marriage help: If my in-laws don’t start showing me respect my marriage of just over a year will be ending. - Help.com

hi,dont throw away your marriage over your in laws!!!
have you told your hubby how they truly make you feel?
is your hubby a mummys boy?

I think you should sit down with your husband and tell him how this is making you feel.
Try not to make his folks out to be evil people, but tell him you can’t carry on like this.
you don’t want them in your house, either that or they keep their opinions to themselves while there.
you and your husband are the parents of the child, not his parents.
it’s not just your baby’s health that’s important here.

Don’t be afraid to stand up to them. They need to know they’re not in their house when they visit you.

I think you were overly sensitive on the breastfeeding thing and you probably offended your mother-in-law. Smokers never think there’s any harm in lighting up . . . if they did, they wouldn’t smoke.

I think you are looking for a fight. Here’s some sterling advice: don’t make an enemy out of your mother-in-law. You want her for an ally, not someone who’ll tell her son to divorce you the first time your marriage hits a snag.

And it will hit a snag sooner or later!

DON’T make an enemy out of your mother-in-law!

Chev. is right but I like to add a few things. First of all, your house is yours and whoever comes has to respect your house rules, whether they are in-laws or else. Second, your husband has to understand that he married you for a reason and not his parents, which means whatever rules you have or ways of living, the in-laws have to respect. They think their son never grew up and they don’t respect his life either, they still try to run his life for him. Mom has to realize his son now a grown-up man with a family and a child of his own. Your husband should tell his mom in a very nice way he wants her to show more respect because he loves you and you are his wife. Have you tried to be nice to his mom even when she was hurtful to you? Sometimes mother-in-laws get the message that way. I am not surprised of your husband’s attitude, his parents never let him grow up so he still thinks whatever they say is written in the Bible. Only friendly nice talk would achieve something. Being angry at them and be like them would just expand the bonding time you should have since you have a baby. They are missing out being grandparents and your child will resent the fact later on because of these selfish fights. One has to give in. Try it and see what happens. Let us know.

i agree, dont make an enemy.
You definately need her as an ally.
but i dont think you are trying to look for a fight. what would that gain you?
sit down and talk with your husband…but remember that you married HIM, not his parents.

your house, your rules.
your kids, your rules.
but that doesn’t mean you hate/disrespect the in-laws.

try to get your husband to see it that way.

good luck, and don’t give in.
for better for worse remember? x

Anon, I will tell you again: I think your mother-in-law was making a real effort, but you pushed her away. You refused her help. You didn’t even want her in the same room in which you were breast feeding. That’s kind of “over the top” for me. You are suffering from a sense of insecurity. You are, I deduce, so afraid that you’ll be judged and come up wanting that you are launching a “first strike” against your in-laws.

With the birth of your child, you have a perfect opportunity to reconnect with your in-laws. They do not sound like ogres, but people who were trying to help you–which you misinterpreted as “smothering.”

Why don’t you invite your in-laws over for dinner and try to act like a human being with them? You may find that you can like them, after all.

Let me leave you with a quote from Winston Churchill: “The only thing worse than fighting with allies is fighting without allies.”

I understand how you feel. And I think a lot of women have issues with their in-laws, even if it’s only that they’re very uncomfortable with them and feel like they don’t respect and accept them fully. I hear this a lot from my friends and my sisters. My husband’s parents can do no wrong in his eyes. It’s very difficult to make him understand some of the things they do (or in most cases, DON’T do) are unacceptable. I really don’t think your husband’s view toward his parents will ever match your view. I have been seriously hurt by my in-laws many times and my husband always makes an excuse for his parents. I think he simply buys what they’re selling–and they are always playing the victim. I just want you to know that I’m sending good energy your way. Please continue to value and love yourself despite how they treat you. Continue to stand up strong in defense of your children and how you want to raise them. It’s a huge job we have as mothers. They may never recognize how valuable you are to their son and your children, but that can’t be more powerful than your love and the strength of your little family!

my husband doesn’t want to talk about it… i’ve been trying for 2 days… he just won’t do it… he’s just being kind of stand-offish and kinda mean. it makes me feel like he wants me to leave since i told him i can’t take it anymore and he still refuses to talk about it.

ok, so maybe hubby isnt the way forward.
maybe you need to speak straight to the parents.
Tell them that you are sorry if you appear rude, but raising a child (especially if its your first) is a hugely personal experience.
Explain that you don’t hate them or their values, but are naturally protective over your new baby.
Mum-in-law will understand this, as she still seems to be this way with her adult son.

Maybe you could reach a compromise?
Let her know that you don’t feel comfortable breast-feeding in front of anybody yet, as its still a new and special time.
But that you will also relax a little on telling her what she can and cant do.
She must know what she’s doing with kids, as she raised one well enough that you married him.

So maybe try and clear the air?
For the kids if nothing else.

good luck.x

i agree with you 100%, jodie. the thing is, i’ve been down that road. i tried telling her i had attachment issues, especially with feeding & i was told that i was “wierd.” just to clarify, my daughter is now 20 months old (not breastfeeding) & i have a baby on the way. the breastfeeding thing was just an example of the extent of smothering i face when it comes to bonding with my child. something i’m sure to face again. i have this terrible feeling when i’m around my mother in law- i don’t want her near me. my heart literally begins to race and i can barely breathe. i hate for her to touch me. i mean, would you want someone who is so disrespectful and makes you feel so insignificant to touch you? i detested it when she would stand there while i was talking to my dr and rub/talk to my belly when i was pregnant with my daughter. The only reason i allowed her to come to the appt. was to be nice- so i can say i have tried to be nice in the past. we’ve talked about her concerns and how i hurt her feelings by not wanting her to touch me (i told her i have boundaries). i’ve made it clear that i think it’s rude for her to come up and take my child out of my arms without asking (she said she’d start asking) and that i don’t want my daughter getting used to being held at the dinner table (which she still tries to do in front of me). when people feed my daughter off their plates she gets it in her head that if she screams at you you’ll give her food, so the rule is that she has to eat off of the plate we give her & it’s uncomprehendable. it takes me days to undo a day of that. all i ask is that the parents’ rules not be broken in front of the parents b/c it eventually teaches the child that grandparents have the final say.

If you want your marriage to end, insist that he confront and castigate his parents over petty stuff. Most marriages hit a rough spot, sooner or later. It’s a foolish daughter-in-law who doesn’t cultivate good relations with her mother-in-law, because when you hit that rough spot, the mother-in-law can be an ally or she can be an adversary.

I’ve always treated my in-laws with respect, and never tried to pick a fight. You can call that idiotic if you want to, but I think it’s just plain good sense.

You’re certainly entitled to your opinion. But I think that your name-calling characterizes you as someone who enjoys a fight more than someone who enjoys reconciliation.

Franknsteinfeld, it’s been 23 years and you’re still fuming about the wedding? Let me tell you something else: think twice about getting that divorce. I’d say that you have been wronged, but I must also say that you don’t easily “let go” of things. Did you beat your husband over the head with this wedding thing over the last 23 years?

Think again about that divorce. Why not take a breather to just think about things. I’ll bet that you really love your husband, and that he really loves you, and that hostility and resentment have gotten between you. And which one has been carrying the most hostility and resentment?

Think!

Chev.jame you’re a frikin JERK! for saying that the woman WANTS to instigate ****!
u don’t know what u’re talking about! i completely agree with franknsteinfeld!!! i’ve bin married now for more than 2 years as well and my mother-in-law started hating me from the DAY i got married to her son! and hates me still! to the point where she has OPENLY declared for her son to leave me! and when he stands up for me, she starts MORE ****! AND who are you to JUDGE others..as to whether they WANT things to get ruined or not! I, for one, used to even FINANCIALLY support my mother-in-law EVEN BEFORE i got married to her son because i thought it would be NICE of me to help her out! but boy! was i wrong! now she OPENLY tells everyone i never did anything for her! talk about UNGRATEFULNESS!!
so i say F#!* the mother-in-law! if she’s like this, she ALWAYS will be! just stay good with ur hubby! BUT MAKE SURE he stands up for you! for that be POLITICALLY correct about everything! coz this is a sensitive issue! make him feel that YOU DO listen to him no matter what! but at the same time, make sure he listens to you as well!!!

ALSO i DONT think there’s anything wrong with the woman wanting PRIVACY while breastfeeding! why the hell did the frikin monster-in-law want to get a peek anyway! PERV!

Buy_sell_0, you seem to have a very argumentative nature. Are you sure YOU didn’t cast the first stone in your deteriorated relationship with your mother-in-law?

Besides being IGNORANT, i think you CANNOT read either! if you would have ACTUALLY read my post you would’ve seen that i F#!*in usta SUPPORT HER even FINANCIALLY so IF i was the person who wanted things to get ruined anyway, why in the world would i ever have done that to begin with! i’m not frikin dumb to just THROW my hard-earned money away like that! and THOUSANDS for that matter!

for a woman who tells her son to come sleep WITH HER in HER room the night of her son’s wedding, what else can be expected! then who continues to pester the wife every morning as to whether “something was done” the night before or not! then FURTHER goes on to threaten her that she STRICTLY TOLD her son NOT to do anything! you wouldn’t understand! coz i don’t think you’re even married! just passing judgements! if you have to go thru what some of us do, then lets c what YOU resort to! n the kinda things you are saying! my MONSTER-in-law has OPENLY declared even that she got her son married to me for THE PASSPORT! so that later on she could come here as well! nothing else! that’s why she didnt want us to have kids either! and when we told her we were expecting…she simply started CRYING! that why has her son CREATED this PROBLEM!

SO DON’T TELL PRESUME TO KNOW ME! BECAUSE YOU DON’T! YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE HELL I’VE BEEN THRU WITH HER! N AFTER ALL THAT, IF NOW I SEEM LIKE THE ARGUMENTATIVE TYPE, THEN I’M PROUD OV IT! THAT ATLEAST NOW I HAVE THE GUTS TO STAND UP TO SUCH A WOMAN!!!!

AS IF!!!

Hmmmm . . . perhaps you DID end up with a particularly difficult mother-in-law! Best of luck to you!