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My husband is an unmotivated slacker, He has never been a good provider or serious in his career endevors.
He is a good husband in every other way. I work hard to support our family. He is a good father in every other way. I have tried everything to get him to be successful in work. I have been helpful, I have been mean.
What do I do? I need a solid 2nd income?
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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tell him to get off his @ss and get a job… there is no being nice about this.. either he helps out or he gets out…
It depends completely on what he’s good at. Tafe courses are a great way into a job. Caring for people with dissabilities is very casual hours if he wants to be a committed dad and it pays reasonably and those places are always looking. Of course, if its his work ethic that is a problem then maybe you should give him a mock wakeup call. You know, threatening to leave or something. Is there more detail you can shed on the situation?
i have tried the wake up call. I do agree that he has never found a career which he has a passion for. He returns tomarrow from a 30 day stint as an over the road truck driver. That job was my idea. he loves coffee, talk radio, and not having to deal with customers. He went to school to get his lisc to drive a truck. He has been gone 30 days for training. At the completion of training there is a road test. He flunked it today. I am not sure if he sub-conciously wanted to flunk it bc he misses our child/me/&home. Had he passed the test, he would have driven for this company for a year to gain the experience needed to get a locsl route. He would not have been home often.
Prior to that he was a stockbroker with a big prestigious firm. He did that for 4 years. After the market crash on 9/11 he lost his motivation, and did not do well, sales were poor.
Prior to that he had entry level jobs, fast food manager, resturant manager. he was 40 years old when i married him. he is now 52. He bacame a stockbroker with my help and networking after we got married. before I married him he was unconcerned with material gains or attainment of goals. I don’t think he has changed at all.
I do agree that he has never found a career which he has a passion for.
sometimes it doesnt matter that he doesnt like a certain job… life doesnt always work that way…
he needs to find a job and while working that job, bringing in money for the house… he can be looking for another one until he finds one that he likes… or interests him..
is there a law saying the man has to provide for your butt?
why dont you get another job and let the man slack and he can watch the kids
He hasn’t found his niche yet . . . except maybe for “house husband.” There are such things, you know. I have been one for about six months. But now I’ve finally been approved for my permanent resident visa, and can now work!
But back in the good ol’ USA, it’s “Depression II” and things are really going to h*e*l*l in a handbasket. There’s wholesale layoffs.
Suggestion . . . what about a franchise of some kind? There are 3,800 of them out there. He could perhaps even work from home, and still make a bundle.
Don’t think that he purposefully failed that road test. Maneuvering those big rigs isn’t funny!
This doesn’t sound to me like a man who isn’t at least trying. In fact, it takes a certain amount of guts for a guy to take up a lower income, “lower status” job when the successful career he did have failed.
I can understand the need for a second income and all that, but are you being honest with yourself here? Aren’t you asking for him to be “the perfect husband” and wanting the status for your own needs rather than his or the family’s? Maybe I’m wrong on that.
Why does he need to have a “meaningful” career so long as he’s working? You say yourself that you knew before you married him that career and aspirations were not priorities for him. Why do you want to change him now? There is room in this world for us all and if he’s a perfect house-husband then the obvious solution is for you to be the core earner (since career and status are more important to you) and for him to take on the role of looking after the family and working when he can.
Don’t condemn the poor man for failing his test! He tried! Imagine how disheartened he must feel. Adding to his feelings of failure really isn’t going to help him feel motivated!
sounds like you have expectations of him and how your family life should be that differ from his.
Maybe he just isn’t a goal orientated person and one who isn’t materialistic either. Should you fault him for that? I don’t think so.
There maybe alot of reasons why he isn’t motivated like you, maybe your importance in things isn’t what you have in common.
Can you support your husband emotionally even through his failings? It isn’t easy passing a road test. And it is recommended to have hours on the road with a certified driver before you take the road test because it is hard.
Maybe your husband is trying all the wrong things at your persuasion… stock broker
(with your help) Maybe he’s good at managerial and enjoys that. Don’t fault him for likeing and having different priorities than yours.
It’s good to have goals, but hun maybe he should be allowed to be his own person inside the marriage to explore his likes and dislikes and his dreams…
you want the lavish nicities of this world… there’s a saying ” IF IT’s GONNA BE, IT’s UP TO ME.”
What’s more important to you… money and things, isn’t the end all be all,
I know your frustrated, and I can understand that… but from where I stand looking in on the outside it looks like you are trying to control a situation you can’t, or control a person you shouldn’t be trying to control. Love him and let him know that.
Having your support is what matters to him the most and work on this together…
Hmmmm . . . looks like Canadian women are especially sensitive to the needs of their husbands! ;-)
my husband and i have been seperated more than once and are no longer married but we live to gether
he is not a very involved person and really doesn’t like to do anything but he has always been a good provider. i use to get really angry about it but now i know he is like my rock. when i need to throw a rope or need a anker he is there. it took him time to get use to the fact that i like to do things to. so when he is home i do things he likes to do and when he is at work i do what i like. it took us a lot of years and some mistakes. the best thing is knowning the person you are with and accepting them for them. if this something that you feel that you can not accept then you can try to talk with him which maybe you have already tried. if you can provide for yourself. then live by yourself for a while. maybe he will see that you are important to him. if you have children it can be difficult.
change is in your hands
I have the same problem with my husband. But, I’ve found when I post about it, people get really angry at ME. We don’t have kids, so it’s not like I can bring home the primary income while he watches the children. He has no ambition, goals, dreams…and I can’t instill that in him. I have to accept him how he is or move on. And I don’t really believe in moving on. I look forward to reading these posts to see what answers people have given you.
Well, I have found another job after being unemployed since May–when I left the USA for Canada! The job I found pays over twice what the last one did, and the last one paid very well. I can tell you that I did not like my wife having to pay for everything in the interim, though. It was very frustrating. And jobs are very hard to find. I got very discouraged during the search for a new job, but I never gave up. I sent out about 1,500 resumes before I got a “hit.” It’s tough out there–it really is. But the important thing is that I never gave up. Even though I was really discouraged, I’d think, “Now what else can I try?”
I think a lot of guys have given up, and women, too. You get deluged with bad news every time you turn on the television, or look at a newspaper. And the economy really is bad right now.
What irritates me is the fat cats who will profit by this huge recession–they will buy up real estate and stocks for a fraction of what they would have paid two years ago. They’ll come out of the recession richer than ever.
But for you women with male “house spouses,” I’d tell you to gently encourage them, to let them know you believe in them, and most importantly, HELP them with the job search . . . give them some new leads and new ideas. Help them to “network” by talking to your friends.
I don’t think any man WANTS to be a house spouse, but we sometimes just get discouraged.
I had to have mine leave after 3 years of being together. I have a son from a previous marriage. My husband worked only about 1/3 of the time we were together. That doesn’t count days the various businesses called off because of rain, etc. Plus he’d call in sick often.
He was happy being @ home, doing nothing.
But… he was very loving to my son & me. However, I believe he is the reason I have had nervous breakdowns & my doctors have applied for disability for me. He knew how worried I was about bills & money, but he was never the one who had to pay them or look for the $.
My credit score went from 800 to 550 since meeting.
We never have money to pay bills, always borrow for food & bills, and he’s happy as anything.
My parents and I bought this house - it’s in our names, not his. My parents pay for the mortgage, our taxes and electricity.
Amazing that he might still get a portion of this without having put in one cent.
Funny thing is, I don’t know if I’ll regret divorcing him, or regret getting back together.
I just don’t know.
It is interesting, Kelleroon, that it would be perfectly acceptable for a wife to stay home and look after the household and the children, but a man who does this is considered to be a bum. There is NO equivalent term applied to females; the “bum” moniker belongs to males only.
Nor would a judge be sympathetic to a man who wanted to divorce his wife because she wanted to be a homemaker, and not a career woman.
It is food for thought, is it not? Not to say your husband shouldn’t work, but I cannot help but note that in this day of “equality between the sexes,” things that are perfectly acceptable for women are still denied to men, e.g., to be the stay-at-home spouse and parent.
How about if you (the woman) gave $1400 per month, plus your mom & dad gave $1300+ per month (not including taxes, electricity, food), and your son provided (yes… MY 15-year-old SON gave $800 per month).
Nope. It’s not food for thought. Considering his ‘food’ cost $100 a day, not to mention his cigarettes, plus gifts to his hillbilly family. So that’s about $1000 per week.
I am NOT a homemaker. Nor, did his washing the dishes on occassion reconsile the difference. I’d have paid someone $40 a week to do what he did, then would have fired them for shoddy work. My family saved carefully and enjoyed life to the fullest. NOW WE ARE POOR.
Believe me, I know what you’re talking about. I abhored any woman who expected ALL from the man while they laid back watching Oprah.
Nope sweetness… we’re $300,000 in the dole & this man was still smiling.
Why? HIS NAME IS ON NO bill AND HE BENEFITS FROM EVERYTHING.
Example: My son wanted Ramen noodles today. 4 for $1.00. I couldn’t get it.
DO YOU GET IT?
Kelleroon–I can tell you from personal experience that there are some people who are just not “moved” by a financial crisis. I don’t know what it is: denial, stupidity or what. But they just don’t get it.
I also think men should work. They should especially work when there’s a financial crisis. They should not stop looking for work even if they are discouraged. Most of us do want to be the breadwinner; but every once in a while you get a guy who doesn’t care one way or the other.
Sounds like he’s a spender, as well. Am I correct?
Chev, the self righteous ‘insightful’ wisdom is currently failing. Time to take stock and spend some time listening before coming in at a tangent that hits the sore spots. I’m not criticizing you, just helping you to better shape your wisdom. A fool will continue to vomit foolishness, while a wise man will listen and ponder.
Jerry–and you consider THAT post a constructive one?
Notwithstanding the self-appointed judge of all things right and good two posts above, it’s important to look at everything, especially when you are considering divorce.
Yes, Kelleroon, it sounds like your husband is a slacker. Yes, he should be out working or seriously looking for a job.
My questions would be these: do you have any idea as to WHY he’s a slacker? Is his self-confidence low? Did something happen in his life to destroy his self-esteem? Did he ever get fired from a job? Did he ever feel that his “status” in the family was solely dependent upon his bringing home a paycheck? If he felt that way, he might have been accelerating what he felt was inevitable.
The normal state of affairs is for the husband to be the principal breadwinner. It’s been that way for hundreds of thousands of years. So, there are basically two explanations for a man not working (or looking for work): (1) he’s lazy and irresponsible, or (2) he doesn’t feel up to the task, usually because his ego took a real hit somewhere along the line.
These analyses won’t pay the bills, but they may offer you some insight into your husband’s behavior.
Lastly, is he a spender? Does he waste money on unneeded purchases? At the risk of sounding sexist, it is usually the woman who has problems with spending. Many men, however, put even the most profligate female spenders to shame.
I want you to know that I am completely sympathetic, because I’ve been where you are today, just on the opposite side of the coin. I know what it’s like to not receive any help from a spouse, but even worse, to have that spouse spending like there was no tomorrow.
But I just ask you to consider whether or not the marriage is salvageable. I ask you to consider whether or not there is some wound in his psyche that your husband has been nursing over the years.
A man who treats you and your children lovingly should not be thrown away until you have some real answers. That is the gist of what I have been saying.
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