friends help: I need to recognize and escape controlling people. - Help.com

Thanks for the advice. It is just a really touchy situation because I am really good friends with his sister. I actually became friends with him because of this other friendship. So just blocking him out could cause problems with her. I do not want him badmouthing me to her, and I do not want to tell her I think he is controlling and upset her.

Plus, I do not know how to stand up for myself. Like when he was demanding I take an address I knew I all ready had, I wish I could have just found some way to make him stop being so demanding without upsetting him. But I do not know how to do that and it stresses me out.

Thanks!

Thanks. The confusing part is that he can be a great person in a lot of ways. For example, he helped me move all of my things 1,000 miles some years back. He took time off from work to do this.

But then, even though I also paid him a thousand dollars for doing this, he got so angry at me when I did not call for a period of time (again because he was trying to give me too much advice and it was becoming frustrating.) He claimed it upset him so much that he would go out of his way to do that for me, and then I did not call him - that it was not about the money but that he cared. So that made me feel really bad because he had gone out of his way.

And he has really helped his sister in a huge way with a major life issue - she ended up having a wonderful dream of hers come true because he supported her and helped her in a way no one else did, even though it ended up costing him in the end. He wanted her to be happy more than for him to be selfish, which most people would not have done.

So I have a hard time seeing him as a jerk and I do not think he would ever be physically abusive. He always says that he is all about tough love and that people tell him he is tough but fair, and that he is always about doing the right thing, etc. And he does give great advice sometimes when it comes to tough situations. I like when he is fair about stuff - when he lets me talk and hears me out without interrupting - but when he gets bossy and picky it gets stressful.

I guess I cannot see him as a jerk or a bad person.

Thanks for the advice :-)

In regards to helping me move, he volunteered himself for that and insisted he wanted to do it to help. He also insisted he did not want any money, that he wanted to do it because he cared.

But then, on the way down, at different stops he would crack jokes about getting paid. My mom was there, and it was really getting on her nerves, because she said that it felt like he was trying to drop major hints that he wanted some kind of payment ad she didn’t like that kind of joking/hinting.

When I asked him to stop joking around about getting paid because it was getting to my mom, he acted like she was being really touchy and that he was just joking and did not want anything.

Well, when we got to the final destination that was when I paid him because we felt like if we didn’t he could come back on me and rub it in in the future that he had done this great thing for me. But even though we paid him, he still brought it up later when he was angry at me and said it had not been about the money, and he would not have done it for someone else.

So I don’t know.

It’s really frustrating too because I sent him two long emails yesterday and the night before, to keep him up to date on a situation he wanted kept up to date on, and he has never replied to my questions in the emails even though he checks his email daily.

I do think the advice was good, to try and mention things to him. Personally, right now I am so aggravated I want to completely mimick him the next time I talk to him: “Get a pen, right now….write down what I want you to right now….stop waiting….don’t you like being told what to do????”

:-)

{Felicity} wrote:
How r things ?

Thanks for asking! It is a mixed bag of good and bad that has worked itself out on its own.

I never heard from him again. I had sent him an email detailing all that happened, but he never replied and he even took me off his forwarding list as I used to get almost daily forwards from him but never one came after that.

I also had sent him a very nice thank you card, but still never heard from him again.

I have to admit I was hurt, because I could not figure out what I had done that was so wrong. One of the only things I can think of is that when I said to him, “hold on” and he said “HOLD ON???” he must have been very angry that I asked him to hold on. (I said it politely, not rudely or snapping or anything that I think.)

The last few conversations with him, I was getting very neurotic. I was worried all the time, “am I going to say something that upsets him?” He was being so hyper-critical that it was making me second guess myself all the time and was making me really irritated with him underneath. Perhaps he sensed that irritation underneath, even though I was trying to be polite.

So I suppose it worked out for the best. If I had been the one to shut him out, he would have ranted and raved about how awful I was.

It was hurtful that he shut me out without my knowing why, but at least I do not have to worry anymore about trying to handle his hyper-criticism. He once said to me, “in my book, you get three strikes and then your out.” Well, I guess I hit three without knowing what the last two were :-)

I do wish I knew though what made him ignore me??? I think it is just hyper-criticism on his part. Any thoughts?

Thank you Felicity :-) I appreciate your thoughts and your reply.