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Britney Spears, Last Night…
Last night, I watched that really long segment on Britney Spears. Her “Top Ten Greatest Moments on MTV” and the “Britney: For the Record” (I watched the first and the second showing). The reason I am writing about this is because I feel EXACTLY like she does!
I year and a half ago, my world came crashing down when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Suddenly, I found myself going from focused and happy towards my future in fashion design and at school, to unfocused, unhappy, and failing at my future in fashion design. It got so bad that now, I am stuck in this never ending “groundhog day” type life/routine (as Britney so GREATLY described it in her “Britney: For the Record” show last night).
I feel swamped and overwhelmed by the same things, day in and day out. It is so bad that it feels like I get haunted by these things and find any type of distraction to “get away from it!” I go out, shopping is the biggest thing I do, drive, get coffee, stay on the computer (much like right now), lay in bed (its like a hiding place for me), and go out with friends. There is more that I do, but I think you get the jist of it. I also like being away from home, but want to be at home when I am away. Feeling this way, just confuses me more and gets me all mixed up, so I resort to the things that I have in the past to “hide” from it all.
But last night, while watching “Britney: For the Record” show, throughout the entire show, almost everything she described and said just hit home for me on how I was feeling! It made me CRY! That is how I know it is how I feel. Never! In the past year and a half, have I been able or capable of explaining it to someone so well, so simply, and in a way for them to understand and comprehend what it is I am feeling, all at once!
As I am writing this, I am failing at my last chance for being able to stay here, at the college that I am currently going to. I REALLY, deep down do not want to fail, but I do not see how I can change all that with NO ASSIGNMENTS turned in ALL quarter for this one sewing class, and only three weeks left to go. I have forced myself to sit down and think of what could happen if I do succeed this quarter and every quarter after and graduate from this school. Then I think about what will happen if I do not succeed and fail.
I feel so scared and “icky” when I think about what my life would be like without college. My parents and so many others make it seem like it is HORRIBLE to not get through college! It is pushed onto so many of todays kids that I think it does not let a kid just enjoy it. School is NO LONGER enjoyable! It is MANDATORY! No kid will do what is MANDATORY! Being SCARED into something is not enjoyable! I LOVE the career path I have chosen, but the pushing and nagging and getting scared into all the rest is just, well F****** SCARY! It makes me recede!
I am lost and do not know what to do! PLEASE! Give me your suggestions and opinions on how to cope with what I am feeling, deal, get what I need to done!
This open post was written 12 months ago | V/U/S: 123, 8, 2 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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