I grew up in foster care. And while I’ll admit a lot of foster parents go into it for the money, there are lots more who do not. People who open their homes to complete strangers who often have multiple psychological and medical problems and arrive without a stitch of clothing or a single toy.
You don’t hear about the “good” ones, because they aren’t news. They’re doing what they’re supposed to do, and that doesn’t sell newspapers.
Try to remember that for every one kid you read about who’s suffering or has been injured, there are a hundred in homes across the state who are enjoying better lives because they are being cared for by people who really do want what is best for them, and are able & willing to provide it.
Dragon_Lady wrote:
I grew up in foster care. And while I’ll admit a lot of foster parents go into it for the money, there are lots more who do not. People who open their homes to complete strangers who often have multiple psychological and medical problems and arrive without a stitch of clothing or a single toy.You don’t hear about the “good” ones, because they aren’t news. They’re doing what they’re supposed to do, and that doesn’t sell newspapers.Try to remember that for every one kid you read about who’s suffering or has been injured, there are a hundred in homes across the state who are enjoying better lives because they are being cared for by people who really do want what is best for them, and are able & willing to provide it.
That is wonderful… thank you for posting that… it’s so sad to hear about the tragedy that occurs in foster homes sometimes… it’s great to hear that there are just as many great foster parents that are able to change the childrens’ lives for the better… I’m really glad that you had such a great experience in foster care… if they will let single women be foster mothers then I am going to see what I have to do to become a foster parent and give them a new start at life and a heart full of love.
My last two foster mothers were both single women. :)
Dragon_Lady wrote:
My last two foster mothers were both single women. :)
That is GREAT news… do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?
Why did you have more than one foster parent… can one parent continue to foster the same child as long as that child is in foster care? I’m sorry if these questions are personal… I just would like to be able to be a foster parent to the same child as long as possible
Dragon_Lady wrote:
Nope. Fire away.
GstGrl wrote:
Why did you have more than one foster parent… can one parent continue to foster the same child as long as that child is in foster care? I’m sorry if these questions are personal… I just would like to be able to be a foster parent to the same child as long as possible
Sorry if my question was too invasive… I didn’t mean for it to be…
Long story.
Very often, foster parents can only take a kid for a limited amount of time. Sometimes, they’re own lives just don’t allow for long committments, sometimes they only take kids of certain ages, sometimes the kids go home, then return to foster care but by that time the home is already full with other kids. It’s a complicated -and sometimes- messy situation. The whole system often suffers from too many cooks, and that can end up with kids being shuffled from one home to another.
Also, kids have often been through so much abuse they instantly start pushing the foster parents -they’ve seen one person blow, and they’re always wondering when this new person will, too. That can be very difficult to deal with.
But, yes, sometimes kids enter a single home, and stay ’till there they’re grown.
Thank you very much for sharing that with me… I would love to be able to keep a child or children until they go home or until they become adults… I have a daughter that will be 4 next month and I would love to be able to take in at least one foster child that is a baby or toddler so I can be with them as they grow up and be there for them through anything and everything they go through… good or bad… nothing they could do would make me want to give them up, I’ll just work harder.
Thank you again for all of the great information, I really appreciate it!!!!! :-)
Dragon_Lady wrote:
Long story.Very often, foster parents can only take a kid for a limited amount of time. Sometimes, they’re own lives just don’t allow for long committments, sometimes they only take kids of certain ages, sometimes the kids go home, then return to foster care but by that time the home is already full with other kids. It’s a complicated -and sometimes- messy situation. The whole system often suffers from too many cooks, and that can end up with kids being shuffled from one home to another. Also, kids have often been through so much abuse they instantly start pushing the foster parents -they’ve seen one person blow, and they’re always wondering when this new person will, too. That can be very difficult to deal with.But, yes, sometimes kids enter a single home, and stay ’till there they’re grown.
Dragon_Lady wrote:
Long story.Very often, foster parents can only take a kid for a limited amount of time. Sometimes, they’re own lives just don’t allow for long committments, sometimes they only take kids of certain ages, sometimes the kids go home, then return to foster care but by that time the home is already full with other kids. It’s a complicated -and sometimes- messy situation. The whole system often suffers from too many cooks, and that can end up with kids being shuffled from one home to another. Also, kids have often been through so much abuse they instantly start pushing the foster parents -they’ve seen one person blow, and they’re always wondering when this new person will, too. That can be very difficult to deal with.But, yes, sometimes kids enter a single home, and stay ’till there they’re grown.
GstGrl wrote:
Thank you very much for sharing that with me… I would love to be able to keep a child or children until they go home or until they become adults… I have a daughter that will be 4 next month and I would love to be able to take in at least one foster child that is a baby or toddler so I can be with them as they grow up and be there for them through anything and everything they go through… good or bad… nothing they could do would make me want to give them up, I’ll just work harder.Thank you again for all of the great information, I really appreciate it!!!!! :-)
GstGrl wrote:
Thank you very much for sharing that with me… I would love to be able to keep a child or children until they go home or until they become adults… I have a daughter that will be 4 next month and I would love to be able to take in at least one foster child that is a baby or toddler so I can be with them as they grow up and be there for them through anything and everything they go through… good or bad… nothing they could do would make me want to give them up, I’ll just work harder.Thank you again for all of the great information, I really appreciate it!!!!! :-)
oops, sorry, the system went crazy on that post
No problem. :)
And by the way, kudos for being willing to explore doing this. I guarantee there are children who will thank you. It may not be ’till years after they’re grown, as they often see being taken away by the state just the same way they would see being kidnapped -and you’re one of the kidnappers.
Just take a deep breath, and try to remember that even abused kids love their parents, that you can’t replace their parents, and that it can be a thankless job.
Once they’re grown, they’ll see the truth of it. They’ll see who did what, who was where, and remember who picked up the pieces when they needed someone.
Dragon_Lady wrote:
No problem. :)And by the way, kudos for being willing to explore doing this. I guarantee there are children who will thank you. It may not be ’till years after they’re grown, as they often see being taken away by the state just the same way they would see being kidnapped -and you’re one of the kidnappers.Just take a deep breath, and try to remember that even abused kids love their parents, that you can’t replace their parents, and that it can be a thankless job. Once they’re grown, they’ll see the truth of it. They’ll see who did what, who was where, and remember who picked up the pieces when they needed someone.
I never thought of it like that… as kidnappers… that’s very sad… and true.
I just want to be able to give a child a home and let them know that I care and will always be there no matter where life takes them… it’s fine that it’s a thankless job because I just want to see a smile on a kid’s face that doesn’t really get to do that much… do homework with them and see what they learned in school… Children deserve happiness, they should never have to be scared at home…
I used to volunteer at the Juvenile Center and I would go home crying every day because I wanted to take all the kids home… their stories broke my heart… everybody needs somebody to care about them. I will never forget this one girl that was there for almost the entire year that I volunteered and the first day she threw a basketball at my head… her mother told her that she doesn’t want her and her father won’t let her live with him… she was the one that all the people in the center hated and she was the one that I gravitated to… I thought about asking if I could foster her because she just needed positive attention and somebody to listen to her… I noticed a difference in her between that time frame, she was a good kid with so many people telling her she was nothing that she ended up believing it herself. It’s so sad… one person can’t change the world but they can lend a shoulder, ear and heart to everybody.
Just tell the kids that you have no control over whether or not they’re in foster care, and no control over whether or not they get to go home. Just tell them the truth -that you love kids, that you want them to have good futures and that you’ll care about them as much and as well as you can. Then, do it. They’ve all been told. They haven’t been shown. And that’s what puts the ‘parent’ in foster parenting. :)
Dragon_Lady wrote:
Just tell the kids that you have no control over whether or not they’re in foster care, and no control over whether or not they get to go home. Just tell them the truth -that you love kids, that you want them to have good futures and that you’ll care about them as much and as well as you can. Then, do it. They’ve all been told. They haven’t been shown. And that’s what puts the ‘parent’ in foster parenting. :)
That is a perfect explaination… “They’ve all been told. They haven’t been shown. And that’s what puts the ‘parent’ in foster parenting. :)”… thank you so much for taking the time to explain all of this to me and answer my question… I really appreciate you!!!!! :-) I can’t thank you enough… you really helped me… in the time that we have been messaging, I found the DCF site for my state and sent an email to the person to contact for my county to start the process.
You are so very welcome. ;) Let me know how it works out for you. :)
I will definitely do that… thank you!!! :-)
I know exactly what you mean. However, what irks me, is the mix-ups that occur.
I was in foster care myself, and had my fair share of finding out they weren’t exactly “helping” kids with a loving home/family, but there was one particular one that I still swear to this day were absolute treasures.
They did everything a normal family should do. If there was misbehaving, if there was any problems within one sector of the household, we would all sit around and just talk around a solution. Talk! That’s more than any other family I ever had did, including my own parents. They gave the same love, but weren’t overbearing, they had boundaries, and they had and also taught respect.
They were new foster parents, had only just been cleared of their training and background checks about a month or two before I went to stay with them. A foster kid I had shared other placements with, was there just before me. He was a troublemaker. Not that I should speak ill of him nowdays (he passed away at 15 from being hit by a truck) but he really was a trouble kid. Though, that’s not all hit fault. He had an extremely tough up-bringing. His parents (in-cluding his step-dad) were abusive and so the only way he could communicate was through violence, or through making mischief.
Anyway, a particular weekend, he came back from a weekend visit with him mom and step-father, bruised, beaten, and it showing all over his face. It was Sunday, and in the Australian “duty of care” policy that the department has, it has to be reported when a child stays away from the foster home for a night (friends, family, etc…it’s just a safety thing so they know where you are in case something happens) Anyway, he wanted to stay another night, after they’d just beaten the tarp out of him. Not only was the department’s office closed for the night so his worker wasn’t aware, but it was obviously too darn dangrous.
So he took off out of the house in a huff, we didn’t know what else to do, and his family left satisfied that he might as well stay for another night. The next morning, he rang the department, and put a complaint in that our foster parents beat him and us, and that they grew marijuana within the house. (Bullcrap, I assure you.) I was told when the news reached that they’d be investigated, and we were all worried what would happen. It was almost Christmas, and I for the first time actually was looking forward to having a decent family setting for one.
So with this on our shoulders, we got wind about 3 weeks later when some social workers came to speak with them, I was being taken away (I’d only been there about 2 months) that visit, and I wouldn’t be coming back. They were being stripped of their titles and could no longer be foster parents. It was heartbreaking as hell for all of us. I was in tears and I had to pack up everything within that hour and leave when 2 hours beforehand, I had no clue. I haven’t seen them since apart from a few phonecalls, though I got into contact with their niece a few months back and they’re no longer. together (the parents I mean). I left with all my stuff that day, and was shipped out to be in the middle of nowhere with abusive foster parents (but did they listen to me when *I* complained? Nope, of course not, I’m not that lucky.)
My point is, what annoys ME about the system, is that they listen to someone who is KNOWN for that kind of track record of causing issues, and when it’s KNOWN his parents are abusive with physical proof, yet everyone else gets ignored and has to put up with it, when two innocent people and possibly the best foster parents this country ever had, don’t even get the right to do something positive on their part.
I miss those parents, and the only thing I have left from that is the PJ nightie/robe set they gave me for Christmas morning (though I was 14 back then, it still fits me now. Heh). It’s reminiscing on that, that sometimes makes me sort of glad he’s dead. Cruel I know, but he destroyed that for me, and I have a problem with holding grudges when people do that.
So yeah, if you’re a foster parent with good ideals and good intentions, hold onto it. Because those kids will look back one day and still remember what you did for them. Just be aware that the system is full of tricks and twists, and as a new foster parent, you WILL be under tight scrutiny. Then again, I’m not sure that works the same in the U.S.
~Grace~ wrote:
I know exactly what you mean. However, what irks me, is the mix-ups that occur.
I was in foster care myself, and had my fair share of finding out they weren’t exactly “helping” kids with a loving home/family, but there was one particular one that I still swear to this day were absolute treasures.
You really made me cry… I’m sorry you had to go through so much and found the family that you were comfortable with only to be taken from them after 2 short months. That is such a sad story… it’s sad to hear about the boy that was a “troublemaker” too… I believe that everybody has good in them but some people develop such a hard shell that it’s hard to get through… I really hope that the system will be very strict and change the rules to be in favor of the children instead of the abusers… it is so sad that, like you stated, you had to go live with abusive foster parents and nobody listened when you told them what was going on… that just isn’t right!!!
Thank you for sharing your story with me… I really want to make it so at least one child can grow up smiling, laughing and just being happy and safe… every child should smile and feel safe at home, that’s what a home should be at the very least, a place where you feel safe. Like I told Dragon_Lady, I went to the website for DCF in my state and sent a message to the worker for my county on how to get started with the application and qualification process.
Well, I do sincerely wish you the best of luck. You are doing an amazing thing, and I commend you for having such a warm and caring heart. I’m sure others will applaud you just the same.
I would love to know how it goes. :)
I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences, Grace. I know the foster system has many holes and pitfalls, and that some very unscrupulous people take advantage of them just to line their own pockets.
But overall, most of the people who sign up to be foster parents do have their hearts in the right place. It’s those we need to keep our eyes on, and try to do as they do, so the whole system will benefit.
~Grace~ wrote:
Well, I do sincerely wish you the best of luck. You are doing an amazing thing, and I commend you for having such a warm and caring heart. I’m sure others will applaud you just the same.I would love to know how it goes. :)
Thank you very much… I just have a passion for helping people, especially children, it’s something that I really want to do… I’m not looking for applause or anything from anybody, I want to do it for the kids, nobody else. I’m so sorry about what you had to go through and I want to be able to give a child a safe place to go so they can be a kid instead of fearful for their life.
Take care and I will definitely keep you informed!! :-)
Dragon_Lady wrote:
GstGrl, here’s a foster care success story you may enjoy reading. :)
http://help.com/post/163022-i-hate-my…
Thank you for the thought but I don’t think that was the correct story… this girl’s stepfather was beating her and her mother… it was very sad.
Yes; that’s the right one. I wanted you to see first hand that kids that have to enter the system really can -and often do- benefit, even though it’s not always easy.
BTW…I don’t think they actually went to a foster home, but they were involved with the same agency and the whole family received support services.
oh, that’s great… that sounded like a really bad situation… I’m glad they got help with their abusive situation… I hope her step-father is completely out of the picture now with no chance of him coming after them.
I grew up in great foster homes :) I was never abused in any of them…. Now i am a foster mother, i dont beat my foster kids??????????
oh and about the money part i as a foster parent end up having to pay out more for my foster baby than what they give me to care for the baby. I understand what you are saying but all the foster parents arent in it for the money some of us just love to be with children :)
I appologize Nicole… I wasn’t trying to say that every foster parent is abusive and only does it for the money… I know there are great ones, but unfortunately they don’t make the news… there are so many cases that are horrible… my friend that I wrote about in my post’s mother gave her up for drugs and the lady who ended up adopting her 8 years later made her and her 2 siblings take depression drugs to get more money, she didn’t care… I’m glad, however, that you were in great homes and that you give a great home to another foster child and pay it forward… that is a beautiful thing. I have a 4 year old biological daughter and I can’t imagine ever getting so upset that I would spank her or do any other type of harm… the worst thing I do is yell at her.
Take care! :-)
Dragon_Lady
~Grace~
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