Love help: I’m afraid my husband is going to do something awful. - Help.com

He needs therapy

Okay, see, that wasn’t actually my question. Therapy, sure, yeah yeah, as soon as he decides it’s not going to kill him. But in the meantime, what the hell can I do for him? Do I fight him, do I insist on things, do I handle him with kid gloves?

I think he is getting tired of being Mr. Mom. What do you do for a living that he has to stay at home?

It sounds like your husband is suffering from depression.

This often manifests its-self in anger/paranoia and agression, I would try and get him to your G.P as soon as possible.

He obviously also has self-esteem issues that need to be worked through. It takes aspecial sort of man to stay at home with the children, many find it emasculating and despite their good intentions,end up resenting their partner and children.

I would be fairly insistent with him on seeing a G.P. If things are left he will in all probability get a lot worse,and may end up doing himself or god forbid you or your kids harm.

I speak from experience

Good Luck.

Your husband is severely depressed. Your problem is that he doesn’t think he has a problem, he thinks that everyone else has the problem and that he is fine. That is VERY VERY dangerous. It is not uncommon to get angry when you are depressed. In my evaluation for my psychologist, she asked me if I’ve ever thought about killing myself, which I had no problem answering. She also, asked me if I had thought about killing other people when I was angry, and I was ashamed to admit that I had. She explained to me that it’s not unusual to project my anger on other people even if I don’t intend to act on it. Throwing chairs is dangerous though. I think you need to get a separation and move away for a little while. I can see that you love him and that you are doing the right thing by seeking help. However, he has to want the help. I have had anger fits too and have punched holes in my wall. It isn’t healthy, and you need to get away from him ASAP. He doesn’t sound logical at all. I realized that I was angry all the time and that the whole world couldn’t possibly be wrong. It had to be me. It seems he has the opposite problem.

He is seeing you as usurping his position as the breadwinner of the family and maybe that is not sitting to well with him. But, how long has he been Mr. Mom?

Your husband needs help for depression. In the meantime, there isn’t anything you can do to change another person, but you can offer him some support, which he may or may not decide to accept. He sounds very frustrated by something, to the point that he thinks about killing himself or someone else. Although you can’t “make” him happy any more than you can “make” him be angry, you can express your concern for him, and to tell him that you don’t want him to be unhappy.

One key verbal technique for dealing with someone who is adversarial and defensive is to “stay on your own side of the fence” when you talk to him. This means that instead of saying something like “You get angry at me all the time”, which is a statement about him and will lead him to defend his actions, you can say something about your experience, such as “I get scared when you yell at me.” You do not need to pass any judgement on his actions — just tell him how it affects you. If he responds with something that sounds attacking, such as “You never listen to me”, avoid falling into the trap of being defensive and instead ask him about his side of the topic. For example, you might say “What do you think about when someone isn’t listening to you?”, or “Do you feel angry when someone isn’t listening?”. You might know better what questions to ask your husband.

A big issue if he is a stay at home dad is the lack of continous challenging conversation. So how many in depth discussions can you have with a child that will allow you to consider the views of another? He needs to be in therapy first and foremost, and needs to move from thinking like a child back to thinking like an adult.

Thank you, these replies have been very helpful. As far as his Mr. Mom situation goes, he and I both used to work before we had our kids. After my oldest was born, I worked part-time and he worked part-time so that one of us could always be home with her. Gradually, I worked my way up in my career while he seemed to just be running on empty. I was offered a full-time job that paid extremely well, so we made the decision to do the “role reversal” thing. For a really long time, this has worked out VERY well. He’s always been excellent with the kids, and great at keeping house. These problems have really only gotten this bad since we moved almost a year ago.

Did he have some friends who he left behind when you moved? Maybe a visit with some of them would be helpful. It is really hard to make new friends in a new place when you are staying at home, and isolation is one of the key contributers to depression.

His actions as you describe him seem more like a 6 yr old that can’t make an adult understand him and therefore throws a temper tantrum. I think therapy would help but you may have to put your foot down to force him to seek help.

TJ makes a good point, is he feeling isolated by the move?

Then you need to get to a counselor, a professional who can help him sort out his anger issues and feelings of depression. That is going to be the most important issue for you and him to take care of. You don’t want a depressed person with the children alone, he may become totally unpredictable as to what he might do. It’s so very important that he gets help. And, with your support (God bless you), he can be himself again. But, if he needs medication to control his anger issues, then make sure he gets it and PRONTO! Don’t delay!

What i would do in your situation if i want things not to get worse and eventually turn it into a happy solution, regardless of who is right or wrong now, is to acknowledge to him that you understand that he is uncomfortable and that you are in disposition to work it out together as a family. You need to agree with him on something even if you bring the topic your self. He also needs a break from home duty, so he remembers himself and regain hope. You are his must valuable Help, don’t deny it, and he needs you although his actions don’t show it, he will cure himself if you make him feel confident, but do it slowly. Therapy is after your first step.
Good luck.

If you actually think he might be homicidal, you should move your children out of there. This is not a risk that you should take.

mmesames - Thank you so much! This is the kind of advice I was hoping for. Therapy is definitely an option, but I want us to begin healing as a family first. In my experience, one person going to therapy while there’s still a whole lot of dissension between us only widens the chasm.

Couples counseling or marriage counseling is probably a good idea in addition to counseling for him personally. Healing as a family is definitely a key idea here, but you don’t need to do it by yourself. Having the help of a professional who is familiar with similar situations can make the healing process go a lot faster.

You are going to have to watch your choice of words as you communicate with him also. Sentences should begin with an “I”, like I need to talk, I feel this way, I want you to understand how this makes me feel. No sentences that begin with “you”, or “if” these are the ones that create a defensive posture. You want to defuse any anger before it starts, and you’ll need to paraphrase his responses to you back to him to show him you are listening and that you understand.

It seems this isn’t a question of who is right or wrong as much as it’s a view in his mind of a breakdown in communications, ie: no one listns, you’re wrong, etc.. Don’t force a point to prove you’re right even if you are, listen to his side and understand why he thinks he’s right.

This man’s problems are too much of a liability for you and the kids. At least -the very least- the kids nned to be away from him. You cannot take the smallest chance that one of them will MAKE him angry and he will MAKE them pay…. You must protect them.

He needs therapy, but as long as doesn’t see the problem, he will never get it. Your only chance is to wake him up the hard way -by leaving. When he comes through the empty door, his brain will go into hyperdrive, and he just may learn something.

Or, he may suicide. I won’t sugar coat it and claim he won’t. But you won’t be responsible for his lousy decisions, and the rest of you will be safe.

I’m with Dragon Lady. We don’t want to be seeing you and your kids on the Nancy Grace Show.

well u no that .. old men do that they talk alot and think they no everything , but heyy do u guys still go to church ? talk to him about it , and say i respect u and i love you , and the anger in front of our children is intolerent or something like that , or maybe u should go c a therapist =]
goodluckk x

Dragon_Lady wrote:
This man’s problems are too much of a liability for you and the kids. At least -the very least- the kids nned to be away from him. You cannot take the smallest chance that one of them will MAKE him angry and he will MAKE them pay…. You must protect them.

He needs therapy, but as long as doesn’t see the problem, he will never get it. Your only chance is to wake him up the hard way -by leaving. When he comes through the empty door, his brain will go into hyperdrive, and he just may learn something.

Or, he may suicide. I won’t sugar coat it and claim he won’t. But you won’t be responsible for his lousy decisions, and the rest of you will be safe.

don’t do that! listen to what
mmesames was saying. and to i think that the best way to start that off is to go on vacation. to a nice relaxing, fun place. like hawiyi (i can’t spell it). i know that money is a problem factor for everyone right now, but i think its worth it. don’t leave him alone to kill himself, becuase even if it makes you and your children safer you’ll still lose him, and your kids will still lose their dad. i think a fun family vacation would help a lot, go to disny land or something. make sure your gone for at least a week. just some time to get away from it all you know? away from whatever is cuaseing him so much stress. its not you and the kids becuase he was once happy and content with you guys. so… yeah go on vacation! and then continue with what mmesames was saying. hope things turn out ok!

Sasuke Chibi wrote:

Dragon_Lady wrote:
This man’s problems are too much of a liability for you and the kids. At least -the very least- the kids nned to be away from him. You cannot take the smallest chance that one of them will MAKE him angry and he will MAKE them pay…. You must protect them.

He needs therapy, but as long as doesn’t see the problem, he will never get it. Your only chance is to wake him up the hard way -by leaving. When he comes through the empty door, his brain will go into hyperdrive, and he just may learn something.

Or, he may suicide. I won’t sugar coat it and claim he won’t. But you won’t be responsible for his lousy decisions, and the rest of you will be safe.

don’t do that! listen to what
mmesames was saying. and to i think that the best way to start that off is to go on vacation. to a nice relaxing, fun place. like hawiyi (i can’t spell it). i know that money is a problem factor for everyone right now, but i think its worth it. don’t leave him alone to kill himself, becuase even if it makes you and your children safer you’ll still lose him, and your kids will still lose their dad. i think a fun family vacation would help a lot, go to disny land or something. make sure your gone for at least a week. just some time to get away from it all you know? away from whatever is cuaseing him so much stress. its not you and the kids becuase he was once happy and content with you guys. so… yeah go on vacation! and then continue with what mmesames was saying. hope things turn out ok!

Hawaii*

I disagree with that advice. Happiness comes from inside, not a vacation. If he is miserable at home, he’ll just take his misery on the road with him. I say you should move out for a while while still calling to make sure he is doing okay. By staying you might be enabling him.

my dad is like that. but he works so i dont know about how working has anything to do with it. agree with him sometimes, like half the time, even if u dont,avoid the argument. maybe get a babysitter and tell him to go out with his freinds 1 to 2 times a week. how old is your oldest maybe he or she can watch the rest while dad takes some time off every know and then?

What if he’d gone back to work? YOu both would make enough money to afford a daycare or babysitting? He needs to get away from being mom, he needs to feel important and as the protector of all of you. Can’t you network him to have an interview and to start working? He feels useless, though he is not. What about bonding time with him alone? When was the last time you both had a date? Making him feel loved and nurtured? He would be different if he’d worked. I am sure you can afford it now. How old is your oldest? Soon she will start school right? It is time for him to go back to work and to feel he is contributing.

Let me make myself clear: I think he’s using threats of suicide to blackmail you and the kids.

I think he’s pissed, paranoid, depressed and dangerous. I think he’s looking to everyone else to solve his problems, and punishing everyone for failing.

I don’t really think he’ll suicide, because that will require work, and he wants everyone else to do FOR him and TO him so he can gripe that it’s not enough or not right or not hot enough or not _______ (fill in the blank) for him.

But if he does, your children shouldn’t be anywhere on the city block. The chances he will take one of them -or you- with him are just unacceptable. You cannot gamble with your children. You cannot hide behind “maybe everything will be fine.” Maybe it will. Maybe you’ll be dead. This is not an experiement to make on your children.

Leave him. Taking him somewhere else will just increase the stress, because he’ll be dealing with people and places he doesn’t know, all the headaches of travel, and bringing his problems with anyway.

Leave him. Give him the opportunity to do the adult thing and begin working on his problems so both of you have a chance.

I truly respect dragon_lady’s views but I have to disagree on that he wants everyone else to do for him etc. Someone dear to me had been through the same thing as this lady’s husband and I never for one second thought he was dangerous. He was depressed because he didn’t work and felt worthless of not doing “anything” though he did a lot. It got worse to the point he just left to find work without luck. I wouldn’t leave a person who needs love and help the most. He needs to feel people love him and care about him even when he is temperamental. It is not him right now who does all that, this lady said it started a year ago so it is really out of his character. He needs help because he is depressed because he is not working and feels useless. He needs to go back to work, do anything to feel again he is contributing.

How about you have him post on help.com so we can get his side also. That might bring to light some things that we all might be missing. Is that possible?

Beatricegalant, I don’t think she should she just abandon him and move to Missouri or something. I just think she should take the kids elsewhere, for their own safety.

By all means, work with him to fix the troubles. But do it from a distance so if he implodes the rest of the family will be safe.

Alright well hi i am 19 years old and m dad was going thrugh the same exact thing when i was 9. He went from a loving caring father to just n fact crazy! he also grew an alcohol problem and started yelling and he would getmad for everything and anything and there was absolutely no way anyone could beat him in an argument. My family has been christian from birth and well church really did help my dad but only for the weekends? on the weekdays he went back to his normal self? well anyways my question for you is, Do you guys have communication? if yes then somone isnt opening up their entire self. well what we did is we had to get professional hep? we went and saw a psychiatrist and ever since 13 years old my dad has really changed? we now make fun of when he yells?? and its pretty funny? but any ways go see a psychiatrist? or if you are really into your church then talk to one of our pastors or church leaders they should give you lots of help! well any ways goodluck:”)

I am not in your situation but i do have an aunt which takes paranoid to a whole new level, i think it is quite ridiclious, but maybe it is best to make him have an occupation instead of just staying home make him go to school even one class a week such as psychology or sociology make him go to school or make him get a part time job to occupy his time, being at home and being a “man” might make him feel inadequate i know that my uncle feels frustrated and angry when he stays home too ofter thats why he started to go to school to occupy his time and recently got a job although its far he goes and it has changed him in a very good way

I was in a very similar situation years ago, and I’m not sorry to say that we divorced. When I look back, I wish that I would have gotten help sooner. My husband was narcissistic, and still is. We are Christians too, and stayed together for 14 years until I couldn’t take it anymore. I know you think God wants you to stay together, but if your husband is desrespectful to you, condiscending, a danger to you and your children, don’t you think God is wondering why you are putting your family in danger? Don’t wait until it is too late. I can garauntee that he is drinking when he is taking care of the kids. Staying at home to raise the children is an admirable job, especially nowadays. But you have to live with criticism by all of those who believe that it is a lazy choice. People can be very cruel about this, I know personally. For a man it is double. Our society just cannot accept it as a “manly” profession. First, you should encourage him to get a job outside the home, for the kids sake. Being in an angry environment daily for children of any age, is a horrible way to bring them up. They should look at “home” as a safe and loving place to be and to come home to. The best thing I did was make apppointments with our pastor and then a christian marraige counselor. It was the first time he actually listened to someone elses opinion about himself. He only had respect for them because of their faith. He thinks anyone else has no clue about life. Of course he made sure to tell me for years that I was wrong (about everything), I wouldn’t understand because I wasn’t at his level of intelligence, and everything was my fault. By the time I got to the counselor, it was me who was in a depression from being made to feel so wrong and useless by him. The counselor started taking use separately in the beginning, and then together. She told him flat out how ridiculous and hurtful he was being. She told me I was being emotionally abused and shouldn’t take it anymore. That was the first time I saw a humble look on his face. He continued to get help, but by then it was just to late for me to continue putting myself and my children through his craziness. Don’t sit back and wait for something miraculous to happen…YOU have to make the changes happen. Tell him that it is you that needs help, and would he please come along to help and support you and your marraige. If you tell him he is the one that needs help, he will never get it! Good Luck and God Bless. I’ll be praying for you!

What a great message, missp. I admire your strength in moving past this difficult situation in your life, as well as your generosity in sharing your wisdom with Anon. I hope she is able to benefit from your experience.

Good luck to both of you.

Thank you theresape! Very kind of you!

Hello all. I considered everyone’s words yesterday (not including the messages from today), and prayed for a long time about it. By the time I arrived home, I knew that I had to be what my old therapist called “one half of the relationship I want.” I remembered a time - recently - when I was seriously depressed, and I decided that I would give him the attention that I wanted him to give me but couldn’t ask for. I asked him about his day, I listened, repeating things back to him to make sure I understood them, and I stopped myself from rattling on about things I knew he wouldn’t be interested in. He seemed genuinely surprised, and as a result, he invited me to cook dinner with him. We ate with the kids, put them to bed together, and watched a movie. We had a really good night. I know that every night won’t be like this, but at least it’s a start. Also, he didn’t have a drop to drink.

Also, I appreciate those who have spoken in favor of the apparently unpopular idea of sticking with him during this time. I’m reminded of a phrase I heard once, where was it I heard that…”For better or for worse, in sickness and in health”? Can anyone tell me where I might have heard that. Seems like it might have been important, as well as relevant. I assure you I am neither stupid nor blinded by love for him. I just know how it feels to want to explode and destroy and rage all the time, and if everyone had just packed up and left me during that time, I would absolutely, without a doubt, have killed myself. No question. I know you all think it’s stupid that I would “risk my children’s safety” by continuing to let their father take care of them, but 1) I truly believe that he will not do anything to hurt them, and 2) I don’t want to show them, the way I was shown by my four-time-divorcee mother, that we don’t stick around and help the people we love when they need us. He needs us, he does not need to be alone.

…”For better or for worse, in sickness and in health”?

Ah, yes….

Words written by the daddies of daughters in a tiny desert culture where the life expectancy was zip, where women were chattel, and men had multiple lives. I know we said no Christian bashing, and I’m not, but…relevance is important. And times have changed. Back then, a man wanted to KNOW his daughter would be cared for all her life, not just ’till she got too old to rock the tent and make babies.

It doesn’t mean “Till you work yourself to death to make him happy.”
It doesn’t mena “Till he kills you.”

I never advocated divorcing him. But that taking the children someplace they would be safe while he works out his anger issues is not only the right thing to do, but -surprise- also the Christian thing to do. No child deserves to be told they are MAKING Daddy angry just by being a kid. He needs to grow up, and until he does there’s a real danger they won’t have a chance to.

Dragon_Lady wrote:
…”For better or for worse, in sickness and in health”?

Ah, yes….

Words written by the daddies of daughters in a tiny desert culture where the life expectancy was zip, where women were chattel, and men had multiple lives. I know we said no Christian bashing, and I’m not, but…relevance is important. And times have changed. Back then, a man wanted to KNOW his daughter would be cared for all her life, not just ’till she got too old to rock the tent and make babies.

It doesn’t mean “Till you work yourself to death to make him happy.”
It doesn’t mena “Till he kills you.”

I never advocated divorcing him. But that taking the children someplace they would be safe while he works out his anger issues is not only the right thing to do, but -surprise- also the Christian thing to do. No child deserves to be told they are MAKING Daddy angry just by being a kid. He needs to grow up, and until he does there’s a real danger they won’t have a chance to.

Anon, I wasn’t advocating divorce either. Just getting yourself and children to safety. And the fact that you don’t “believe” he would hurt the children is in itself a gamble.

Good luck though.

I’m glad things are going better for you. It really made me feel good to read the first paragraph of your letter.

As for the second paragraph, obviously if you can keep your family together safely, that’s the ideal.

ONLY YOU know how serious you were when you talked about how he berated the kids, and when you expressed a fear that he would become homicidal. If those observations were realistic, then it’s absolutely your RESPONSIBILITY to get those children away from him and to a safe place where they will not be abused physically or emotionally. If, on the other hand, you were speaking hyperbolically, just adding a good o’ touch of melodrama to your plea for advice, then by all means do your best to see this marriage through to the finish.

Me, I stuck with a marriage that many people urged me to end, but the situation was different. I was just emotionally dissatisfied, and my husband simply crabby and morose in those days—we were something of a mismatch intellectually and in terms of achievement levels. No one was sharpening a butcher’s knife, as it were. Now, in our “senior” years, we are glad we stayed together. I can’t say that I NEVER regret having not had the chance to explore a more fulfilling partnership, but on the whole I think I made the right choice. I have learned to love and enjoy my husband for the good traits he has, and not to worry about the ones I WISH he had.

Good luck to you–and bravo for trying to help your man, instead of abandon him to his depression. Just PROMISE YOURSELF that you won’t put your kids in physical or emotional danger, if it comes to that. As I said before, we don’t want to see you all on the Nancy Grace show.

Let me make it clear. I didn’t exaggerate anything, but I did leave out that just a few months ago I was doing the EXACT same thing - threatening lives, screaming in rage for no reason, drinking to excess, claiming that nobody could ever care about me. In fact, I was worse. I might have actually caused harm had he not been bigger and stronger, and therefore able to physically restrain me. I was not myself, and I was a real danger to my family. I even asked him, begged him to take the kids and leave, and he didn’t. If he had, I may never have recovered. That said, I’m willing to give it a little more time before I decide to leave. “For better or for worse” might be an old-fashioned idea when you look at it from that perspective, but for me it means one thing and one thing only: You don’t bail out when it gets hard. This is hard, but it’s not impossible. If I leave, it will be because nothing else worked.

Also, I didn’t say that I was afraid my husband would kill someone. I said that HE was afraid he would kill someone. In fact, I said that I wasn’t afraid of what he could do. The reason for my post title is that I’m afraid he’s going to hurt himself.

I appreciate your support and all of your words of advice, even if I disagree with some of them. I just wanted some feedback from people who don’t know us, and I think I got what I needed. Thank you.

Your husband obvioulsy is depressed. He is probably tired of being at home and beign Mr. Mom. Therapy would help A LOT. Try being at home more and giving him space. YOu guys need a major talk, at first don’t bring up the anger issues start talking anout something casual and then say “I’ve been noticing that…”. Go on a nice romantic date, just the 2 of you. It’ll feel just like the good old days, when you guys just started to date. Help him like he helped you. Also look into a family therapy. Also talk to your kids.
GOOD LUCK!!!
-Angie

I know this might sound weird but are you close with your children. Cause say your husbands close and say you kinda are, switch let him go work and you stay home and bond that way your all close he’ll be able to relax and cool off you know I’m sorry If am not any help but you guys need to sit together you know see if you can get close to him show him you love him and your there he might feel lonely like he might want you or just a break from the same routine cause I know how it feels to always be at home and watching children when my dad would leave he would leave me in charge of watching my lil sister while my mom was out side and she never sit still and I was always stuck doing that I know I got tired but again I’m really sorry If am of no help but I do hope I did help =)

Like I said earlier, if it would be workable and you can afford it, why don’t you suggest to him to go back to work? That would definitely fulfill what he is missing right now. Also I noticed you said he was surprised and different when you actually paid attention to what he had to say and made him feel he was the most important person that day in your life. Didn’t you just say he shouted once “nobody listens to him?” He feels neglected somehow and I am sure it is not because of lacking love from you. Sometimes just an adjusted tone of voice, caring smile, nurturing act would do all the trick. You actually made time for him. Now take this one step further and get on a date. Get a babysitter and go for a nice romantic dinner or weekend somewhere with him and all the while try to make him feel he is the most important person in your life. Tell him lovingly to try to get back to work. They are the violin but we, wives are the bow to make it and the way we want it sound beautiful.

Anonymous wrote:
Let me make it clear. I didn’t exaggerate anything, but I did leave out that just a few months ago I was doing the EXACT same thing - threatening lives, screaming in rage for no reason, drinking to excess, claiming that nobody could ever care about me. In fact, I was worse. I might have actually caused harm had he not been bigger and stronger, and therefore able to physically restrain me. I was not myself, and I was a real danger to my family. I even asked him, begged him to take the kids and leave, and he didn’t. If he had, I may never have recovered. That said, I’m willing to give it a little more time before I decide to leave. “For better or for worse” might be an old-fashioned idea when you look at it from that perspective, but for me it means one thing and one thing only: You don’t bail out when it gets hard. This is hard, but it’s not impossible. If I leave, it will be because nothing else worked.

Also, I didn’t say that I was afraid my husband would kill someone. I said that HE was afraid he would kill someone. In fact, I said that I wasn’t afraid of what he could do. The reason for my post title is that I’m afraid he’s going to hurt himself.

I appreciate your support and all of your words of advice, even if I disagree with some of them. I just wanted some feedback from people who don’t know us, and I think I got what I needed. Thank you.

Those poor kids! Is there ANYONE with whom they can be safe and secure while the two of you get treatment? Your parents, perhaps?

Wait a minute! Anonymous, I think you left out most of the story yesterday! You want your husband to change, but you are just like him!? If you don’t believe in divorce, good for you. Problem is, it sucks for your innocent children! Are you two seriously fighting like this in front of the kids? WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Imagine if the children had a choice, they could divorce their scary parents and live with someone much more stable and caring! Please don’t use your Christianity as an excuse to stay together and screw up your children. In ten years they will be the ones writing on Help.com….. “My parents were mean and crazy and I hate them!” You obviously had a rough upbringing, but that doesn’t mean you should do the same for your children, it means it’s time to grow up and learn what it will take to give them the opposite of what you had. Enough Drama! It is all about the kids!!!!!!!!!!!!1

man she said she had a break through night with her husband, thats really good. maybe like she was mad for a little while he is mad for a little while. every parent get in to fights, in front of there kids or be hind closed doors, if i walked in a room when i was littel and my parents were arguening i would be scared yes. but my parent fought in the kithchen in front of me and my lil sis and they still do. im not messed up and neather is she. so leave her alone everyone. she wants to work it out then let her, man i would rather have two every now and then fighting parents then 1 parent. would u??

good job miss. Anonymous. ur a really strong person. and u sound to me that u r on the right track keep up the good work. blessings be apon you and yours

Anonymous wrote:
Let me make it clear. I didn’t exaggerate anything, but I did leave out that just a few months ago I was doing the EXACT same thing - threatening lives, screaming in rage for no reason, drinking to excess, claiming that nobody could ever care about me. In fact, I was worse. I might have actually caused harm had he not been bigger and stronger, and therefore able to physically restrain me. I was not myself, and I was a real danger to my family. I even asked him, begged him to take the kids and leave, and he didn’t. If he had, I may never have recovered. That said, I’m willing to give it a little more time before I decide to leave. “For better or for worse” might be an old-fashioned idea when you look at it from that perspective, but for me it means one thing and one thing only: You don’t bail out when it gets hard. This is hard, but it’s not impossible. If I leave, it will be because nothing else worked.

Also, I didn’t say that I was afraid my husband would kill someone. I said that HE was afraid he would kill someone. In fact, I said that I wasn’t afraid of what he could do. The reason for my post title is that I’m afraid he’s going to hurt himself.

I appreciate your support and all of your words of advice, even if I disagree with some of them. I just wanted some feedback from people who don’t know us, and I think I got what I needed. Thank you.

OH, My GAWD!!!!

I didn’t return to this topic, because I thought Anon wasn’t going to bother listening to any more advice anyway,

But now, reading the rest of it this morning, I’m just appalled. I guess we know why you two are married -peas in the pod, and all that.

You were threatening lives? Whose life? Your own? Your children? You husband’s? Screaming in rage? Huh? Are you the adult partner of a marriage and the adult parent of some tiny children or not?

He’s afraid he’ll kill someone? That’s what you said. And everyone’s been trying to tell you that if he’s afraid he’ll do it, there’s a good chance he really will. What are you going to do if he goes postal on the kids while you’re not home???

Then to think that if you leave him -and he’s not there to restrain you- you just might go apesh!t your own self is just too much. No child deserves to be raised in an environment with a couple of parents who can’t even take care of their own selves.

You can make all those comments about being Christian all you want to, but Christian values don’t include screaming rages, throwing chairs, drunken binges, depression and paranoia.

The two of you need some serious counselling. Today. If you can’t afford a real doctor, at the very least print this out and take it to your church leader or someone who has the ability to think clearly and act reasonably for the sake of your children.

Let me make something clear: This behavior has to end. Today. You lost the luxury of acting like loons the day you conceived your first child. It’s gone. Now leave it behind and act like the adults your children need.

Dragon_Lady wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Let me make it clear. I didn’t exaggerate anything, but I did leave out that just a few months ago I was doing the EXACT same thing - threatening lives, screaming in rage for no reason, drinking to excess, claiming that nobody could ever care about me. In fact, I was worse. I might have actually caused harm had he not been bigger and stronger, and therefore able to physically restrain me. I was not myself, and I was a real danger to my family. I even asked him, begged him to take the kids and leave, and he didn’t. If he had, I may never have recovered. That said, I’m willing to give it a little more time before I decide to leave. “For better or for worse” might be an old-fashioned idea when you look at it from that perspective, but for me it means one thing and one thing only: You don’t bail out when it gets hard. This is hard, but it’s not impossible. If I leave, it will be because nothing else worked.

Also, I didn’t say that I was afraid my husband would kill someone. I said that HE was afraid he would kill someone. In fact, I said that I wasn’t afraid of what he could do. The reason for my post title is that I’m afraid he’s going to hurt himself.

I appreciate your support and all of your words of advice, even if I disagree with some of them. I just wanted some feedback from people who don’t know us, and I think I got what I needed. Thank you.

OH, My GAWD!!!!

I didn’t return to this topic, because I thought Anon wasn’t going to bother listening to any more advice anyway,

But now, reading the rest of it this morning, I’m just appalled. I guess we know why you two are married -peas in the pod, and all that.

You were threatening lives? Whose life? Your own? Your children? You husband’s? Screaming in rage? Huh? Are you the adult partner of a marriage and the adult parent of some tiny children or not?

He’s afraid he’ll kill someone? That’s what you said. And everyone’s been trying to tell you that if he’s afraid he’ll do it, there’s a good chance he really will. What are you going to do if he goes postal on the kids while you’re not home???

Then to think that if you leave him -and he’s not there to restrain you- you just might go apesh!t your own self is just too much. No child deserves to be raised in an environment with a couple of parents who can’t even take care of their own selves.

You can make all those comments about being Christian all you want to, but Christian values don’t include screaming rages, throwing chairs, drunken binges, depression and paranoia.

The two of you need some serious counselling. Today. If you can’t afford a real doctor, at the very least print this out and take it to your church leader or someone who has the ability to think clearly and act reasonably for the sake of your children.

Let me make something clear: This behavior has to end. Today. You lost the luxury of acting like loons the day you conceived your first child. It’s gone. Now leave it behind and act like the adults your children need.

Bravo, Dragon Lady. Kids are not toys. This is not a game. Chanting slogans (from the marriage rite or any other source) is not going to protect them. And you can’t leave them with a potential homicidal maniac because it’s too much trouble or expense to make safe child-care arrangements. These are your KIDS, lady. People. People with minds, hearts, emotions, and, hopefully, a future. As Dragon Lady says, Christianity does not give you a license to abuse them by either commission or omission.

If these two grown-ups can’t be their protectors because of substance-abuse issues, mental illness, or just generalized immaturity, then perhaps grandparents, or the state, or someone else should step in to create a nurturing, non-scary nest for these youngsters. If I knew where they were, I would call Child Protective Services to remove them until their parents recuperate—or forever, if their parents fail to get their acts cleaned up.

I beg of you, Anonymous: If you care at all about these kids, please let them go to a place where they can be properly cared for, and where they can be exposed to proper values, proper nurturing, and good role models. You can stay in this situation if you like—you made your bed and you appear committed to lying in it—but these children did NOT create this situation, and they need to be protected from it. Please please please please please, TAKE CARE OF THEM.

If these two grown-ups can’t be their protectors because of substance-abuse issues, mental illness, or just generalized immaturity, then perhaps grandparents, or the state, or someone else should step in to create a nurturing, non-scary nest for these youngsters. If I knew where they were, I would call Child Protective Services to remove them until their parents recuperate—or forever, if their parents fail to get their acts cleaned up.

Another voice of sanity. Please listen. These kids are precious and they need to be taken care of. There has to be someone, somewhere in their lives who loves them and will make better choices for their care and environment.

Please.

When a man isn’t working, he feels that he is worthless. So, with all due respect to feminists and their desire to have role reversals, this is absolute poison to a man’s ego.

It’s the way we are made, the way we are wired.

Let me reiterate . . . this DESTROYS a man. You can argue until Doomsday that it shouldn’t be this way, and maybe it shouldn’t, but it’s the way it IS.

Your husband needs some kind of job. That would solve 99 percent of the problems.

This sounds like my dad. I’m going to have my mom read this post to see if we can do anything about it.
I hope everything turns around for him and your family.

i think that he has mential health issuse and im not convinced that it depresion it could be a more seriouse probblem you should speek to your gp and seek marriage counciling you can go to the counciling with out him there if he dose not wish to do this as use are christians it may be a good idea to consult your preist you know that every thing you say to him is privet and he may be able to guid your husband to seeking the help he needs i know as a christain you would not be wanting to leave your husband so i would speek to as much people as you can to support you its very difficult to say what do do when his temper flares up as what ever you do will be wrong to him but dont start to doubt your self as he will try to have you under his controle including controling your thoughts there are places you can go to gain advice on how to deal with people like this your gp should be able to help

(Not experienced in this field) But I think that he does need professional help, it seems like he won’t let others help. Either way, it seems it’ll be hard.

Hello, it looks like you have alot of advice and you know, therapy and medication may be the best thing for him. Although at this point one of the issues would be to getting him to see this possibility.

Perhaps if you pick up some flyers from your doctor’s and discuss this with others that he may feel comfortable with… perhaps introduce this slowly… would you be willing to suggest talking with your pastor about this? The two of you having a meeting with your local pastor?

How’s your church life going? Do you go? Does he want to participate? I understand what you are going through, and I am not sure as to what your Christian lives are, if you are open in your walk with God and wanting to share that with him, I know in my experience, my hubby has always been a Christian, and I am fairly new too, five years… and the amazing revelations and steps I made I wanted to share with him, and he felt this put him to shame because he had grown complacent, and he was secretly jealous, and yes the anger came out… patience and loving understanding goes along way, and you know nothing says you have to get into an argument with him. Just say ” okay, your right” even when you know differently.

God has shown me that we women have tender hearts and sometimes are more open to understanding, and scripture says that we can win our husbands over ( To God ) without a word, but I have experience that this can be said for a right fighter and someone who has a lower esteem about themselves.

These times are tough, and hun, stress can be hard to take, bathe yourselves daily in prayer and press in… and include your husband in prayer… even if he doesn’t want to say it, leave that an option to him.
You are right, he is responsible for his actions, but right now, he’s blinded to any sort of responsibility and wants to blame others for his lot in life.

but hun, perhaps making a doc’s appointment so you can talk with your doctor and your pastor ahead of time, may give you helpful insight. His behavior may be severe depression, to manic behavior, my father in law was like this and when he was put on proper meds, he was a loving gentleman! And still a Christian too! with a loving heart for the Lord.

If you want to chat from one sister in the Lord to another, hun please email me.
srnityblu(@)yahoo.com

ok its not all depression it also is that he might not feel security within himself or your guys relationship. he feels that everything’s on him and that nobody see his point of view on thing. just try and observed other people and yourself and you might see he’s right. And yes therapy will help to or a vacation to relieve all that negative tension and stress.

in order to convince him to go to therapy or get help what if you both went to a couples therapy making him feel like you are both going to try to work it out since he feels it is your fault anyway. There the therapist might get him to realise that it is he who needs the help and convince him to get his own personal help.

Look I’m not going to tell you to call the police or tell you to get him in to therapy because frankly i don’t think that will help. You see your husband sounds alot like my dad specially the paranoid part. For my dad he started to change when he hurt his back to the point he couldn’t work. it was all down hill from there and it was because he wasn’t providing for his family like he was brought up to do his way of life totally changed suddenly my mom was the sole provider. he resently started fishing and hunting pretty regularly and it seems to help so maybe you husband could get a hobby or part time job. i don’t know if any other person has given you this advice but hopefully it helps

Men need to feel like men. They need to work—have pride in their work and feel like they are doing what society is telling them they should do—be a provider. Especially if you are in a traditional christian household…

It’s been really hard for my Fiance and I to balance life and work and finding him GOOD and steady work—he has it now, and really its the happiest I’ve seen him in a long time. Pride in work, family and home makes a person less likely to be at unrest.

Also, men or women, both need to have the freedom to spend time alone, or go out, or do for themselves what they want or need. If he feels like a burden without freedom to do things for himself or by himself (if he chooses) he might feel unappreciated or unable to enjoy some amount of freedom. I hear it from both genders who are stay at home parents depending solely on their spouse. Regardless of the gender, they need to feel loved, appreciated and that their contribution to the family doesn’t go unnoticed and some amount of freedom.

One suggestion would be to pay him—so he doesn’t have to feel 100% dependent, and don’t refer to it as an allowance.

Uhm… He needs to get a job. Take your kids to day care or to his family and have him get a job. Men can’t really handle that pressure like women can. That’s why you always hear all these stories about boyfriends killing their girlfriends kids, or father beating their kids to death. They can’t handle that. Maybe someone already said this, i don’t know. Didn’t really feel like reading all of this stuff. But he needs to get a job and a life outside of home. He is losing his sanity.

Times’ gone mad wrote:
Men need to feel like men. They need to work—have pride in their work and feel like they are doing what society is telling them they should do—be a provider. Especially if you are in a traditional christian household…

It’s been really hard for my Fiance and I to balance life and work and finding him GOOD and steady work—he has it now, and really its the happiest I’ve seen him in a long time. Pride in work, family and home makes a person less likely to be at unrest.

Also, men or women, both need to have the freedom to spend time alone, or go out, or do for themselves what they want or need. If he feels like a burden without freedom to do things for himself or by himself (if he chooses) he might feel unappreciated or unable to enjoy some amount of freedom. I hear it from both genders who are stay at home parents depending solely on their spouse. Regardless of the gender, they need to feel loved, appreciated and that their contribution to the family doesn’t go unnoticed and some amount of freedom.

One suggestion would be to pay him—so he doesn’t have to feel 100% dependent, and don’t refer to it as an allowance.

Pay him to do what he’s supposed to? Hell no. She is paying him by paying for all the bills and the food he eats? He needs to stop actin like little baby and go get his azz a job. Then he can feel independent. Not really sure why people agree to stay at home and put themselves in that situation.

Hi, I was wondering if things improved with your Hubby.. I hope all is well. And I hope the anger issue has subsided.

I have had anger issues before. I was a stay at home husband for a while and I found it to be very difficult. I think it’s a masculinity thing. When I stayed home, I felt like a I wasn’t a man. It stripped me of my dignity and confidence. Even if the kids have to go to daycare and it takes his hole check at whatever job he gets, it will make him much happier. As soon as I went back to work I felt so much better, but he could also use some counseling. Maybe he should look into the church for that. Although maybe an outside third party would actually be the best. Best of luck to you. And sometimes things just don’t work between two people, in which case you need to do whats best for you and your children. We all deserve to be happy.

One thing that will help is have someone that is very close to him like a friend or family member be a go between you and your husband. have this person gently let your husband know the worries and stress he is causing by not trying to find a way to work with you on this matter. he needs to understand the danger you feel from his actions and he needs to understand that he loves his family and needs to get violent thoughts away from his family.
he needs to understand that if he gets worse, he will loose his family and hope. This needs to be turned around NOW! if he does get worse rather than better, you need to start protective measures for your kids and yourself before he can bring harm!
You have to find a way to reach his compassionate side to break thorough his angry side. Good luck and be Vigilant in this matter!

pidhsato wrote:
I am happy this person is not having problems any more otherwise would have come back here… dragon_lady you are a really sick person to influence a person in such way you did above.

”For better or for worse, in sickness and in health” don’t care from were this words came from, but I know similar words are used in the marriage ceremony.

I repeat dragon_lady don’t ever touch a topic where yourself has failed to solve in your life experience.

Thank-you. :)

I’m happy to be the sick person who saves the lives of the critically endangered battered women of the world. Mark Twain said “Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.” And loyalty to marriage vows when a partner is putting you in danger isn’t going to accomplish a **** thing.

beatricegalant wrote:
Also I noticed you said he was surprised and different when you actually paid attention to what he had to say and made him feel he was the most important person that day in your life. Didn’t you just say he shouted once “nobody listens to him?” He feels neglected somehow and I am sure it is not because of lacking love from you. Sometimes just an adjusted tone of voice, caring smile, nurturing act would do all the trick. You actually made time for him. Now take this one step further and get on a date. Get a babysitter and go for a nice romantic dinner or weekend somewhere with him and all the while try to make him feel he is the most important person in your life. Tell him lovingly to try to get back to work. They are the violin but we, wives are the bow to make it and the way we want it sound beautiful.

It is what I said all along. I am very happy for you that finally things start to turn around. Did he find a job yet?