death help: Life is a game of swings and roundabouts… - Help.com

Xeno Dragon wrote:
If you keep blaming your mistakes on which cosmic invisible friend you happen to believe in at any give time, you’re doomed to repeat them forever.

And what do you think I should do? My mistakes are my mistakes, no one elses, I am human and humans make mistakes.

Xeno Dragon wrote:
Well, religion hasn’t helped you as of yet, correct? Well, if you chose to, you can see this as your God giving you a choice. You can either find a way to get help with your self-harm, or you can keep asking him for help on something he wants you to do alone. Maybe that’ll convince you to stop PRAYING and get REAL help. Go to a professional to help with the self-harm.

‘Religion’ saved me. Before I became Christian upon meeting my husband, my life was upside down. I was severely depressed and suicidal, I was a dangerous self-harmer, I was unstable, unpredictable, traumatised, and very very bady damaged. I made an attempt on my husbands life, I was tired and confused permenantly. I would seek hatred and revenge on all. I had counselor after counselor, mental health worker after mental health worker and NOTHING worked.

The day I decided that I had had it, that I didn’t want to try anymore, I told ‘god’ that I didn’t want to do it my way anymore, I wanted to do it his. Two weeks later I met my husband, and we fell deeply in love. It was he who walked me into a church the first time, when we were looking at them for marriage (he was already christian but very understanding on my position). We went to our parish church, and couldn’t leave again.

Then about three weeks later I had an amazing experience in church that changed my life complete.y, I won’t go into it here because you will only judge, but the result of it was my healing. In nine months I went from suicidal crazy woman sobbing wreck in the corner, to strong, confident, happy, upright well rounded human with a few emotional difficulties. I stopped self-harming, the suicidal thoughts stopped, I stopped drowning in tears, I got myself a counselor who I got on with and just could tell anything without her even telling me anything in return. The change was DRAMATIC, it was AMAZING, everyone around me commented on how different I was becoming. How much I had changed and grown.

Eventually I realised that I felt the need to go into ministry myself, and I started education again in october for the first time in 7 years, as I’ve always been in DLA do to severe PTSD and mental disabilities.

Everything in my faith has been PERFECT, until last night.

Da⌐11 wrote:
So what did you do for those hours where you rejected your god?

I died, I inwardly died. My husband came home early from work because he was worried about me. He was right to be. The first thing I did after I had screamed at ‘god’ for not being there and for being a b****** and then come to the conclusion that he didn’t exist, was to start selfharming, because ‘I’ was in control and I WANTED to, just because I wanted to. I was free to decide to tear aprat my life.

My husband commented this afternoon that I had looked completely dead, I had no spark, no sparkle, just dead cold eyes and no warmth. Determination and confidence, but no love.

in those ten hours I reverted back completely., I changed back into the person I had been before God, and I enjoyied the idea of hurting people. Anger brought me pleasure. Hating the religion and the ‘god’ I had fallen in love with was wonderful. Turning away and slandering the religion i had once believed was great. It made me feel POWERFUL. I was in control!

except, clearly, I wasn’t.

Braad wrote:
god is a god of forgiveness. your faith will be tested, if you did things and are truly sorry, then pray and you will be forgave.

god loves you and wants you to be happy, even now!

Having my faith shattered like that..

I am ashamed. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel I have no right to be a vicar anymore. How can I stand up in church and preach on having faith in God when I failed to so spectacularly? the evil one pushed hard and he broke this stem, and the flower was looking like it was going to be stunning.

Da⌐11 wrote:

bramblejelly wrote:

Braad wrote:
god is a god of forgiveness. your faith will be tested, if you did things and are truly sorry, then pray and you will be forgave.

god loves you and wants you to be happy, even now!

Having my faith shattered like that..

I am ashamed. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel I have no right to be a vicar anymore. How can I stand up in church and preach on having faith in God when I failed to so spectacularly? the evil one pushed hard and he broke this stem, and the flower was looking like it was going to be stunning.

So your contention is that you as flesh and blood are suppose to be stronger then the evil one? And that because you aren’t stronger then he is than you are worthless as a person?

He’s the evil one for a reason sister because he is very powerful and very manipulative. In fact to think you could be more powerful than he is a bit narcissistic. Your shame means that you think you are more powerful then the evil one, but your not, not even close.

The question is what happened during those ten hours and how do you feel about the subject now? I assume that other than the shame you are you again; that the spark of life is in you once more?

It would seem to me that the evil one was making a last ditch effort to regain control of what was once his property before you made it official that you where not through confirmation. What ensued was a battle between it and you with gods help. Sure for a time he had the upper hand, once again he is very powerful, but in the end god and your self vested him and regained control of your sole.

You should not feel ashamed because of the battle; You should feel honored that god felt you worthy enough to not allow your sole to be taken, that he fought for you. You should feel proud that you where able to hold on to who you are instead of giving in to such evil power.

Struggle is not the sign of giving in; struggle is the sign of not giving up. That you feel ashamed, that you are struggling with your faith now, that you feel ill at what happened is only confirmation that you are not giving up god in your life and that you continue to fight for him even during the most darkest of times.

That is something to be held high, not something to despair upon. Continue to be gods servant get your conformation, show the evil one that no matter how many times he comes for you that you will not be broken from the path toward god. That is what god wants from you and that is why he will always be with you when the evil one decides to try again.

Don’t give up now after the battle has been won, that would simply be handing victory to the evil one. Stand up in defiance, put away the feelings of shame, and walk with god.

Thank you my friend, thank you dearly.

“I assume that other than the shame you are you again; that the spark of life is in you once more?”

Yes, the spark is there. I am there. I just feel that I let God down by turning Him away, but having read your response I am comforted.

Finding My Feet wrote:
Everyone messes up..God doesn’t expect perfection from us, he knows that we’ll mess up..
“your grace it shines on me” & “take me as you find me, all my fears & failures, fill my life again”
its whether we learn from our mistakes, & repent and ask for forgiveness that is important, if you’ve done that things will only get better.. I have messed up & often wonder how I can praise him.. yet he would rather we repent & praise him than ignore him because we feel unworthy.

Thank you for your kind and sensible words. I feel much more at ease.