Family help: I need help with my mother. - Help.com

I need help with my mother.

Is her behavior healthy and normal or not?

Sorry - this is long.

I am 28 years old. Over the course of my twenties, I went to college and graduated with honors. I had a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do after college - I spent some time working as a teacher, then worked as a waitress while I tried to figure out what I truly wanted to do. I ended up getting a scholarship to a great small school, as well as being accepted to an extremely prestigious university. I wanted to go to the small school - my mother made it clear that she wanted me to go to the other school (she would get excited when I said I was going there, and if I said the small school she would say, “well, do what you want to do” in a tone that was obvious she was not elated.) So I went to the “better” school. In the mean time, my mother called the police one night when we got into a fight. The police ended up arresting me, because they never heard my side of the story. (She was screaming at me and following me around the house for about fifty minutes over wanting me to go to the grocery store with her and I had not gone - I finally could not take anymore and screamed back.) I was quickly let out of jail, because I had done nothing wrong and - but ended up with a record which meant I could not use my graduate degree. My mother claimed she did not want the police officer to arrest me, and that she called the police because she wanted someone to help “end the argument.”

So now I did not know what to do, and I was very upset because I could not use my second or first degree. But, I did not want that to hold me back, so I decided to go for a second graduate degree. I talked to my mother about it and she agreed. However, for the year in between while I was waiting to go back, I lived at home. She did not want me to have a car, because I was going to be leaving again to go to school in a major city. I spent some time volunteering at a place to get experience during this year. Finally the time came for me to go to school, and I went. I did wonderful, and worked very hard.

When I graduated, I came home. I wanted to work at an internship to get a bit more work experience and then apply for jobs. This was a huge mistake. First, I have no money left as I took out loans to go to school and my mother helped me with extras. Although my mother and I had discussed this prior to me coming home, she resented that I was driving her car to the internship two days a week and complained constantly about why did I need to do an internship that paid nothing? I tried to explain that in my field, no one will hire you without some experience.

The internship ended, and I began to apply for jobs. I looked locally, and there was nothing. The whole time my mother was complaining about money. (She has been doing this my whole life, so it is nothing new.) I sent some resumes around and all I heard was the money it was costing in stamps and paper and how she was getting ripped off. I was sitting at home day after day, and if I wanted to go anywhere she would get upset. She does not like my friends, and if they came to pick me up, she would carry on: “Why are you spending time with them and not me?” Even though I am home every single day!! We would get into big fights while I was waiting for my friends to come get me because I was spending time with people she did not like.

Once or twice a week I would ask to use her car, just to get out of the house. She would scream about this. SHe did not want to let me drive “HER car to go and hang out with THOSE PEOPLE.” She would get so mad and then complain about how she was getting ripped off and pays for everything. So I ended up just sitting at home day after day after day after day. Unless a friend wanted to do something and come get me, in which case I would have to listen to her carry on that I am not going out with her but with a friend.

When it became obvious that no one is hiring around here in my field, I knew I had to go to where they are hiring, which is far away. This started another fight. I needed the paper, envelopes and stamps to send out resumes. My mother did not want to spend the money on this. Again, she was getting ripped off, has to pay for everything, and is not going to help me because I probably will not get a job anyways, so why waste the money? On top of this, she does not want me to move far away. She kept saying, “I just wish you could stay here.” My mother has no friends and no family but me.

I was getting so frustrated. Months were dragging by, and one day she was behind me, the next day she was not going to help me and even if I find a job she will not help me move or get started. I would suggest that we sigh a paper that I will pay her back whatever money she gives me to get started, and she would scream and carry on that she is not going to help me and that she is getting ripped off. But here is the kicker: she says, “But why don’t you go back to school and get a PhD?” So she will send me far away and help me get a PhD, but a job she won’t? It makes no sense!

On top of this, she refuses to buy me a car. So I have no way of going out and looking for a job. I live out, and the only solution is a bus. Now, I have asked her just for a cheap one, maybe a two thousand dollar car. Her friends have told her, “your daughter needs a car.” My friends tell me I need one and cannot believe she will not get me one. Even a stranger told her, “I am on your daughters side on this. She needs a car. If a professional place sees her riding the bus, that is really going to hurt her.”

But my mom screams that she does not care what anyone says, that she is not getting ripped off. She even said to me, “why should I buy you a car when the first thing you will do is want to go and spend time with THOSE PEOPLE” - meaning my friends. I feel like a prisoner. She goes out in her car, for days at a time, all day, and I do not ask here where she is going or anything. But if I want to go anywhere, I am quizzed with out end about who I am going with and why. Then she gives me guilt that it is not with her. There is arguing and fighting.

I finally wrote my mom a 22 page typed letter telling her how hard this is on me. That I am so well educated, other people from my class are working who did not even do as well as me, and I am stuck here at home. I told her how hard it is on me to have her one day say she will help me find a job and get set up if I find one, and the next day she will not even give me the money for stamps. We had a long talk after this, for hours, and she really was coming around and seeing that it is healthy and good for her to be supportive and help me get on my own two feet. After all, that is why I did all this education!

But then, a few days later, she said, “I am not giving you the money for stamps or helping you.” I just about lost it at this point. I could not take it anymore. We got into a huge fight, and she started to say she was going to call the police on me again. My friends came and got me.

Basically, I am at a low point. I was away from her for awhile, came back home, and things have been ok. But I just cannot stand my mother anymore. Growing up, she was physically abusive as well as emotionally abusive. She will not face any of this. She insists I had a wonderful life as a child. I remember her always screaming and making everyone miserable - my dad, my grandmother. I remember my grandmother used to be upset because my mom took all of her money each month and then made my grandma sit in her room month after month. My grandmother wanted to get out and do things, but my mom would not take her anywhere because she had to walk with a walker.

I want away from her so badly. I feel like she has done everything possible in my life to keep me dependent on her. She denies this, but why else would she help me and encourage me to go for a PhD, but refuse to even buy me a car or give me stamps for resumes? I feel like she is a control freak. I cannot even stand her presence anymore. She will not even allow me to have a healthy social life. I tell her all the time, “can you not see how unhealthy it is for me to sit at home all the time?” But that is what she does when she does not go out shopping, so I guess this is ok to her.

I have thought about cashing out a small ROTH IRA that I have, and just getting on a bus and going to a big city. But even then I would have very little money, and no idea how I could make that work. I have no way to go look for a job around here, unless I take the bus, and I feel so humiliated having to take the bus (this is not a big city and so riding the bus is very stigmatized around here.) Even if I took the bus, what could I get? There is nothing around here in my field.

I do not know what to do. I am so tired of arguing with my mother all of the time. Just this morning she was reading me this article about health, and read how important it is to have a social life. Well, I reminded her how she does not want me to have one, and this lead to a whole argument about how she is not going to help me get a car.

My friends think there is something wrong with my mother. They cannot understand why she will not help me and be more supportive, rather than being such a negative force in my life. To me, I think a healthy parent would want their daughter to get out and get a job right away and would help her out, even if she had to agree to pay them back once she had a job. But with my mom, one minute she is helping me, the next minute she is not. She cannot see how unhealthy it is to me to sit in my room day after day, feeling like a prisoner, feeling controlled by my mother. I feeel sick inside and my friends are worried I am going to go crazy if I do not get away from my mother soon.

Is my mothers behavior healthy and normal?

This open post was written 11 months, 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 379, 22, 12 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

mother, Dysfunction, control freak, Relationships, Family, abuse, bipolar, mental illness (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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