This post left anonymously
I am a horrible person.
I don’t really function quite right on any level a person should, and my love/hate thing for the rest of humanity makes living a dealing with them difficult. I don’t consider life sacred, nor do I think that all feelings and oppinions are valid. I figure everyone has a right to their own way of thinking and feeling, and I have a right to not care, which I exercise liberaly. I guess the only redeaming point is that I know they have a right not to care about me either, and I try not to take it personally. I am highly contradictory to my own beliefs as I figure most people have the right to live without fear of pain or death in their day to day lives. But I’ve thought about killing people before, and one person will probably die if he and I ever cross paths again. He knows this, as does his family and friends. And I can’t think of a day when I haven’t threatened someone for some reason. It’s just the kind of person I am.
I run mostly on anger. I’ve learned to use it as a tool alomst. It helps me get through the day, helps me do what I need to, lets me live semi normally. Except that I’m always angry. Rage becomes an issue sometimes. There is always a part of me that wants to rage at everything, destroy eveything. I need to keep that part in check but it gets out sometimes. I always end up destroying something. Usually I can get away from people, confine myself till it passes, but sometimes I can’t, and sometimes people come to me. I can’t control it then. I try to warn them but it just comes out like growls and snarls. The rage part is really strong but it gets tired quickly. Once it does despair kicks in. I hate despair, but its the only temperment I have. If I push dispair, I can usually keep myself from hurting anyone else. It gets hard though. Both parts fight for dominance then, leaving me alternating between sobs and roars. They hate each other most of all. Rage hates despair’s weakness, despair hates rage’s destructiveness. It gets complicated for a while but the human body wasn’t meant to keep up that kind of stress. They both get tired eventually and fade. I can’t feel anything at all for a while then.
Part of me really hates people. All of them. All of you I guess (sorry). It or I would wipe every person off the planet given the option. Another parts loves them, or wants to be loved by them (I can’t really tell) and will sacrifice this body to save any one of them (or you) from harm. Then there is me, whatever I am now I suppose. Logic? Kinda. Fear? To some extent. Love? More than I want to admit. I wonder if I as I know myself to be is just a facade sometimes. A mask to hide everything else. I try to do good. Don’t ask me why, maybe because I have so much potential to do harm. I come from a manipulative family. I can talk to a person for a few minutes and know how to hurt them. Not just physically though I am very big and have many years of combat training and experience, but mentally and emotionally. I became very good at it. I love hording information, knowing what others don’t to keep on edge on the world. A curoius thing about hatred is as much as I hate everything else, I hate myself the most. But for some reason, if I can help out someone else I don’t hate myself as much. Despair turns it on me, I didn’t do it for them but for me. I never know who to listen to. I’m pretty damned one way or the other I suppose. As a logical creature with no feelings at all I know it only the result really matters here. As the reasoning behind everything is unknown even to me I can’t draw an accurate conclusion on anything. I guess its a pretty sorry state.
If you read this, thats fine. I’m not looking for advice or anything. I just wanted to rant, or maybe confess. I’m tired now so I’m going to go sleep badly. I hope I wake up stronger.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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