guy help: I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. - Help.com

You need to think about what it would be like being married to your boyfriend. I assume you would be thinking about that after three years. What kind of a husband and father would he be. Sounds like he wants to control you and I would think that would be a major characteristic of his parenting as well.
I think you should dump him and tell the friend how you feel. He has been waiting for you for a long time. Give him a chance. It doesn’t sound like you would regret it. Good Luck on your finally and enjoy life it is way too short.

Sometimes you meet people who help you improve yourself - but this doesn’t mean you’ll continue to improve by keeping them in your life.

A big part of being a better person means being honest with yourself. If you don’t feel right being with your boyfriend with the way things are, respond to that accordingly.

Worry about yourself first, sort through your feelings and what circumstances they’re connected to. It’s okay to not be certain about what you want; establish how you feel first - things’ll feel so much clearer from there.

Maybe if you can, put it out of your head for now and focus on your exams. At least once that’s out of the way, you’ll have more headspace for dealing with this. :) Good luck.

You are right in that I have been thinking about marriage. However, he is not wholly bad. My boyfriend does not mean to control me. I think he behaves the way he does unintentionally. I think it is a personality trait. He treats everyone the way he treats me. He is perfect in his career choice. He wants to be a lawyer. He loves to cut people off and rid conversations of irrelevancies. He is genuine though. He DOES love me and he does not mean any harm. Do you think I should talk to him and tell him how he is hurting me? My only fear is the possibility of two extremes. I am afraid he might either shrug off my emotions as irrational and make a joke OR he might be hurt and make comments about how he doesn’t deserve me. He usually reacts in one of those two extremes. He always talks about compromise and discussing problems openly; however, that hardly ever seems to be the case. I THINK it would be best to talk to him about my concerns. If he shows no inclination to change, perhaps then I might leave him. Honestly, I am kind of afraid of leaving him.

It sounds to me like he has no connection to his emotions. My guess is in three years you have never seen a single tear from his eyes. Trust me that makes life hell to live with someone like that. I think you should tell him how you feel. That puts the ball in his court. My guess is he will trivialize the problem because you are not being “logical”. He will probably not be able to understand the problem you are having. Sound like he has made the right career choice. Love is so much more important than money. Rich and loveless is Hell my dear.

I am the only girlfriend he has ever had. He was born slightly disfigured. He has had many successful surgeries and now looks perfectly normal. I think that might be part of why he behaves the way he does. Also, his father is also “logical” as he was an engineer and spent years away from his family. My boyfriend is not completely cold. I have heard him cry only once and have seen him extremely happy to see me only once. Most of his moods are extremely stable. The only time he tells me I’m beautiful is when we are intimate. I feel badly for not being able to spend time with him as often as we used to. He used to be my only real friend. I spent all my time with him. Now I am in college and have friends and have a lot of time dedicated to study. From time to time he will be mean to me and my roommate because I have to leave to do something with her and not be with him. I know if it were not for me, he would have no one to really talk to. He has one real friend other than me, but he is far away and they barely speak now. He prides himself on being the “cool” kid in his class because he studies before class and asks intelligent questions. If I were to leave him, I don’t know if he would continue living. He has never dealt with any real loss in his life. I don’t know if he could handle it. He has always told me that I would one day leave him. Whenever I get frustrated with him and tell him to stop behaving in a certain way, he tells me that I will leave him eventually. I then try to comfort him saying that I won’t. He then keeps calling himself an ***. Later, when looking back on the situation, he makes jokes about how I am so emotional and how I get upset over silly things (such as the way he behaves). The shock of my ACTUALLY leaving might hit him like a ton of bricks. Then again, my talking seriously with him might make him realize what he could lose. I don’t know. Love, to me, is the most important thing. Love leads to inner happiness which leads to kind acts of giving.

I am not sure what to think. I think the best thing I could tell you is you have to follow your heart. You cannot be persuaded to stay because you think he may find a tall building and throw himself off. I believe you already know what you want to do. My guess is you want someone to either confirm or deny the feeling you have. Women have an amazing ability to know what to do without knowing why. Men don’t understand it because it is not logical.
It may say something about him if he only has one friend. Think about this honey before you make a decision.

Thank you. I think you are right. I think I made this post to get suggestions before I make a decision. Also, I know that often outside opinions are the most useful. This has been plaguing me for a while now. I think I will talk to him. If he reacts badly, the answer is right there. If he changes, I will give him another chance. If he reacts positively but does not change, I will leave. I am not looking to date around or anything. I really want to settle down and marry. I am just not sure the relationship I am in will be a healthy life-long relationship. I think the most important first step is to talk to him. God I hope I’m right!

Sounds to me like you love him but you’re not in love with him anymore. Sometimes you have to be really hard and go for what you want, and make other people deal with the consequences and it may be that this is one of those times. You are only responsible for what you do, so whether you stay or leave him, not for what he does, so not for how he reacts.
If he hasn’t changed in three years, I think it’s unlikely he ever will. You need to think whether you can live with how he is forever, thru all the trauma of life, kids, etc.
Good luck! Hope it all works out well for you. Remember that as well as your friend who may or may not be in love with you, there may be all sorts of people who are interested in you, who won’t declare themselves while you are in such a stable long-term relationship. If you do decide to leave your boyf, you’re not leaving him for your other friend, you’re just leaving him.

Anon, your boyfriend is very reserved because the “disfigurement,” as you call it, was at the center of his being. Legions of girls came and went who wouldn’t give him a second look. If you don’t think that younger girls and women can be a shallow lot, think again. He learned to hide his feelings because he was afraid to express them. Behind whatever “Mr. Spock” exterior he has, he is more vulnerable than you could possibly imagine. You could put together a few sentences of harsh words and destroy his ego completely. The truth is that you are about the first woman to look past his “disfigurment” and value him for his mind and his character.

You will have to decide if you can live with the personality that was forged by his attempts to deal with his physical appearance.

As for the other guy, Chev. James’ law is this: the moment you leave a halfway decent guy for another guy, the other guy will run away and you will be left with no one.

I concur on your statements regarding his being vulnerable. Hence my caution and unease about thoughts of leaving him. If I do leave him, it will not be FOR my friend. I am not sure of his affections toward me. As I had stated above, I would leave my boyfriend if he shows no attempt to take my emotions and concerns into account. If he laughs at my concerns, I will tell him that my statements were made in all seriousness. If his remarks are harsh I will reconsider my relationship. However, if he shows concern and a willingness to hear me out, I will stay. I know for a fact he is insecure in some respects… a definite influence in his personality development. I never did mind his sarcastic rudeness before. Things are, however, getting worse. I had never seen him this upset with my wanting to go out or spend time with my father or study. He has even been rude to my roommate because she had to be at a wedding that evening so I had to hang up the phone. The reason for his cold exterior is irrelevant. I only wish he would at least be more gentle with me. I am thinking of my long-term happiness. Yes, I can tolerate this now BUT what if this continues after we have children? Will he treat all of us with some form of contempt for trivial things? I must know now if he will continue on this path. He was not always this harsh, but he has always had that cold exterior. I just want to feel free to be myself and to move about without feeling held back. I will speak to him about this after my final exams. That way we have a full month to either grow together or grow apart. As for whether or not I am IN love with him, I no longer know. I have always felt so deeply for him that it feels wrong that I no longer do. I don’t know if this is temporary because of our current troubles or if this is a permanent detachment. Either way, I must speak with him once our obligations are taken care of.