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tell him straight, without yelling, what you want and what you need. leave the ball in his court as to his own actions. Having not been there myself, this is my pure speculative answer. I’ve been talking with a male friend in your position lately, telling him that he needs to decide if hes going to end things, and stop leading her on, or decide he wants to try it one last time, and romance her again. Try giving your husband this, make him decide. You also have to decide for yourself if you want to stay with him or not, and if the answer is yes, then do your best to not yell, to take a few extra steps that are for him, just for him. Hope i helped at least a little :) But things will end up ok, with or without him. Women are strong!!!

He doesnt respect me. I’m not the kind of person to beat around the bush. If i have something on my mind I tell him. I’ve talked to him countless number of times about howI feel, what I want etc, He says he understands, but when it comes to crunch he just ignores me. I really don’t think he respects me. He’s never comforted me when he’s upset me. I gave birth 6 months ago and I didnt feel that he ws supportive through the pregnancy, the birth or after the birth. he’s in early thirties, but still behaves like a teenager when it comes to serious things. He’s not emotional and doesnt understand emotions.

But to be fair to him. I was in a very disruptive violent relationship before me and him got together. I told him everything in the start. But he started showing signs of cheating, which is wat happened in previous relationship. Thing is he would talk to his ex ( i later found out she wasn’t his ex yet) every time i was with him. Alarm bells started ringing. I never got an explanation until 4 months later. so much more has happened.

Then slap him around the head a bit (mentally, not physically, that may not go down too well), take the babe and shoot off to a friends or to mums for a few days, and think back about how things were before you got married, and why. Spend some time focussing on the good and then see what his actions are?

(I’m the annonymous one) I don’t recall exactly what my post awaiting approval said, but i say give him a talking to, no yelling, take the babe and shoot off to mums or a girlfriends for a couple days, let him see what it would be like without you at arms reach. Then, agree to meet in a neutral place and talk it out with a mediator there too, maybe?

i don’t have anyone to turn to. He’s a different race, religion and when i married him, family disowned me and most of my friends too. mediator??? I tried to get marriage counselling via his reverend at church, but they made me feel like I should adjust myself around him and it’s all up to the woman whether the marriage works or not. After that 1 session he admitted he felt as though he had done no wrong in the relationship… so it didn’t really help. But i really wish there was amediator. he’s been living alone for about 10 years… no family around, and i think he just lost the knowledge of having a family.

Sometimes people come on very hard to another person when they have had something terrible happened to them stemming from a past relationship. It’s like they are waiting for it to happen in every relationship that follows. So they beat everyone that tries to get close to them. They always count what they do and they have a prescribed way for them to act. It’s all about control and constantly having to prove themselves.

Are you blaming your husband for your past relationship? Thinking because he’s a man he must be the same way?

I would hate to have a relationship with a person that was previously cheated on and hurt. Because I would have the shadow of mistrust thrown at me everyday. I would have the burden of that other guy lurking over my shoulder in everything that I do and say. I personally would not find that a life I would want to live.

No one should have to make up for someone else’s faults. If this is a case where you can’t trust your husband and are constantly looking for him to cheat and not comfort you the way you want to comforted, than perhaps you should get some counseling.

If not, than you should make a list of what you want and be specific and stick to the list. I wish you the best.

i don’t blame him at all for my past. up until about 1 year ago i did look at him waiting for him to cheat, but that’s because he did in the start of our relationship. with 3 girls. That did affect me. though we are over that now and it no longer comes up in arguements, i can’t lie that it really did hurt. he hasn’t cheated since then.

I am so sorry that he has cheated on you, I know first hand how painful that can be.

I would still make a list of what I expect and perhaps plan more fun things to do together. This can help because when two people just argue they don’t get in a relaxed position to allow for their grievances to be worked out. If he won’t go, then go yourself. If he sees you are determined, he may just want to join you. It’s worth a try.

If you two would go to counseling that would be one thing they would suggest.

My head is screaming, “Women are strong! Women have rights and lives too!” We’re no longer in a day and age that the man calls all the shots. I’ve been in a relationship that I’ve been cheated on, and yeah it affects me but I don’t expect every other guy to cheat. I’m not sure where that brain leak was headed, but i’ll post this and hopefully clear out my thoughts…

I agree with Genesis’s new post, with the exception of councelling, because you’ve already said that the church frowned on you and smiled on him. My brother is in a relationship, looking at marrying a girl from a religion that my brother would be the figurehead and that his partner could almost get away with anything, as long as brother dearest is leading. I’m not sure if that has any relevance, past explaining that i understand that councelling doesn’t always work out.

Of course woman have rights and so do men. When you look at all of the factors that have been stated so far this marriage is very difficult because of the loss of family, the difference in race, the difference in religion, etc. These differences alone can make a person feel abandoned. So to keep a relationship going with all of these differences you have to seek a common ground where communication can begin.

Nothing is ever settled through yelling. Either one or the other keeps quiet, just to end it.

So one can start by putting themselves in a place where they won’t yell and scream and try to talk to each other and perhaps regain why they got together in the first place. Sharing things together brings this out.

Ooh a library! just joking.

If i may be so bold as to make a suggestion, write down a list of things that you miss from him, get him to write a list of what he misses from you, and see where there is remedy available. He may be missing things from you that you didn’t realise you’d been leaving behind, and vice versa. Unfortunately it’s not possible to instantly fix emotions, but actions are able to be changed with short notice and a willing mind and heart.

I’m sorry, u.kha, I hope we haven’t bombarded you with too much. All the best for you, and if you post again I’ll be sure to return :)

I wish you all the best u.kha. Let us know how you are doing.

No one person is at fault completely in a marriage. It’s takes two to give 100% to make it work. I do believe it’s just as much the responsibility of a man to keep a woman happy and vice-versa.

I too am sorry if I have offended you in anyway. That was not my intention. Good luck to you, you deserve everything that life has to offer.

both seem like a good idea….if he’s willing.
you may be right.
this morning i felt quite numb and confused.
i know the romance is completely lost and bedroom scene has become quite scarce…
thanks for your advice. will definately try it.
x

Whether he is willing or not, you hold steadfast to creating a life where the two of you can communicate on a respectful level. You should be having fun, being social and making new friends. It will help you to feel secure.