marriage help: What’s the best option? - Help.com

You need to do what is going to make your relationship with your husband work. If you cater to his mother, and they are not close, then it could cause alot of stress and strain between the both of you. And thats not good at all.

You will never be able to control her behavior — that is up to her — so don’t get caught in the trap of trying to make her “behave herself”. You do have some control over how you let the situation affect you. The first step is to make sure that you do not let her erode your own self-esteem with her verbal abuse. Ignoring her might work temporarily, but “ignoring” often turns into “hiding resentments that will eventually come out sideways” over time. It is also sometimes unfair to the other person, since an astonishing number of people just do not recognize how negative or hurtful their comments can be.

If your mother-in-law says something that is hurtful, feel free to calmly and honestly tell her that it bothers you when she says things like that. She may say you are too sensitive or that she is just joking. Do not disagree with her — just talk about yourself and your desire to not be spoken to that way, and do not veer into statements about her. These are unproductive and often make a person defensive. Over time she will learn that abusive language is not acceptable to you. This doesn’t mean that she will change her behavior, but it keeps you from being a victim and provides her with an opportunity to improve her behavior if she is interested in doing so. This is an important step in setting fair boundaries.

Sometimes a person’s hurtful language can cause real problems. If she is making you unhappy, remember that she does not have control over you and that you can end a phone call or a visit if it becomes very unpleasant. This is something that you should discuss with your husband as well, because if he is not able to set reasonable boundaries with his mother it will have an impact on you as well. If this is hard for the two of you, consider marriage counseling from a minister or a therapist. Marriage counselors deal with a lot of in-law and other family issues in happy couples, and can help you to determine what strategies would work best for the two of you.