god help: Bacon’s How it Really Happened: Fire. - Help.com

Bacon’s How it Really Happened: Fire.

Im starting a new post series, much like LazyDaze’s “Smile” posts, entitled, “Bacon’s How it Really Happened”. In these posts, i will describe just that, how it really happened. “it” being anything from the book of genesis to the bacon double cheeseburger you had for lunch. Regardless of success of the post, expect a new chapter once every 1 or 2 weeks. Now, for the first chapter in the book: Fire.

It was a dark and stormy night, as a matter of fact, it was the FIRST dark and stormy night. Ugabug and his caveho Stankmuffin were huddled in ball in the corner of their cave. With each lightning strike, Ugabug and Stankmuffin would shout things like “GRAWPMINGROFLAPOOP!!!” (”Oh dear, there seems to be a large, ominous noise eminating from beyond the vestibule of our dwelling.”) In between bouts of cursing the heavens, and pooping himself in fear and flinging it at passing monkeys, Ugabug decided to venture out into raging storm. As he walked out beyond his cave, he looked around, expecting a Large, and hideously malformed abomination, he instead found rocks, a tree, and a lot of wet. He looked to the sky, just in time to see a large bolt of light streaking toward him, which he assumed was the hand of the sky god, Blippo, but was instead, a large, and incredibly painful bolt of lightning that struck him casually in the forehead shortly before flying out the other end and exploding in a fantastic display of fail. Ugabug awoke to a tingling sensation in his genitals, and the distinctive stench of burning monkey. But, there was no volcano to be seen, and the entire monkey crop had been washed away by a rabid sea of wolverines last week. So where was the smell coming from? He felt an odd sensation eminating from his head, and reached up to feel it. His hand returned with a mystical orange glowing thing that he could neither throw, eat, nor drink, despite his best efforts. He then put this substance on a log and was amazed to see that it provided both light, and warm. He presented it to the League Of Extraordinary Cavemen the next day, and he was rewarded with a savage beating and 10 pickled rats. Even Skankmuffin was pleased, and gave Ugabug 3 helpings of “special time” that night. Ugabug had the best day of his life. Unfortunately, they never put the fire out, and it ravaged their town. Ugabug was punished with a severe beating and sentenced to a fate far worse than death every day for the rest of his life.

This open post was written 1 year ago | V/U/S: 367, 21, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

death, Genesis, Mysticism, lightning, god, Volcano, book, tree, light, Town (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

A logged in and verified Help.com member has the ability to setup a Friends List and invite others to help with posts.