Love help: My friend was in a very abusive relationship. - Help.com

Can you print what you just wrote here, and send it to her. A physical piece of paper, not a text.

Let her know -really know- how much you care about her. Let her know that you understand how hurt she is, and that you love her anyway.

She’s very sensitive about her family. It’s VERY understandable. She has a brother with severe schizophrenia, and a younger sister who is starting to show signs. Her parents refuse to bring the brother to any sort of home, and he spends a lot of his time in bed just raving. That’s the reason I am trying very hard to get her into a different environment.

Yes; a hospital would be best. But being a friend, not a relative, that’s nearly impossible.

Any chance you have a cabin in the woods somewhere? A complete change of environment for a few weeks might really help.

All you should do is tell her that you are her friend and you’ll be there if she needs you. Stop trying to control her life and let her heal how ever she wants to. You maybe making it harder for her.Ask your self this why cant you let her deal with this the way she wants to. i gotta a question for you … are you a woman or a man?

I’m a guy. Here’s the thing. She isn’t dealing. She’s self-destructing. I haven’t been trying to control her at all. I’ve been very careful about expressing any opinions or judgements. I haven’t told her how I feel about how she’s dealing or her family or even about how I felt about him.

you have a motive…… you would like to be with her so her speedy recovery is important to you. if thats the case you are weak and need help yourself.

Wow. Ok. First of all, I’m gay and in a very secure relationship. My partner and I bought a house together. She is our mutual best friend. None of that stuff going on at all. By the way, maybe you should try reading the user agreement.

oh, what part did I miss the part where it say you cant say anything that might hurt somones feelings or point out the truth? If you are gayand all of that was truth i stand corrected. But why are you so controling twords her. she has a family and that where she is going.Back off of her

You are making judgements, not offering any advice. Like I said, I’m not controlling. She is my best friend, and I’m trying to help her deal. Maybe I want her to get into a support group so she can talk to other people experiencing similar problems, but I haven’t found one. I just am trying to find a way to let her deal with her grief that isn’t isolating herself at her home contemplating suicide in her dark room.

no, I gave you advice but its not what you wanted to hear so it mute to you. ADVICE agian leave her alone and let her heal the way and in the time SHE wants to. ADVICE agian Stop trying to control her! you are only interested in new ways to control her. You are a burden to her and she feels better away from you or she would not be moving away.

So you plan on taking care of her forever?

No. I’m not here to be her caregiver, but I want to try to be supportive. I just feel like she never gave living outside of her family’s home a chance. Also, the reason she’s moving is because SHE feels like she’s a burden to us. She has told us this. She said she doesn’t want us to feel like she’s bringing everyone down by just crying all the time around us.

I know this is upsetting to you but sometimes people don’t want to talk or be bothered they just want to reflect and heal. She will let you know what she wants from you and when. That’s the place of a friend…. to do what your friend wants as long as it legal and morally correct

that maybe the truth but would a reall friend that cared about you prob say you are driving me crazy leave me alone I dont wanna talk about this ? Or would they tell alittle white lie and say I dont wanna be a burden so I will just go home.

That’s a lot more constructive a way of putting it. I understand that, though. I think what you’re missing is that I don’t have a problem with her moving out. I’m trying to find a way that I *can* be pro-actively helpful, and no, I don’t want to overstep my boundaries.

She needs treatment. She needs treatment from a specialized place where she can be looked at 24/7. I don’t really think you can provide that!
Sure you can provide a shoulder for her to cry for a long time, but what good is that going to do if she cannot cure herself of the trauma her boyfriend inflicted on her? I seriously think that you can help her along in trying to show her what might help her the most. When the counselors did not tell her what she wanted to hear, and she left the treatment, that showed an unwillingness on her part not to want to get better. Self-pity for her is better than the cure that she might experience if she keeps on going to treatment. Some people are like that. They don’t want to hear when everybody is yelling at them and they don’t want to see when everybody is showing them what to see.

She does not want to impose on you but you also feel guilty if you leave alone. Am I right?

Yes. Exactly. I’m terrified of what might happen to her.

Does this girl come from a family with money?

Not especially. Why do you ask?

I thought maybe they could put her in a 24/7 hospital that would take care of her. Those are expensive.

But even then, the state could provide a place for her.

That boyfriend of hers who drove off the overpass and killed himself really did a number on her psyche. Did she have family problems before?

I don’t know if that’d be the solution. She’d feel like they were casting her out or something.

As for the other replies… I know she needs to grieve and do it on her own time at her own pace. The problem with going home is that they aren’t there to help her. They enable her to sit alone in her room all day. Her schizophrenic brother was allowed to basically rot until he became a raving, very ill person alone in his room.

Sounds like a wonderful family!

They’re very very very caring, loving people… don’t get me wrong. I just don’t think they believe that certain problems can be helped. It’s hard to explain the reasoning, but it’s there.

Or like, they think that the problems can be just sort of swept under the rug and that they’re not as bad as they are until it’s very very late.

I think she needs all the help she can get because her problems are going to get worse before they get better!

I know people like that. They like to sweep family problems under the rug until somebody ends up dead or in jail. Then they are all surprised when that happens.

Are you in the U.S.A?

It’s also hard because her younger sister is deteriorating in a very similar way, and they are currently going through that at home as well. It’s an unhealthy environment for someone who is going through what she’s going through.

Yes I’m in the USA.

Why don’t you have her contact her local Social Security Office. They can tell her where she can go for help or can get her in touch with a local hospital. But she has to be willing to do that. And, no they’re not going to cast her aside, they will help her. A lot has changed since the 50’s.

I understand what you want to do, and I think Genesis and Rodney are being severely unsympathetic. It is true that people need time alone to grieve for a loss, but if she’s blaming herself for that loss, all it will do over time is fester that guilt and become a burden pressing down on her. She needs a healthy environment in which to grieve, where she can get support from people who care. But you can’t force her. All you can do is convince her that you care and want to help, and try to get her to get help and perhaps move to a more friendly place.

Tell me what else you can do for this girl besides being there for her to be a shoulder to cry on?

Thank you, that’s exactly what i’m trying to do… it’s just a matter of figuring out a way to show it without being pushy or “controlling”. THere’s a big difference between trying to control someone’s life (which I’m not… that implies a feeling of ownership or a callous disregard for the fact that she’s a human being) and trying to pro-actively help someone who you care about a lot (which I’m trying to do).

As we don’t know her, we don’t know what you could say/do to convince her, but I would try just telling her what you have told us here. Maybe do as Dragon Lady suggested and print out this post and give it to her.

the man was messed up.
she was right in trying to break free.
any casualties from that are the person who died’s fault
tell her that, that is all i really got on that subject

yes, print this out

She has totally changed her tune about the man. It’s like she has forgotten how he was. In her mind, he’s almost a saint now.

You’re not being pushy. If you explain to her that you want to help her and she is somewhat intelligent, she will understand! But, you are not a trained professional in this type of mental illness (yes, it’s a mental illness that she has). All that pain and trauma that her boyfriend inflicted on her made her become mentally ill. It’s a lot of trauma to bear on her mind. Some people have a strong psyche others not so strong and others none at all. They become mentally ill after they become the receivers of that punishment. Sounds like this girl’s psyche was not even strong enough to bear a puppy dying and along came this boyfriend comitting suicide and basically laying that guilt at her feet. And she fell for it. She picked up that guilt and took it upon herself to be the bearer of it. Now, it’s going to take a long time before she can get rid of that guilt and it’s going to take someone professionally trained in such matters to let her know that it was not her fault.

Sure she thinks the man is a saint now. He’s dead! What else can she think? She’s going to feel more guilt if she sees him as he actually was when he was alive. Now that is what somebody must make her see. Somebody must make her see that it was not her fault that this man killed himself through no fault of her own.

Mas, that’s what I was trying to do by letting her have a room in my house. The problem is, her stuff is and was here, but she never came here. She slept on her couch at home and spent 100% of her time there. She basically stored her stuff here for a month, but never tried living here, and now she’s just moving her stuff back.

Oh, and her family was very against her moving out from the beginning.

How old is she?

25

She’s an adult! She can do as she wishes. As long as she can provide for herself, she can do whatever she wants! Her family can be against all the things she wants to do, but it’s really up to her! You have to try to guide her so she can get better in a controlled environment!

hence the helpless feelings. I feel like things are pretty dire at this point, hence the post on here.

It’s obvious you care for your friend and she is lucky to have you :)\

I would be honest with her, sit her down and talk to her, syaing basically all that you have said here. Tell her that you care and that you think moving in with her parents is a mistake. She will likely decide to anyway because I think she’ll have to find out on her own. I’d suggest that she tries it for a few weeks and tell her she is welcome back if things don’t work out.

I’d keep in touch with her and ask once a week if you can take her out for a coffee and catch up. Try and get her out if you can. Also I would buy her a journal and encourage her to write about her feelings. You can’t keep her from making bad choices, sadly, but you can be a supportive friend just as you have been doing. Bring her a cheery gerbera daisy when you see her, give her a hug, just continue on as the great friend you are.

I would print all these replies and show them to her! Tell her you have been looking for help for her everywhere.

We watch tons of bad movies and play videogames and all that stuff together when she is here. I wasn’t kidding when I said she’s a mutual best friend. Hmm… maybe not mutual? I dunno. We have always spent tons of time together.

I’m afraid of showing her this. I worry she might get horrifically offended that I’d talk about her without her knowing, in public… eaugh…

Mas, she has said many times she has no interest in ever being in another relationship. Ever. This guy was her one true love and that’s that…

Even though it’s pretty much anonymous. I don’t want to make her feel humiliated. I already feel bad that I accidentally stopped being anonymous only five posts in.

is it too late?

is that on MSN?

This may help http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/…

Anyway… ok. That link has a lot of good info. Thanks.

She came over today and we hung out and she helped paint my living room, and it was a lot of fun. I guess that’s what I need to do, just continue to be inviting and show support, and get her out of her house as often as possible, heh.

NOw your talkin’.Good. Also shes going to need lots of ongoing support so bringing her here will help too :)

TeacherGuy wrote:
Anyway… ok. That link has a lot of good info. Thanks.

She came over today and we hung out and she helped paint my living room, and it was a lot of fun. I guess that’s what I need to do, just continue to be inviting and show support, and get her out of her house as often as possible, heh.

Just got back online. Yes!!! That’s the thing to do. Like someone said, she thinks her dead ex is a saint now, and doesn’t want to hear anyone say anything else. She will need to grieve, and mourn just as if he really was the husband of the century, and she needs to be treated just like the widow of the husband of the century.

Love her, laugh with her, find things she can cope with and let her know that you are there for her.