Do you know if you have any reason to be depressed?
I don’t have a specific reason for being depressed, no. I’m honestly guessing that it’s because my birthday is coming up, and I promised myself last year that I would not let myself live to see another birthday.
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[quote sarah63]I don’t have a specific reason for being depressed, no. I’m honestly guessing that it’s because my birthday is coming up, and I promised myself last year that I would not let myself live to see another birthday.[/quote
Jesus. Why so depressed?
as in why the promise to yourself?
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Probably because I was depressed and suicidal at the time… I don’t remember specifics. But a promise is a promise, and I feel guilty not keeping this one.
Your post makes it sound like you have people who care. Go with that! Do you have a good friend that you can tell all this to? Sometimes just saying things can help, maybe even help you figure out why you were so depressed before if you don’t already know.
its good that you can still feel guilty it means you have emotions. now you need to rationalise them. Guilt is not a good reason to end it all.Its more important to offload the guilt.
What would make you happy?
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I really don’t think that it’s safe to tell anyone.
I’m feeling guilty because I am not ending my life, so I’ve replaced that with cutting. And now, the only thing that really makes me feel entirely real is cutting. My body is so hideous because of it… yet, there’s something about it…
ok so you replaced suicide with cutting now replace cutting with something harmless yet exillarating. Tell us about you, what skills do u have? what dreams do u have? interests hobbies etc
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Saying that you promised to yourself you wouldn’t see another birthday is a promise that should not necessarily be kept. You shoudn’t feel guilty for still being alive. There has got to be reasons you are still here.
I know what it’s like to feel like it’s not safe to talk. . . even though the situation isn’t as extreme. It sounds like cutting has turned into a big part of your life now, and you can’t hide things like it forever. If talking won’t work then it’s up to you (and us, of course) to figure it out. What’s so great about cutting yourself? Is it just the control of it that feels so good?
I don’t have any major aspirations for the future. My parents don’t particularly want me going off to college (they are caught up on the suicidal thing, still). I used to think I was okay with art, with painting, but recently I’ve felt less and less mediocre and more and more incompetent.
With cutting, I feel somewhat alive again, I suppose. I can no longer cry, so I’ve replaced the cuts with that. The control is a major part, and also the pain that simply sears through my every nerve while I walk, feeling the wounds tear open from time to time… There’s just something about that.
Now for the big question: Do you honestly want to stop cutting?
You dont cry any more can mean that you grown out of that i didnt cryed in years dosent mean that something is wrong with me, it seams like nowone is strong enough to give you a litle smak and open you eyse on the world cuting and drinking is for weak people who cant handle the problems surounding all the people ritch and poor every single day you wont kill your self one day you will lough to all this usking what the hell were you thinking ,you need to start to aprisiate your self and other people will do the same to you noone can halp you if you dont wont to help your self you are smart other way you wouldnt usk for help talk to someone open you heart every problem can be solved its true new problems will come but learn to handle them dont spend your time cating your self go deaper and fined your self fined the reasons you start to do this at the first place you can see that the life is not that bad when you become stronger good luck
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I would suggest you keep a Diary of your feelings. You can control the content and The emotional pain of just writing down your feelings might be more exilarating than the physical pain of cutting. The pages of the diary will be filled with emotional scars you can look at and reflect on.
This might sound pathetic but if you try it you may even find it distracts you from cutting.
Most of all dont give up trying to stop cutting. If you stop for awhile and then have a moment of madness just write it in the diary with the feelings it created before during and AFTER, then put it behind you and continue to STOP cutting.
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Sarah, when you get the urge to cut, go to the freezer, and hold a handful of icecubes as tight as you can. Trust me you will get pain, but you’ll cut down on the scars.
I do not know if I want to stop cutting, necessarily. I’m just not ready to let go. I know that it does not solve any problems at all, but it’s very much like my guilty pleasure.
In the end, I’m just basically confused.
I’ve kept a diary for over a year now… and it is not the same as cutting. Not at all. Same with ice cubes. I don’t even know how to want to stop, and for that, I feel guilty.
You said you can’t cry anymore. Why can’t you?
No clue. My head is completely stuffed, overflowing with tears, but nothing escapes my eyes.
besides the cutting and the guilt you have mentioned, what is it that you cant cry about? What made you sad in the first place? …. Theres probably a lot of things that all added up or there could be one big thing ?
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Have a look how many people trying to help you open your hart to us and you will feal beteer it has to be a reason for what you are doing, it cant be for fun that way everybody alse will be doing that its wrong and you know that
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Okay, I want to go ahead and thank you for sharing all this with us. But I am slightly confused about some things you have said. I want you to make more use of this post, or maybe even start a new one. From now on I want you to keep up with that diary of yours on help.com. Tell us everything. The more we know the more we can help. Hold nothing back and believe me you will get results, and if you don’t than you can always stop posting. Give it some thought, it’s the little things that help.
I’m ready to lose it, that’s why I want to cry… I am critical of myself, I do not deserve my friends, and I am a mean-spirited person. But overall, there is truly no reason why I would want to destroy myself…
I don’t know how I would work in a diary on here. When I write, it’s completely incoherent, and oftentimes disgusting (description-wise). But I suppose I’ll think about it. Seems like a good idea.
While you come down on yourself Sarah, you will continue to cut, you need to build your self esteem, usually a cutter has underlying emotional problems they cant deal with, hence the cutting for a release.You need to start thinking positive thoughts about yourself and your worries. Live in the “now” you cant change the past, you can’t predict the future, live in the moment its all anyone can control at any one given time.
Think about and write down what bothers you most in your life, and take each thing at a time and try to change it, we are ruled by our thoughts, and if they be negative all the time, this is the way your life will be. We make our own destiny in this world and we have to be determined to change it. :-)
Do you have any social life Sarah ? do you go out, interact with others ? do you have any hobbies ?
My social life is tiny. I have friends, but I don’t frequently see them outside of school. I can’t concentrate long enough to have a hobby at this point.
You have a low selfasteam too you put in your friends mineds that you re a bad person whitch you are not i am sorre lets them decide if they dont like you there will alweys be new friends,but you wont have another life so stop distroying at nothing is worth that much, way you dont deserv your friends if they that good way they dont try to help you ,you take care you life put your self up mybe even higher than you shoud be and people will treat you and see you that way too ,you are so negative change that urgently ,you dont need to have milion friends to be happy fined something that you like doing and that will make you busy and happy,how old are you anyway?
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You need an outlet Sarah, you need to pour that concentration into something, it will be a distraction for you, so that you don’t cut. You have to start doing these things for Sarah, nobody can help you hon, if you don’t help yourself, not a counselor, not your Parents nobody on here, you have to do this for you.While you sit alone and in front of that Computer, nothing is going to change, you will sit there day after day, going over all the negative thoughts,
and things will stay just the same as they are now.
You have to make the effort, you have to get out there, find yourself a hobbie and just do it my lovely, simply because you are worth more than this.
I keep myself at a distance from people generally because I am very aware that in being my friend, a ton of issues come along, too. I really don’t want anyone to become involved with this.
I am not ready… I don’t think I deserve this. It would be better for you to speak to someone you can actually help. I’m too closed off to be helped. Hobbies bring me no joy, and I can barely concentrate anyways because all I think about is slicing myself. I am almost seventeen now.
The human mind Sarah is a powerful thing if you let it control you, how do you think you cut in the first place ? its your mind telling you to do it isn’t it? of course, well if you take charge of that mind, occupy it, fill it with occupied thoughts, while you are doing something that takes all your concentration, its pretty hard to think about anything else. Yes you think you can Multitask, but really the task isn’t completely done unless you are there in that moment giving it your full concentration…………Exactly my point, you don’t want to concentrate, because your mind is telling you to cut, that’s the whole point of occupying it.
Don,t let issues come along in a friendship, shut them out, give it a positive approach, tell yourself this person wants to be your friend and you in turn are going to be a valuable friend to her. For you sake Sarah , you have to stop this negative pattern of thinking hon.
Sasha101 invited 2 users to read this post 11 months, 3 weeks ago.
You are negative again to change something you need to wont that badly to happen halp your self and be on this side halping other people in same need (it can be done)strong people have fait if they can beat many bad ilneses you can halp your self too,you are lazy to think and see the bether outcome.
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Sarah, the cutting is not something that you should feel guilty about. You are clearly feeling very isolated and unhappy, and you don’t know what to do about it. This is not something that you can control or snap out of like a bad mood, this is something that you need medical help with.
You sound like a person with tremendous intensity and spirit, and the world needs people like you to stick around. Do us all a favor and talk to a doctor about what is going on with you. With the right support, this pain will eventually pass and you will find your fire again. It isn’t something that you can do alone though — you need to get some help.
What happens Sarah if one night you are “slicing” and you slice through an Artery, would that make you stop ? its something you really need to consider, because the chance is a real one.
Good Idea TJ but she has to have some input hon, the doc can,t do it all.
Go back and read your post Sarah, would you have posted it if you didn’t want help with this ?
Deep down you want that help, and to get it you have to determine yourself to make an effort.
Cutting is a complex thing, and you have to get to the root of whats bothering you, whether it be something in the past, the present, whatever it is and you need the emotional tools to do this. A counselor can help but as I say, you have to want to get better as with any addiction.
Also, you say this is your “Guilty Pleasure” whats pleasing bout being left feeling, confused and cut off from everybody ?
I do want help, perhaps… I’m just not sure if that’s the right choice right now. I mean, I already feel cold and gone… but I need that spark. I cannot explain it. It’s not worth explaining.
Sarah.. How can I help? If I asked you to cut me for pleasure would you?
To cut you for pleasure? Not likely.
If I wanted this as my guilty pleasure and I needed to be cut would you do this for me?
Sarah, you have to find that spark babe, you have to make your mind up to change this for the better, as I keep saying be in control of that mind, kick it , beat it up but make it think positive thoughts.Tell it “Im worth more than this ****” ” “I can do this” If you think Sarah is worth cutting why not another ? think about this Sarah…
Tell me exactly why you think Sarah deserves cutting ?
If you can cut yourself, why can’t you cut me!! What makes me any better or less than you!!
Perhaps if I knew you better, I would consider.
It’s not just that this a guilty pleasure… that’s not the best word choice on my behalf. In many ways, I need to be punished, I need to take the self-hatred out, I need to be demeaned.
And who has passed this judgeent on Sarah?
barely wrote:
And who has passed this judgement on Sarah?
What has made you so angry with “you” that you deserve punishment?
Well tell us why hon ? there must be a reason isn’t there ?
Sarah Im going to come straight out with this, were you ever abused as a child ?
There is no action I can directly associate this with. I am just an incompetent, idiotic child who needs to be punished.
No, I was never abused.
Is there somebody that makes you feel this way ? like you deserve it ?
No one that I know of, aside from myself.
Sarah, when was the last time someone told you they love you?
Thats why I think you need pro help then hon, you need help to find out why you feel this way.
Sarah, you sound very seriously depressed. There is help for this, but you have to seek it out. Sasha, I know you want to reason Sarah out of her self-destructive thinking and actions, but depression sometimes goes beyond what we can control through reason. At times like that we critically need medical intervention to help us get back to being ourselves. There often isn’t any reason for feeling that way — it is just a feeling that won’t go away. Sarah, if this sounds like what you are feeling, please talk to a doctor.
Probably this morning, but I wouldn’t say it exactly counts when you’re paranoid that it’s a lie.
I don’t feel like I can talk to professionals openly. I don’t even think that I can talk to my doctor because that means revealing that I’ve been cutting, and then my parents will be informed, and then it’s crazy because I’ve lied, and then I’m completely gone for another month, in the hospital, because I simply cannot be trusted by my doctor or my parents.
SO if I can get you an 800 number where you can talk to a professional in an anonymous scenario would you talk with them?
Sarah you are literate and intelligent, and far from being an idiotic , incompetent child.
You are just a teenager, that needs help to find her way in this world, with some help and counsel you are going to be fine. When your Parents tell you they love you Sarah, trust me, as a mother they are not lying.
No because I am aware that they can (and will) send paramedics. I will NOT go through that again.
What exactly happens when you go to hospital Sarah, do the counsel you, try to get you to open up at all ?
They stuff me with meds, which in turn only exacerbate the problem. There isn’t much help that is helpful…
Sarah, my wife was once in te same place that you are right now. She spent time in the hospital too, and couldn’t believe that anything good could come her way. She went through several doctors and some very dark times trying to find a solution, and she finally found a good doctor who was able to help her. Since that time she has finished college, gotten a graduate degree, gotten married, and now we are planning to start a family. Good things can happen, no matter how dark they seem. She hated the hospital too, but it doesn’t always have to be the same. The last time she was there she found a much better doctor, who finally got her diagnosis right and was able to help her recover. Being stuffed with meds is exactly what some doctors do (they probably gave you Trazadone in the hospital to keep you sedated, didn’t they?), but it doesn’t always have to be that way.
Yep I knew it :/ Oh grrr, can you find a counselor that isn’t anything to do with the hospital ? drugs isn’t the answer here and I think you know that too.
As with any addiction, you will continue to deny, and justify your actions to continue with your present lifestyle.. Saying you don’t want around others is what they say too.Wanting to be left alone to do what you do in private. The baggage that comes with being who you are, and what your doing, you admit is something shameful. Just as an addict knows they have a problem, but say their not ready to give up there life style just yet. So what happens, is you get deeper and deeper into what your doing. I think what you do is not pleasurable, as it is a need you have to fulfill. Thus the addiction.Your drug of choice is not a chemical, but a knife, and seeing the blood, and the release you get from doing this. Something has happened to you in your past that triggered this in the first place. Sadly, all your wishful thinking to stop won’t happen, unless you do seek professional help and support from your peers. Talking with others who like yourself, have managed to come out the other side from this now mental illness. It is an llness, one that can be cured if your willing to do what it takes to get your life back. Only you can change you. Wishful thinking isn’t enough. It all boils down to how bad you want this. Do you want to be normal again without the long pants, and long sleeved shirts? If so, set a date to take the necessarty steps to accomplish this. Anything worth having is worth fighting for Sarah.Please reclaim your life back. You’ll be so glad you did. I wish you the wisdom to make the right choice here. Your not alone. Join a support group instead of being pumped up with drugs that aren’t getting to the root of your problem. Just my take on this. All the best to you Sarah! :)
tjwoods wrote:
Sarah, my wife was once in te same place that you are right now. She spent time in the hospital too, and couldn’t believe that anything good could come her way. She went through several doctors and some very dark times trying to find a solution, and she finally found a good doctor who was able to help her. Since that time she has finished college, gotten a graduate degree, gotten married, and now we are planning to start a family. Good things can happen, no matter how dark they seem. She hated the hospital too, but it doesn’t always have to be the same. The last time she was there she found a much better doctor, who finally got her diagnosis right and was able to help her recover. Being stuffed with meds is exactly what some doctors do (they probably gave you Trazadone in the hospital to keep you sedated, didn’t they?), but it doesn’t always have to be that way.
You see Sarah , you have to find a doctor “worth his meat” as we say in England,I think once you find a good one, this will be in your past.
Sarah.. Listen to me for one minute. When I say someone you can talk with, I’m not talking of someone that will send people to take you to a hospital, I’m talking about someone that will listen and understand. Someone that will hear you and help you to work through this. I promise that.
The drug thing bugs me, its basically a cop out, because simply they cant be bothered. You need a **** good Counselor, one that will give you the tools to deal with all this.
Sarah, if you want, I’ll set this up so you can call and us *67 which will hide your phone number from the person you’re calling. Can I do that for you?
Are you taking anything now Sarah ?
I’m sitting in front my computer completely dazed. There is too much information to absorb. I’m not comfortable speaking with anyone over the phone, just an anxiety thing. Thank you, everyone, for the suggestions.
Your welcome, and you need to know we are doing this simply because we care about you Sarah :-)
Sarah if you want to talk further all you need to do is post and include your name. Just say, I’m Sarah and I need to talk, we’ll be right here, ok?
Or just come back to this same post and make an entry, we’ll see it and come to chat with you. You’re never alone hun while we’re here.
Here for you anytime. Just give me a shout. ((((HUGS))))…
Sarah.. I’m going to add you to my friends list and enable email, if you need to talk with someone just email me, I’ll send you the name and number of a trusted friend named Ellen, she’s an angel and a gifted woman, you’ll love her, I do..
Im off to bed, night guys, Same here Sarah always here if you need and ear xx ))))hugs :-)
My goodness, I cannot even believe I am back here. I decided to take a bath, and now here I am, nearly ready to slice my neck… it’s ridiculous what I have done to my body. I don’t know what to do. This guilt is eating me alive, yet I want to do it again… mm. I don’t even know how to throw the blades away or even put them down.
I’m still here Sarah, I knew you would return..
A bit pathetic, isn’t it?
Not really, emotions are stange things, we all have them and none of us ever really figure out how to deal with them..
barely invited 2 users to read this post 11 months, 3 weeks ago.
Oftentimes, I forget that I have emotions to deal with because cutting has replaced doing that for a long while.
Yanno there are other more positive ways to let the emotion out?
You may laugh at this but I actually have an open blade in front of me right now..
Yes, but sometimes I forget to use them. Sometimes, I think they are less useful… there are so many positive things I get out of cutting that I can just barely begin to fathom why it is considered “bad.”
That is quite ironic.
In a way I can relate to that. I’ve had so many bad things happen in my life that until I realized all the pain and anger, I couldn’t feel the really good stuff. For a while it just all ran together, goodbadgoodbadbadgood.. all rolled into one..
But I did learn a simple lesson through it all, want to know what it was?
Things in my life got so bad that I attempted suicide. I spent 30 days drugged up in a rehab unit listening to people preach to me. One person got through to me. I realized that I was my own worst enemy. I was letting all that the world could throw at me make me fear living and in my fear I would try to hurt myself. But the world was already hurting me, reality was already too much to deal with.
So I decided to change how I saw me. If the world was set to hurt me, I wasn’t going to win by adding to the hurt. I chose to stop hurting myself and try living for once. It was actually more painful than hurting myself..
Wow, how long ago was that?
That was 13 years ago. Actually 13 years and 2 months..
I realized that in hurting myself I was looking for the same escape I found in living, just on a different level.. I still have those thoughts of hurting myself, but they no longer carry the same weight or pain..
I have had small bursts of rationality from time to time, when I would have truly been able to appreciate what you wrote above… but instead, my mind is racing to contradict even single letter, trying to prove and justify my past and future actions.
Sarah.. pain is relative.. the world causes enough pain for everyone to bleed without the need for a blade.. you cut because you feel the need of the pain, it’s a fix we all have to have. But to live life the way it should be lived with fight and anger and bite marks, is even more of a pain, but the scars it leaves are called maturity and learning.. and they make you beautiful, not scarred..
But it’s not just the pain, it’s the beauty of it. The freedom, from a different perspective. It’s the control, the severe concentration of power that is so inspiring. That is is amazing… Each breath means more, occasionally, and then sometimes, each breath means nothing. The balance of extremes is what I live to play off of. With cutting, I have the power to alter my experience, to alter my sense of self.
And you think life itself doesn’t offer that in some way?
It does, and without the scars..
No, I do. But with cutting, I feel as if I can play the two off of one another. It’s my way of feeling manipulative, though slightly childishly. And really, the scars, where they are, it’s nothing I cannot hide for however long it takes for the majority to heal. And even if they never heal, then who cares? I don’t plan on ever having a husband or even a boyfriend… so there’s nothing to hide. It’s not that big of a deal.
Goodness, I feel so much better now.
You want that same adrenalin rush, jump from a plane at 14,000 feet..
So why no husband or boyfriend, are you lesbian or just a verified loner?
Not old enough.
I don’t particularly care for the adrenalin as much as the inspiration that I can draw from the entire experience. I don’t know, it’s odd… ever since I’ve had a few “psychotic episodes” things like that fascinate me.
Option B
Hi,
the caption of this paracraph captured my attention. i dont know if i’ll be any help but i can try.
I have been through alot, and i have been in your situation myself before. i had the habbit of cutting all the time, and i would qwear sleeves bracelets and such to cover the scars. one day in gym class my teacher had spotted my fresh scars, i was then sent down to the office and was then sent to the hospital where i has to stay considering i was a threat to myself. looking back i was horrified with the humiliation of how i ended up there.
When i returned home and felt the urge to cut i then looked back at my old scars and remembered how awful my experience was. i never wanted to go through it again.
Even before cutting i had been seeing a privite therapist for some other problems i had been having, i finally told her what i was doing and assured her i was not a threat to myself she suggested some ideas to help me out such as said before, holding ice, snapping an elastic band on cutting areas anything to take my mind off it.
I noticed you said you weren’t sure if you wanted to stop. i can say that you not going to be able to stop untill you absolutely WANT to stop.
i had seen many therapists i hated, i didnt get help untill i found someone i liked.
maybe you should try to find a professional tTHAT YOU LIKE, to help you out, its completely annonymous.
goodluck.
Bye Sarah.. you know how to reach me if needed…
Yanno Sarah.. I almost died before I finally grew up.. Please grow up before the same thing happens to you..
Just wanted to say that I’m finally working towards trying to get some help.
I’m very, very glad to hear this Sarah. Your story really hits close to home with me, and I sincerely wish you the best.
Recovery really is worth the effort and hassle, and the openness and honesty it requires can make you a healthier and happier person in the long run. I know my wife has taught me many lessons from her struggles with depression that have deepened and expanded my understanding of myself and my relationships with other people. Although I wouldn’t wish the pain that you have expressed on anyone, know that the skills you learn in recovery will be an advantage over many people who go through their lives without ever reaching a crises. It is kind of like having a terrible infection, and then being treated with antibiotics that also kill off a bunch of other infections that you didn’t even realize were bothering you. Even when things are difficult, believe me that you can hang on and make it to the happier times if you stay open and honest. Don’t let fear keep you from sharing your difficulties, and they will lose power over you.
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