life help: Let me know what you think of this poem… - Help.com

girl-statica
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An Unknown Location

Let me know what you think of this poem…

My hearts pouring empty. Pushing the needle in so softly. My head aches out so deadly.This isn’t who I am.
Lying awake I am drownding.my heart beats on oh so mighty.Fighting a feeling makes me shutter.Eyes blood shot it makes me wonder.Let me touch you one more time.To feel the life I no longer have.Lying still room is spinning.No more lies until next morning.Hardly alive she pulls the curtin.Lights flash on her pulse is racin.Hands reach out fingers touch.Why can’t I disapear this is to much.Lying awake clouds are partin.fully submerged the clock is crackin.losing control a world less mended.fighting a crime her time has ended.

This open post was written 12 months ago | V/U/S: 145, 2, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post


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Since writing this post girl-statica may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. girl-statica is a verified member, has been around for 1 year, 1 month and has 43 posts and 113 replies to their name.

Post Tags (10)

poetry, Eye, Beat generation, Blood, Clock, Cloud, Crime, life, hand, Head (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

Replies (2)

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Anonymous #
12 months ago (29 minutes after post)

you have spelling mistakes e.g. drowning, racing, too, parting, cracking

yuppers but I’m sure that you didn’t mean to do those. anywhos, good work!!

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jordan.mason offline Verified User (1 year, 5 months) Long Term User Shouts: 1 #
An Unknown Location | 12 months ago (38 minutes after post)

Pushing the needle in so softly.

COMMENT: What needle? A syringe needle for drugs? A metaphor for a piercing feeling?

My head aches out so deadly.

COMMENT: “so deadly” … as to say that you are going to kill someone or your being killed?

This isn’t who I am.

COMMENT: Who are you? What description about yourself have you given? Or visa versa a description of what you are not?

To feel the life I no longer have.

COMMENT: What life did you have? What has changed?

Hardly alive she pulls the curtin

COMMENT: Who is, “she?” Is she a metaphor for the angel of death pulling the curtin? Is she your mother, sister, or girlfriend pulling the curtin open to let the sun in after a night of binge drinking/drug use?

I think you need to improve on your syntax, grammer, and descriptions. Your use of visual imagery is poor.

I encourage you to keep writing, keep thinking, and most of all … keep dreaming.

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