life help: I don’t know what to do - Help.com

Do something to help someone else, if you focus is on someone needy, your own problems will diminish, possibly disappear. Do child care/babysitting. Visit an old folks home and ask someone about their favorite childhood memories. Tutor a kid in reading.

I know I should, xeno dragon, but when I get there I can’t speak. I’m just bad at speaking about myself. And she told me that I obviously hated it so she wouldn’t talk to me that much.
I know she was probably just trying not to upset me too much, but it doesn’t work like that with me. I know I’m not good at talking to people about myself, but to know that she has given up on me after only two sessions doesn’t feel too great. And then it makes me feel like I shouldn’t tell her anything anyway if she obviously doesn’t care.
and if she doesn’t want to help me then I won’t bother to help myself.
and if she won’t help i’ll just stick to doing what makes me happy, before people interfered and made me stop and made me miserable.

it’s like if she can’t be bothered to do her job properly then i’ll get her back by making her know she’s failed, by eating less and less and less.

i know it’s screwed up and i sound like a ***** :(

Find a friend instead of a psycho

Haha. Do you think if I practised saying it enough I could say it to her face? I dunno.

I want to tell her that I hate her and she’s a crap psychologist and she deserves to be blames for the mental state of all her patients… lol. I don’t think I’d be able to somehow :P

But seriously. Mum rang her a week ago (bearing in mind that my next appointment was 4 weeks away) to say that I’ve been weighing myself again, throwing away meals and over exercising after they thought I’d recovered.

And what did she say? “Well, I did tell her not to weigh herself”

I want to tell her that I want to be better but she doesn’t help me because she doesn’t care enough, and that by not helping me with regular appointments, she is just weakening me emotionally and then throwing me out, leaving me to fend for myself and heal my own wounds knowing that I’m not worth it and I need to just give up.

At the same time, I am well aware of what a screwed up emotionally dependent nutcase I sound like!

I want to be better. I actually do I think. But it’s scary, I don’t know how to make someone understand but it’s a bit like… I dunno. I’m scared of losing myself.

I want to be better from it to the extent that if I eat more that I feel comfortable with, I don’t hate myself so much. I want to be better with it but still in control of it.

I dunno.

I don’t want to be focused on restricting my intake anymore. And if I can be truly better, great. But I do want to be better so that I can continue to lose weight but in a healthy way, and if I put on a small amount of weight for one day, or eat slightly more that I should for one day, I don’t want to just disappear.

I know. I do want to get better, I want to be able to eat. I don’t want to die.

But can you see why I’m scared? I don’t want to lose control of myself.

I want to be able to eat and be happy but at the moment I am scared of letting go of all my rules and orders, because without those I feel like I would just pile on fat and not be able to do anything about it.

It’s a tad irrational, I know.

And I DO I DO I DO I REALLY DOOOO want to get better!!!

I just don’t know howwww :(

Lol, ok I guess here is where the sarcasm and oh so funny wit comes out? I know how to eat. I know how messed up the mentality behind it is. I know I’d die if I don’t eat. I know it’s healthier to eat properly rather than like a bird.
I don’t feel guilty deliberately. And if I could just tell myself it’s healthy to eat normally, and then be fine, I would. But I can’t help it. I’m not in control of how I feel.

Me, I guess. Because try as I might (and I really DO try) I just can’t get rid of the guilty feelings I get when I eat.

I dunno, I guess I feel like I shouldn’t. If it’s a choice to eat (when I’m not being made to) I feel like I shouldn’t take it and if I do, I’m being greedy. I guess maybe I feel like I just don’t deserve to. Don’t ask why!

I’m not actually sure and I don’t know where it stems from. I think maybe past feelings of insecurities have just latched on. It’s a bit like a vice and it’s something to blame maybe? So if I feel bad, if I feel like I’ve made a fool of myself or been to loud and arrogant, I will calm myself down, and make a new plan of what (more, what not) to eat.
Hmmm. It’s just a bit like if I feel I stick out too much, if I’m too much of a sore thumb then it’s because I’ve eaten.

So when I feel bad, no matter what the reason is, it will come back down to the fact that I’ve eaten too much. And over time it kind of developed into the whole “Don’t eat, you don’t deserve it. If you eat you are making a fool of yourself and you’re just not worth it”.

I realllly don’t know. It’s really just like I’m not worthy, like food is a guilty pleasure. You know how you have little guilty pleasures every now and then, I don’t know, like going on a shopping spree, pushing all their work to the side for an evening and doing nothing, going out and getting pissed etc etc etc, I feel like it is that.
Like I have to do something to deserve it, and I just haven’t found out what that something is.