My lust for life is missing.
I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t seem to have any motivation, and if I did it just never seems achievable for one reason or another or one person or another. I want to be a nurse, but can’t afford school. I want to be in the peace core or travel internationally to help humanitarian issues but find you have to have a Bachelors Degree to even be selected as a volunteer. My husband hates that I volunteer at all because I’m not bringing in an income. My daughter just turned 18 and lives 250 miles away a school. Yada-yada-yada. Why can’t I find the motivation to get up any more? I don’t want to clean the house or do the dishes or do the laundry. I just don’t. I don’t feel like there is anything to get up for. I don’t take any pleasure in cleaning this house any more. I can’t figure out why I don’t have any motivation. And, when I do take initiative to do something it is either to wrong to expensive or to stupid to apparently be of value. When I try to be valuable it just never turns out that way. When I read this, I say, “sounds like a pity party” to me. But I don’t pity myself; I have a roof over my head food in the fridge a car to drive. I have what I need to survive. A husband that is honest and ethical who makes sure the bills are paid and when I am sick I have health insurance and he sees me through it. I’m just not happy. I want to ride horses again, enjoy the outdoors, be spontaneous, go to school, feel needed, feel valued and even of more import to me is to be of value to others. I miss traveling, as a flight attendant I went all over the world (almost). I haven’t even had a vacation in 15 years since I’ve been married and left the airlines in 94. My husband doesn’t like to leave the back yard. Well occasionally he does, but just to see a movie and maybe KFC if he just got paid. What’s wrong with me? I’m not working right now, just came out of a rough year health wise, a couple of blood transfusions, couple of ulcers, well not any more really cause they went in and removed the lower half of my stomach and the upper part of my small intestine. All in all it is a good thing because the bleeding ulcers are removed, but ending up on the Cardiac Ward was a surprise. The surgeon messed with my Vegas nerve. My hart slowed to 28 beats per minute and they couldn’t get it to speed up for four days. They call it going “vagal”. Although the 10 inch opening they stapled closed on my stomach and going “vagal” on them was not comfortable it was the collapsed left lung that was really the pits. Fluid apparently from what was left of my stomach, located around my diaphragm that swelled to the size of an apple pushed against my lung deflating part of it. I had to slowly breathe it out to expand it back to normal for several days. Ouch. I’m fine now though. You would think I had a renewed vigor for life after something like that. But I don’t. I’ve had a couple of jobs I really liked, but for the first time in my life I was fired. Not for being late, doing something wrong or just being stupid (I’m 47 years old) the counter manager at Macys just didn’t like me and even though she was older than I (which would make one assume the older you are the more ethical you become I mean I graduated from high school in 1980!) she actually lied to people about me, started rumors, and criticized everything I did. The store manager fired me cause of what she said. I really liked that job. I love working with people. Now I don’t want to go outside my front door. Let alone get out of my night gown. What is wrong with me? I’m tired of life, I’m sick of chores as usual, I’m afraid to get a new job, I don’t want to go outside in the cold. Spent the best weeks of summer in the hospital and missed the whole season. I don’t want to be cold. I’m not ready for the dreary cold season. Yada yada yada. The motivation thing is what bothers me most. The realization that it just isn’t there. Where did it go? Why did it leave? Where do I find support? What kind of support do I need? I can’t even figure that out. The key word I used that lead me to this web site was simply “help”. Signed, Laura lost in space
This open post was written 1 year ago | V/U/S: 215, 12, 5 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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