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Depends on what you like. If you’re not sure, try a bunch of stuff.
I suppose part of the problem is that I’m so tired all the time. After work I feel exhausted and as soon as I get home that’s it, I’ll just veg out in front of the TV for a few hours and be in bed by 9pm!
On the flip side, my husband has all sorts of things he wants to do after work, gym, boxing club, computer course, learn to swim etc and none of them involve me.
So, yes, I’m jealous of that too.
Well, the more you exercise, the more stamina you have. If you want more energy, you’re probably going to have to start doing more.
Yes, I do expect that if I had more to do I would have more energy (although I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - which doesn’t help).
Well, even if you have that Syndrome, why don’t you go out to the gym or to the swim with your husband? Try to find your own rythm but don’t be so passive. At least you’ll have more time close to your husband too. If you stay like that, you may have to deal with some marriage problems down the line too. Support each other and talk to him about your feelings and worries.
I have asked my husband if I could teach him how to swim but he doesn’t want to go swimming with me until he knows how to do it. This has knocked my confidence I think. He is very fit and active and I’m not. I have tried talking to him about it but I think he struggles to see it from my point of view. We are battling anyway to keep things together and me feeling like this isn’t helping. I know I need to get my own life but it’s not easy.
Hey bex sorry you are sad, me too, the only way to get happyness back is to bring it back yourself, I have just started Jive lessons they are so much fun just me and the girls, I don’t have chronic fatigue sysndrome I am lazy so while your husband is boxing get yourself to Yoga or pilates or join both, swimming is good so is aqua aerobics none require a huge amount of energy, or you could call a friend and maybe go to the cinema or just go for a glass of wine just to get you out of the house, it takes a huge amount of effort to get yourself there but once you are there it is so worth it, once a week me and 2 of my friends take it in turns to cook dinner for each other, this get us out the house and we learn new recipies which I then cook for my boyfriend the next day
Hi Cakes, thanks for your reply. You’re right, it is hard to get out there and I know that I should. I don’t have many friends where we live now (as I relocated to be nearer to my mother who has MS and have spent most of my spare time with her) and I feel more like an inconvenience to others than anything.
If you join yoga or something you will slowely make new friends, I know how hard that can be I moved to Spain once and getting out and making friends scared me, especially with the language barrier is there anything new you always wanted to learn maybe you could look for local classes and make new friends there, sitting waiting for people to dcome to you never works you have to get out there and make it happen I’m afraid, I know thats the hardest part but surely it’s better than the alternative?
Well Bex, my feelings about this (even if from a distance) is that the main problem may be the way your husband is reacting to all of the circunstances. If have CFS that limits a bit your life in an active/passive way, and your mother has MS that is even more limiting, I guess. Your husband probably tries to get away from that “passiveness”, being contrary to his activeness, which doesn’t help a bit. Sorry if I’m not explaining my view the best way… You’re there for your mother but it seems he isn’t there for you, as he should. I can’t understand why he doesn’t want you to help him to learn how to swim(?!) Is it because your superior to him in something connected to a sport activity? That doesn’t feel right. Just thoughts… You should know better than me, naturally.
You have to communicate with him and try to see if this is a reason for him to be so active outside. But I also agree with Cakes, you also must have friends outside, with different perpectives, with new inputs.
You know when I read your reply Cakes I get this little buzz of excitment at the thought of all the classes/courses/groups I could join and things I could do, I guess the trick is to keep that feeling strong enough to actually go. After about 5 minutes I drift back into “it’s too hard, I can’t be bothered, I’m too tired!”
Bex wrote:
You know when I read your reply Cakes I get this little buzz of excitment at the thought of all the classes/courses/groups I could join and things I could do, I guess the trick is to keep that feeling strong enough to actually go. After about 5 minutes I drift back into “it’s too hard, I can’t be bothered, I’m too tired!”
Start acting in those 5 minutes then. If you start making commitments sooner, it will be harder for you to give up the though afterwards.
Capman wrote:
Well Bex, my feelings about this (even if from a distance) is that the main problem may be the way your husband is reacting to all of the circunstances. If have CFS that limits a bit your life in an active/passive way, and your mother has MS that is even more limiting, I guess. Your husband probably tries to get away from that “passiveness”, being contrary to his activeness, which doesn’t help a bit. Sorry if I’m not explaining my view the best way… You’re there for your mother but it seems he isn’t there for you, as he should. I can’t understand why he doesn’t want you to help him to learn how to swim(?!) Is it because your superior to him in something connected to a sport activity? That doesn’t feel right. Just thoughts… You should know better than me, naturally.You have to communicate with him and try to see if this is a reason for him to be so active outside. But I also agree with Cakes, you also must have friends outside, with different perpectives, with new inputs.
I understand your thinking. I do wish my husband would try to see things from my point of view, I even explained to him last night that even if he was to go swimming with me a couple of times (without me ‘teaching’ him anything) it would at least build up my confidence enough to go on my own, but he wasn’t willing to do that. I don’t know why. He and I have both been through a very tough time (the last 4 years in fact) and we both thought that all our uphappiness stemmed from that, however, that is now resolved and neither of us is better. He always feels better when he’s active so I know why he tries to keep busy, I just wish he’s include me in some of it.
I know exactly what you mean, I do exactly the same thing myself, for weeks now I have been wanting to join a Jazzercise class I get all excited, one day I even got my comfy clothes on then sat on the sofa and decided not to do it, last week I decided this is stupid I can do it and the hardest part was just getting in there, I had so much fun and I don’t know anyone yet as it was not local too me but I can’t wait to go back on Wednesday, maybe just try smal steps like right now get a local directory out or google classes in your area then let me know what there is that really interests you, then we can talk about actually booking, and just because it’s booked doesn’t mean you have to go, like me with my Jazzercise, you know what this year I have gone from doing nothing to joining Yoga, Jive and Jazzercies, my next thing I have been putting off is learning table decorations for weddings and parties etc and balloon arches,
Your husband is a completly different problem isn’t it, would he go mad if you just turnt up at one of his classes, thats what I would do !
Apart from cooking him a nice dinner and maybe suggesting something that he doesn’t already do that you could do together I’m not too great on relationship advice, how about a local community centre, do you have those or a gardening club or something o wine tasting clubs would be fun or see if he would like to go to yoga with you to see if you both like it
ummmm, start by looking for one thing u really want at the very moment and pursue it, and so on one thing at a time..? gl
Cakes;-) wrote:
Your husband is a completly different problem isn’t it, would he go mad if you just turnt up at one of his classes, thats what I would do !
I know why you’re telling this, but I don’t think that this would help. Of course, he would get mad, and that’s really sad. He should be the 1st one to support you, and he’s doing things the wrong way! This goes way inside your relationship Bex, and it’s harder for me to give you any kind of advice without knowing you or your husband better. If he feels better when doing active things, why doesn’t he understands that if too have the need for that? Sorry to say, but I feel that that doesn’t show love towards you. Maybe you need to get to the basics in your relationship, and ask him how he feels about your marriage, your CFS condition, your needs, etc. If you get better in this part of your life, you’ll also feel better in other parts of life too. You will get more confidence and will go and do other things outside, things that you now resist to do.
Capman wrote:
Maybe you need to get to the basics in your relationship, and ask him how he feels about your marriage, your CFS condition, your needs, etc. If you get better in this part of your life, you’ll also feel better in other parts of life too. You will get more confidence and will go and do other things outside, things that you now resist to do.
I have tried talking to him about this countless times. I agree with what you are saying and know that things would be better all round if I felt more support from him. I think him being a pain is his way of trying to encourage me. He has suggested we join the gym together but he’s so into it I would just look pathetic next to him.
To reply to Cakes bit I would quite like to do aqua aerobics and there is a girl at work who use to do it, not sure if she still goes, but I could ask her I guess. I would also like to do a ‘get interested in cooking’ course, I hate cooking and I’m not good at it (although I can follow a receipe). I also suggested that my husband and I joined a ten pin bowling team but that never happened.
Bex invited 44 users to read this post 1 year ago.
I don’t know how difficult it is for him to listen to you when you tell him these things. It is sad when you live in the same house when you could not even talk to him about things important to you. Have you tried writing him a letter? Just talk about your feelings. No blaming involved.
If he has just suggested you’d go to gym together do you tell him to slow down a bit of those machines and make it enjoyable for both of you?
Here is what I would do, ask your collegue about the aqua, if she still goes say to her oh I might like to try it, ask her when and where, then I would get on the internet to find out about those cooking courses, what was your husbands initial reaction to the bowling team? If it was a bit positive I would look into it so that when he comes home you can say this looks interesting it’s at this place at this time, cost this much, please (smile batt eyelids) can we try it, it would make me really happy, explain to him you would both only be trying it and if he didn’t enjoy it then you wouldn’t make him return. If he says no then I would approach the subject of why he won’t do anything with you especially when you are trying so hard and just want his support and thats what he agreed to do when he married you
Hello Bex
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling down.
I haven’t had a chance to read all of the replies, so forgive me if this has already been said.
It sounds to me like your work/life balance is out of synch. You need to adjust it as best you can to allow a little more “me” time when you can relax and recover.
It’s not easy when you have set working hours, but one thing you could try is looking at your time management at work to see if you can achieve things more efficiently and with less stress. Sometimes, just “rescuing” half an hour recovery time in the middle of the day is enough to keep you in balance.
I’ve just been looking at courses availabe in my area, and slowly my enthusiasm is fading. The courses are all pretty expensive for what you’d get. I’ve looked at ‘cooking for friends’, ‘flower arranging’ ‘career coaching’ they are all 10 weeks and a bit basic I think.
Mumstheword - I think my problem is more the opposite of what you’ve said, I’m so bored at work and have too much ‘just me’ time. I’m lonely and would probably benefit from finding things to do with other people.
Hmm. Well, in that case here are a couple of things you could try:
Become a volunteer. Help out at an adult literacy class (and maybe benefit from staff reductions on other classes that way!). Or find an ecology group and pile in helping to clear and regenerate wasteland areas. Offer to do some hospital visiting or even ask at the sports centre if they need a hand at their disability sessions.
Get down to the library and look for a book club. Or check out the local theatre group - even if you’re not into acting, there is always set design, costume and production…
Look for local history groups, gardening clubs.. whatever takes your fancy. You don’t have to pay much to join usually and you get to make friends and learn from others.
Take the plunge and make yourself the office “social manager”. Fix up a bowling competition, a pub quiz, a secret santa, a pantomime trip or a visit to a gallery… sometimes all it takes is for one person to put a simple notice on the noticeboard for the floodgates of fun and friendship to open. You might be surprised how many people are feeling the same way as you.
Bex did you ask your collegue about the aqua aerobics? and looked into the tenpin bowling? Flower arranging would be good and worth the money if you could then make a career of it wow the prices people charge for wedding flowers, we could then team up after I have done my decorating and balloon course! Become wedding planners!
mumstheword wrote:
Take the plunge and make yourself the office “social manager”. Fix up a bowling competition, a pub quiz, a secret santa, a pantomime trip or a visit to a gallery… sometimes all it takes is for one person to put a simple notice on the noticeboard for the floodgates of fun and friendship to open. You might be surprised how many people are feeling the same way as you.
Funny you should say that, I’ve just sent around an email today about secret santa (which I organise). I did arranged a bowling trip and a meal not too long ago for my work group but they are hard to arrange as they all have so many other things going on outside of work (kids mainly).
Cakes;-) wrote:
Bex did you ask your collegue about the aqua aerobics? and looked into the tenpin bowling? Flower arranging would be good and worth the money if you could then make a career of it wow the prices people charge for wedding flowers, we could then team up after I have done my decorating and balloon course! Become wedding planners!
I’ll go ask her now, she’s been in a meeting.
At our workplace, one of the office girls organised a regular lunchtime walk. Did us all a power of good, got us giggling like schoolgirls going past building sites, kept us a little fitter and helped us all to face the afternoon with a bit more oomph.
Might be something to try!
That sounds like such a brilliant idea Mumstheword, we all sit here all lunch going we should go out a lunch and never doing anything about it. I’m throwing in the suggestion it would really clear your head for the afternoon
Ok, I am now going to aqua aerobics on Wednesdays with my equally unfit friend from work. Now I have to buy a swimsuit! I might join the ‘cooking for friends’ class on Thursdays, which starts in January. Thanks guys!
YaaY how exciting, let me know how it all goes. X
sounds good bex! Bagsie first taste of cooking club products…
Thanks guys!! It is not easy trying to find a swimsuit at this time of year!
Oh yeah, try a sport shop, speedo do nice ones
Department store… tell them you’re off on a luxury world cruise and they’ll fall over themselves to help you!
Thanks ladies, swimsuit now ordered and on it’s way! Hopefully the more I get out of the house the more I’ll want to do.
Not sure if I should still be mad at my husband or not. He’d better be nice to me tonight (for his sake).
wear your new swimsuit for him.. tell him the lifeguard is rather dishy…
he’ll be there like a shot!
Fingers crossed the lifeguard is dishy! There needs to be something to keep me occupied while i’m doing star jumps in the water.
heheh hope you have lots of fun, don’t be mad at him yet run the ten pin bowling past him again first.
Hi Bex…it looks like you are finding some cool ideas…the energy thing happens to a lot of us and getting out of the house is a great idea. I like the cooking idea:)
hey bex, it’s good to see that you’re finding and considering some helpful suggestions. just a little reflection on me for a moment; i remember when i first started my career at my current job about 2 years ago. it was like a whole new experience for me and i looked forward to every day i was present. time marched on and i felt like i was trapped in this repetitive cycle which became dull. the salary wasn’t going to carry me very far either, so i came to the conclusion i need somthing more. i’ve been neglecting college for 4 years now, and i finally realized if i’m going to achieve success, then i need to attend. so i enrolled in school and it has been enlightening to say the least. i enjoy it and encourage the challenge from my instructors.
i hope you obtain that special routine that fulfills every dull moment. please keep us updated, as we all hope the best for you bex:)
Go river rafting, hike montain, dance the babaloo on a trampaline in the middle of the ocean.
Don’t ask about the last one, Just consider it apart of the insane person disease.
First you have to decide what you think would be fun to do, then, do it. simple as that.
A spa would go nicely with your new suit:) It was a Chinese cooking class I took so I could learn how to cut and prepare like they do….remember knives are for chopping food only…lol.
A spa sounds great! Perhaps that could be my xmas idea to my husband.
For him to give to me, of course.
Just got your invite, been out for a bit.
Sounds like managing your energy levels is the number one thing.
Hope your feeling better.
Just a little update. My swimsuit arrived today (this is the first one i’ve owned in about 15 years), it’s definately a size too small but it looks much better on that I thought it would so I’m going to keep it. I’m sure it’ll stretch a little after being worn a few times anyway (and I can breath in it so that’s always a bonus). Now I just need to get my butt into a swimming pool. I am going to aqua aerobics with the girl from work next Wednesday, if I haven’t chickened out by then. I’ve asked her to kick my butt there if she has to (and I’ll do the same for her if she’s de-motivated).
YaaY, good to hear let me know how the aqua goes, I will also check in and try give you a little motivation kick if I am around on Wednesday
Actually I’m thinking I might suggest to my husband that we go for a little swim tonight. He doesn’t know about aqua or that I have a swimsuit so it would be a surprise for him. Just hope he says yes!
YaaY me too, let me know how that goes
Well, I managed to talk my husband into going swimming last night, which wasn’t easy as he really wasn’t in the mood and didn’t want to go, but eventually he caved and we went. It was fun until I went to climb out of the pool and got a seriously bad cramp in my leg. It still hurts today, it was horrible. But I wont let that put me off. My swimsuit is worn in now so I should keep going. Aqua next week. I’m tired out but feeling happier. Thanks all!
Oh I am so pleased, sorry about the cramp how rubbish, I am jelous I used to love Aqua aerobics but our local pool is closed at the moment, get as much rest as possible over the weekend and hopefully you will have some energy back for Wednesday
Thanks cakes! You’ve been a real sweetie!
Hmm, Bex… Swimsuit… *goes to get some tissues*
Cool Bexy:) It’s like volleyball…keep it in the air…lol. Just a thought, but it may be time for a new post, leave this one on a high note! hmmmm too many thoughts…lol. Have fun:)
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