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You can’t really help him if he won’t let you. This isn’t your fault, it is likely that it has nothing to do with you personally. You can tell a trusted person what’s going on but don’t spread it around. If he is being open with you about it he must really trust you.
its not your fault, try and get him to talk about the long term effects. He will most likely regret cutting when he is in his 20’s
It isn’t your fault. People who cut are usually going through a lot of emotional distress probably due to bad things happening. One of the best things that you can do, is try and be supportive. Talk to your friend and comfort him by letting him know that you are there for him. You don’t have to be there for him 24/7; he has to be able to take care of himself and he won’t learn anything if you are there for him all the time.
Number 1 rule: take care of yourself. When trying to help depressed people, it can be very hard and emotionally draining on the person helping as well.
elysium wrote:
It isn’t your fault. People who cut are usually going through a lot of emotional distress probably due to bad things happening. One of the best things that you can do, is try and be supportive. Talk to your friend and comfort him by letting him know that you are there for him. You don’t have to be there for him 24/7; he has to be able to take care of himself and he won’t learn anything if you are there for him all the time.
Number 1 rule: take care of yourself. When trying to help depressed people, it can be very hard and emotionally draining on the person helping as well.
Very good advice. well done.
He is my husband and we have a very young child. He is almost thirty and I’ve been with him for the last 11 years. How could I have not known all this time?
Did something happen that may have made him start suddenly?
mlstrunk wrote:
He is my husband and we have a very young child. He is almost thirty and I’ve been with him for the last 11 years. How could I have not known all this time?
wow, I don’t know. That is not normal behavior for an adult, I would recommend trying to get the support of someone you both know and trust, and perhaps seeing a doctor..
I don’t know….He has told me that he has done this since before we started dating but he won’t tell me why he upgraded to a razor all of a sudden.
prior to this recent change has he done it in the last 11 years?
I think he needs professional help. I’ve never heard of someone cutting at that age and it worries me that he has some issue that he needs to deal with. Do you know his personal history before you started dating? Was there any trauma in his past or an incident that may generate this behavior?
Chef wrote:
Very good advice. well done.
Thank you :)
mlstrunk wrote:
He is my husband and we have a very young child. He is almost thirty and I’ve been with him for the last 11 years. How could I have not known all this time?
It is unusual for someone of that age to be cutting. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. I think one of the things that you need to remind him is about his child and the effect that this may have on him/her. Do you know if he went through any major distress earlier in his life?
He says off and on with a paper clip edge. He even caries it in his wallet. I don’t like that, hoewever, it is the lessor of two evils and I would take that anyday over the razor.
He doesn’t talk to his family anymore. He was an abused child and started this in his early teens apparently. I’m not even allowed to talk about them or send them christmass cards with a picture of our daughter. He even told me that when she points to one of his cuts and says booboo, he feels she is telling him to do it. I’ve tried telling him I need him to get better so that if she goes through it, we will have a better understanding of how to help her. More so now that she is showing signs of having OCD like him. She is him though and though.
It’s common for people who were abused at an early age, to self harm. By the sounds of it, your child is being affected greatly by what he is doing. I’m going to assume you tell him that your child isn’t encouraging him to cut.
What does he say when you advise him to see a doctor or counsellor?
I talked to a a cutter for long time hon and trust me if he doesn’t want to help himself then you are wasting your time. Its like an alcoholic he has to want to stop, when he gets to that point then you can get him help.
If he won’t see a doctor, you be his doctor. Find out why he cuts, why he’s depressed and try to help him through.
He won’t tell me anything about it. He says he doesn’t want to disappoint me and hurt me more than he already has with this. As far as the doctor/counsellor, he says he will see one eventually but that he thinks he can beat this on his own. Personally, I think he just told me that to appease me. I’m scared…scared for him, my daughter and our marrage.
He doesn’t cut every day anymore, which is good, but he still can’t make two weeks without it. He even still tries to hide it from me. I’m scared and I just don’t know what to do about it.
It is good to know that he doesn’t cut everyday. One of the main reasons why self harmers hide their wounds, is because they don’t want to disappoint the people close to them. You need to remind him that you won’t be disappointed with him if he cuts. I just have a quick question: Is he going through any major stress at the moment?
Continue to talk to him, but try and keep the conversations pleasant and every so often (maybe once a day) ask him how he his and how he is dealing with this problem he has. You never want to seem too pushy as this may make things worse.
Here is a site you might want to check out. It is aimed at young self harmers but contains information about older self harmers and people who are trying to help them.
http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa
Thanks I’ll have to look into it.
Do you have any suggestions on how to stop him from lying to me? When I see his mood change I try to talk to him as much as he allowes me to, I even ask him if he’s having a hard time with things. He always replies with “I’m fine, I didn’t cut today so don’t worry.” Next thing I know, two days later I find out he did cut and then I get mad because of the lying not because of the cutting.
One of the things that you could try and do is let him know/think that you are on the same level with him. You don’t want him thinking that he is the weaker person. Maybe talk to him about something he likes. If he doesn’t seem so stressed, you could probably talk to him about any problems that you are going through. Maybe by doing this, he will feel comfortable talking to you about how he is feeling.
Basically, you need to convince him that you are not going to judge him for cutting.
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