life help: Well it was a good 42 years. - Help.com

That’s a pretty stupid plan. Sorry, but it is.

Divorce is not the end of the world, and even if it was, you’re not divorced yet. I understand she’s filed, but until the ink is dry on the final papers, you’re still not completely out of the picture.

Alcoholism is a serious problem, but it’s not the end of the world, either. There are treatment programs and medications that will help you take control of your drinking.

Suicide, however, is the end of the world. That’s it. No more chances, no more possibilities, no more opportunities to begin a new chapter. It’s just over, and no one will be able to do a **** thing about it.

Do you have children?

That is horrible. You need to learn to love yourself not kill yourself. Just because you lost you wife doesn’t mean you have nothing to live for. Do you have children, friends, other family.

ok. so be it. bye then.
p.s.
ur a coward! and wat a pity!

okei! wrote:
ok. so be it. bye then.
p.s.
ur a coward! and wat a pity!

Jeez… chilax.

You can live without her.

You’ve lived without her before.

Lots of other people live without her, too.

She is not essential to life.

She is not even essential to a happy life.

There are other paths, other people, other pleasures.

You can live WELL without her.

You can also live without alcohol.

I’ve never been to AA, but I have heard their mantra—one day at a time—and I know from experience that one day at a time you can get through anything.

You should also take one STEP at a time, rather than staying inert.

Joining AA is a good early step. Track-driving school is a good early step, too.

Take one step.

Then, when you are ready, take another.

Then another.

Soon you’ll be walking forward.

There are a lot of places to walk—if you die now, you’ll miss them all.

Please don’t die now, when there’s so much more to see and do.

Please!

daniellemusel wrote:

okei! wrote:
ok. so be it. bye then.
p.s.
ur a coward! and wat a pity!

Jeez… chilax.

lol! wat should i say/ tell - don’t do it? idk if it has any effect though.
so i did it in a brutally frank way and hope he wakes up!

I am not a coward, I am just in intense pain. And I do have kids. That makes it worse. But this woman with whom I gave over half my life to….has given up on me. She has condemned me to the disease of alcoholism. And now….even though I have been sober for some time now, She isnt even giving me the chance I need to straighten my life around. I love her very much. I always felt she was my soulmate. I love my kids too, but to see them would bring even more unbearable pain.

Your and alcoholic and you are looking to get a job in as a truck driver.

Believe me the world is not going to miss you, you’ll be doing us all a favor.

I am a recoving alcoholic. I have been sober for 30 days.

bigbillm wrote:
I am a recoving alcoholic. I have been sober for 30 days.

good start, but please dont get a job as a truck driver untill you realy kick the habit.

bigbillm wrote:
I am not a coward, I am just in intense pain. And I do have kids. That makes it worse. But this woman with whom I gave over half my life to….has given up on me. She has condemned me to the disease of alcoholism. And now….even though I have been sober for some time now, She isnt even giving me the chance I need to straighten my life around. I love her very much. I always felt she was my soulmate. I love my kids too, but to see them would bring even more unbearable pain.

killing urself is not the answer. u got kids and they need u. the more u should strive to get back on track because of them. forget ur wife, ur soulmate as u say. w/c i think she is not. if she doesn’t want to take u back. so be it. live goes on. people move on. w/ or w/o her life continues. just start again. start anew. u will be fine. but do ur part as well. never give up on life. never.

life goes on, i mean :p

Just because your wife has given up doesn’t mean you should. It means instead that you should see new paths in front of you, and a whole new phase of your life beginning.

You can do things she would’ve hated. You can go places she would never have gone. You can pizza in bed and leave the toilet seat up and let the darn leaks drip ’till you can’t stand it anymore.

You need to think about your kids. It may be painful for you to see them, but you can’t imagine the crushing pain you would cause them if you committed suicide.

This is what I dont understand. I am in recovery. She tells me that if I do this and this and that………and then I do all the things she asks of me, but in the end she still tells me to “f” off. I surely must have caused her a lot of pain. And…I dont think I can ever forgive myself for that. The kids are ok. She has asked for and will no doubt get full custody. My entire support structure for long term recovery is gone.

She says she just wants me to get well, but yet keeps throwing up roadblocks. I Dont understand it. I havent really lived a day since this happened over a month ago. I have just, existed. I cant really do this much longer. I just can’t. I dont want to die, but I cant live with this pain. It is unbearable.

you have to think about how guilty everyone around you would feel if you killed yourself. Your pain would all be gone but thiers would just be starting, your kids especially. Your wife still talks to you so maybe there is still a chance. Maybe if she sees you turn your life around then she will want ou back.

bigbillm wrote:
I am not a coward, I am just in intense pain. And I do have kids. That makes it worse. But this woman with whom I gave over half my life to….has given up on me. She has condemned me to the disease of alcoholism. And now….even though I have been sober for some time now, She isnt even giving me the chance I need to straighten my life around. I love her very much. I always felt she was my soulmate. I love my kids too, but to see them would bring even more unbearable pain.

Look, buddy, I don’t want to make you feel worse than you already do, but this thing about “SHE has condemned me to the disease of alcoholism” doesn’t fly. SHE did not make those choices, you did. Acknowledging your responsibility for your own choices is essential for someone who is trying to learn to make better choices.

Okei! may not have spoken very sensitively there, but he/she has a point about cowardice. It takes a whole lot more courage to take responsibility and work your way back on track than it does to go escape it all.

You can do it, though. You CAN.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/

see, many people cares! so just forget wife, move on.

Could you live with someone else, and still pursue your CDL? Family, friends—someone where you could save and still pursue a job/career? Maybe join a local union—the average age for that now is about 40, because they help you…health insurance, retirement, loans…

There are always options. I know I’m young in the scope of things, but still, I’ve experienced a lot of trials—and no one can tell you life isn’t hard, or your life isn’t hard, but it doesn’t mean it’s worth ending your life. Think about your wife and kids.

Sometimes, another person causes you so much pain that you simply have to say “Goodbye”. And people try to bargain their way out of it -”If you would just do what I’ve been asking you to do for 20 years, everything would be fine.” But, then it isn’t. It’s still not enough, it’s too late, and the feelings that kept the marriage going have fled. They may return in time, but if you’re dead, you won’t know.

Eithr way, you don’t want to put your kids through that kind of rejection. First, rejecting them by drinking, and then utterly, permanently rejecting them by killing yourself? Come on, you KNOW you can’t do that.

Don’t do it because of your kids, having a parent that killed themselves is a very poor prognostic sign.

Realy, when you do get your self back together find another line of work besides driving something.

bigbillm wrote:
This is what I dont understand. I am in recovery. She tells me that if I do this and this and that………and then I do all the things she asks of me, but in the end she still tells me to “f” off. I surely must have caused her a lot of pain. And…I dont think I can ever forgive myself for that. The kids are ok. She has asked for and will no doubt get full custody. My entire support structure for long term recovery is gone. She says she just wants me to get well, but yet keeps throwing up roadblocks. I Dont understand it. I havent really lived a day since this happened over a month ago. I have just, existed. I cant really do this much longer. I just can’t. I dont want to die, but I cant live with this pain. It is unbearable.

Again, babe, you are putting the responsibility on her—SHE changed her mind, SHE is throwing up roadblocks. It’s not about HER. It’s about YOU. You have to turn your life around FOR YOU, not because she told you that if you do this-and-that she will take you back. You’re putting it on her. It’s on YOU. Fix your life for YOU.

Finally, a month is a very short time. It took you many, many years to reach the low point that you arrived at, and you can’t expect to turn it around in a month. That’s why I am suggesting that you measure your progress day by day, moment by moment, good decision by good decision. You may not believe it now, but in a dozen years or so, you may look back on the day she left you as a very beneficial turning point in your life. Yes, really.

At 42, you have SO MUCH good life ahead of you!

But how do I face the day? I wake up every morning with this overwhelming feeling of despair. The only time I have peace is when I am sleeping. And even then, I sometimes get horrific nightmares. How I am going to make it thru the holidays? I dont have any strength right now.

BTW….I am not a truck driver now. I was only looking at that as a way to satisfy her request. When I ran it past her today, she shoved it right back in my face. She had given me hope for the past day and a half. I think maybe she enjoys the pain she is inflicting on me.

But how do I face the day? I wake up every morning with this overwhelming feeling of despair. The only time I have peace is when I am sleeping. And even then, I sometimes get horrific nightmares. How I am going to make it thru the holidays? I dont have any strength right now.

Get out of the house as often as you can. Adopt a dog or feed the pigeons everyday. Take up a hobby. Learn to paint or buy a camera or restore an old car. Find things that YOU want to do, and things that YOU will look forward to doing everyday.

Today, spend 15 minutes not thinking about her, or the mistakes of your past. Tomorrow, spend 20 minutes the same way. Find anything -anything whatsoever- to do that will take your mind off of her and off of your troubles. The next day, 25 minutes….

You can do this. Everyone here has lost someone they love, and everyone of us knows the heartache and pain it brings. But you can get through it, and you can move on.

The hell of it is, I dont want to forget her. I dont want to move on. I just want a chance to live with her. I need her. God forgive but I do. I really do need her.

Anonymous wrote:
But how do I face the day? I wake up every morning with this overwhelming feeling of despair. The only time I have peace is when I am sleeping. And even then, I sometimes get horrific nightmares. How I am going to make it thru the holidays? I dont have any strength right now.

BTW….I am not a truck driver now. I was only looking at that as a way to satisfy her request. When I ran it past her today, she shoved it right back in my face. She had given me hope for the past day and a half. I think maybe she enjoys the pain she is inflicting on me.

Maybe she is; you caused her pain and now she is getting back at you. You’ll have to accept that.

And you ought to think about something other then driving. Its good that you’ve been sober for a month, but addiction is something that can come back hard, you don’t want to relying on driving to make a living if it does.

bigbillm wrote:
The hell of it is, I dont want to forget her. I dont want to move on. I just want a chance to live with her. I need her. God forgive but I do. I really do need her.

Realy look over this sight.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/

it will teach you how to save your marrage.

Divorcebusters eh. Too much money. Remember…I am poor. That is another reason she is leaving.

Hey I looked at the site. They have articles you can read that don’t cost anything, they helped me.

Dragon_Lady’s ideas are good, her words wise.

None of us, I would bet, believes that what you are facing is EASY—I apologize if I sounded like I DID think that.

We have all had moments when we had to face our worst nightmares, and, yes, awakened up every day with that dread you talk about.

That’s why we are all able to say, “Do it one step at a time,” or “just don’t think about her for 15 minutes,” or, “just make one decision now.” We know that’s the way you heal—by littles, and not always in a straight line.

I very much doubt that your estranged wife enjoys the pain she is inflicting. This is probably just something that she knows that she HAS to do—for your sake, for her own sake, and for the sake of your children. “Toughlove” is called that not ONLY because it is tough on the received, but because it is tough on the doer.

I know that you don’t WANT to move on, and that you really believe that you “need” her, but, you know what my friend? Whether you are going to be with her is not for YOU to decide. She has already made that decision, and she made a decision that precludes your being together. At least once a day, I find myself telling someone on this site: You CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. You can’t FORCE them into loving you, you can’t THREATEN them (as in, with threats of suicide) into desiring your company, and you cannot BULLY them into doing your bidding. The only thing that YOU can control is YOU.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “But if I clean up my act and stay straight, she will want me again.” And the real answer to that is that she might, or she might not. You don’t call that shot. Not even SHE knows know how she will feel about you if you become sober and productive for, say, five years. Maybe she’ll want to live happily ever after with you, or maybe too much damage has been done. Maybe too much water has flowed under the bridge. The point is, THAT CAN’T be your motivation.

You’ve got to reclaim your life for your life’s sake. Perhaps for your children’s sake—do you want to see THEIR children? Do you want to dance at their weddings? Watch them graduate from college? THOSE are goals you can work toward. But you can’t work toward a goal that includes swaying someone else to your will.

What has happened, has happened. Don’t focus on the past. Focus on the future.

And those holidays you ask about? Well, if no one in your family invites you, then volunteer to go serve holiday dinners in a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Sing carols in a nursing home. Deliver presents at a children’s cancer hospital. I guarantee you will find a lot of fellowship, appreciation, and warmth in those places. It might even be an important first step on the road to self-forgiveness.

Blessings on you.

Anonymous wrote:
Divorcebusters eh. Too much money. Remember…I am poor. That is another reason she is leaving.

No money at all is needed. don’t use their counseling service, just use the website. There is a free message board service filled with people, some in the same situation as you, some who have already been through it. There are also many free articles to read. There is a wealth of “free” knowledge on the website.

While there are products for sale on the websight, the main tenant at work there is self help. The products are simply tools for you to use if you want to.

I would suggest going down to the book store and getting this one book:

http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Remedy-…

its less then the price of talking the family out to McDonalds and it’s a good guild for you to follow in saving your marriage. The $15 will be well worth it if it helps you.

bigbillm wrote:
The hell of it is, I dont want to forget her. I dont want to move on. I just want a chance to live with her. I need her. God forgive but I do. I really do need her.

then don’t. suit urself. duh!

Anonymous wrote:
Divorcebusters eh. Too much money. Remember…I am poor. That is another reason she is leaving.

You’re passing the buck again. She is not leaving (partly) because you are poor. She is leaving (partly) because you have been irresponsible about money. There is a difference.

I know lots of poor guys who have busted their butts providing for their families. They haven’t spend the rent money in bars. Their wives haven’t left them.

Step one: accountability. Don’t dodge the blame, and don’t distort the situation by making it HER fault. YOu’ve got to OWN up before you can CLEAN up.

Get it?

I never went to the bars. At most I spent 15.00 a week on my disease. I do accept what I did. And that pain will always haunt me. What I dont understand is the other side of this. The 2nd issue that she told me was the money and not getting a better job. Now…I have a plan that in 6 months will give us a huge windfall. A CDL is like a golden ticket. Truck Drivers make 50,000 to 70,000 a year. And at that point I will be 7 months into my sobriety as well. Our marriage could be stronger and better than ever. But she doesnt even want to try. And that pain…of knowing what I did, that pain is the thing that I can not shake. I know AA deals with that. But I really can’t live with myself knowing huw very much I hurt them.

15.00 a week? How much alcohol would that buy you?

what do you do now?

Im telling you get that book I linked to and read it. It will help you with the fact that she doenst want to try anymore.

Anonymous wrote:
I never went to the bars. At most I spent 15.00 a week on my disease. I do accept what I did. And that pain will always haunt me. What I dont understand is the other side of this. The 2nd issue that she told me was the money and not getting a better job. Now…I have a plan that in 6 months will give us a huge windfall. A CDL is like a golden ticket. Truck Drivers make 50,000 to 70,000 a year. And at that point I will be 7 months into my sobriety as well. Our marriage could be stronger and better than ever. But she doesnt even want to try. And that pain…of knowing what I did, that pain is the thing that I can not shake. I know AA deals with that. But I really can’t live with myself knowing huw very much I hurt them.

Don’t you see? She doesn’t have faith in what you are promising. You broke that faith. She can’t just pretend you didn’t. And, while you keep expressing the pain of guilt, you end up turning the responsibility right back to her. It doesn’t work that way. She has to work on her. You have to work on you.

I’m really, truly sad that you are having so much pain. I am also reallly, truly sad that you don’t seem to want to turn your attention to what it will take to turn this ship around. But maybe you need some time to think about what we have all been suggesting, and to let it sink in. I pray that it will.

Mas 1st wrote:
Has anyone noticed that this post is turning into a not-so-subtle advert????

LOL—I doubt that Da-11 gets royalties on the book, Mas1st. More likely, she was helped by it and has become a true believer. Right, Da-11? It worked for you, and you sense it would work for him if only he would take the time to read it.

And you could be right.

If you’re not a member of AA, then get your *** in there pronto!
Get yourself the support and learn to stop blaming others.
Stop making excuses. This is all part of the denial of addiction.
AA, I believe, promotes a support buddy, for when you are down. You can call them and they’ll talk you through the crisis.

they’re only a phone call away. It’s your decision.

theresape wrote:

Mas 1st wrote:
Has anyone noticed that this post is turning into a not-so-subtle advert????

LOL—I doubt that Da-11 gets royalties on the book, Mas1st. More likely, she was helped by it and has become a true believer. Right, Da-11? It worked for you, and you sense it would work for him if only he would take the time to read it.

And you could be right.

Something like that, but I am a guy :)

Anonymous wrote:
I never went to the bars. At most I spent 15.00 a week on my disease. I do accept what I did. And that pain will always haunt me. What I dont understand is the other side of this. The 2nd issue that she told me was the money and not getting a better job. Now…I have a plan that in 6 months will give us a huge windfall. A CDL is like a golden ticket. Truck Drivers make 50,000 to 70,000 a year. And at that point I will be 7 months into my sobriety as well. Our marriage could be stronger and better than ever. But she doesnt even want to try. And that pain…of knowing what I did, that pain is the thing that I can not shake. I know AA deals with that. But I really can’t live with myself knowing huw very much I hurt them.

That pain is nothing compared to the loss of a loved one. Everything takes time. It’s something that a lot of people don’t want to accept in a world of almost instant gratification. Have you considered who you plan to work for, or the current gas issues? It’s part of the reason I said, to consider the Union—any union.

No, see..the idea here is to make you better…not to make you disappear.

You’ve hit rock bottom, so it’s time to make the long hard climb. Not to slip between the cracks.

It takes a lot of courage and inner strength. You need to do this, and then show her. Not tell her you’re going to do it. She’s possibly been hearing that for years.

Well I tried it last night. But it didnt work, as I am still here today. But I know the mistake I made last night. Next time I attempt it, I will not make that error.

Well that makes 2 tries in a week. I am tired of talking. I am tired period. I am tired of trying. And….I am phyiscally, emotionally and spiritually drained. I have eaten anything in a week now. Since I have been on my own, I have only cooked one meal. The rest of the time, I have been grabbing food here and there on the go. I dont want to die, but I dont want to live like this…and I dont want to get better either. I earned this pain.

I meant…I HAVENT eaten anything in a week now. I should proofread my posts.

I have a ton of food in the house. I am at work now. I dont even have an appetite.

I used to eat a lot. I am overweight a bit. I used to love pizza, cheeseburgers. I even have one of those set it and forget it rotisseries. I used to love to cook.

No one is noticing. The life in a cube farm I suppose. I even drove the 45 miles to get to work today.

I couldnt eat for days after she left, due to the shock and despair of it, and the detox. Now in the past week as things have worsened and I gave up, I have been drinking again. So I am sure that my not eating is the results of the beer, sleeping pills, stress and sorrow and madness.

Yes.

at home

No my apt is very small. 2 rooms. It’s not really messy, just cluttered.

Well..yes I do want to fix things. But I can’t. My heart is very much broken and I think I am suffering from depression too.

About a week and a half ago.

Nope

I apologized profusely over and over again and again to her. She knows I have remorse, I have openly wept in front of her and over the phone.

I do go to AA meeting. Have since the 27th of Sept. My mother says the same thing about my wife. My wife told me she knows that alcoholism is a disease, and she knows I have depression. She states she cant live with me when I am like that. But she seems unbending in giving me anymore time to get well. As she is still pursuing the divorce.

Mas 1st wrote:
I’m not one to suggest that you try every conventional route but I will tell you one thing about AA. The people you meet there are either in the same boat as you or have managed to move on bit by bit. Forget all the stuff about the 12 steps - it isn’t all just about that. I think you should break this pattern just by going to one meeting and just listening. Have a coffee afterwards. I think you need to talk to people who understand wher your mind is at. You couldnt pick a better bunch than fellow alcoholics. The problem I think your wife has (it’s not actually a problem but) is that she has no idea what you are going through. she is viewing it as a weakness instead of possibly a form of illness

Whether your estranged wife views alcoholism as a weakness or an illness is probably not the point here; the point is that she is viewing it in terms of the toll it has taken on her, and the way it has changed all your lives for the worst. She needs to take care of herself, and she seems to know that. It is vital that she do that.

It is also vital that YOU do that. You have to STOP focusing on HER and start focusing on YOU.

Poster, I wish you success putting your life back together. Most of us have beloved people in our lives who have been through similar crises. We are all pulling for you, and many of us are praying for you. I don’t know anything about the 12 steps, having never been through any kind of program, so I just have my own home-grown advice, which I’ve tried to express above. To recapitulate:

1) accept responsibility.
2) work on your own issues and what you want from yourself, rather than what you want from someone else.
3) take one day at a time.
4) keep your hope alive.

Is it possible your wife has had enough, and is doing this to force your hand?

I’m sure she still loves you but her hearts been broken so much, she thinks this is the only way to fix it.

Fix yourself. Then fix your marriage.

theresape wrote:

Mas 1st wrote:
I’m not one to suggest that you try every conventional route but I will tell you one thing about AA. The people you meet there are either in the same boat as you or have managed to move on bit by bit. Forget all the stuff about the 12 steps - it isn’t all just about that. I think you should break this pattern just by going to one meeting and just listening. Have a coffee afterwards. I think you need to talk to people who understand wher your mind is at. You couldnt pick a better bunch than fellow alcoholics. The problem I think your wife has (it’s not actually a problem but) is that she has no idea what you are going through. she is viewing it as a weakness instead of possibly a form of illness

Whether your estranged wife views alcoholism as a weakness or an illness is probably not the point here; the point is that she is viewing it in terms of the toll it has taken on her, and the way it has changed all your lives for the worst. She needs to take care of herself, and she seems to know that. It is vital that she do that.It is also vital that YOU do that. You have to STOP focusing on HER and start focusing on YOU.Poster, I wish you success putting your life back together. Most of us have beloved people in our lives who have been through similar crises. We are all pulling for you, and many of us are praying for you. I don’t know anything about the 12 steps, having never been through any kind of program, so I just have my own home-grown advice, which I’ve tried to express above. To recapitulate: 1) accept responsibility.2) work on your own issues and what you want from yourself, rather than what you want from someone else. 3) take one day at a time.4) keep your hope alive.

Looking at these 4 things I know this much.

1. I have accepted the responsibility for this. That’s a big humongous part of my pain.

2. The only thing I want for myself, is my family back. And that is the one thing I cant get.

3. Taking one day at a time, is unbearable.

4. I have no hope.

cailean wrote:
Is it possible your wife has had enough, and is doing this to force your hand?I’m sure she still loves you but her hearts been broken so much, she thinks this is the only way to fix it.Fix yourself. Then fix your marriage.

I know her heart is broken. She doesnt want the marriage fixed. I know 2 things. First, she doesnt want me in her life. Secondly, I can’t live in any kind of peace or hope without her. I am so desperately sickened by all of this….As it stands next Thursday is the hearing date. I cant go to a divorce hearing and give up all that I love and all that I ever loved. I dont have the strength or the will to do that.

Anonymous wrote:

theresape wrote:

Mas 1st wrote:
I’m not one to suggest that you try every conventional route but I will tell you one thing about AA. The people you meet there are either in the same boat as you or have managed to move on bit by bit. Forget all the stuff about the 12 steps - it isn’t all just about that. I think you should break this pattern just by going to one meeting and just listening. Have a coffee afterwards. I think you need to talk to people who understand wher your mind is at. You couldnt pick a better bunch than fellow alcoholics. The problem I think your wife has (it’s not actually a problem but) is that she has no idea what you are going through. she is viewing it as a weakness instead of possibly a form of illness

Whether your estranged wife views alcoholism as a weakness or an illness is probably not the point here; the point is that she is viewing it in terms of the toll it has taken on her, and the way it has changed all your lives for the worst. She needs to take care of herself, and she seems to know that. It is vital that she do that.It is also vital that YOU do that. You have to STOP focusing on HER and start focusing on YOU.Poster, I wish you success putting your life back together. Most of us have beloved people in our lives who have been through similar crises. We are all pulling for you, and many of us are praying for you. I don’t know anything about the 12 steps, having never been through any kind of program, so I just have my own home-grown advice, which I’ve tried to express above. To recapitulate: 1) accept responsibility.2) work on your own issues and what you want from yourself, rather than what you want from someone else. 3) take one day at a time.4) keep your hope alive.

Looking at these 4 things I know this much.

1. I have accepted the responsibility for this. That’s a big humongous part of my pain.

2. The only thing I want for myself, is my family back. And that is the one thing I cant get.

3. Taking one day at a time, is unbearable.

4. I have no hope.

Well, I don’t know how to help you, then. You seemed determined to remain miserable.

You absolutely CAN come back form this, but no one else can do it for you. You have got to take those steps. Other people can help you, but you have got to help yourself first.

Perhaps you’ll come to a point of readiness soon. Again, my prayers are with you.

Anonymous wrote:

cailean wrote:
Is it possible your wife has had enough, and is doing this to force your hand?I’m sure she still loves you but her hearts been broken so much, she thinks this is the only way to fix it.Fix yourself. Then fix your marriage.

I know her heart is broken. She doesnt want the marriage fixed. I know 2 things. First, she doesnt want me in her life. Secondly, I can’t live in any kind of peace or hope without her. I am so desperately sickened by all of this….As it stands next Thursday is the hearing date. I cant go to a divorce hearing and give up all that I love and all that I ever loved. I dont have the strength or the will to do that.

Yes, you can. You are very sad, very frightened, but you CAN live without her, and you CAN go to that hearing and do what you have to do.

Do you have any divorced friends you can speak with? People who have been down that road, approached despair, and ultimately come to terms with life again? A neighbor, a brother, a co-worker? Do you have a therapist? A spiritual adviser? Someone who can support you through this?

I haven’t had a chance to read all of the posts but I I’ll try to help as best I can.

I think most people are suicidal at one point in their lives. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle in their lives. Yours happens to be very real and very scary. Alcoholism is hard enough to deal with let alone your wife leaviing you for it. She’s hurt, she hasn’t stopped loving you, she’s just hurt. She doesn’t understand what you need it for. A woman’s way of thinking is this: “He has me, he has this great life, why is he wasting it on alcohol?” When you drink, she’s feels like she’s not enough to make you happy. You need to tell her that if she wants her space you respect that but also tell her that you still love unconditionally and you’re trying to do the right things for both of you. Don’t tell her that you’re going to change, that will only frusterate her and make her skeptical. Just explain to her that she was all you ever needed and you didn’t realize it until losing her. Don’t expect her to just jump into your arms and forgive you. It takes time, a lot of time. She may even decide that she needs to move on instead but until then keep reassuring her that you love her and you’re doing everything you can to make things right. Once you have all your ducks in a row, take her out. Surprise her at her door will a handful of picked, not bought, flowers. (She’ll appreciate them more.) Go on a picnic, take a walk, hold hands, let her kow how much you need her, tell her how beautiful she looks. DOn’t just do it this one time, you need to do it all the time. Really appreciate her and tell her that you do. This can all be better, you have to want to do it, that’s the only catch. Good luck to you.

By the way, my dad was a truck driver for twenty three years. It’s fun, you get to travel, you also have to pay for your own gas and if you’re not an independent driver, companies take a huge percentage of your wages. If you are an independent driver, you have to find someone to haul for which is hard because companies give laods to their drivers first and if they don’t like you, then forget about getting a load at all. You’re never home and if this relationship is going to work, you need to spend time with her. Go to your local unemployment office. Do the homework, don’t look for the easiest way out. Nothing worth waiting for is easy.

Good luck to you!

Well, the best you can do it clean yourself up.
Work at it. Set a goal and be determined to reach it. Then set another goal and work at it.
Show her that you can turn your life around.
Tell her, after you’ve succeeded at these, how close you came to ending it all. Then you realised that you have to prove to her, as well as yourself, that you can change and become the man she once loved.
And, what about your kids? Do you not want them to have their father, one they can be proud of?
Ending it all is not a logical option.

I am not in a logical mind right now. I know that. All those things I so want to do for her and me. I want to get better I do. But…she isnt going to give me the time I need to do that. By the time I get better, we will be divorced.

And I know about the kids. But in truth, she will always have them. She will always love them, I know I do. But they have been getting along fine without me for over a month now.

The marriage is over, friend. Get used to it. Save what you have.

1. Have you ever thought that once you show you’ve changed and improved your life, she will take you back? Maybe the divorce will go through, but it’s not unknown for people to change so much that they actually get back together again. Why can’t you hold out hope for that?

2. Sure, the kids have been getting along fine without you for a month,….but for the rest of their lives?
Just how easy do you think it would be for a child to accept that their father took his own life?
They’ll be traumatized forever.

cailean wrote:
1. Have you ever thought that once you show you’ve changed and improved your life, she will take you back? Maybe the divorce will go through, but it’s not unknown for people to change so much that they actually get back together again. Why can’t you hold out hope for that?2. Sure, the kids have been getting along fine without you for a month,….but for the rest of their lives?Just how easy do you think it would be for a child to accept that their father took his own life?They’ll be traumatized forever.

In answer to your first part….I dont want to give myself false hope. I have already done that and when reality comes crashing back down, it is even more painful.

2. I am hoping that they will feel that I am in peace finally.

They will not feel that. You will hurt them every moment of every day for the rest of their lives. They will wake up from nightmares and flashbacks until they’re 100. They might not be able to form relationships. They might take to the bottle or drugs themselves. They will be ruined.

Instead of going oh-boo-hoo-poor-me-I-can’t-have-what-I-want, why don’t you think about THEM?

Look, you’re a very functional person or you would not even be able to keep up with this dialogue. Why not use all that functionality to function?

If it sounds like I am losing my patience, it’s because, guess what, I am. Maybe you just need someone to tell you: Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get back on the **** horse. You’re a man. Act like one.

your kids will not even think of that. We humans are very selfish. They will be devastated that they don’t have a father. They will constantly question your decision. They will even wonder if it was them that caused it…

“Mummy, was it my fault that Daddy killed himself? Didn’t he love me any more?”

Once the thought is there, it’s so hard to get rid of.

I’m so sorry to hit you hard like this, but you need to hear all the implications of your decision.

What about your family? Are your parents still around? Do you know how hard it is for a parent to bury their child? No matter what age they are.

theresape, I like the way you think!

I’m divorced, and I survived.

It’s your turn now.

Ditto, Cailean–I like the way you think! I do not lack sympathy, but there comes a time when we have to start acting like grown-ups. It’s his time.

Cruel to be kind….

We all suffer our trials and tribulations. The human body goes on, try killing yourself by holding your breath….

It’s in our nature to survive. Being sentient beings is sometimes a curse, as it allows us to think too much.

Tiny doubts and insecurities can be diagnosed to death in our minds, and actually become major, life-threatening events.

But, being sentient beings, we also have the ability to stop thinking that way, fix things, and move on with our lives.

cailean wrote:
I’m divorced, and I survived. It’s your turn now.

Do you initiate the divorce or was it your spouse?

she did.
everything was my fault…apparently.

cailean wrote:
she did.everything was my fault…apparently.

Did you have an attorney?

yes. it cost me $800. 5 years ago

I wont be able to get an attorney. It would cost me $1500.00. So I have no choice but to not contest it. She wants and will get full custody of the kids. I dont even know whe she lives. I havent even seen the kids since Sept 25!!!!!!!

Okay, so plead no contest.

Even if she gets full custody, as my ex did, you still have the right to see your kids.
The only way she could stop that is if she could prove you were a danger to yourself or the kids.

So, you see why I’m so intent on you cleaning up your act?

Yes I do. What really scares me….is I am not suicidal all the time. But this depression….scary business. I didnt come home from work yesterday with the intent to harm myself. It just came on, overwhelming me around 1000pm. Of course by that time I had drank 88 ounces of beer, and so I put the keys to my apartment and storage shed in an envelope and placed it in my mailbox, grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills and start to walk out into the country to find a place to die. I called my wife and told her goodbye. And bless her, she talked me down, AGAIN. I am such an f(%#ing idiot. I am also very ill.

She talked you down….

I still see affection there.

A couple of things you need to do for yourself.
Get the alcohol out of your reach.
Get the sleeping pills out of your reach.

You said you were in AA, right? Where is your support?

You need to do something to get the help you desperately need.

I am thinking of going to see a pshyciatrist asap.

Read this;

http://antimisandry.com/why-were-here…

Ok so things just got worse. I called and made an appt with her attorney for Monday. Then I called her work to tell her that, and when the receptionist put me hold to transfer my call, the receptionist got back on the line and told me, that she (my wife) doesnt want to talk to me anymore, and please dont call again.

She knows I am suicidal….now I dont know what to do.

Yes…however she didnt say she didnt want to talk to me at work. She said she didnt want to talk to me anymore. That means…..last night’s attempt was the straw that broke her back. I lost everything I had to live for in that moment of insanity. She is going to hold the kids over me. She was going to bring the kids down to my work tonight, but that’s off. I cant take time off from work to admait myself in for inpatient treatment. And that is what I need. So I am once again screwed by my own disease.

Don’t worry about last night … it’s not about last night, it’s about an overall pattern of being too much in her face, being too reliant on her, putting too much pressure on her to take care of you when you really have to take care of yourself.

You’ve got to leave her alone. Talk to her only through her lawyer for now.

You’ll have the opportunity to talk about visitation rights when you meet with her attorney.

No…I even have an EAP program. However….I cant miss time from work. I have to pay the bills. I could go on FMLA but that would be unpaid. I go probably go on short term disability if they cover mental illness, however they will use up the rest of my available timepool for the year, which is 20 hours. And..come Decemeber, I would be one snowstorm, one car breakdown or whatever away from loosing my job.

I so wanted to see the kids tonight. That was my hope for today.

bigbillm wrote:
No…I even have an EAP program. However….I cant miss time from work. I have to pay the bills. I could go on FMLA but that would be unpaid. I go probably go on short term disability if they cover mental illness, however they will use up the rest of my available timepool for the year, which is 20 hours. And..come Decemeber, I would be one snowstorm, one car breakdown or whatever away from loosing my job.

If you DON’T do something now, you might lose your job before December anyway. Might as well take the medical leave and get the help you need. If I have read your last 40 messages right, the situation is urgent right now.

bigbillm wrote:
I so wanted to see the kids tonight. That was my hope for today.

I’m sure that was very disappointing. You thought you were going to see them tonight, and now you can’t. But there’s always another day, as long as you keep yourself safe. Why not put all your focus on getting yourself well right now, so you can have a future relationship with them? I am confident that they love you and want to see you, but it will be better for them to see you when you are healthy, not when you are falling apart. Get better for them.

If I do this, I will miss the court hearing.

If I loose my job, I loose my car and then my apartment.

So far, it’s all “ifs”

You have to take charge. You have no guarantee your wife will never talk to you again, you’re assuming that.
Assumptions always get us into trouble.

Anonymous wrote:
I am thinking of going to see a pshyciatrist asap.

Yes! That’s the best idea you’ve had yet. Can you do that today?

I will need to find someone I can trust to manage my affairs. The STD check will get mailed to my home. I wont be home to pick it up. Also I will have to make the car payment etc. Also I would loose out on a ton of money from my second job. And there is still the issue of the court hearing. I want to go right now. I dont trust my judgement anymore. But this looks impossible.

Nothing’s impossible. You knew what needs to be done.
Why not call your wife tonight, and tell her what you’ve decided.
Ask her if she can look after your affairs while you do this.

She might surprise you.

Here’s the deal. Finacially I cant do it. I would loose a weeks pay and then Short Term Dis would only pay 80%. That coupled with the missed work week, not to mention that I would loose my part time income as well….I would come out of this homeless.

I would not have enough money to make my car payment, rent etc.

ok, so why don’t you go talk to a psychiatrist, tell him this, and see if there are other options?

You’re making a lot of excuses to not do what you know you need to.

That would be nice.

Car payments, rent…those are in the future. First, you have to make sure you have a future.

Actually that stuff is right now. I can go thru all the treatment in the world, but when I emerge from it homeless……then I would even be in a worse place.

No, you won’t.

Been there, done that, life is much better now. And yes, I was reduced to living in a cardboard box for awhile. Believe me, most of the people on this board have been in your shoes or similiar at least once.

So, tell Mas the largest city near you, and she can find people to help you.

Help is out there.

Chicago is 80 miles from me. I live in the boonies!

The boonies can be good. Smaller communities equal more support from neighbors and such.

Go to Chicago. Go to the hospital -any hospital. Tell them you are suicidal, and work it out from there. You can and will find solutions and start feeling better.

cailean wrote:
Nothing’s impossible. You knew what needs to be done.
Why not call your wife tonight, and tell her what you’ve decided.
Ask her if she can look after your affairs while you do this.

She might surprise you.

No, don’t call your wife to take care of your affairs. Call a friend, a parent, a sister, a brother, a cousin, your lawyer, your minister …. call your fourth-grade teacher if you don’t have anyone else. But PLEASE don’t put it back in your wife’s hands to take care of you.

Meanwhile, whatever health-care facility you approach, tell them about the upcoming hearing. They probably have experience dealing with such exigencies, and they may be able to make arrangements for someone to get you there.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Well I can’t admit myself. This isnt an excuse it is a matter of fact. If I do that, I will loose a week’s pay and then only get paid 80% of my paycheck. My first paycheck would be for 300 gross, and that’s not accounting for health insurance deductibles etc. I wouldnt really have a paycheck and my car payment is due on that date. I loose the car, I loose my job, and I loose my home. And with debts up the whazoo and a credit score in the 350ish range, I would recover financially as far as I can tell.

I am going to see a Doc about the depression. But I am going to have to fight off these suicidal thoughts on my own. Because if I tell the Doc that I have had those thoughts, he will put me in anyway.

Well my work is over for another day. I have no internet access at home. If I can make it thru the weekend, I will check in with you guys Monday.

Thanks for all of your help.