Year help: My parents got divorced when I was 4.

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My parents got divorced when I was 4.

It was no biggie, I saw my dad every other weekend, but the problem was that he kept BS:ing my mom in front of me. I was a problem kid in school, made a lot of noise, had problems sitting still and such and my dad would blame all of that on my mom and the way she raised me. I often felt like the messenger between the two, (although) my mom would never talk about my dad like that.
Anyway by the time I turned 11 I’d started to not like going to my dad’s, I’d find ways to stay home when it was his weekend. By the time I turned 15 my dad and I had a major argument and we ended up not talking for about a year. My dad was very fragile during this, I didn’t know it then but he was seeing psychologists. Ever since I was way little my dad had been acting aloof and coldly to everything. When he used to pick me up at mom’s he wouldn’t speak to me or anything and he could lash out at me for anything and it resulted in me being very apprehensive when I had to speak to him. He also had these anger fits where he would go mental, he never hurt me or anything but it was still really scary. Our argument had to do with this a lot.

But since I turned 16 and forth it’s almost like he’s a new person. I don’t recognize any of his previous personality traits. He talks a lot now, he laughs and smiles and basically he is like a new human being.
But the problem is that since I turned 18 he hasn’t called me on my phone like he used to. He never asks me to come over anymore (I’m not obligated to show every other weekend since I was 12 btw) like he used to before this. Before I turned 18 I was always invited to celebrate my grandmother’s/aunt’s/uncle’s and cousin’s birthdays but he hasn’t invited me these last two years. I’ve confronted him about this once before in front of his wife but somehow they turn the blame on me and says it is I who doesn’t want to come.

I do want to come to people’s birthdays, they’re my family for crying out loud but I’m not even let on to their plans. They catch movies and theaters without me, they celebrate birthdays that I used to spend with them by themselves, they take trips without me and without even asking me. My brother lives with them since he was 2 and my dad and his wife has another child. But it is these last 2 years that it feels to me that they’ve gone out of lengths to exclude me from their family. I have tried not to get affected by this but I have started crying several times when I’ve talked about this with my mom. She tells me it is them who are strange but I can’t stop wondering if it is something I’ve done. I mean, the argument my dad and I had is over and we were on really good terms about a year or so after it but it is like something has happened now.

Another thing I used to call now and then “offering my services”, like the time my dad talked about the boat and that it needed repairing. I offered to help any day, like before, all he had to do was call me and I’d be there, he said ok. Then I hear from my brother that he, my dad and his wife had been fixing the boat by themselves but that they had needed help at some point and then my dad had discussed with them if they shouldn’t call my uncle for help. They decided not to since he was working. I mean, come on! Why didn’t they call me? I wasn’t working, I wasn’t doing anything and I could’ve helped since it was just about manpower. I know my dad has problems with my mom, he hates her and can’t even talk to her and I know his side of the family blame their break-up on her, but what has that got to do with me? I don’t even know what to say anymore. I just want to know what I’ve done… but nobody wants to tell me.. I don’t know how to get on with my life… please has anybody gone through this? Could anybody help me? :(

This open post was written 1 year, 1 month ago | V/U/S: 355, 8, 8 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Year, ing, Problem, Turn, talk, mom, Call, dad, divorce (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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Crisabell 8 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 1 month ago (4 minutes after post)

my parents got into fights since i ws 4 divorced when i wus 9 …. moved out wen i wus .. 7 .. anyways , call him up and ask for a solo meeting .. maybe its the new wife not wanting .. u to c him or sum thing

Help me with: okay , so what if you were on a break for 2 weeks with your bf/gf , but then you want to see them during the 2nd week because

Anonymous #
1 year, 1 month ago (7 minutes after post)

This sounds alot like what happened with my dad, almost in the same order. I have a step dad now and ive known him since i was about 3 or 4. This is my advice, Forgive what he has done and try to have a solo conversation with him like what crisabell said. There is Faith in everything, my father attmpted suicide and was saved from my grandmother (who was in another state) When she felt a sudden urge to call the cops and warn them, unsure why. They got there right before he pulled the trigger. So, if you try and it’s meant to be it will work out. if it doesn’t seem to be that way then don’t worry, it jus tisn’t meant to happen.

Punky_kid #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 1 month ago (12 minutes after post)

Hey my parents got divorced when I was 7. My father got a new wife, and kicked all of my stuff to the curb, and dropped me off at my mom’s. My mom was glad to have me, and I’ve lived with her ever since. But after my Dad dropped me off, he constantly called and said he loved me, wanted me back. But he never showed up to court or anyhting. He even had 2 other kids, like replacements. You should try talking to him alone definently, or try calling your cousins or other people who are having the parties and ask if you could go. I hope I helped, and I hope things get better.

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jodie_lak 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 1 month ago (1 hour, 23 minutes after post)

oh sweetie that sucks.
i had a similar thing. my dad left when i was very young. about the same age you were.
their only contact was through courts, lawyers, or me and my siblings.
its horrible to be the messenger. its like standing in no-mans-land in the middle if a war-zone.

this continued for years, and is still going on today.
to the point where i cant bring myself to see my dad anymore, because of the rage it sends my mother into.
also because his new family seem to resent me and do not like me being around.
i see him very occasionally for big family gatherings. and when i do, i miss him like hell.
but the longer i leave it, the harder it is to pick up the phone, or pop round to see him.

so if i could suggest anything, its to tell your dad how you feel, when you are alone together. not in front of his wife.
try and fix it before its broken.

but keep your chin up and dont forget to think about yourself.

good luck.x

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Cell 63 #
Winnipeg, MB, CA | 1 year, 1 month ago (4 hours, 12 minutes after post)

It’s not your fault. You were just a kid when it happened.

Why not try inviting your brother out for a movie or something. Or inviting you dad and his family to a picnic in the park or something. Try making the plans. All you can do is try. If they say no you will know it really is them that have the problem.

Good luck.

Help me with: I’m feeling a little lost…When you have your own business how do you know how to prioritize?

DrinkAwayMyPain 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 1 month ago (13 hours, 25 minutes after post)

my mother lied to me about who my father was for 14 years later my drunken alchoholic of a stepdad told me that he wasnt my father pissed out of his face and my mother agreed

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jadfafasfasfas #
An Unknown Location | 1 month, 4 weeks ago (11 months, 3 weeks after post)

You don’t have a problem, they do. It simply because you are much affiliated with your mom, who they hate a lot. and when they see you, they’ll have some flashbacks of what happened back then with your mom (not with you). to them, you mirror your mom because of long-term exposure to each other and thus they just THINK that you resemble your mom. perhaps you really do resemble her and thus remind them about her and their divorce, but that doesn’t matter, it was never your fault. and resembling your mother or not is not a big deal. they don’t see what beauty your mom has, and that’s their problem. all events come back as flash backs once a person is close to death, and (not cursing, but truth telling) that you’re dad and their side will definitely turn their head back to you and your mom. regardless they apologize or not, you’re guaranteed that they had their old years with guilt, and that’s the hardest thing for aging people.

This is how the memory tricks the mind. you and your mom are and were never at fault. with regards to divorce, that’s a separate issue. but after the divorce, it is another issue, and this is what you’re worried about.

you’ve done what you gotta done as a son and as a member of the family. you’ve offered, they use passive-aggression as to evade their memory.

you should think on the brighter side, why is your mom not holding grudges about the divorce and your dad is? that is because your dad hasn’t gotten over with it yet, and he is not moving on. i bet he is the one at fault, if not, he should be dropping the topic and controlling his mind from connecting you with your mom as if you were the cause for the divorce. if he is really a gentleman, he shouldn’t have been bs-ing your mom infront of you. and after all these years, he should have thought that your mom and him were once under the same roof and gave birth to two children. these should have soften him up, but he didn’t.

he didn’t do what a dad gotta do to bring up his child in a responsible manner. don’t pity yourself for being left-out. sometimes, it is the blacksheep in the field who ends up alive and away from the wolf’s attack. and if he is not a responsible dad, and just this little kind of responsibility, that is being nice to you, he cannot do properly, what do you expect his children with his now-wife will be?

show him what you got through your success in life. the more successful you are, the faster will he be able to regret and be at guilt for what you and your mom don’t deserve –i.e. respect.

You don't have a problem, they do. It simply because you are much affiliated with your mom, who they hate a lot. and when they see you, they'll have some flashbacks of what happened back then with your mom (not with you). to them, you mirror your mom because of long-term exposure to each other and thus they just THINK that you resemble your mom. perhaps you really do resemble her and thus remind them about her and their divorce, but that doesn't matter, it was never your fault. and resembling your mother or not is not a big deal. they don't see what beauty your mom has, and that's their problem. all events come back as flash backs once a person is close to death, and (not cursing, but truth telling) that you're dad and their side will definitely turn their head back to you and your mom. regardless they apologize or not, you're guaranteed that they had their old years with guilt, and that's the hardest thing for aging people.

This is how the memory tricks the mind. you and your mom are and were never at fault. with regards to divorce, that's a separate issue. but after the divorce, it is another issue, and this is what you're worried about.

you've done what you gotta done as a son and as a member of the family. you've offered, they use passive-aggression as to evade their memory.

you should think on the brighter side, why is your mom not holding grudges about the divorce and your dad is? that is because your dad hasn't gotten over with it yet, and he is not moving on. i bet he is the one at fault, if not, he should be dropping the topic and controlling his mind from connecting you with your mom as if you were the cause for the divorce. if he is really a gentleman, he shouldn't have been bs-ing your mom infront of you. and after all these years, he should have thought that your mom and him were once under the same roof and gave birth to two children. these should have soften him up, but he didn't.

he didn't do what a dad gotta do to bring up his child in a responsible manner. don't pity yourself for being left-out. sometimes, it is the blacksheep in the field who ends up alive and away from the wolf's attack. and if he is not a responsible dad, and just this little kind of responsibility, that is being nice to you, he cannot do properly, what do you expect his children with his now-wife will be?

show him what you got through your success in life. the more successful you are, the faster will he be able to regret and be at guilt for what you and your mom don't deserve --i.e. respect.

This account has been deactivated.

Crisabell 8 #
An Unknown Location | 1 month, 3 weeks ago (11 months, 3 weeks after post)

talk to your dad !

Help me with: okay , so what if you were on a break for 2 weeks with your bf/gf , but then you want to see them during the 2nd week because

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My parents got divorced when I was 4.

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