wrote:
Thanks everyone. I do believe in myself. I do believe I can do it. Its just I have no Idea how I’m meant to take a break from all this? I can’t keep this up, well I can but I need some kind of relief every once in a while and I don’t know what. Its too exhausting being strong all the time.Lazy- I’ll go check it now, thank you :)Ann… I don’t have any friends. Just one, and he isn’t someone who I can really condfide in. I’m grateful for everyone I have here, only I can’t really hug you guys and i cant come round to your house when I want to cry and I can ask you to come with me when I need someone by my side because I’m scared.
Yes I see :)You think you can make new friends (I don’t mean on here) ?
But how am I going to meet friends?
{Felicity} wrote:
Ell, you are a overcomer, victory is yours .I know the fear of being vulnerable but to be human is to be vulnerable, to give and receive love is part of being human we must always choose to love. I think your afraid of being ‘meek’ and dont want to be seen as ‘weak’.If im right I do understand and so do many others. In short. In actuality, a meek person is not weak or timid. In fact, (biblical) meekness or gentleness is synonymous with courage, confidence, and strength under control. To walk away is courage unde fire.The inner need to be noticed professionally or socially will fade and we end up with the glory. And it’s when we humble ourselves, admit we are human, that shows an example that its ok to turn the other cheek and forgive what offends us. I have a lot of hope for you sweetie, keep figthing the ‘good fight’ of life , you are already a good role model for all wemon and mankind in general :)
Being vulnerable is what I used to be though and it drove me to suicide. I’m so lucky to be here right now, thats why I’m so scared I guess, vulnerability isn’t normal or human for me-its what could kill me. But if I can’t have any ‘moments of weakness’ then I don’t know what to have as a release instead?
You’re the bee’s knees :)
love and bright blessings ~ Rich
Richard cor de lyon wrote:
You’re the bee’s knees :)
love and bright blessings ~ Rich
Thank you, you know what for :)
By being able to write your post, it shows that you are no longer so vulnerable. Some fool wrote something rude right at the beginning and you just shrugged if off.
If you are comfortable with yourself, as you are becoming more and more, its much easier to make and keep friends.
I had to handle some very difficult times and people said “wow, your so strong in dealing with it”. I didn’t feel strong and didn’t understand what they were on about, but now I can, as I can see it in you.
Keep following in your path and best of luck in your journey.
Thank you all,
I stil don’t know what I’m going to do. I love being strong ya know I enjoy this thing I’ve created which means I can deal with the hard stuff. Nothing phases me anymore.
Its just tiring and exhausting keeping it up. I want to let it down for a break every once in a while and I still don’t get how I’m going to do that. At the end of the day I have to realise I don’t have hardly any friends in *real life*. Even if I did find a new friend, I can’t exactly just pour my heart out to them because I’ll put them off or it would be too soon.
tell Andy something that he does not know about you. Take Andy and go exploring that park. I’m sure you can be vulnerable around Andy… he might even like it - guys love to protect their ladies.
I don’t think theres something he doesn’t know though lol…we live in each others pockets more or less-we know everything about each other.
I figured you’d say that. Does he know you wrote this? Does he know you need to feel vulnerable sometimes?
No because…well…I don’t want to be vulnerable with him. He’s a possible future ’stressor’. I need to protect myself from everyone/everything
Hun, I respectfully disagree. I completely understand why you feel that way considering your past… BUT… as we move on with our relationships, if we want the relationship to reach deeper levels… we must learn to be vulnerable with our partner. I don’t believe that we need to give ourself 100% to our partner… but we should *share* 100%. That is both the good and bad… the strong and the weak.
I’m with Richard on this one Ell, the key to a relationship is trust. And to have absolute trust with the person we care about, we have to be able stand bare, physically and emotionally with that person and feel absolutely comfortable with them. If you are holding back some feelings because of mistrust, than you cannot possibly give everything to the relationship.
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I do trust him 100% as a person. But as a being that is seperate to myself, that is what i need to protect myself from. Its the way I have to be.
Stressors: For me, there are certain feelings that are stressors that cause me to cut. (haven’t done that in years now) theres also my dad and his oh so wonderful attitude and kindness towards everyone (sarcasm by the way) and feeling like people are ignoring me.
I have loads, I have them listed in a notebook and I have my answers and ways to deal with them written underneath each one. So wherever I go I am prepared.
If I don’t make some kind of effort or have some kind of plan, the simplest thing will make me spiral down and within no time I’ll be shoving the tablets down my neck again. I’m so unstable unless I am physically making sure the strong part of me is in control.
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Ell♥ wrote:
Its just tiring and exhausting keeping it up.
Where do you feel safe? I mean, is there a time or place when you can completly relax, let your guard down and not have to have “the strong part in control”?
I hear that its needed, or you’ll spiral, but could you take a walk with some music on and just relax?
most-wanted-websites wrote:
And is “dealing with stressors” something you would rather do alone — or would you like to have the support of other people to help you to cope?
I’d rather do it alone. Because I don’t ever want to completely rely on another person because then if they fail me or let me down my pillar of strength is gone. Thats why I need it within myself.
chunkymove wrote:
Ell♥ wrote:
Its just tiring and exhausting keeping it up.
Where do you feel safe? I mean, is there a time or place when you can completly relax, let your guard down and not have to have “the strong part in control”?
I hear that its needed, or you’ll spiral, but could you take a walk with some music on and just relax?
When I meditate yes, but although I’ve found I can use this to relax - I have found this doesn’t offer that feeling of release from this front I constantly have.
Meditate for the win!
What the “front”? Is it just to defend against other people who may hurt you like other from the past?
If so, then you can let it down anytime no ones around? Like when swiming, or when you have headphones on. I was down and for a while I could only relax when doing something like rockclimbing or hiking way way out in the wilderness.
Ell♥ wrote:
I’d rather do it alone. Because I don’t ever want to completely rely on another person because then if they fail me or let me down my pillar of strength is gone. Thats why I need it within myself.
I know what you mean there I am the same in that sense.
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Thats a beautiful idea in that video, but its not always true. They may be there a hundred times, and have meant it when they sang it, but reality is, some times they aren’t there.
They may pass on from this world, or they may fall out of love, or just be having a bad day.
Doesn’t mean you have to shut them out, just that for people who have been let down and hurt by those closest to them, they need to be able to stand on their own feet.
Just my POV.
Just relax dear, everything wilbe fine….. u werestrong, u r strong, and u wil rmain strong……. it depends on one’s mind… do your best and u wil get best i assure u… for ny help, jst let us know…. take care…..
You are like my heroooo! For making it through that and getting strong out of it! I have found my new idol. Sometimes I just feel like giving up..not anymore
Wow thank you, I’m glad I could have done something good from writing this :)
LOL eww.. who gets engaged at 16. and there you were saying **** about me.
Hey diddls, I read briefly what Elle was saying to you, and it sounds more like she was just offering knowledge from her experience; knowledge that was completely relevant to your post. There was no reason to come here and say this, to throw her words back at her because you were upset. I question whether or not you are mature enough to be engaged, when you can’t distinguish between her warning you from personal experience and an attack on your character.
Ell, you are a wonderful person, and a wonderful friend. I hope for nothing but the best for you, and I hope to know you and talk with you for a very long time. I’m honored to have such a strong and wonderful friend.
diddls_bff_coopanipp wrote:
LOL eww.. who gets engaged at 16. and there you were saying **** about me.
Exactly dumbass!! Haha you contradict yourself in every comment. Oh my god your hilarious.
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I feel that being strong means I can be who I am, act how I want and not be phased or have a care for unimportances or things that hurt.
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I do care, I’ve just learned to select what needs to be cared about and i’ve learned to care about things without getting hurt. I don’t need to care for the wrong things.
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Ignorance doesn’t help and nor does avoidance. If I want to address something then I shall.
I could say never mind, but no that isn’t the easiest option.
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Ell♥ Pants wrote:
I do care, I’ve just learned to select what needs to be cared about and i’ve learned to care about things without getting hurt. I don’t need to care for the wrong things.
Well said.
when you wrote the post you were feeling exhausted and needed a break, and you were asking questions about being vulnerable.
Where you at now?
I agree, things need fixing. But the things I say and do aren’t for others benefit. I know its selfish but its all for me now, otherwise i’d fall apart.
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