Boy help: Is this a good description of somebody? - Help.com

It sounds great as a preemptive opener. Sort of draws in the mind and makes you start to picture it in your minds eye. Great use of descriptives. Good luck with it.

overused the word gaze, three times in the first 2 lines is too much, its a nice word but use a thesaurus for another one like it…
barrely spelt wrong (should be barely)

again overused gaze at the end, find some more words :P

Quite good though, a nice opener and as barely said, very descriptive, gets the imagination going.

(maybe describe the street, ie walked across the cracked pavement or similar, just to set the environment a little more)

I have some more editorial suggestions similar to chocolatspread’s, but I’ll just give you my general impression first.

The woman seems to be described excessively, while the boy seems to just be an afterthought. Is this an important event? Does it add anything to the plot, or does it simply explain the woman’s powers? If that’s all it does, you can just cut this entirely and leave that to the first plot-relevant use of her powers. Some good writing advice is to try discarding the first three pages of your manuscript, it probably gets down to business a lot faster. Where do you imagine this story in three pages? Have you introduced a conflict, other characters? It’s probably a better place to begin than with a random attack on a nameless character.

My general feelings on up-front character description: kind of purple. Character description shouldn’t be a big deal at the beginning of the story, it should be integrated smoothly when necessary so that the reader stays interested. Action and character development is interesting, describing what kind of dress or color eyes or hair color or whatever is not.

-As Chocolatspread said, you dwell on the gaze a little too much. She looks at you and you dissapear. If you explain that once, it should be enough, since the concept of women like Medusa is fairly well-known.
-Also, “electric-like” can simply be phrased as “electric.”
-”…no chance to release from this gaze.” In that case, she would be the one doing the releasing. “Escape” or something along those lines would be better.
-I don’t typically think of black hair and red (lenses or frames?) glasses as “revolting.” What is it about her that scares people? Is it her posture, does she look human? These are the important details to establish character, not what type of dress or glasses she’s wearing.
-There’s a random “me” in the middle of the paragraph. Who is the first-person narrator? Are they there? How do they know what’s going on?

I honestly wrote this off the top of my head… o_o

And as I accept your constructive critisizm, (sorry, I have the spelling of a two year old), I think you may be giving this critisizm to a person much older than me. But again, I wrote this off the top of my head — I had no thesoris available, no spell check, (which I need 100%,) nothing. I wrote it off the top of my head, write here at help.com.

I know I said that I wrote it off the top of my head 4375934857 times, but I just want you to know that.

It’s good you’re considering everyone’s suggestions. If you need me to explain anything, I will. The first draft that you write just to get your ideas down is like the grapes you can work at and make into wine after a long time. :)

Its fairly good for an off the top then :P

Im not much of a linguist myself, I do a bit of stand-up etc but tend to find involving stories hard to keep going for a long time. I am however very good at noticing typos :P

Thesaurus, criticism and right instead of write.

But yeah, rough drafts are to be worked on and age isnt an issue, I was a wya better writer when I was 14/15 then I am now (18) so yeah, really go for it, use the constructive criticism to learn more and be a better writer! (Nearlymello’s suggestions are ace)