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i am at a lost with my relationship.
i love my husband dearly, he is my best friend. we’ve been a couple for 8 years, married the last 4. things are really good when they are good, but there is this cycle of behavior that continues throughout our relationship and its escalating to the point where i am barely hanging on.
the cycle is that he gets feeling down, like depressed, and does whatever-without regard for anyone else-whatever to make himself feel better. occassionally he will buy himself something expensive. usually he will go out drinking with his friends. he doesnt return my call when he is out. he comes home later than he said he would. this leads to disagreements between us. so instead of being upfront about it he started lieing about going out, only confessing the truth when being confronted with evidence.
this is a cycle that has continuted throughout our relationship. we work it out, i forgive, he promises, some time passes by and it happens again.
recently we’ve had a lot of trouble. i lost my dad this year and my brothers deployed. plus my job sucks. he is more withdrawn and emotionally detached. all things combined has left me feeling hopeless and devasted.
i, being lied to and feeling insecure, went through his phone and found texts were he is asking his employees to get him ‘powder and v’. i am devastated that he is using drugs. (and lieing about it)
he is confiding in his friends that our marriage is the source for his depression. but the marriage problems occur after him feeling down and his subsequent self destructive behavior.
he has a history of mental illness in his immediate family. he has an uncle who i believe suffered from depression and just ruined the lives of those around him-especially his wife’s-and she just accepted it. i dont want to be like that but i love him so much.
i dont want to confront him with the evidence of text messages about the drugs and lose my ’source’.
i dont know what to do.
he has agreed to see a counseller, he has had two sessions and i went once. the feedback that the counseller gave me made me feel like he is not being honest with her. he definately did not tell her about the drug use or drinking….which had become an almost daily occurance whether it be at home by himself or when he is out with friends (the drinking).
the counseller sent him to a family dr for depression medication. it seems to have helped a lot even through it has only been about a week and a half. he is not drinking (except for when he went out for monday night football last night and it was in moderation). but i dont know about the drugs-the last texts i found were on nov 1. these are on his work phone, he is deleting them from his personal phone. this is a cause for alarm for me. why is he taking the time to delete? what is he hiding?
I have asked him to be honest with me so that we can start fresh but he says nothing of the drugs.
he says there has never been other girls but how can take his word?
i know that repairing this comes down to trusting and believing him. my friend tells me to stop hunting and be happy in the moment and let the counselling work its way out. but what if he is lieing? what if he has a drug problem? what if he loses his job due to him buying drugs from his subordinates? i guess my finding texts about it doesn solve any of this but i feel like i need all the information to make an informed decision about things.
the fact that my advice to someone else would be that the minute you have such a lack of trust that you go through someone’s phone you end the relationship. its broken.
but i dont want to end it. i want him to go back to who he was when we met and be the guy he is in between the down points.
this sucks.
help!
This open post was written 1 year ago | V/U/S: 165, 3, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Subscribe to Replies | Report Post
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