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My mom never listens to me, sometimes I just want to lock her in the attic!

The follow post is long, sorry, but if you read it I hope you value there; for BOTH parents and teens.

My mom never listens to me, sometimes I just want to lock her in the attic!

The follow post is long, sorry, but if you read it I hope you value there; for BOTH parents and teens.

When you soar with the eagles, you tend to have their vision too!

~ The nut does not fall far from the tree ~

You know, when I was a boy they didn’t have parenting groups like they have now; at least not that I was aware of back then. If I’d been aware of them, I certainly would have been arguing with my mom as to why the hell she wasn’t going to them. Now that I’m a parent, I’ve learned that there probably WERE parenting groups back then (Dr. Spock was huge back then), but who the hell had the time (and perhaps money) to go to them! How do I know that now? Because the same situation exists today, and probably existed for our grandparents etc etc. Parenting is mostly an on-the-job training process.  

Raising our children appears to be a pretty easy thing. Birth, while painful to some mom’s is beautiful. Walking is an exciting milestone until the little tyke is all over the place getting into trouble and making messes. Potty training is a rough milestone, which can be 100 times messier, but it is relatively short. After that there seems to be years of peace and just went you thought it was going great your kids reaches puberty!  

Adolescents is the very toughest age for a child, and if us parents think hard about it enough, we will remember that. In terms of child psychology, adolescents (the age of 12 to 18) has a lot of changes going on. First of course there is the physiological changes of puberty. Then emotionally the children are dealing with identity and repudiation versus identity diffusion. This means our kids are truly trying to discover themselves for the first time. They are developing their own identity. Adolescents are focused on peer groups and groups outside of their basic family, as well as models of leadership. They are learning to be oneself, and not only that but how to share oneself with others. They are seeking the best options for leadership, struggling with autonomy. Throw hormonal shifts into the picture and you can see why your kid wants to run away; wouldn’t you?!

So, what’s a parent to do? First – stay calm! I know that is the hardest thing to do at times. But our children are trying to find who they will put their trust in to lead them. You want that someone to be you. If we are ranting and raving, it’s hard for another to trust us to lead them. If your boss is always yelling at people, do think they are a good boss, a good leader? Probably not.  

Communicate – we must calmly talk to our children about what’s going on in their lives; stay in touch with them. As parents and leaders, it is our place to one, lead by example, and two - mentor our budding adults. Will they challenge you? Test you? You’d better hope so. An adolescent that does not challenge authority, at least in some small degree will end up not being able to deal with challenges later in life, and we all know what challenges await them. Through communication a two way trust is built, and nothing is more critical to ANY relationship than trust.  

And mom and dad… always, always try to remember that the adolescent stage is an “all about me” stage. How else is your child going to find out who they are? It’s not selfish really – it’s just the way it is. Things might have been different for you growing up, but lots of things were different when you were growing up. Back then you could take a typing class. Today you take a keyboarding class!  

Lastly, mom and dad, when you feeling like saying, “What the hell is bugging you?!” to your silent, yet disgruntled teen, know that in all probability the thing that is bugging them is the same sort of thing that bugs you; lack of respect, lack of trust, lack of autonomy, frustration at not being able to do something, and fear of failing. These are all thing (and ways) to relate to your teen and mentor them.

Now for a discussion about the nuts (that don’t fall far from the tree). I’ve just given you a great amount of responsibility by telling your parents what I’ve told them. This is not meant to stress you out, it’s just the way things are. Any teen has heard this saying (I certainly heard it when I was growing up and I bet my dad heard it when HE was growing up) – “If you want to be treated like and adult – then start acting like an adult!” OK – that statement could probably be delivered in a better way, but in many respects it’s true. As an adolescent, you want one thing – identity and autonomy, yet it’s very easy for you to fall back into being a kid that has little responsibility and has someone always taking care of them. Guys… ya can’t have it both ways, you have to remember this.  

Mom and dad have a great deal of responsibility. And depending on how they were raised by THEIR parents they can deal with this responsibility and stress at varying levels of sanity. Parenting can become a vicious circle. So, keep this is mind. If your grandpa seems a little bit off his rocker, don’t expect your Dad to be Mr. Rogers!  

The stresses of adulthood are just as stressing as adolescents; but 10 times more. Your mom and dad have an obligation to care for you, they want you to be happy… they want a good life for you. They need to work in order to keep money coming in to do the things they need to do – for you! They need to take classes sometimes; yes they benefit from this but YOU are always in their thoughts for their own self improvement. Trust me there is not ONE single thing that your parents do where YOU are not considered. [Are there some parents outside of this model; yes, of course, but that is a very different subject for a different day ok?]

In closing this discussion I would like to quote Kalhil Gibran from the prophet. I read this passage many many years ago, (before I was a parent, and it touched me then as much as it touches me today:

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Bright blessings ~ Richard