guy help: i need some advice please. - Help.com

Its clear that your mother is a selfish person, and unfortunate there is no way to save people like this. You tried to show her her mistakes and she wouldn’t here it, your obligation as a daughter ends there.

Going forward be happy that your now old enough to move away from her and that your brother will be old enough soon. Once the both of you move out, shun your mother until she comes to you too apologize.

My more constrictive advice would be to tell you to have a heart to heart with your mom. But you said you already tried that and that your mother was abusive to you in exchange. Unfortunately there is no way to reason with abusive people; for them to change they have to want to change, and its clear your mother doesn’t want to change.

Sorry to hear your problem. Us it to be a stronger person that way its not all a waist.

a_bandoned wrote:
thanks for the advice. the whole situation makes me want to cry….i just don’t understand how she can let him rip this family apart…

Not all people are good people, not all people are strong willed to do the right thing. Unfortunately your mom is one of those people.

I know its sad, but you shouldn’t let it make you cry. Let it make you stronger.

You should realize that most of the people we as a society call “great people” had a lot of adversity in their childhood. It’s the reason they became “great people” – because it was necessary for them to become stronger and self sufficient at a younger age then the rest of us.

Use this as your opportunity to be better then the rest of us.

I’m probably not the best person to chime in on this puppy, I haven’t had any ‘family’ contact since about 15 years of age. In a somewhat similar situation it became very clear to me that I wasn’t welcome with my family and decided to stake out my own claim. Years later looking back, it was the best decision I could have made. I have the most wonderful loving group of friends imaginable. It *is* possible to build a family, the family YOU choose. I’m much closer to these people than I ever was with my relatives.

With all of the negativity and hostility of my family from when I was younger… I realize now that I had started to limit myself by comparing myself to them. Over half the things I’ve been able to accomplish since leaving those people behind… I had never thought even remotely possible for me to accomplish. I had set a ceiling for myself, a limit on how much of a person I could be. Since being free of that situation, I’ve been able to do things I had always thought were ‘above’ or ‘beyond’ me. I’ve been able to realize that I *am* worth it.

From what I’ve seen from your other posts I think you have soooo much to look forward to. You have great things ahead of you, and while it hurts to be rejected by your family (I know this) sometimes it’s worth it… if your family doesn’t nurture and support you, then you are bigger than your family. Your potential is greater than theirs and it’s time for you to build your own family, one that nurtures, supports, and loves.

(P.S.) It’s not really an all or none situation, I think that you can sustain a close family bond with your brother if he is a good person. Just don’t let your mother hold you back. If she doesn’t actively seek to be a positive force in your life, then she doesn’t deserve you… that she gave birth to you and raised you, that was her choice. She made that choice before knowing who you were, thus the choice was made for her, and not for you. Now that you are growing into your own person, if she cannot support and love you… she doesn’t deserve you.

i hope you can find a way!
~J