Money help: Still not decided to sign for this site or not- but if I can leave an anonymous rant about my situation I may feel better! - Help.com

good post. I’ve had my drug problems as well and I know withdrawal is horrible.. but it’s worth it. I’ve been heroin free for almost two years

Thankyou friend and well done yourself! I was clean for about 4 months once and one detox nearly finshed me (they pressed on with it when I had bad flu!).
I’d never be tempted to return to those drugs as I have so much hate for them. The alchohol and Benzos are taking longer to get my head around… but like I say I’m no stranger to it- just fed up with it all and venting!

It just feels like your putting in SO much work y’know? Yet some people still basically ask me “well why dont you just stop taking it all tommorow?”… my honest reply is that it would probably kill me! (Benzodiazepine withdrawal= no fun at all!)

I just dream of the day I dont wake up in a drenching sweat (Liver problem adds to that I guess). So all you non-withdrawing people out there, ENJOY your mornings **** ya!

Ah well… at least I know why I’ve been feeling worse than usual…. and I’ve cut my Meth right down this month (from 70 - 40 or 45) and am down to 2 cans a day from 12!

I just wish I could work out how to hurt my Good ol’ Mum less! My main guilt lies there. Though I fear she is drinking too much wine herself now and is close to bursting.

Ahh well, today was an off day- roll on tommorow! I will just have to embroil myself in the world of TF2, Fallout 3 and Far Cry 2! (for all you gamers out there!)

the Question i ask myself is ,what if i took this sh*&^ and i got to be an addict which i was i guess with bloomen cigaretts which i gave up three years ago ,but i still call myself an addict cause all i need is a packet and im back were i was i guess. OK now Cold turky is what i call it get rid of all the SH*&^% and realy go clean not just halve way.Its all in your own mind .Just shows how sad an addiction can be.Feel sorry for your Mother…

good vibes winging your way….

Good luck on your journey. It will always be a rocky road, but you know that the direction is the right one.

x

***Three part post sorry! Rant time proper!***

Thankyou so much to all those with positive comments! Im so glad I’m finally getting there- it certainly has been a long, rocky journey!

All was going great here on ‘Help’… but as soon as someone tried to tell me “its all in [my] own mind” my blood started to boil. I apologise for the anger in this post as I am usually a calm, friendly person; but I feel some people needed to be educated beyond the ‘People do it ’cause they want to’ attitude. Youth Programmes in the UK like ‘Hollyoaks’ have recently hindered public awareness by Sugar coating it’s recent Heroin storyline, showing no insight into withdrawal at all. Again it was the case of the characters ‘just wanting a hit’… nothing about their physical need for the drug and the pure hell it causes.

Now this is precisely one of the wildly inaccurate views that enrages me. Your comparing addiction to ciggarettes against a 12-year battle against a number of dangerous substances is ridiculous.
Also I was talking about many events in the past. I have had my ‘wake up’ moment as I am already detoxing faster than my local ADAS team can keep up with! I have not taken a street drug in three and a half years! I am desperately guilty to my mother and I did mention there was more to things than I had posted.
I was having a bad day and (mistakenly?) decided to post here after googling ‘HELP!’

Let me analyse this statement of yours as, over the years, I’ve actually become quite aware of the physical states that occur when withdrawing and the Science behind them.
You say it is all in the mind; well let me touch briefly upon what happens to the mind during an opiate or similar detox. As well as producing natural Adrenaline the body produces a similar substance called ‘Noradrenaline’. This produces an alternate effect to regular Adrenaline and is usually produced by the body in its ‘fright or flight’ moments. When detoxing from opiates the body realises this substance has been supressed during drug use; it then goes into over-drive producing huge amounts Noradrenaline. This results in tremors and sweating, fear and paranioa, increase in heart-rate and brain temperature and most probably explains why I am trembling in anger while attempting to write this.
So we’ve concluded withdrawals do affect the mind, as you so wisely pointed out. Now perhaps you will allow me to enlighten you on how they affect the body. After long-term opiate use the body will also start to inhibit it’s production of Lactic acid, a substance most commonly associated with Muscle-tissue. Indeed when you run a race, approaching the finish, and your legs and muscles start to ache- this is the onset of Lactic acid. As soon as the body realises it’s going into withdrawal the Lactic acid process is fired up and again excess is produced. This causes mostly pain in the thighs and calves… but you cannot keep them still, even at night (they call this ‘chasing rabbits’). The build up of acid in the legs has actually been known to kill in extreme cases.
As I mentioned I am approaching the last leg of a ‘compounded detox’. This means I was (am) addicted to several different things and am attempting to withdraw from them all at once. Many would consider this foolish, but because of my experience with detoxes and the news of my Liver problem (the real reason I needed support) I felt I had little choice but to tackle them all. Surely you cannot doubt my commitment?
One of these substances is a Benzodiazepine anxiety/sleeping pill that I was initially prescribed to combat withdrawal symptoms back in 1999. I have been addicted to them on and off since and these are most probably the main cause of my Liver (and other) damage. Now saying being addicted to these is ‘all in the head’ is a BIG anger point for me. I do not want to take this medication, if I was to stop tommorow there is a chance I could go into fits, a coma or DIE… no matter how much I tried to get my head round it. Feel free to Wikipedia ‘Benzodiazepine withdrawal’ and educate yourself a little.
Just ‘getting rid of the shyt’ as you so wisely suggested would probably just end up with another trip to hospital- more stress for my dear Mum (whom i’ve now made up with). Im so glad you feel sorry for my mother (as do I) Barbyman… I shall try not to take that personally! Luckily she has a support network of a sort and sees other human beings regularly.

I wasn’t actually asking for advice on how to continue- just support along the way, maybe I didnt make that clear.
I can’t do any more (I’m pushing it as it is) and I cant do any less (I’ve yet to discover the full extent of my Liver damage and im scared).

Yes this ’shows how sad an addiction can be’ but not in the sense that I am delusional and could quit tommorow. I’m afraid that attitude is one that actually gets people into trouble in the first place. Indeed I can hear that dealer back from when I was 17 saying ‘You can give up whenever you want’…………

Hello again.

I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be going through. I’d like to thank you though, for taking time to highlight the realities of addiction and detox. I think that your experience and in-depth knowledge will be immensely valuable in helping others and I hope that you will consider giving that a go here when you feel up to it.

I guess the best I can offer by way of support is a virtual hug and one of my “cyber cuppas”. If it’s ok with you, I’d like to add you as a friend so that each time you log on, you know someone’s backing you on your journey. Even if she is a bit of an old goose…

That sounds lovely thankyou! :) I really didnt mean to come on here and rant (well, maybe at first!) and a Cyber Cuppa (TM?) is more than gratefully recieved right now! (1 sugar and milk pls!)

And again apologies for the tone of the post- as you can tell it is really only a response to one persons comment. I hope now I read it properly, I know how easily things can be mis-interpreted online.

It was also written early in the day, when alot of the processes I was talking about were taking place! I’m sorry to have deconstructed the reply like that and I regret any hostile tone. -I’m a soft, ex hippy at heart! Honest!

Still it’s an issue close to my heart. The attiutude that addicts should be left to help themselves and simply ‘clean up their act’ is a wide one. If only it was so easy!
Many of my old associates (but oh how I hated to associate with them) fell by the wayside. Some homeless, some lifeless. On the street there often really is no matter of choice, a detox in the cold and the dirt doesnt bear thinking about and the dangers and pressures out there are all too well known these days.

So I’m one of the lucky ones. I was homeless for a short while, when my Mother first tried the ‘tough love’ approach, but I am very rural and fled to the hills and trees. I didnt last long outside and I was taken in (if only by the local Hash dealer!) for a year or so. Thankfully, after seeing me plummeting downhill fast, she took me back in. It’s only now that I see her pain and think what could’ve been that I’ve developed such a deep hatred for the substances that ruined me.

I wouldnt expect any Son to put his Mother through the same, but I am so truly grateful and indebted to my Mum for doing so, as it saved me. I am forever in her debt and we have been a great team over the years.

I am MORE than happy to help anyone with addiction matters. I often preach to the younger skate-park-sprogs and they often listen as I’m known in a small town and used to Skateboard myself! I am honest and often blunt about the realities of hard drug abuse and often I’m shocked at their lack of knowledge as they are schocked at my experiences.
I had very little drug education in secondary school and was duped by a dealer telling me I could take Heroin for up to 6 months without addiction. This was 1997, I was 17 and HUGE Nirvana fan… all I knew was that my Idol used it; i didnt understand he was trapped by it. Four weeks later I wake up one college morning, very sweaty, confused and most likely late.
For a couple of days I thought I had a virus! I had not been using every day and had never even bought the drug, just been casually given lines to smoke here and there (I was petrified as these were my peers-peers). It didnt take me long to twig, and the proof was the illness melting away after a few lines. If I had stopped then it would have been hard, but so very much easier than it becomes.

As for current commitment I’ve got alot on my plate with other matters also being checked over in Hospital, so I can only hope to be of more use as I recover… And recover I shall!!!! But I shall look more round the site when I have the energy and time… I hope I can be of some help perhaps to someone.

Sorry for the lengthy posts! I’m a writer at heart!

Cuppa with milk and one sugar coming up. x

Mmmmm…. just how I like it, thanks Mumstheword!!!

Oh Mas 1st please dont think I was in anyway refering to your helpful words! I didnt want to name names but it was the rather hasty comments of Barbyman that incised me. I think it was the sentence “it’s all in your own mind”… I hate that attitude and it is a dangerous one as it’s not recognising the real dangers. Like I said Im really just a big, bearded softy!

Indeed you seem to have experiences comparitive to mine, which is comforting to know you made it out the other side! My benzo addiction was also almost forced on me, but by my doctor and with Nitrazepam (initially). Soon I was phoning the surgery asking for more every fortnight.
I cant even remember much of those times but now I’m battling Alprazolam (Xanax)… and worse still noone will give me a prescription (I’ve had too many) even though they can see Im serious this time. I’ve really made some sacrifices to get this far- mostly friendships.
I am petrified of the day a delivery doesnt arrive- I literally dont know what I’d do and as you know an immediate Benzo detox can be dangerous.

I’m very lucky with my ADAS councellor. I’ve been with them almost a decade now and have had real issues with certain Key-workers in the past.
Atm I have a gem, bless her, and she is one of the reasons for my breakthrough. Although I agree entirely that ADAS must be under-staffed and under-funded.

Luckily i am very rural, and although drug use is on the rise I dont think workers out here in the Forest are as pressured as City workers. The downside of being so rural and not driving is that there are no other agencies or any help at all in this area for me.
I’m not even actually relying on ADAS much atm… they provide my Methadone script, i get to see my darlin’ Key worker every couple of weeks…. i’m doing all the work myself. I’m lucky to live in a quiet cottage in the country- no temptation, no un-announced callers, hopefully no stress!

I know the hard part’s to come. I know withdrawals so well now and can just about tell what my body’s craving and when. I’ve hit a bit of a tricky point now- where I have to say ‘bye bye’ to alchohol…. but I know only too well not to rush things.

I’m still feeling BAD in the morning and late at night… but nothing will come close to the detox I was once forced to do during a bad dose of Flu which nearly finished me off (literally!). This also gave me a big fear of Detoxing and I’ve been pleasantly surprised this time as some parts of me actually feel better as i hammer my Liver less and less. I am still holding on 2 cans of 3.8% lager atm (yey me!) but am awaiting consultation of my Liver scan (which was covered in white spots).

In fact it’s the NHS in general im mad at right now as when i phoned, clearly quite worried wanting to discuss my results (almost a month after scan), the receptionist was totally non-plussed. She proceeded to give me an incorrect appointment, my arrival to which was greeted with much confusion. The very person i spoke to on the phone denied ever speaking to me (i know her voice well having been with the surgery all my life) and then offered me a routine appointment in December as the doctor was now on holiday! I had also just walked almost 2 miles at 8.30am feeling very ill!
I have some other, more personal health problems that I wanted to discuss with my own Doctor, so am waiting for an appointment with someone I know in case of any bad (worse) news.

Chances are i can discuss things in Hospital as I seem to have loads of appointments coming up (I didnt think there was THAT much wrong with me!)

Oh and that corner Mas 1st? I hate that bloody corner so much! I have been sniped down on turning it so many times I now use one of those fancy Spy-dentist-mirror type things to look round it!
There is no going back to street drugs for me… the only danger atm is to my liver and balancing the meds Im on. Possibly a teeny amount of danger from myself… im certainly not in my good-books!

Thanks for the words and even moreso for just being vaugely interested! I will know so much more after this consultation… My post may have a very different tone then.

Sorry for ranting, again!…. there is still so much I want to say as I just dont see anyone to talk to now! (sad, sad, sad I know…. but happier for it!)

Just letting you know I’m still around and armed with the teapot..

Whilst I can’t know what you’re going through on the detox side of things, I can empathise completely with the NHS inefficiency! How frustrating! I’ve learned to be pushy in a nice way and to do as much as possible by letter and email, including making appointments. I insist on them giving me an appointment card (as they are supposed to) and if there are tests to be done, I let them know when I’ll be ringing in to find out the results. It’s amazing what a difference emailing and notes can make. It’s often less a case of the receptionist simply being difficult (though that has happened in the past!) and more that, here at least, they are completely overwhelmed some days and lose track. Putting things in writing really helps us both as she has a permanent record and so do I. I even email the doctor now! He was a bit frosty about it at first, but now acknowledges that it DOES make his life easier. He now actively encourages the idea of patients emailing routine questions in advance. “I’m coming in on Friday to see you about …. and want your advice about….” gives him a chance to look up my notes, do any research he wants to do and means that my visit is quick, to the point and efficient.

Keep battling on. I wish you well for your next consultation and hospital visits and am keeping my fingers crossed and the teapot warm for you. Your story is truly inspiring.

Would it be ok with you if I link people to read this in the future? Sometimes we have young people on here who are thinking of dabbling in various drugs and want to know what the score is. I think that reading your posts would help them to understand the reality and would like to “bookmark” it for future use - but only if you don’t mind.

Fingers crossed that things turn out ok. Congratulations to you for holding on in there. I guess it must be a case of two paces forward, one step back even on a good day… but keep going in the right direction.

Backing you all the way.

Love mums x

Whew… 10 months ago! 10 unpleasant and I’m afraid rather rubbish months

And 10 months since my last cyber-cuppa (copyright,trademark)… any chance that kettle is still warm?

And please.. please, please, please! Feel free to use my ramblings anywhere if they could be of use to someone!

A brief update- I’ll pop back later to write properly as I am going through the normal morning routine of shakes, sweats and the rest.

Basically my (only) local drug agency has failed me awfully. They were pressed for cash as it was and my miracle-working councellor has been released with a number of staff.
They are now outsourcing to workers 20 miles away from other organisations who have no clue of my history. I’ve seen 3 different people in as many months, each giving me different instructions! Indeed when I asked for her to refer to my file she said ‘I cant read half of it anyway!’ with a chuckle as if I would share the amusement!!

Thankfully I still feel the same way about all illicit drugs other than Cannabis.
As I said before I’ve learned to hate those drugs through loss of wealth, health and 4 years of abstenance.

You can imagine my anger when I sat down in one interview (Over a mile walk and a £5 bus journey to reach- great on a detox! They used to do house-calls) and the lady asks me how much Heroin I’ve used that week.
“WHAT??!!!”
I have been providing clean urine samples for the past 4 years! She even mentioned later on in the meeting about cutting down my Heroin use even after I had explained to her with fervour how much I hated those drugs!

It didn’t help there being a very attractive trainee (who’s attendance was not negotiable) and having to describe sometimes embarrassing problems.

Then came the bomb-shell. I had been prescribed 40mg of diazepam a day which was a semi-result. Not enough to cover my Alprazolam use but meant I could take it right down. I was still shocked that they knew I needed extra, so basically were complicit with the fact I would still have to order some in.

But anyway.. Diazepam lasts MUCH longer than Alprazolam and other Benzodiazepine triaz-analogues, so that was a bonus. Much easier to detox from also if tailed off nicely.

Which is exactly what they haven’t done. Instead of lowering me by 2.5mg someone, somewhere made a massive mistake and they’ve dropped 25% of my dose!!! A whole 10mg tablet!! Not good…

At first i thought it was my mistake and suffered for a week (well- still suffering)- then I called them on it and they admitted they had ballsed it up properly. The Advice? ‘Try and even it out with your Alprazolam’. No dosage instructions (in the case of this councellor- no clue) just an ‘oops!’.

My problems with my anxiety and the fact that’s amplified by everything else (drinking is creeping back up) mean I find it hard to phone them in the day. I have, however, left several messages out of hours now and no callback….
In fact I’m finding it harder and harder to do anything. Im not sure how much is Detox and how much is depression but things that gave me pleasure (I’m very involved in the TF2 and other gaming communitys) are now almost a chore…

Wow…. Im burning up now.. rly hot… typing too long. Sweat dripping on keyboard. HOT!
Panting for breath… heart is racing… T-shirt is soaked through.

Time for meds- Ill come back to this….. Ok now Im getting cold.. V.cold…. ARGH!

Stay well all :)

Kettle is on… one cyber-cuppa coming up.

It’s good to hear from you again! Lord, you have been through the mill and back. What a nightmare. As if detoxing isn’t bad enough, you’ve had to contend with the idiosyncracies of bureaucratic numpties and people who clearly are either incompetent, untrained or on another planet… probably all three.

It sounds like this week has been awful. I am wondering if emailing them with the issue might help a bit? The trouble with phoning is that phone calls are rarely recorded in notes correctly… and they put the phone down and immediately deal with something else so what has been discussed goes on the back burner. Now obviously, you have to phone when it’s urgent. But I think backing up your calls with a brief email might kick some butt since it constitutes documentation! They can try and ignore it but sometimes a subtle “it’s all documented so are we going to get this sorted properly or is it going higher up?” is required.

Maybe something along these lines would help? : “Following my phone call on Thursday 24th Sept, I just want to clarify exactly what my medication and dosage should be. I was expecting *** mg of ABC but was prescribed ** mg of XYZ. I need to know exactly how to deal with the effects of this mix-up. I know you suggested trying to even it up with my Alp’ but can you put me in touch with a pharmacist or doctor who would be able to tell me the correct dosage instructions?”

At least emailing gets it off your chest and “feels” productive.

Darn it.. I just reread that and it sounds like I’m nagging now ‘cos I suggested the emailing thing before (though different situation back then). Just ignore me if it’s irrelevant.

Is your local pharmacist up-to-speed (’scuse the unintentional pun) with your detox so that he can help fight your corner/sort out mix-ups etc?

It doesn’t surprise me in the least that you’re feeling frustrated and lethargic. But keep hanging on in there. You are an amazing person to have come this far already. My hat off to you Sir!

Actually, there’s a thought. How presumptious of me! Is it Sir? Or Ma’am? :)

I’ll just put another brew on shall I? Whilst back-pedalling furiously just in case…

Aha! Silly me.

“Big, bearded softie..” Sir is probably ok then. Unless the meds are having significant hormonal side-effects…

Choccie biscuit with your tea?